I’m still processing what just happened. Please hold.

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Nope still processing.  But I will carry on, for the sake of my readers and the sake of my beauty sleep. First, let me address the title of my recap: I realize Usher is in some hot water right now with his little STD debacle, but if you listen to the lyrics of Burn-Confessions Special Edition Version, that song really describes everything this show is about.

Also, shout out to my friend who pointed out the Mad King said “Let them burn”. Everything comes full circle on this blog.  Also, I expect this will be a longer post (yeah I know they’re all long), even though it was only a 50 MINUTE EPISODE.

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Come on, HBO, do better. You tell us there are only seven episodes this season and then you make one 50 minutes? Don’t think you can distract us with how short it is by shoving in all our hopes and dreams into the episode….but it was jam packed.

We start off still at High Garden with one of my personal favorites (and therefore probably high on the list of people about to die) Ser Bronn of the Blackwater teasing Jaimie about his pissy mood. Bronn sasses Jaime about Lady Olenna, not aware of the fact that Lady O just admitted to killing Jaime’s douchiest oldest son.

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Then Bronn asks for a castle, Jaime tells him l8tr and there’s other shit that might be important in the long run, but I can’t remember because the rest of the episode was so epic. So moving on.

In Kings Landing Cersei is dealing with her banker still. Cersei tells him the money is on the way, which he is excited and disappointed about all at once. He says a lot of people will be upset to not collect on her interest anymore, teaching all of us a valuable lesson about paying off your credit card on time and not buying too many shoes in a given month.

Me after every Sunday Brunch:

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Then we head to Winterfell where Bran Stark the Three Eyed Raven is sitting in a room with Little Finger.

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Why?? What does he want? And for the 100th time why can’t Bran just have one of his visions at a convenient time? Can you just do your job, let everyone know all the shit Little Finger has done so we can kill him?

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Anywho, Little Finger is there to give Bran the knife someone used to try and kill him and reminded us that this all started because of Bran (not that I needed reminding).  Little Finger talks to Bran about chaos, trying to play mind games with him, but Bran is the master of mind games now and quotes Little Finger from long ago saying “chaos is a ladder”.  Little Pot Stirrer seems confused, but Meera comes to interrupt their little chit chat.  Little Finger peaces out, but not before he calls Bran, Lord Stark. SOMEHOW, after telling Little Finger he is not Lord Stark, he does not go on a tangent about the Three Eyed Raven.  That is not something he needs to know, no matter how crazy it sounds.

Bran and Meera now have time to chat and he tells her he knows she’s come to say goodbye and thanks for everything.

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Thank you?? Lucky for me, I don’t have to list all the reasons why that is so rude because Meera does. Her brother died, Hodor died, someone else may have died, all to keep Bran safe and all Bran can say is thank you? Shocker, he uses this opportunity to say Brandon Stark is dead and Meera (and my) hopes and dreams of a torrid love affair between the two are ruined.

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What’s with the Starks not thinking they can be the Three Eyed Raven or King in the North, but can’t get some ass?

We then pan to a hilltop over looking Winterfell…with the music we all know and love…and a girl on a horse….oh god.

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I might not make it through this part in one piece. Already crying again just thinking about that music and Arya coming home. I really thought the writers were going to have her turn the horse around and ruin this for all of us, but instead Arya marches up to the gate where two door guys are blocking her entry. Isn’t there a war going on? The bar I work at has more security than this.

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The door guys are idiots, tell us Arya is dead and she isn’t allowed in.  Why does Arya have to answer 20 questions, but they let Bran roll right on in?

Again, I’m concerned they are going to convince her to go away, but she tells them if they’re wrong, they’ll die so they decide to go tell Sansa, but not before Arya disappears. Again, I’m freaking out that she changed her mind and dipped out, stop drawing this out! The men tell Sansa and imposter came by and name dropped a few people, but is gone. Somehow, mentioning the names of some old men as opposed to saying something only Sansa would know like “Joeffry is a turd” convinces Sansa to go look in the crypt and…SHE’S STILL HERE.

