The long awaited meeting has finally occurred, The Dragon Queen and King in the North are in the same room.

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And, shocker, Dany was a bossy bitch the entire time. Jon Snow arrives at Dragon Stone and is greeted by a sassy Missandei and a beaten up Tryion.  As a sign of good faith, they demand the King in the North hands over his weapons and boats.

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Jon is then taken to see his queen aunt future girlfriend new boss, Daenerys, but not before meeting her children.

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Tryion also takes this opportunity to check in his ex wife, Sansa and chat about people who underestimated her…oh and btw, the marriage wasn’t consummated, Jon.

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TMI for Jon, her  cousin potential suitor half brother.

When we do see Dany, she’s on her wannabe Iron Throne and we are given a fifteen minute long intro with all of her titles.  We are going to waste a lot of time with these last few episodes if she doesn’t shorten that up. No one could fit that on a business card.

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Sir Davos isn’t totally prepared and just introduces Jon as “Jon Snow…the King in the North”. He doesn’t sound uber confident, but to me this is way more effective then Dany boring people with “breaker of chains” and all that other stuff. Or it might be because Jon is so sexy.

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Dany tells Jon he can be Warden of the North and asks him to pledge his allegiance to her. Quick and too the point, I hate her delivery. So does Jon who says no about 30 times, causing Dany to come pretty close to throwing a temper tantrum. She really seems more and more like the Mad King’s daughter every day.

Jon then explains that he needs her help and she needs his, causing the great khaleesi to scoff at him and be even ruder. Jon then tells them of the Army of the Dead, the Night King and the white walkers.

Everyone:

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To say they all think he’s crazy is an understatement. Dany still bitches about ruling the Seven Kingdoms and I wish Jon would just tell her he doesn’t want to be King of anything, he just wants winter to be over so he can go relax on a beach. Sir Davos tells Dany she might be something big over seas, but Jon is the real deal and took a knife to the heart for his people, which has everyone scratching their heads, but Jon diverts them all from thinking too hard about that with a quick smolder.  Dany takes this opportunity to try a new tactic to convince Jon he needs to bend a knee, saying she is the last of the Targereyns.

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Boy is she in for a rude awakening.  Dany still doesn’t see that Jon is just as big of a bull head as her (not surprising considering they’re related) and proceeds to tell us about all the shit she went through to get here.  I think she and Sansa should totally get together and see who’s been through the most shit and take on the world.  While Jon does feel bad for her, he still isn’t into pledging his loyalty and his sword. Dany asks one too many times and it cause harsh Jon to set her straight.

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Dany then gets a whisper from Lord Varys and she sends her new friends to go take a bath and relax aka be her prisoners. So much for “breaker of chains”.

Up on top of Dragon Stone, Melissandre is watching from above and packing her bags before Jon and Davos see her. Lord Varys makes a point to be nosy and tells her to skip town and never return. She’ll be back she says, they both have to die in this country.

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Not even going to try and guess what that even means.

At Kings Landing, Euron the King of the Hipsters and Fuck Boys is dragging the Dorn mom and daughter #1 through the streets to Cersei. I’d like everyone who told me they were dead via twitter to eat their words now. He also is dragging Yara around, reminding her how Theon Reek jumped off the boat instead of helping her.

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Speaking of, Reek has been found by his men who ask where Yara is.  When he tells them he tried to help her, one guy calls him out saying if he had tried, he wouldn’t be here.

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Back to Euron, who brings the Dorn women to Cersei as her early wedding gift and I’m already scared. Dorn mom is trying to be a bad ass, but she killed Cersei’s daughter, I think she should cool it.

Euron is peacocking around the castle and Cersei promises him what he wants (aka her) once the war is won. Does he not know about the newer and younger model, Dany? Guess not since he decides to provoke Jaime and tell him he’s going to bang his sister/girlfriend.

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Then we go down to the dungeon with Cersei and I wish Jaime was here for this. I’m sure he wants vengeance too, but this is messed up and he should see just how mental Cersei is.  She’s taunting this woman with how she’s going to kill her daughter and I know what’s about to happen before it does. Cersei gives Dorn Daughter #1 a kiss and you know she just poisoned her like poor little Myrcella. Then she says how Dorn mom will get to watch her daughter rot and they’ll never move her body so she can enjoy it for years to come.

