Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

We start the night off in typical Finale fashion, Chris talking about the “greatest watch party in the world” and Rachel’s Journey.  He also tells us this is going to be three hours long, so if you don’t want to get involved in a long post, best to leave now.

Chris Harrison:

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Me:

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Seriously, it’s his shtick to say that now.  No one believes you and no one cares. ESPECIALLY after the most boring season ever.  But Chris is going to give it a try and starts by having the entire episode be live throughout, as opposed to just live at the end. He also is going to bring out a special guest, someone who knows all of the men and cares about the results of tonight…

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Dammit, it’s Rachel. I could have sworn it’d be Copper after that build up, but whatever. Rachel comes out on stage, rocking a sexy little number and also something very close to a middle part.  I really thought we were past this, but whatevs.  Rachel is nervous to watch the show live with the audience because “she doesn’t know them like that”.

Chris is just excited he has one last chance to try and convince Rachel to pick him over the other two three men left.  Speaking of men, let’s get this thing started, Christopher.  I have agreed to wasting 3 hours of my life tonight and drink copious amounts of wine, I’d like the torture to start as soon as possible.

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But before we can start, Chris let’s us know that he has some breaking news–Juan Pablo is married.

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Apparently, Juan Pablo reached out to the show to “spread the news”, probs because no actual news sources cares about him and he’s been married for months and no one cared.

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Peter Fantasy Suite: Kiss and Make Up Already

We left off with Peter telling Rachel for the millionth time that he probs won’t be proposing to her at the end, which is still a super confusing concept for her.  I am so confused how she could be the sane one last season, doubting you can find love this quickly, but she has a huge problem with Peter’s doubts.

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But, Rachel is nothing if not pragmatic and still decides to give Peter a Fantasy Suite note written by a 15-year-old Chris Harrison so she can see what little Peter Pan has to offer.  It would be so disappointing if Rachel woke up the next morning looking disappointed because then America would be disappointed.  Luckily, she wakes up super please and convinces Peter to reenact the opening scene from Beauty and the Beast where everyone pops their head out the window to sing “Bon Jour!”

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Peter smiling out that window vs how Peter felt inside:

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Minus the awkward window scene, Rachel looks like Peter ROCKED her world last night and I am so happy.  Don’t get me wrong, girl looks beautiful and I would love to know her skin care routine (even though that glow is probs from Peter) and I will never look that pretty on my best day, but she looks pretty exhausted.

Sadly, Peter must go and she shoves him out the door in his pajamas, forcing him to do the walk of shame which I applaud.  We then head back to the live studio audience where Rachel complains about not knowing where she stands with Peter….I’m pretty sure he said he’s not going to marry you, but I guess it’s still up for interpretation.

Bryan Fantasy Suite: Cheek Implants

Next, it’s time for Bryan’s Fantasy Suite, excuse me while I snooze for a bit.  Seriously, I’m sure Bryan is a very nice guy, but he is too smooth for me and if he says I love you one more time….doesn’t he know it’s losing it’s effect the more he says it???

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Rachel, like all of us, is still thinking about Peter’s salt and pepper hair and his problem with proposing after hanging out for a total of 48 hours instead of paying attention to anything Bryan is saying.  I honestly feel bad for him in this moment, whatever happened last night with Peter wore her out and she doesn’t care what he’s saying.  In the evening portion of the date, Bryan tells Rachel she seems like something is on her mind and he’s really proud for being so in tune with Rachel’s emotions.

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Bryan get’s the Fantasy Suite card, another novel of a note from Chris, and he is all about taking that extra quality alone time with Rachel and totally forgets to ask Rachel is she’d even like to have sex with him.

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The next morning, Rachel looks rocked again.  Good for her, but I’d like to point out that she didn’t look half this satisfied after her night with Nick.  I’m not happy that Bryan was able satisfy her, but I am happy the she was well taken care of during her time in Spain.  I am also proud of Rachel for telling us that she used some of her Fantasy Suite time to talk about  credit scores and health insurance.

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Final Rose Ceremony: Waste of Time

But finally it’s time for the proposals…..wait, Eric is still here??  I 100% forgot Eric even had a Fantasy Suite or that we were even pretending he was in the running, but here we are with three men still left standing and Rachel in an ill fitting dress, someone get a tailor for this girl. Bryan is wearing a suit he’s worn four times, Eric wore a tshirt and tennies so he’s comfortable for the flight home and Peter needs to take some advice from Coco Chanel next time and take off one accessory before he leaves the house.

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Bryan and Peter get a rose.

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While I pretended to be shocked, Eric actually looked shocked, making me think that Peter has been telling everyone and their mom he isn’t going to propose.  Rachel also prefaced her final rose with she wants someone to propose to her and not date her, so I guess I should be more surprised she picked Peter. Rachel looks totally content and unfazed with her decision which is bothersome since you are sending home your third choice of a man to marry and actually cried when you sent Matt home in the final six.