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Arya, always being sassy asks if she has to call Sansa Lady Stark now and Sansa says duh. Then Sansa hugs Arya….once again, Sansa does not get hugged back for the second time this week! You’d think Sansa would be the one who doesn’t like physical contact, but it’s every other siblings. Sansa reveals that Jon was excited to see her but will probs be more excited to see Arya (fair) and then they try and one up each other on whose had it worse since they last left Winterfell.

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I think I’m going to go with Sansa.  The sisters then commiserate over the fact that neither of them were the one to kill Joeffry. Sad that they will never party with the woman who did.

Sansa also tells Arya that Bran is here too, but her face says it all. Sansa is happy to have this family reunion, but she knows Bran is a wack job now and wants to prepare Arya. When they go to see Bran, he doesn’t waste time announcing he’s been creeping on Arya and asks why she didn’t go to Kings Landing to complete her list.

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Just try and act normal, Bran. Try. I’d like to note that Bran also doesn’t hug Arya back, which is good because we know Sansa would have had a fit.  He then shows them the blade that almost kills him and gives it to Arya, something else Sansa probably will freak out about.

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Called it.

At Dragonstone, Dany and Missandei are chatting about her hook up with the Unsullied Greyworm. Like the rest of us, Dany is trying to be kind while trying to figure out the logistics of this hook up in her head.

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Jon interrupts them to show Dany the dragon glass they are going to “borrow”, but also the drawings from the Children of the Forrest in the cave. We find out that they were friends with the first men and worked together to defeat the White Walkers, which there is also a drawing of, proving to Dany that Jon isn’t crazy….but let me throw this out there. One, didn’t the Children of the Forrest create the White Walker? And two, could Jon have found a rock and drawn the White Walkers himself to make his point??

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Regardless, Dany offers her help if Jon bends the knee. Jon doesn’t want to, she calls him names and all the while I hear nothing except the sizzle from the sexual tension Jon is giving me.

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I KNOW I am not the only one having a hard time following this convo. Jon crowds in on Dany, she gets closer to Jon, it’s just too much. Jon doesn’t bend the knee though in this cave and history does not repeat itself probably because Jon (and Kit Harrington) don’t want to betray the memory of Ygritte.

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We leave the cave and Dany finds out that the Unsullied have won Castarly Rock…by fighting no one and letting Lady O is donzo. This causes everyone to need a long walk on the beach to cool down, which works for everyone besides Dany who is POed that she is sitting on a beach while other people are fighting a war. I’d kill to be on a beach right now, Dany, calm down. She then implies that Tryion is trying to sabotage Dany and not defeat his family.

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Back the F up, Dany. You have never met Cersei and I promise you that when you do it’ll be obvious Tryion would want to kill her. And Tryion cant kill Jaime because, duh, the prophecy. Dany’s immediate urge is to jump on a dragon and burn the Red Keep to the ground, which sounds very much like something Cersei would do.

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I’ve had to use this gif pretty much every recap this season, these people are acting so cray.

Dany then asks Jon’s opinion on what to do making everyone tense up. Jon tries to be Switzerland, but then Dany gets closer to him and he’s too turned on to deny her anything. He tells her she’s a nice lady and it probably wouldn’t look good if she just started burning cities to the ground, just more of the same.

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Back at Winterfell, Lady No Lady Brienne is still trying to teach Pod how to fight. Snaps for Brienne and Pod because if i was either of them, I would have given up by now, but they still think there’s a chance.

Arya then walks up, itching for a fight and asks Brienne to humor her. Brin’s not too sure at first, but then get’s really into it, making me think this is how Arya’s going to go, Brienne accidentally chopping her head off. Arya is fighting with needle, don’t you think you should be a little more cautious in swing that axe of a sword, Bri?

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Brienne is impressed though and asks Arya who taught her to fight and a girl says no one, bringing back memories I’d like to forget. Also, kind of rude to say no one taught you how to fight after the sword master saved your life, but whatevs. Then they see Sansa and Little Finger watching from above and Sassy Sansa does not look happy.

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Seriously, what is your problem? You don’t like that she can fight and you can’t? That Brienne wanted to hang out with her? What is the problem?? I thought we were past your teenage years, but I guess I was wrong. Also, I am very much concerned on what Little Finger is going to do to add fuel to this fire, we’s already grinning like an idiot.

