My Sunday nights feel so alive again, but they are also super depressing.  Am I the only one who sits through these episodes and thinks about how there are only a few left??? Seriously, we have a lot to cover in two (extremely short) seasons and I don’t think we will get to all the important stuff.

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I swear, Gendry is the only thing I care about anymore.  It’s become an obsession.

Tonight, we arrive back at Dragonstone, the most boring place in Westeros, with a still PMSing Daenerys.  Today, she is channeling her pissyness towards Lord Varys and his flip flopping ways. She starts questioning his loyalty, throwing around the fact that he’s had a hand in over throwing and killing quite a few kings in the past and she doesn’t know if she can trust him.

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Lord Varys swears loyalty to Dany, but she isn’t buying it.  She pretty much is asking him to sell his soul to the devil and she is being pretty bossy about the whole thing.  About 100% of the people in Westeros are traitors, including Dany who had her brother killed, so I think she’s being a bit ridiculous.  Regardless, they both decide they are going to stay allies and if he feels the need to kill her, he will say it to her face and if he does, she will burn him alive.

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Also in Dragonstone, Melissandre shows up.

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Seriously, how is she still around??? I know these peoples’ story lines and purposes become clearer as time goes on, but we don’t have much time so I’d really like to spend it on something more important than Melissandre rambling on about the Lord of Light that I don’t understand and how Dany should invite Jon Snow to visit….Oh wait. That is important. Mel tells them they will need “the prince who is promised” to defeat the cold winter that’s coming and Dany points out she’s a female and not a prince.  Her little translator points out she’s an idiot and in old Valerian, prince is androgynous and can mean male of female.  Why does Daenerys have to be such a know-it-all all the time??
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Get off your high horse, Dany, not everything is a lesson on feminism.  Also, even with Varys having a bunch of little birds around town and having been in Dragonstone for days hours minutes an undisclosed amount of time, no one here knew about the new King in the North, Jon Snow. Tyrion is pumped though about this new intel and agrees that they should totally all get together. He’s a fan of Jon’s and Tyrion is a good judge of character, according to Tyrion, .

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Dany agrees to the plan, but tells them Jon Snow needs to bend a knee.

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DIVA.

Because we need something worthless following something productive, we quickly head to that nasty Citadel Sam is working at and it looks like Ser Jorah is being treated…. treated to some truth serum. The doctor tells him he’ll not die for a while, but he’s got about six months until his mind goes crazy.

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Poor Ser Jorah.  The doctor also tells him he’s got one day left, so I’m guessing they are just going to kill him? Sam asks if he’d like to get in touch with his family, and he says his last name is Mormont and he’s been disowned.

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How did I not realize that the badass Lady Lyanna was related to weak and whiney Ser Jorah??

Back down South, Cersei is holding a meeting and she has poor attendance.  Did she kill off everyone in Kings Landing or did people call in sick, because this is pitiful.  She’s just yelling at a bunch of old men about how they have to stop Daenerys because she’s bringing lots of problems, lots of Dragons and tends to kill lords and ladies and feed them to her dragons.

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Cersei, these people saw you blow up Kings Landing, let’s find a different argument than “Dany is crazy”.  You are just as crazy, this is just not an effective argument.

Somewhere in the North, Arya has gone to the her favorite pub to see her friend, Hot Pie. Shocker, she’s eating pie made by Hot Pie and discussing the merits of baking.  She’s also learning some new tips of the trade, many of which she didn’t consider when baking those men into her pie for Walder Frey. Not even sure how she can eat pie right now.

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Savage. She tells Hot Pie that she is headed South, which confuses him considering her family has got Winterfell back and Jon is King in the North.  Arya calls bullshit, saying the Bolton’s have it and Hot Pie tells her the Ramsey died in the Battle of the Bastards.  I actually thought that was just what us common folk called it, didn’t know it was known as Battle of the Bastards throughout Westeros.  But it’s enough for Arya, who peaces out, jumps on her horse and heads…..we don’t know what way she goes.

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Back at Winterfell, Jon has gotten a letter from Sam about the Dragon glass under Dragonstone which I still cant believe they didn’t think of on their own. Of course that’s where it is you morons.  He also got Tyrion’s letter asking him to come to Dragonstone (coincidence) and he holds a meeting with all the Northerners to say he’s going to accept. No joke, all they do at Winterfell is call meetings, they are wasting precious time.

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The Northerners are not too happy about dealing with a Taergaryn and don’t trust the Mad King’s daughter.  Going to be interesting when they find out Jon is also related to the Mad King.

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Sansa, shockingly, doesn’t support Jon’s idea of visiting Queen Dany.  Sansa has a lot of opinions, most of them steming from being a prisoner in her own home for the last ten years and not being able to have an opinion on anything. She’s sure making up for lost time, and she’s one screech away from stomping her foot.

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I had almost forgotten that Sansa was married to Tyrion at one point, she should really rethink their marriage.  He is a catch, but I digress. Jon disregards her opinion and Lyanna Mormont’s (which matters way more) And decides to go to Dragonstone and, until his return, he’s leaving Sansa in charge.

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Now, I know I should be on a feminist kick that Sansa got some power, but her little lady boner moment when Jon tells her, combined with Little Finger’s stupid grin when he hears the news, does not make me happy. I have high hopes for Sansa, but I want her to marry Gendry, not run Winterfell to the ground.

Also, I am going to flip shit if Arya did decide to go North right when Jon goes to meet the Dragon Queen.  And where is Brandon Stark?  Once again, not in any rush to get to Jon and let him know that he isn’t a Stark and is actually going to meet his aunt.