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Not one tear.

Eric sits with Rachel and tells her how happy he is for her and thanks her for keeping him here and allowing him to love her and learn to love and he will always love her and I think I’m in love….but really, who is this new Eric? He had been growing on me for weeks, but I would like to offer my services now in his run for office the next Bachelor, that’s how committed I am.  And that was before Chris brought him out on stage and he showed us his new beard.

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Dear dear Eric….YOU COULD HAVE WON THE WHOLE SEASON IF YOU’D SHOW THAT BEARD EARLIER.  Rachel even looks a little flustered by this sexy beast next to her, in an actual suit and tie and little flower on his lapel….

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Oh, I see you, ABC.  I see you fixing Eric up to be the next Bachelor.  And I am here for it.  That beard set twitter off last night and had ladies dreaming of lumbersexual men all night long.  And to top it all off, Eric was still a sweetheart and thanked Rachel for teaching him about love and allowing him to become a man.

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It is at this time when I realize we are only an hour into this 3 hour show.

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Bryan’s Final Date: Estupido 

Now it’s time for the final dates with Bryan and Peter.  First, we must record the men having a brooding contest.  Peter sits in a plain white tshirt in his hotel room while Bryan has to go on a walk in a leather jacket to seem half as broody.  Peter is the better brooder hands down.

Bryan goes first and I recall some statistics about the order in those final dates and how that signifies the winner, but I don’t remember what that statistic actually is so let’s move on.  To Bryan and Rachel taking a hot air balloon ride at like 6 in the morning.

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People come out to wave and yell at them and Bryan wonders why they are up so early….people have to work, Bryan.  Not everyone can be a chiropractor in Miami and make enough money to give themselves cheek implants (side note: I will be very upset if Chris Harrison chooses not to address this rumor).  Also, I don’t think those are just ordinary Spaniards down there, I am sure it is production and Peter trying to remind Rachel to wrap it up because she needs to deal with her Peter drama.

Bryan gives her a Spanish dictionary and adds some words in about love and marriage and babies so she can start practicing.  He also says “I will love you forever” and it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as Eric’s sweet sentiments did.

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Peter’s Final Date: Mediocrity 

Okay, now it’s Peter time.  I’m not sure if I will get through this in one piece, but here goes nothing.  The ONLY thing I remember from their day date is when Peter decided to risk his life and sit on a window ledge on a mountain and Rachel then tried to sit in his lap.  HOW IS THIS SAFE? I also remember him wanting to do wine paintings and go to the Farmers Market.  Fair, but an oddly timed request.

Moving on from production allowing Peter to risk his life to the evening portion that will go down as one of the most aggravating and upsetting moments in Bachelor/Bachelorette history.  Now, there will be two sides to this argument, and I respect that…but some of you are wrong.

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First, Peter is still holding strong on the fact that he probably wont be proposing tomorrow.  Peter says he has one opportunity to do this right, he doesn’t want to screw this up.  Rachel says Peter is putting that “one opportunity” stipulation on himself. I am so confused, how many times has this woman been proposed too and how many times does she expect to be proposed to.  PROPOSALS MEAN SOMETHING.

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Peter also reveals that he realized today he was in love with Rachel.

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Today? Today as in the day before the final final rose?  Today as in the day you sat on a ledge with Rachel in your lap and thought about how sad you would be if you pushed her so now you love her?  I am all for Peter taking his time, but girlfriends got to know that if he is just realizing he loves her, then he definitely isn’t going to propose TOMORROW.

Rachel is confused by Peter’s mixed signals and need for time and is worried that she will forever be his girlfriend just like with her last boyfriend who dated her for five years and never proposed.  THAT ISN’T THE SAME.  Five years vs two months is a big difference, I really thought Rachel was smarter than all of this.  Rachel doesn’t know where to go from this and Peter tells her they are not breaking up so that’s reassuring. Rachel though doesn’t think anything is going to change by tomorrow (of course it’s not) and doesn’t know if she can accept not getting engaged at the end of this and not getting the free engagement ring and bonus check finding the one.  Peter then does a 180 and says he will propose to her if that means keeping her, which she luckily shoots down since that will go against his personal beliefs so at least there is some good left in this relationshit. He assures her he’s willing to “sacrifice” that if it means keeping her.

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You really need to shut up, Peter. Rachel doesn’t think sacrificing sounds too cool and is leading us down the road of Bryan which makes NO ONE happy, including Peter, who tells her if she wants to pick someone else then she can have fun living a mediocre life.

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That got dark real quick. Peter is just getting stabby at this point, hoping he hits an artery. During 90% of this Rachel (and I) are sobbing and emotions are just getting higher obviously.  Besides that low blow, there is so much love in this room, you know things will work out and they do!  Rachel and Peter are kissing and crying and hugging and Rachel is saying she doesn’t want to say goodbye….

