It’s hard  to explain how much I am dreading writing this recap.  And while I can’t explain it in words, I’m sure the word count will express my disinterest fairly quickly.

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Let’s begin.

For those of you who only read my recap and don’t watch the show, you probably haven’t realized that I blatantly skipped a recap.  I’m not ashamed.  ABC put two episodes in one week, then skipped 4th of July and my mojo is completely off.  I don’t have the energy or the patience to write about this show twice in one week and, even though I watched the Tuesday episode from two weeks ago last week, I still found no will to write about it.

So, for those who care, Kenny defeated Lee, Kenny cried about his daughter, Kenny went home.  Will has dated more white women than black women, Will went home.  Josiah continued to be Josiah, Josiah went home.  Someone else might also have left, but it’s not someone worth mentioning obviously or I would have remembered them.

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So here we are.  At this week’s episode, with four men left….wait, there are six.  No, those are crew members aren’t they?

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Above is me in the first few minutes of this episode. I seem to have forgotten that Rachel kept Adam, also known as Adam Jr.’s father and Matt.

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Still. No. Idea.

Now, I need to be honest going forward.  I did not commit my Monday night solely to The Bachelorette and Rachel’s journey.  If you know me then you know that Southern Charm Reunion and Real Housewives of O.C. premier took precedent.  That being said, this recap will be based on what a gleamed from flipping back during Bravo commercial breaks and listening to the episode while I packed my apartment.  I didn’t even bother to take notes, so this should be messy.

We are in Genovia!!! Genovia Genovia!

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No, your majesty, it doesn’t.  It’s a common misconception and the men seem to be confused as well because when they do their overdone “Rachel” scream off a boat, some of the men are obviously are yelling Genovia.

Eric tells us he’s excited to see “Big Rach”.

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Peter doesn’t look as cute as I remember, Bryan still creeps me out and Adam is nervous about Hometowns, but confident he’ll get a one-on-one this week.

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Rachel comes in to tell the men there will be three one-on-ones and one three-on-one.  Seriously?  First, you couldn’t do two one-on-ones and two two-on-ones?  We know who is going home, you don’t need to drag this out at all actually.  Also, you got rid of the Rose Ceremony? Someone was just over the Rose Ceremonies and decided, no more?

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You had ONE job.

One-on-One #1: Me and My Woman

At one point Bryan referred to Rachel as “his woman” I don’t remember at what point in the date, but I just wanted to let Bryan know, her name is Rachel.

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Anyway, Rachel is sooooo into Bryan.  Like try and play it cool girl.  You know who should also play it cool? Adam.  Adam is upset he isn’t getting more time with her….YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN ANY TIME WITH HER. Be grateful you are here and go find yourself a tour guide to talk to.

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Bryan and Rachel’s date is all about “high end”.  Rachel likes to treat a man from time to time she says, and she is going to treat Bryan.  I’d like to point out that while kind of watching this, I saw on Twitter that this man was on a show called The Player back in the day.

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Rachel is about to get played. Bryan get’s to drive a Rolls Royce around Switzerland and I’m shocked to see that they drive on the right side of the road and the right side of the car.  Which is the left…right?

Bryan is feeling “blessed, blessed blessed”.  They go to a watch store because Switzerland invented the wrist watch (learn something never every day) and they do some light shopping.  Now, I don’t know how much these watches cost, but the lawyer and the chiropractor should be set, plus a little help from ABC.  Bryan says he likes black while shopping and Rachel says “oh, do you?!?!”

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Rachel then decides to purchase both the watches and Bryan is so shocked he decides to make out with her on the sofa in this supposedly high end watch shop.  It’s Peter or Bryan at this point, so either they tell everyone they meet about their watches or he’s hawked that thing.

During all of this, back at the house, Adam and Matt are chatting about the fact that they haven’t gotten a one-on-one (pack your bags) and how Peter and Dean are not threatened by Bryan.  Dean, Mister Perceptive, says that Bryan is a 37-year-old man that lives in Miami and has gotten really good at sweet talking women.

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Back to Bryan’s date.  Bryan is telling Rachel we went to an all boys school because he was bad and asked for an earring. Suspicious.  Rachel went to an a private school as well and Bryan asked what her uniform looked like.

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She was a kid, you pervert.  Bryan reveals that his last relationship pretty much ended because the girl didn’t like his mom and wasn’t going to meet his mom half way.

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A 37-year-old single guy in Miami and a mamma’s boy?  That’s reality TV gold, see you next week sir.  Bryan get’s the rose, the orchestra plays, but I can’t hear a damn thing over their gross kisses.

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One-on-One #2: Is the Tooth Fairy Catholic?

Dean receives the second one-on-one and as he gets the card, he asks Adam not to hit him.

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Dean’s card asks him to dress in his “Sunday best”.  Shocker, they are going to church.  Rachel has never been to a Catholic mass before and it’s in French.  She asks Dean if he speaks French, so I guess she’s assuming he’s Catholic.  But, she says that if they hate it, they can leave!  They don’t leave, they just chat through the entire mass.

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Rachel wants Dean to go deeper with her (stop saying deeper), so he takes this opportunity to ask Rachel if she believes in the Tooth Fairy and what her favorite dinosaur is.  First they make us think we are in the made up land of Genovia and now Dean is on a trip of his own.

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Rachel is not amused. I’m not sure where Dean was going with the Tooth Fairy questions, but I think he’s just nervous.  AND it’s daytime.  Everyone who watches this show knows that you cant have a heavy conversation when the sun is out, that’s more for the evening portion so slow your roll, Rachel.

Back at the house, Adam (SHUT UP) is talking about Dean being stuck in his ways, as all of them were in their mid-twenties. Adam’s age flashes below, he’s 26-years-old.

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Serious question, Adam.  What would you do.