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Back at Castle de Feministas, Dany has more drama then she knows what to do with because she’s invited a lot of backseat drivers on this battle with her. We’ve got Varys, we’ve got Tyrion, we’ve got that crazy Queen of Dorn, we’ve got Yara and we’ve got Lady Olenna, one of the most badass women in this show, right behind Lady Lyanna Mormont.  Dany is having to spend her time breaking up fights between Tyrion and the Dorn Queen, who is trying to justify killing Marclela.  Queen Crazy, Marcella was the last innocent thing in Westeros besides Hodor, you had no right to take her from us. Dany shuts her down and says she has to be nice to Tyrion, I’m shocked Tyrion refrained from sticking out his tongue.

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Tyrion tells the Dorn, Greyjoy and Tyrell armies where they are going which is met with disapproval and then tells us that Greyworm is headed to Casterly Rock to take the Lannister’s home front, not that anyone is there.  But whatever he said makes the two older ladies pleased enough to stop complaining about their armies being sent to die.

Dany asks Lady Olenna to stay behind and chat and wants to promise her that she’s going to take Cersei down.  Lady O is the grandma we all know and love, imparting some sage old advice on how she’s stayed alive this long and outlived all the men who tried to counsel her: she didn’t listen to them.

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Me thinks Lady O believes Tyrion has a little too much power, which is maybe true, but Tyrion is smarter than all of these people and Dany has too many mood swings for me to keep up with.  The Mad King rubbed off on Dany whether she likes it or not, Tyrion should be king, just so I can see Cersei’s reaction.

Back in bum-fuck-nowhere, Arya is sitting in the woods and gets surrounded by a pack of wolves.  I will jump out my window if these dogs are what bring Arya to her death, but instead Nymeria shows up, Arya’s direwolf!  I’m happy to see that she didn’t die like everyone else, but the graphics here are a bit ridiculous.  I know dire wolves are big, but that editing was a bit much. Arya asks Nymeria to come home with her which means ARYA IS HEADED NORTH.

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DONT LEAVE WINTERFELL, JON, ARYA IS COMING HOME.  Seriously, a Jon, Sansa and Arya reunion is in the works, my joy cannot be contained.  And to everyone on Twitter who reminded me that Bran is also a Stark and still alive, cool it.  Bran is dead to me until he actually starts doing his job as the Three Eyed Raven and bothers to tell Jon that he isn’t a Stark.

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Nymeria pretends not to know who Arya is and leaves her to head North alone.

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Of course, Jon is leaving town ASAP so no reunion for him.  He does get a visit from Little Finger, who tells him he loved Sansa’s mother and he loves Sansa.

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Jon takes this opportunity choke Little Finger and relay a few threats.  While I am jumping for joy inside, Little Finger is always more unpleasant than usually when provoked. I’m sure this will be no different.

Hoping Arya will pass Jon on this highway to nowhere, but I’m not holding my breath.  I’d just like Jon to see Arya before he finds out that they aren’t brother and sister. I actually have to take a break right now, I just pictured an Arya and Jon reunion and I’m tearing up.

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We then head back to Dragonstone and luckily we don’t have to see Dany yell at people, we get to see Greyworm and Missandei get it on (as much as they can).  I appreciate the show runners giving us another love story to root for this late in the game, but I am going to try and not get too attached since we all know how this will end.

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Back at Sam’s hospital, we’ve decided that we cant not do something disgusting this episode so they have Sam save Ser Jorah by cutting off his grey scale.  It’s infected, it’s gross and at the rate this season is going, I will be throwing up my second dinner every Sunday night.  And when did we decide Ser Jorah is worth saving???

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Then we head out to sea, where the annoying Dorn triplets are talking about their weird mom and just repeating mamma over and over again.

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Seriously, I hate them, why are we spending time on them?  It’s the people I hate the most that never die.  We move on (not quickly enough for me) but just go to a different part of the ship where Yara and and Ellaria from Dorn are tossing sexual innuendos around like they are in 50 Shades of Grey.

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WHY DO WE SPEND TIME ON THESE PEOPLE? Even Theon looks bothered and he rarely shows any emotion anymore.  Luckily, their hookup is cut short due to a collision of some sort….

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No, it’s not an iceberg.  It’s Euron Greyjoy, the hipster of the Seven Kingdoms.  Out of all the battle scenes in the history of this show, I have never been more disinterested.  I don’t care about any of these people, I don’t care who wins, I am barely paying attention.

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I did see that two of the three Dorn Daughters get slaughtered, which I called for earlier, but regret after I watch Euron enjoy their torture a little too much.

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Then Euron grabs Yara and I realize I did like one person on this ship of dreams.  She has a lot of potential and just like Margery she’s going to be gone too soon.  Luckily Theon is there to save her….wait, why are the making faces, wait what is Theon doing…..WAIT THEON.

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ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DID HE REALLY JUST LEAVE HER?  I don’t know why I ever thought Reek would be different, he is maybe the most pointless character ever, right up there with Tommen.

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You just left Yara? Look, I get it.  He has been tortured before, he’s not up for it again, but jumping off the boat and NOT drowning yourself is not the best way to win fans.  Now, I was still in shock and didn’t pay attention after Reek’s departure, but saw two bodies hanging from one of the ships.  Some people are saying this is Yara and the Dorn Queen, but isn’t it those two daughters?  Yara isn’t dead, right?

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All I know is that next week is the night where Dany and Jon finally meet and probably don’t like each other and never get it on, but the anticipation is killing me.

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Let the countdown begin.