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We then head back to Dragonstone (I’m getting dizzy) and Ser Davos is asking Jon what he thinks of a certain lady and Jon acts like he didn’t even know there were women on this island.

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Once Jon admits that he noticed Dany was female, he tells us that he doesn’t have time for “that”…but he does have time to hold 30 meetings a day at Winterfell?

Davos and Jon then chat with Missandei about why Jon is a bastard, which is a foreign concept where Missandei is from.  No one even gets married there, which Ser Davos finds very liberal and progressive.  They also get a little history on how Missandei came to work for the Mother of Dragons and why people follow her. After her inspiring speech, Davos considers switching sides.

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They see a ship in the distance and it’s none other than Jon Snow’s best friend, Theon Greyjoy Reek.  Of course, Reek acts like nothing is wrong and says a friendly hello to Jon.  You do remember that you pretended to murder Jon’s two younger brothers?  He asks about Sansa, still not picking up on Jon’s pissiness, and Jon tells him that saving her is the only reason he isn’t beating the shit out of him right now.

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Reek then tells everyone Yara has been captured and he needs the Queen’s help to get her back. Jon tells him the Queen is gone.

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IT IS TIME.

We then pan to Jaime and Bronn teasing a poor kid named Dickon, when they hear a noise in the distance.  While I am waiting for a dragon to pop over the horizon, it’s the Dorthraki making a bunch of cat calls.  While the Dorthraki charge the Lannister army, killing men and getting killed, I am just sitting here like:

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COME ON. I KNOW THEY ARE THERE.  Finally, Jaime looks up from racing around on his white horse that doesn’t stand out at all, to see a dragon.  Jon told Dany she shouldn’t burn cities to the ground, but he said anything about burning armies and Lannisters in an open field.  Dany is taking no prisoners and lights these men up, and probably some men of her own.  Can I just ask, wouldn’t it have been a better idea if Dany and Drogon had just burned these men real quick as opposed to killing half her army?

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I feel like I should be Hand of the Queen.

Once we see Drogon, Jaime sends Ser Bronn with the Two Good Hands to go get the Cersei’s dragon killing device ready. THESE ARE ENDANGERED SPECIES, why do you all want to kill them?? (maybe because they are burning their men alive, but I don’t care) Bronn almost gets killed a few times on his way to the machine, but somehow he prevails.  Dany, being the crazy person she is, CHARGES HER DRAGON AT THE MACHINE AND DROGON GETS SHOT.

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Reckless driving at it’s finest here.  Why wouldn’t you just leave? Or, I don’t know, come from behind, maybe SWERVE? What is it with the concept of swerving in this show?

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I felt like I was yelling at Rickon all over again, what is wrong with these people/dragons?

Drogon, being the badass he is, is shot, but still destroys the machine.  Then he crashes to the ground where Dany tries to pull the oversized arrow from his chest, because now she’s concerned for her child. Tyrion looks on from afar, cursing Dany for being so stupid and then see’s his brother, still on the easy to spot white horse, looking to charge Dany.  Tryion speaks for all when he calls his brother an idiot for trying to take on a dragon.

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But, let’s give credit where credit is due, because crazy-like-his-sister-Jaime does charge the dragon like a maniac.  Bronn isn’t that great of a shot though and missed the dragon’s fire breathing mouth which turns towards Jaime to kill him and causes me to freak out even more. Jaime has to kill Cersei, you can’t kill Jaime!

Luckily, Ser Bronn is still alive and, once again, saves Jaime from burning to death and shoves him off his poor white horse that def dies, into the deepest pond in the history of ponds.  And, it seems, that in all Jaime’s training he was never taught to swim and he sinks into the darkness as the screen goes black.

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First, way to drop a TO BE CONTINUED like this is the Bachelor.  Also, I will still not forgive the writers and HBO for only making that episode 50 minutes….but it was probably the greatest episode of all time.

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It might even be the greatest episode in the history of television.  All I know is they are just competing against themselves now.  And, since we got two Stark reunions, Jon and Dany sexual tension and dragon’s killing Lannisters, someone we love will die next week.

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I suggest we all take this week to prepare.  Until next Sunday, when I will be sitting watching a Grateful Dead cover band instead watching this live because my boyfriend isn’t a Thrones fan decided to celebrate his birthday.