Rachel is worried that Dean isn’t giving her enough and is being too goofy. She needs to know Dean is husband material and I’d like to know what she’s smoking.  Rachel, Dean is not here to marry you, he is 25-YEARS-OLD.  Rachel does get Dean to open up though with those long claws and Dean reveals that Rachel is not going to enjoy his Hometown date.  He says he and his father’s relationship is strained and he’s gotten way more eccentric and Rachel is pretty much going to have a terrible time.

Im-In-gif.gifSide note: I am pumped for GOT this Sunday and you best believe I will be doing a recap.  Prepare yourselves.

You know production told her to hand over that rose.  Get those ratings, Big Rach.

One-on-One #3: I Wanna Go Home

Back at the house, Peter gets the final one-on-one and I am honestly surprised Adam didn’t throw himself off the Hotel Royale balcony.  Even Eric is now a little bothered and he usually never let’s what’s going on with the other men get to him….

Peter’s date couldn’t be more boring if it tried.  Well that’s not true, if it was Peter and Danielle L. it could be a lot worse.

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Peter and Rachel go dog sledding and I have to remind myself that Nick took Raven on this date last year, not Rachel, so we shouldn’t get any PTSD.  Peter tells Rachel he has been in his head a bit and has thought about leaving.  Rachel is concerned, but it’s Peter so she’s going to forgive him.  Seriously, this date is so boring I’m already at the evening portion and they are talking about his dating background.  No, he has never dated a black woman.

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Rachel decides to blow right past this too. What does become concerning is Peter isn’t sure what will happen at the end of this or if he will be ready to propose.  He does feel like he’s ready for love now, so lovely since he’s already been on this show six weeks.  I sure hope he’s ready, because Rachel seems like she would propose tomorrow.

Rachel still gives him the rose because it’s Peter.

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Three-on-One: Also Known As a Group Dateokay

The group date three-on-one card arrives and it says “tomorrow will be difficult, I don’t know what else to say….”  Shocker, this freaks Adam out and causes him to speak more than he has the entire season.  He doesn’t like the word difficult and it is not a word he has ever used in his vocabulary.

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He thinks tomorrow is his time to shine, shine like he’s been shining this entire time.  These are his words, not mine.  He also believes he has the strongest connection out of all the men.

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Mark Matt says he is speechless, what else is new.

We are going to France for the date (I think, I just know we left Switzerland, maybe we went somewhere else, but I’m not rewinding).  Once we arrive, Rachel tells us what an amazing guy Matt is.  He must have been the guy putting the mic on her all season, otherwise there is no way they have ever hung out.

Adam decides he needs to educate Rachel on his feelings regarding the word difficult.  Things can be challenging he says, but they should never be difficult.  And he’d like to make this decision as easy as possible….dear Adam, Rachel’s decision is not hard at all.  After his toast, Rachel pulls Eric aside to talk with him first.

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Eric’s time was pretty blah, but he was super sweet.  Then we move to Matt who thanks her.  He thanks her for letting him grow.  For letting him watch her grow.  To being apart of this experience and letting him change.  Rachel is crying and somehow I am crying too.  Rachel says that she see’s so much of herself in Matt and in any other setting this would be something.  But here it cant.

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I mean, I knew Matt was leaving.  Hell, I didn’t even know who Matt was before this week! So why am I crying?  Why is Rachel crying?  They make out for the first time (we’ve seen) as a goodbye kiss and usually I’d be bothered by that, but Matt takes his mimosa with him and I realize that I’m in love with Matt.

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Despite his hair line….should we start a Matt for Bachelor campaign?

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We make it to the evening portion of the group date three-on-one two-on-one and I hope Adam knows that he should not consider himself Top 5, but he still thinks he’s getting the rose tonight so I’m sure he does think he somehow beat Matt.

Also, it took me a while, but I now know what Adam’s ensemble reminded me of.

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You’re welcome.

Adam asks Rachel if she see’s herself falling in love with him and she’s like “duh, you’re still here aren’t you?”  No, not duh, Rachel.  This man has had very little one-on-one time, he’s delusional enough to believe you all are getting married, you shouldn’t be.  Rachel reminds Adam of when he said a PART of him was falling for her, whenever the hell they last met, huge emphasis on part.

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Rachel, I am so over you picking certain phrasing apart and making these guys pour out their hearts before you dump them.  First it was poor Fred, the Will, now Adam? This poor fool is falling in love with you and you’re bothered that he said PART of him is, as opposed to Peter who said he thought about leaving and might not want to propose at the end.

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I would honestly be bothered that this man was infatuated with me after spending no time together.  Rachel just needs him to make it seem super believable because the producers want her to convince us she’s actually torn here.  It’s almost as bad as Ben.

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Almost.

Back to Eric, who tells us this is the first time he’s ever brought a girl home.  Red flag for Rachel, shocker. Eric explains that his home was rough, the men in his family all having problems with the law.  He had to deal with death, drugs and living in a world very different from one most of us know.  Eric may not be the most eloquent or the best speller, but he is growing on me more and more.  Rachel though is still sitting on the fact that he never brought a girl home.  OF COURSE HE HASN’T, HE JUST TOLD YOU HE’S NEVER EVEN SEEN HIS PARENTS TOGETHER.

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I’m not sure if the “not bringing a girl home” crisis was more producers needing to make this an actual choice between Adam and Eric, but I am over it.  I know it’s her show, she can do whatever she wants, but I am done listening to this.  Rachel eliminates Adam and she doesn’t cry nearly as much as she did with Matt.

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On the preview of “coming up on the Bachelorette” is a shit storm of crazy.  BS Bryan gets called out, Dean shows us what eccentric means, Eric and Rachel freak out and Peter cries to his mommy.

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See you next week…if I decide to do a recap.

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