It feels like a year since Game of Thrones ended and….

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JK, it has been a year. Doesn’t that seem a little harsh, HBO? You’re better than this. Regardless, we are back in Westeros and I felt that a Game of Thrones recap post would be in everyone’s best interest, especially my own. as I do not want to do anything productive.

Now, before we get started, I expect my views to double, if not triple on this post, considering how many of you Instastoried that open sequence Sunday night. A) not super original but I’m not judging and B) that just means more people like GOT than the Bachelorette, totally cool with me.  Don’t think I’m above DMing people this post if I feel like you didn’t read it.

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Now, let’s get to Westeros, shall we? First, I’d like the name of the man or woman (equal opportunity up in here) who made that brilliant countdown before the show. You were right to assume that most of us turned it on early so we didn’t miss anything and that countdown clock made me feel like I was Jack Bauer in 24. Brilliant work.

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Second, snaps to whoever made that “Previously” montage that went by super fast, but reminded us that Tommen threw himself from his Ivory Tower because he was in love with an older woman that his mother killed out of jealousy and revenge.

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Now, on to the show! I expected to jump in with splash and you all did not disappoint. I’d like everyone to know that the minute I saw that nasty old Walder Frey still breathing, I screamed at my TV “ARYA STOLE HIS FACE”. Maybe I wasn’t the only one to catch on so quickly, but I feel like I was definitely one of the fastest, my roommate didn’t even understand what I was yelling, but that might have been the dominos shoved in my mouth.

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Arya poising all those Frey men was one of her more sadistic moves and I loved every minute of it. Do I think Arya is demented? Sure. Do I find her creative ways of murdering people fascinating and a little bit inspiring?

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A girl is not no one anymore, she’s a fucking badass.  She tells these fools that “when you leave one wolf alive, the sheep are never safe”. Once everyone is drunk choking to death on her special wine, she tells the girls she spared to tell everyone that “the North remembers” and walks out of the building that is best know for killing 20% of her family with her head held high.

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After the joyous scene of Arya’s audition for Inside the Mind of a Serial Killer, we then head to an empty field. There is something smokey happening far away and while I’d like to think we are about to jump in to one of Bran’s visions, but I know he is a lazy POS so it cant be him.  I’m right, per usual, and it’s the White Walkers, still walking. Seriously, I know they are dead, but they are very lazy and stupid. Shouldn’t they have made it to the wall by now and be brainstorming how to tear it down?

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Unfortunately, it seems I’ve conjured up Brandon Stark AKA the Three Eyed Wannabe Raven who was warging and seeing those White Walkers. Guess I was wrong about being right.  He wakes up and we see he is at the wall, FINALLY. I would like to blame Bran for this time delay, but he can’t walk so he has no control over the speed, but he did kill Hodor which is why poor Meera has been dragging him around. I hope she is just dropping him off and going on a vacation, but my gut tells me she’s in love with him and is going to pull a Jorah and never leave.

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Edd, the new, less hot, Lord Commander, opens the door to see what these two popsicles want and Meera is one smart cookie because she hella name drops “Brandon Stark”, just like any smart lady would do trying to get a reservation during Restaurant Week and has a vague connection to someone important.

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Edd asks why he should believe that he’s Brandon Stark. Obviously, Jon did not talk much about his siblings cousins or this man would know that this isn’t just a lazy biatch who makes a girl drag him around, but a kid who can’t walk. Jon doesn’t seem one for sharing, but don’t you think you’d just let everyone know that you’d like to hear if someone claiming to be your siblings cousins stops by?

Bran decides that instead of introducing himself or listing off the family tree, he tells Edd all the things Edd knows and has seen. Now you just seem like a freak, Bran, wouldn’t it have been better if you actually mentioned you were the THREE EYED RAVEN and therefore very important in your own right?  Edd’s freaked out enough to let them in and we find out chivalry is dead because no one offers to carry Meera, who has just walked a million miles dragging a crazy person behind her.

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Back at Winterfell, two of the Stark children cousins are holding court once again. Not to be annoying, but haven’t we already done this? Don’t you have shit to do? It’s a lot of talking and no doing at Winterfell.  My complaints go unanswered, but I don’t care because Lady Lyanna Mormont is back.