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CHRIS HARRISON, THIS IS ACTUALLY THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON FINALE OF ALL TIME, WHAT IS GOING ON, I AM LOSING MY MIND.

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Between Game of Thrones this week and this shit, I am lucky I am not in the hospital. Are they really breaking up? Peter is professing his love, Rachel is professing his love, I am professing my love to the girl I just met next to me at the bar I’m watching this at, how can it be over?  He says they are going to regret this, asks her to take a chance on him and still, she chooses to leave.  He let’s her go, telling her if she changes her mind, she knows where to find him.

I. Am. FLOORED.  I never thought I would see the day when I was actually surprised by this show, but surprised I was.  I knew she ended up with Bryan, so it makes sense that Peter had to leave for her to make that decision.  During this time, I order my fourth-ish glass of wine and look back at the screen, just in time to see Peter’s tears start to fall and the frustrated removal of his sweatshirt.

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I had a momentary negative thought about Peter when I saw those jeans though.  Not a good look, but I’m dating someone who wears camouflage cargo shorts so I can accept this one flaw.  Now it’s time for Rachel and Peter to see each other for the first time since this devastating break up and to say it went poorly is an understatement.  Peter sits on the couch and it immediately apparent that he has been crying.

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Peter explains that he had a hard time getting into this process (which makes me wonder why he even signed up) and he was his own barrier.  He thanks Rachel for letting him have “feelings of love” and apologizes for assuming her life would be mediocre without him, he doesn’t even remember saying it.

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Big Rach is not one to forgive and forget though and the attitude she gives Peter makes me want to reach in TV and slap her.  You loved this man a month ago and now you are acting like he is the scum of the earth.  She flips her hair in his face, tells him she is living her best life and it suddenly dawns on me, Rachel is not talking to Peter. She is talking to us.

At this point Rachel has been watching the show and watching twitter and see’s that no one is team Bryan  (besides you select few).  People didn’t hate Bryan, they just loved Peter and she knew people would think she made a mistake so she is putting up this front and crushing Peter (who also talked shit on Bryan and implied he had cheek implants which has still not been addressed) and is showing us that if you mess with her man, she will come for you.

Peter says he feels attacked and Rachel wants to know why.  She has her lawyer hat on and she is shutting him down, making me also feel attacked.  When asked if he would do anything differently, Peter says no.

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Take that, Miss Lawyer.

The Proposal

It’s finally time for Rachel to choose the winner tell Bryan he’s her last resort and I am ready for this to be over.  And just like Bryan’s imfamos cheeks, I can look at nothing other than the slit in Rachel’s dress.  I know it’s going to blow open, but I can’t look away.

Bryan get’s a visit from Neil Lane who is just as over this as us because he doesn’t make one joke and just shoves a bunch of rings at Bryan, who chooses the pear shaped ring.

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I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am.  We then have Rachel getting ready, Bryan walking up to Rachel, Bryan speaking in Spanish and saying what he said to her the first night and causing me to fill my wine glass to the brim.  ABC, must have known that no one cared about this because they make this the fastest proposal in the history of this show…or maybe it just seems fast because I’m most likely drunk?

Rachel tells Bryan that she cant live without him and Bryan opens the ring box which is when she yells “GIVE IT TO ME” and “PUT IT ON ME”.

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I’m sure my internal reaction when I am being proposed to will be to reach for the ring, but you are on national tv….not a good look.  I think even Bryan, who is making a point to flash his expensive watch at the camera this entire proposal looks a little taken aback. But maybe I’m just hoping.

So the proposal happens, they flash the ring at everyone and we are now at After the Final Rose which is really just the Bachelorette Finale Live.  Bryan comes out and we are hugging and kissing and just being nauseating once again.  I think to myself, “I would take anything over these aggressive kisses” and then Bryan interrupts Chris Harrison to get down on one knee.

I take it back, this is worse than the kissing.  Bryan professes his four-month-old love for Rachel, yet again and you can even see the audience is like, let’s wrap this up.  Bryan then asks Rachel to “marry him again”.  I don’t think he meant that how it sounded, no way Chris Harrison allowed anyone on this show to marry without a television crew.  Again, no one seems to care about this couple because we rush through there interview, flash the PEOPLE Magazine cover on the screen and wish them well on their journey to hopefully make it the alter some time during winter.  But not before letting us know that they will either settle down in Miami, Dallas…or LA.

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If Rachel moves to LA, then she is not the girl I thought she was.  Chris Harrison doesn’t even care and moves on to Paradise like the rest of us.  See you next week, where I will not be live tweeting the episode because my boyfriend decided to inconveniently have his birthday on a Monday and has chosen not to spend it with Chris Harrison.

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Tootles.