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Cersei then goes to find Jaime because she obvi turned on from her torture session. The siblings lovers proceed to get it on and methinks Cersei might be looking to get knocked up again.

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Jaime is a little concerned about people finding out about them and I’d just like to assure him, everyone already knows. Your love affair happens to be the worst kept secret in Westeros, don’t waste any of your energy in hiding it.

Up in Winterfell, Sansa is taking to the job us Girl Boss fairly well. Who would have thought that Sansa would retain any useful information over her years of torture, but she seems pretty smart and gives some solid advice. Little Finger is there the entire time though, getting a boner from her being so bossy, but he also wants to impart some wisdom: think of every possible battle all the time. Sounds super healthy.

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Sansa then gets called to the front gate and shit is about to go down because Arya is….oh lord, it’s Bran?

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Seriously, I need to stop thinking this show will ever give me what I want.  Of course Sansa is emotional and Bran isn’t. Their hug is maybe the most awkward thing in this whole show, more awkward then watching a brother and sister bang each other.

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Bran acts like he just took a ton of mushrooms and is tweeking out in his head. Sansa doesn’t even know how to talk to him, he just keeps mumbling about how he’s the Three Eyed Raven but he met the Three Eyed Raven.  He also really needs to talk to Jon.

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Send a bloody raven, Raven! How are we not thinking about this?? Sansa is kind of done when Bran tries to show her how he’s sees everything and was there on her wedding day when it was snowing and she had on a white dress.

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Lucky guess, maybe you should tell her Jon is her cousin and they can date instead of reminding her about Ramsey Bolton and his rape sessions.

Leaving Winterfell, we head to see Ser Jorah, who is doing better and is somehow cured. And, surprise surprise, where will he go now that he’s cured?

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Sam’s punishment is to transcribe a bunch of old scrolls, which you know he’s going to learn something important from. Luckily he knows how to use a raven.

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Okay, so he’s learning.  Back at Dragon Stone, Jon and Tryion and practicing their brooding.

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Jon is better. Tryion tells Jon he believes him about the dead army and asks Jon to make an actual request rather than just asking for help. Jon, always slow on the uptake, realizes that Tryion is trying to help him out and not talking in riddles.

Tryion then goes to Dany and plays some mind games, saying to give them the dragon glass, which she didn’t even know about. It’ll keep Jon busy while they clean up their mess of a battle they’ve started.  He also imparts some wisdom form a great lord he once knew, which Dany doesn’t believe and calls Tryion out for passing off his own advice as ancient and wise.

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Tryion and the team also need to talk about all the ships they lost to Euron and how it’s probably going at Casterly Rock.  They know they are coming, Greyworm could die, but Tryion has a trick up his sleeve: he was in charge of building the sewers.  Everyone is happy to learn that, while their men are storming the front, ten men (including Greyworm) will be sneaking in from behind.  I am anticipating the look on Cersei’s face when she realizes her little brother tricks her, until it becomes clear that Jaime and his army peaced out long before Greyworm and Co. arrived.

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Dany, oblivious to her second failure in the war, is chatting with Jon Snow about being a boss and examining what we think we know vs what we don’t know….honestly it’s all a blur, mostly because I am trying to gage the level of sexual tension on that mountain.  I cannot be the only one who watched this and felt the connection between these too.  It might have been because they’re related, but I’m going with the fact that they are the two sexiest people still alive in Westeros.

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Back with Jamie, we discover that he left The Rock to go visit Lady Olenna.  Cersei needs some money to pay off those imfamous Lannister debts and Jaime has gone to visit the richest lady in Westeros.  Lady O is waiting and I am not happy about another badass female character leaving us so soon.  Jaime is kind enough to give Lady Olenna some poison instead of giving her to Cersei and takes these last moments to open up about his GF.  Grandma knows best and says Jaime should probably leave her, but she knows he loves her and that will be the death of him.

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She also thanks him for giving her poison that won’t be painful, since she had such a hard time dealing with the poison she gave Joffery.

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She asks Jaime to let Cersei know it was her, which I hope it does considering she still blames Tryion for the second greatest death in all of Thrones, just behind Sansa letting Ramsey’s dogs eat his face off.

Things that didn’t happen this episode: Arya makes it to Winterfell and Gendry finally shows his face.

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We have five episodes left, HBO.  Don’t let me down.