We have just watch the first episode of the penultimate (pat on the back for such a big word) season of Game of Thrones, and there are still so many questions to be answered, 90% of which Bran Stark most likely knows and hasn’t bothered to share.
So instead of speculation we are instead going to reveal this seasons House(wives) tag lines. These tag lines come from yours truly and have a lot to say about the characters and where I think they will be heading in the final seasons…but really, it’s just a way for me to combine two of my favorite things: Housewives and GOT.
Let us begin.
Brienne of Tarth: I’m no lady, but I do fill out a set of armor quite nicely.
Girlfriend isn’t too great at protecting people, she’s 0 for 2 on doing her job. She also let Jamie go and she couldn’t catch Arya. Brienne of Tarth claims not to be a lady, but she’s a feminist if I ever saw one. She’s not that entertaining and she’s only good for defending people like Really Baratheon, someone who was usually in the wrong.
Lord Varys: They say it takes balls to win at the game of thrones, I hope that’s just a rumor.
Varys and his little birds keep all the secrets, so I wouldn’t count him out for trying to make a run at the throne. Whether that’s supporting the Mother of Dragons or just taking a nap there himself, he’s here to play. He loves a good pot stirring, but somehow continues to be friends with the right people.
Ser Jorah: There’s nothing grey about my greyscale.
See Jorah is wandering around somewhere right now, pining for a woman who is about to (hopefully) meet the hottest man in Westeros. That means, Jora, you need to move the F on, but you probably never will. The only reason he’s trying to save himself from this greyscale was because Danny commanded him to find a cure. Otherwise, you know he would have just deteriorated away, more because of a stupid broken heart rather than the greyscale.
Lyanna Mormont: At the rate the rest of them are going, I’ll be queen in no time.
If Lyanna Mormont became queen then this series would have somehow achieved a happy ending. She can talk circles around these fools and most people should be afraid to mess with her. The only people who can take her down are the show runners and I know that if they kill her off, I’ll probably stop watching (not true) so that means she’s probably next to go. Regardless, Lyanna is a badass bitch, smarter and braver than anyone else in this series. I wish you well, but that probably just jinxed the whole thing.
Theon Greyjoy: What is dead may never die, but I sure as hell want to.
Theon, Theon, Theon. Poor thing. All he probably wants to do is leave, he’s probably be better for it, but they just keep dragging him back for a cameo and something bad happens again. All the secrets end up coming out, he is a danger to himself. Too much screen time on this show is never a good thing and Theon is proof of that. The man is dead inside, but he’s still here, now serving his sister, something that will probably backfire as well.
Yara Greyjoy: Anything with a cock is easy to fool. It’s the ones without that’ll be the real challenge.
Yara Greyjoy says she’s here for the throne, but she’s really just here for the party. The previews already show Yara spending her time seducing the ladies, something I’m not sure plays into her winning back her Iron Islands. I’m thinking Yara is just hear fro the free trips and the drama. She doesn’t care who wins, just as long as she’s invited.
Samwell Tarly: They say you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but who has time to read anyway?
Samwell Tarly is probably an important character, but he’s too boring for me to care. Sam is like any Housewife who’s been on for a few seasons now and producers have told them they have to get a story line or they’re done. At least I hope he’s going to get a storyline, otherwise what the hell is he doing in that massive library? He’s got a long way to go before he proves to anyone that his love of books is worth anything in this world of dragons and sword fights.
Brandon Stark: They say curiosity killed the cat and it hasn’t been too kind to me either.
If Brandon Stark does not start getting control of this Three Eyed Raven thing and showing us what we need to know, then I will kill him myself. He’s the Housewife that keeps teasing all this gossip and I’m beginning to wonder if he even knows anything at all. You have one job, Bran. Stop being as pointless as Samwell Tarly and tells us what you know.
Night King: Winter is here and there’s a 90% chance of white walkers.
Jaime Lannister: I’d go out on a limb for anyone I love, luckily I’m running out of people I love because I’m running out of limbs.
Jaime is a conundrum. He’d probably be good if he hadn’t shared the womb with his sister/girlfriend, but he never stood a chance against her. Jaime is supposedly going to kill Cersei, but I’m not holding my breath. Cersei will be the one to destroy Jaime, theirs is like many of the Housewives’ marriages that crumble once they are in front of the camera. Doomed from the start.
Little Finger: What Sansa says about Jon says more about Sansa than it does Jon…but what if I was the one who told Sansa?
Little Finger is the biggest gossip and pot stirrer in all the seven kingdoms and a lot of issues would probably be solved if he left, which is probably why he’s still here. He’s got lots of money and knows everything about everyone, making him an excellent Housewife to watch, but not too much fun for everyone in Westeros. Based on the preview he already seems to be stirring shit up. I can’t wait for the day someone finally realizes how insane this guy is, but if it hasn’t happened yet, I doubt it ever will.
Arya Stark: Life’s like a box of chocolates and you’ll never guess what I bake into mine.
Arya is taking names and kicking ass. She’s out for blood, she’s got a list and she’s checking it twice. I don’t think Arya will ever be the sweet, innocent girl we once knew and I’m not even sure she’s going to be pleasant if she finally finds her siblings/cousin again. She’s changed and, while she is a bad ass, she’s the Housewife most likely to go rogue.
Daenerys Targeryen: I’m not here to blow smoke up your ass, that’s what my dragons are for.
Danny is on a roll. She’s got and army, she’s got ships and she’s Tryion, she’s pretty much set. All she needs is that stupid throne everyone is fighting over. And while I know a woman doesn’t need a man, I sure as hell hope Danny gets one and that someone is Jon Snow. Regardless, Danny is the Housewife who just showed up to Westeros and is here to shake things up.
Gendry: Don’t hate the player, hate the game…because I’m not even sure I’m considered a player anymore.
IF GENDRY DOES NOT COME BACK THIS SEASON, I QUIT.
Sansa Stark: I’ve always been a trophy wife, but now I’m the one competing.
Sansa has probably had the hardest road out of everyone here. She’s dated and been married to some of the worst men in the history of Westeros. She’s the Housewife who you hated at first, but now you just pity. I’d like to think she’ll be happy some day, but probably Winter is here and Little Finger is still sniffing at her skirts, so she’s probably more screwed than ever.
Cersei Lannister: Who needs enemies when you have a friend like me?
Cersei is one crazy bitch. She’s the Housewife who makes for the best tv, but none of the others feel truly safe around her, which is fair. Between all her bad luck with her children and all the people she’s had killed, Cersei would make anyone scared. This Housewife is not here to make friends, it’s almost like she thrives on having people despise her….
Jon Snow: Every party has a pooper, that’s why I keep getting invited back.
I know we love Jonny boy, but he is a Debbie Downer. I can’t blame him, he’s been dealt a couple bad hands, but it’s a little much, Jon. He’s King in the North now, along with 400 other titles he’s been given over the series. Jon is the housewife who can sometimes be a little boring and moody, but you still love them and you keep watching because you know someday their storyline will get good again, AKA when Brandon Stark finally tells Jon he’s a Targaryen.
Tryion Lannister: I know the answer is wine, just trying to remember the question.
Game of Thrones would be nothing without Tryion Lannister, despite what Cersei says. He’s everyones’ favorite Housewife, the one who drinks, the one who parties and the one who’s practiced one liners still make you laugh. Tryion Lannister is the Housewife that would cause the entire franchise to crumble if they left. And in Westeros, that means we should try and detach ourselves now, because there’s no way they’ll let him survive.