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Is she in the running for Queen? Not that she should want it, but if I had to vote now, I know that I’d be checking that box twice. #imwithher

It seems Jon and Sansa are having a sibling cousin quarrel over how to divide up a bunch of houses that I don’t even remember. We have enough going on, HBO, don’t throw more at us now.  Jon decides to forgive the houses who fought for Ramsey Bolton and let them pledge allegiance to him, mostly because the old men who made that choice are dead and there are just a bunch of 12-year-olds running the show. If they’re half as badass as Lyanna, I’m on board.

Unfortunately, Sansa is still holding a grudge against Ramsey for marrying her, raping her and killing her brother. I’d like to think she’d gotten her revenge after she had his own dogs eat his face off, but Sansa has a backbone ever since she jumped from that roof so I’m kind of scared of her and I don’t want to mess with her healing/ revenge process.

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Little Finger is also still at Winterfell, creeping on Sansa. Sansa who he gave to Ramsey Bolton. I don’t know if it’s his weird facial hair or creepy accent or the fact that he’s to blame for all of the problems in Westeros that aren’t Bran’s fault, but I don’t like him sniffing around Sansa all the time. You’d think this girl has learned how to avoid people playing games with her, but she hasn’t so I need him to BTFU.  Luckily, when Brienne isn’t being chased by that lumbersexual ginger, she’s got an eye on Little Finger so we should be set…until someone most likely kills her.

Sansa and Jon hug it out after fighting in front of people and Jon discovers Sansa’s girl crush on Cersei, who has demand Jon come visit her at Kings Landing or die. Jon knows the Lannister’s are afraid of the snow and instead thinks it’s time to head to those two little kids’ castles that I mentioned earlier, because he thinks that’s where the Army of the Dead will head.  If I were those kids, I’d skip town real quick and give him the castle. I wouldn’t want to meet the dead.

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Speaking of Cersei, she’s decided to redecorate the Kings Landing now that she’s Queen and I do have to admit, her new designs are very impressive, although not that practical.  Painted floors?  It’s just a big waste of time, time which is winding down very quickly because the show runners want to cut this show off, a show that runs about five weeks every 13 months.

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Cersei asks Jaime why he’s seems so distant lately and Jaime reveals that they have still yet to talk about Tommen.

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Cersei determines that they have enemies to the North, East, South and West, which really don’t sound like great odds. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that Cersei is one step away from losing all sense of reality and sending a Raven to invite the White Walker King to visit her.

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Instead, she invites Euron Greyjoy. Now, I would not have guessed it was Euron at first, considering he’s gotten a full blown make over. A make over that would fit better in Harry Potter or runway show Fashion Week 2080. I’m sorry, did we spend toO much on dragons this year and couldn’t afford to dress Euron like the degenerate he is?

Cersei does not accept Euron’s proposal of marriage, shocker. He pretty much threw out ten sexual innuendos which didn’t do anything for her. The only time I did think she’d consider marrying him was when she got all hot and bothered listening to him talk about murdering people and murdering his own brother.

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Back in the Riverlands, Arya, with the face of Arya, is making her way down to see Queen Cersei to check her off her list.  I’m not totally sure who’s left on Arya’s list at this point, you can google that yourself.  Anywho, during Arya’s ride through the forests of wherever, she hears someone singing.  Now, I had already read who was going to be singing in Westeros, AND I wrote a recap about it, so I am disappointed that all of Twitter did not read my recap and therefore was completely taken aback by Mister Ed Sheeran in Westeros.

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Ed is part of the Lannister army sent to see what the hell happens at the Frey party.  Now, considering Ed was a gift to Arya (Ed was brought on as a gift from the producers to Maisey Williams since she loves him so much), you’d think they would kind enough to give him a job not relating to the Lannisters. I do appreciate though that this Lannister army isn’t too concerned with what happened at the Frey Party, considering none of those parties usually end well.

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Too soon.

It is surprising though that these men are so willing to invite Arya to eat their food and drink their wine with a mad man woman on the loose, but they do.  Arya is skeptical of them, but decides to sit down and tells them about her plans to kill the Queen while cheersing with their wine.

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WHY THE HELL would you drink anyone’s wine after you just poisoned the Frey’s wine?  Why would you think that is safe?  And why would you tell them your plan to kill the Queen?  Luckily they don’t believe her about the Queen and, as far as we know, the wine is not poisoned.

