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Bet you didn’t expect to hear from me again.  Well me neither.  I can safely say that after two week’s of not recapping the Bachelorette, I feel more alive than ever.  But some of you made comments about my absence and I felt guilty for dipping out.

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And guess what? I don’t. I moved in the last two weeks, packed and unpacked (kind of), I had too much going on to watch this boring AF season.  And before you say “but you did a Game of Thrones recap” ask yourself, is Game of Thrones EVER boring?

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Exactly. Guess what, I still like Rachel. She is the only Bachelor or Bachelorette that I did not despise at the end of their season. But Rachel is made to go to brunch with, not made to go on TV. She’s too normal, super agreeable and I haven’t seen one temper tantrum. That does not make for good TV.

So I skipped Hometowns. I watched Rachel’s Hometown and last week’s joke of an episode, but I missed Deans Hometown which I have heard was the greatest and most emotional moment of the season. But I physically CANNOT dedicate two hours of my life to going back so I can spend 6 hours recapping it, especially when I didn’t have a DVR at the time and can’t fast forward through commercials.

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I’m glad I got that off my chest and I’m sorry to those who I let down. But I’m back, mostly because my monthly Susan Miller horoscope told me I’m going to get a book deal or my blog is going to take off this month. So consider yourselves warned, I’m about to get two big for my britches.

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Now, on to the Men Tell All AKA the Fight for Paradise and Winter Games!  First, Chris Harrison gives us a little montage of all the best moments in Men Tell All history. Some of them are fine, but saying JP and Ashley’s fake baby reveal is the greatest moment of all time?

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Also, why didn’t we get this for the Women Tell All?? You know I could relive Jason dumping Melissa to date Molly over and over again.  Finally, Chris decides to talk about the men,  a number of which I do not remember. Seriously, who is Jamie???

And, before we go any further, ABC ought to be ashamed of themselves. ASHAMED. There was one man who America fell in love with this season, one man who stood above the rest and you couldn’t even invite him.

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Asian Blake. Really, should have been the only Blake, but the other one was allowed to harass Whaboom and America for several week. I’m saying it now, Blake for Bachelor…and you know which Blake I’m talking about.

Chris also let us know that “testosterone” was a huge cause of the conflicts this season and he thought about beefing up security for this episode…why Chris? Maybe because you hired a racist to create a story line and provoke a half of your cast?

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Before you ask, I will be discussing the fashion later on in this post. It deserves its own post, but you’re lucky I even gave you this one so we will just touch on it in a little bit.

Chris lets us know we will be discussing three feuds today.  DeMario and women, Whaboom and Loser Blake and Lee vs THE WORLD.  We begin with DeMario, who is really excited to be on TV.  I’d appreciate if someone could tell me if this was filmed before or after Paradise, but I will get my answer soon enough.  DeMario, grinning like an idiot, tells Chris that they don’t have “ocular facts” that he dated Scrunchie.

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Someone has been waiting to use that word all night.  Chris calls him out though and says DeMario told Chris, while being recorded, that she was his girlfriend.

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DeMario denies that amidst the studio audiences boos and decides his best course of action is honesty.  He asks Chris “do you know what a side chick is?”  Chris, the most sheltered spawn of Satan, does not know what a side chick is it seems, but luckily DeMario is here to educate us all.  He says there are no photos of  this girl ( also known as ocular facts).  It seems texts are not enough and DeMario doesn’t know when to quit because he defends his actions with “Bill Clinton had sex with Monica….”

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The rest was cut off, but the damage was done. He also says that by all they know, he could be dating Beyoncé….Bill and Monica was one thing, but do not mess with Beyoncé, sir.

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Next we move on to Whaboom and Blake, an argument I do not care about and neither does anyone else.  The two argue for five minutes before Iggy jumps in with his Run DMC meets will.i.am look to tell us that these two fought like this constantly.  Blake brings up the banana again which we thankful pass right over and Chris wonders allowed why they hate each other so much.  These two men where on a reality show together.  Where Blake went on with his girlfriend and Whaboom, then known as Lucas, came on to break them up.  YOU KNEW THIS.  YOU PURPOSEFULLY CAST FOR THIS.  Do not sit there and act like you cannot possibly understand the underlying feud between these two aka the fight they planned out together to make for good TV.

 

Next is Lee.  Racist, sexist Lee.  We talk to Kenny first, as he was the defender of the realm when Lee was on the show and ask him about how this all started.  Kenny explains that the Lee drama is just as exhausting for him to watch as it is for us.  He also says that Lee was out of his league with these men, but he never considered his actions racist.