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Somewhere on this side of the wall, the Hound is also roaming around with the Brothers without Banners.  I know I promised to make this detailed  (did I?), but if there is one thing I do not care about, it’s the Brothers Without Banners and Without a Story Line.  Maybe I’m not smart enough to get it, maybe I already have too many story lines in my head, but I have no idea what their purpose is.  AND WE SPENT SO LONG ON THEM.

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Here’s what I have gathered thus far from this trio.  First, they somehow have to be friends with with Melisandre, right? She worships the Lord of Light, they worship fireplaces, it’s the same guy, right?  Also, once they get the Hound to look into the fire, he see’s the army of the dead and some other stuff I can’t remember, probably because they kept showing me fire and telling me it was something else.  I’m trying to pay attention but….

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I’m moving on from this group of misfits. I don’t understand them and I don’t care to.  Which probably means the Hound will be sitting on the Iron Throne.

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Next, it’s Samwell Tarly time and I am so upset with myself because I just ate.  I have seen people slaughtered on this show, incest, dogs eating babies, I have seen all that and NEVER have I felt more like vomiting.  Sam’s got a new job and it’s cleaning up bed pans and vomit and shit and serving food that looks like that same vomit and shit.

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And if once wasn’t enough, HBO decided to replay the scenes of shit and vomit and food that looks like shit, over and over again, with Sam gagging in the background.

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JK, I’ve waited way to long for this. I’ll stay, even if it kills me.

After that disgusting montage, he helped an old man weigh organs, which wasn’t that bad compared to the literally shit we just watched, but since my stomach had still yet settled, I was not pleased and had to finally cover my eyes.  Sam, being Sam, rambles on and on about the restricted section of the library, causing me to open my eyes again to make sure I didn’t accidentally switch over to my ABC Family Harry Potter Weekend that I DVR’d.  I did not, which means this show has finally run out of story lines and had to copy someone else’s homework.

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Sam yaps on and on and the doctor dude tells him he believes him about the White Walkers, probably just to shut him up.  That night, Sam goes looking for the Cloak of Invisibility, but instead finds the keys to restricted section and heads over to start haphazardly grabbing books.  Maybe the doctor guy told him which ones to grab and I missed it, but I don’t know how he could see what books he was grabbing without a lantern or his wand.

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Two Harry Potter GIFs in a row is very excessive, but I refuse to apologize.

After taking his stolen goods home to Gilly and the baby-whose-name-may-be-Sam-but-it-real-could-be-anything-because-I-don’t-care-to-remember, Sam discovers that dragonglass is buried under Dragonstone, the home of the Targaryens….who bred dragons.

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How did no one think to look there first?? Hopefully Sam is smart enough to tell Jonny Boy to head to Dragonstone and then he can save the world and meet his aunt/ future wife all in one fell swoop.  Sam says he’s going to send Jon a raven, but I wont hold my breath considering how other ravens have failed me…

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Still in the grossest hospital ever, Sam is cleaning up bowls of oatmeal or puke (gag) and goes to grab one of the patients bowls through the prison cell, only to have some creature grab him and ask “is she here?”.  Sadly, this isn’t some sick patient who is hoping someone has come to visit them.  I know no one will believe me, but the minute I saw that hand reach out and heard a dude’s voice asked about a girl, I knew it could be none other than the love sick and pathetic Ser Jorah.

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Jorah obviously went to this hell hole to “find a cure”, just like Danny asked, and instead of asking about his treatment plan, he wants to know if Danny has arrived in Westeros. So pathetic.

Finally, we are at Dragonstone and Daenerys has arrived to claim her ancestral home back.  She’s sporting some intricate braids that must have taken half the voyage and a new wardrobe made for colder weather.  She’s officially in Westeros now so someone better send a raven to Ser Jorah because you sure as hell know she wont.  They walk around the castle, climb the great wall of China, and they do a bit of simple dusting and redecorating, starting with those drapes which she rips off down.

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We end with Danny posing the question “shall we begin?” after not talking for a good 10 minutes.  I get it, it’s impactful and dramatic and a big deal since she’s back in Westeros, but for me this was a let down compared to that penning segment with Arya.

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Tune in next week where I pray to the old gods and the new that we get to see GENDRY.