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Did not expect that.  I guess since the men didn’t know about his racist tweet, it looked different on the inside, but we will get to that.  Chris invites Kenny to come sit in the hot seat, where the men praise his character and he defends his outbursts that Lee called aggressive.  Lee takes this opportunity to tell us that Kenny pulling him from the van wasn’t true.  Kenny’s response?

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Kenny explains that he worked hard to handle these issues as well as he could since his daughter was watching back home.  And speaking of, let’s bring Mackenzie out!  If anyone sat through this and didn’t at least think about crying, you have no heart.  Kenzie comes on stage looking fabulous, giving her dad a rose and causing us all to cry, including Kenny once again.  Chris is loving exploiting this relationship, but he also feels like being an Oprah for once in his life and announcing that they are going to Disney Land!

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Chris Harrison, for the first time in a long time I actually kind of like you.  Sadly, only one car trip was given out.

Kenzie goes backstage to put on some sound proofing headphones and Chris asks Lee to join him on stage…Lee who has yet to utter three words besides “I’m learning”.  Once up there, he really doesn’t veer from his chosen defense, but the men have something planned as well and so does Chris Harrison.

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Chris Harrison, spilling all the tea.

That’s right Lee, along with you being a racist on television, you were a racist on twitter.  The men, who have done their research since leaving the show, are ready to throw down.  Instead, Lee sticks with the “I’m learning route” and the men are just as confused as we are.  Even DeMario, who defended Lee earlier saying he reached out to offer his support (in regards to Schrunchie or because of Paradise?!?!?!) has now turned on Lee, offering him a black history lesson and teach him why saying the KKK is the same as the NAACP, but Lee still acts confused on why they are upset.

Then Josiah takes the stage with Lee.  I don’t like Josiah, but he is about to school Lee and I am here for it.  He tells Lee that he just applauded a group that murdered his ancestors. Lee sits there.  He asks him how he came on the show with a predominantly black cast when he had these thoughts and came to date a black bachelorette.  Lee’s answer?

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Seriously, his argument was that he was happy to have learned from this experience.  Learn what, we still don’t know.

Next is Dean who asks Lee how he can sit there now and say he’s sorry and denounce these tweets, but has not done so in all the time since he’s been off the show.  Instead he promoted it and his depiction on the show…but now he’s sorry.

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Dean, who they said was not mature enough for Rachel, serving that tea.

And finally, Anthony.  Anthony who left us long ago, but we never forgot his earrings or his soothing voice.  He asks Lee if these thoughts are ingrained in him, if he believes them or even understands what he said and why they were wrong.  Has he changed? “Are your actions motivated by racist thoughts or are they implicitly embedded into your mentality?”

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Lee compliments Anthony’s beautifully executed question and then pretty has poked by Chris Harrison to say “I rebuke these tweets!”  Lee also argues that the tweet was a part of a Facebook post and half is missing….which makes me very concerned what the other half could have been.

Also, you are going to blame this on twitters 160 character limit?

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After all of this, after showing the tweets twice, having the men say how offended they are, how attacked they are, how concerned they are for Lee’s mental capacity, after all of that, Chris lets Lee have the last word.  The last work which is pretty much coached out of him, that’s how much he wants to apologize.

I have said it once and I will say it again.  ABC, saw the tweets, new about Lee’s thoughts on African Americans and women and feminists and hired him because of it.  You know these men get background checks, get psychoanalyzed and you know this season they made a point to find men who would be honored to date the first black bachelorette….and they wanted one who didn’t.  Seriously, they contact Lee on SOCIAL MEDIA and they want to play the “we didn’t know” game.

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Well done, ABC.  You allowed a racist on the show so you could then put him on the reunion and act like you solved racism.

All the men hug it out with Lee, as per their contract and Chris doesn’t have to call in his extra security.  Although he might want to now, because it’s Dean’s turn to come on stage and I saw at least 10 women in the audience with custom “Team Dean” shirts.  There also were some Adam Jr.’s but I’m not even going to get into that.

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Dean discusses how he and his family both agreed to go on the show, how he knew it would be hard to show a not perfect family dynamic and how he was glad he did it.  I need the men to, once again, think back to when they said Dean was immature.

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Chris also lets us know Dean is going to Paradise.  While I should be bothered that they didn’t ask Dean like they usually do, but instead announced it, I can’t react because the minute they say Paradise, they pan to DeMario.

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THEY HAVE NO SHAME.

Now it’s time to bring Rachel out!  Once again, not sold on this ensemble and I am going to keep JoJo as our Best Dressed Bachelorette, but Rachel’s body be bangin and her hair looks fabulous.

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Rachel says she has missed some of the men.  She doesn’t remember who DeMario is, she would like Lee to come in the back to talk about race, feminism and women’s rights and she still loves Dean just like the rest of us (I’m assuming that part, but we know it’s true). She is disappointed in how Kenny handled Lee and Kenny says that once these other men fail, to call him.  She also would like everyone to recognize what a great guy Matt was and that it’s edit’s fault we didn’t see more of him.

Rachel tells us that, while this season was difficult and as challenging as she thought, it wasn’t about race for her.  Sadly, the same cant be said for ABC, who definitely loved having the race card on hand.

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And finally, Fredrick.  Don’t remember Freddy?  He’s the kid who fell in love with his camp counselor, also known as this season’s Bachelorette, Rachel.  He never got a fair chance, but he is happy for her.  The men then stand up to applaud Fred, showing us that the bromances are still strong this season, we just didn’t get to enjoy them like we hoped.

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Before Rachel can leave the stage, Chris announces that “it’s time for, what we like to call, bloopers”….everyone calls it bloopers.  Does he think they invented bloopers?  Has he ever watch America’s Funniest Home Videos or the search The Office bloopers on Youtube?

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Two bloopers are worth mentioning.  One is Rachel eating a chip and describing them as “salty…just like Josiah when he got sent home”.

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The next is Dean, who needed the cameraman to take his gum, which he did not, so he stuck it behind his ear.  When the camera crew freaked out on him, he took it out from behind his ear, put it back in his mouth and swallowed it.  Dean even looks mortified watching this video, but I happen to be the most ashamed because even Dean doing something so gross did not make me love him any less.

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Once again, the men tell all was a bust and something that should have been shot live. Chris offers us a teaser of Bachelor in Paradise, but tells us we have to wait until next week during the finale that none of us want to watch.  But, once again, at the mention of Paradise, they flash to DeMario.

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HOW IS THIS OKAY??

The Men Tell All Fashion Awards

Best Dressed Winners:

  • Diggy: Do I need to explain this?  Diggy brought another pair of Warby Parker glasses and a snazzy bow tie to the show and reminded us why he was one of the unsung heroes of this season.  Still upset we never saw his shoes, but rumor has it we could see more of him in Paradise.

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  • Matt:  If you don’t know who Matt is by now, then shame on you.  Rachel told us to pay attention and notice the man edit decided to forget about all season.  Matt showed up with some Rogaine and a sexy grey suit and I am here for it.

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  • Anthony:  Maybe I didn’t notice his suit, but I noticed what else he was serving and thus he deserves to be on this list.

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  • Alex: I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY, I LOVED IT.  I realize it was a floral brocade suit, but I seriously don’t care.  All I wanted was to run my fingers through those luscious locks and kiss that skin, nice and bronzed by Paradise.  If my boyfriend is reading this, I am sorry, but I wont take it back.

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Worst Dressed Losers Winners

  • Dean: I know and I’m sorry.  But where gorgeous and underappreciated Alex was wearing floral, Dean wore a CAMOUFLAGE blazer. I don’t care how sexy you are or who makes it, but it isn’t okay.  It’s also not okay when you buy camouflage shorts with a fatigued American flag on them that you insist are only for concerts, but proceed to wear for an entire week…..shout out to my boyfriend. But don’t worry, Dean, you’re still a cutie.

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  • Iggy: Diggy went high, Iggy went low.  I love me some Iggy and I refused to bash his gossipy ways because I relate to them so much…but I cannot ignore that outfit.  The Black on black look, the chain.  I know there is a better analogy than Run DMC and will.i.am, so please feel free to correct me, but whatever it is, it’s odd.  And it distracted from any gossip he divulged. I  don’t remember one thing.

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  • DeMario: Couldn’t even put on a suit, could you? Couldn’t even put on sleeves. Way to make a better second impression than your first, NOT. You decided you were above dressing up, proving that you are on a completely different level than the rest of these men, most likely because he’s got something in writing saying he now owns the network.

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Next week is the Finale and After the Final Rose, but I would’t hold your breath.  I cant promise I’ll watch it and I definitely can’t promise I’ll recap it.

Tootles.