Dear lord, fix it.

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No, not Jesus. I need Andy Cohen to fix it. This is the best these fools could come up with? God, I hate that I am going to force myself to pick a favorite, because none of these deserve any recognition. It was torturous to read this.

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I still have high-ish hopes for the season, but you all really are testing me with these tag lines. I assumed you all paid people to help you, it seems the OC is a little tight on money this year or just think they are funnier than they really are.

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Let’s begin….

7) Lydia: If you can’t take my sparkle then stay off my rainbow.

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LAST. I’m not even going to put the actual new girl last, this made me gag. I was not thrilled with the idea of you returning, but this shit makes me ashamed that I even watch this show.

I hope your mom adds a little flavor to this season because I know your sparkle is going to ruin everything.

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Seriously, I think you were on acid when you wrote this.

6) Megan King Edmonds: I can handle a baby and women who act like one.

Yep, still not the new girl. Look, we get it, you’re a mom now. And, not surprisingly, you just couldn’t leave the baby out of it. You just had to remind us that you gave birth and you were really good at it right away, before the season even started.

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I’m actually a fan of Megan (sometimes) and I acknowledge that her entire story line will surround her baby and her candle shop, but I’m not going to pretend I’m happy about it.

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5) Vicki: I go big or go home and I’m not going home.

You all screwed up so badly that I still haven’t mentioned the new girl’s stupid tag line. Aren’t you the OG of the OC, Vicki?? Shouldn’t you be number one or two every season?? You could haven mentioned “Whoopin” or cancer and that would have been more acceptable than this.

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Then again, maybe not.  You really should be ashamed though.  The season hasn’t even started yet and you’re already pissing people off.

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4)Peggy: I’m living the American dream, one sports car at a time.

Everyone really had to screw the pooch for you to make it this far, but here you are, middle of the pack. And you mentioned the only thing that we could gleam from your Instagram, you like cars.

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So boring.

Peggy also looks like she is rocking a mullet or has put a bump it in, cant wait to see this woman’s closet, I feel like we are going to be looking into a time wharp, circa 2003.

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Sorry not sorry. Good luck, sweetheart.

3) Shannon: The truth is organic, but lies are just artificial.

I just need you to know that you are third only by default, Shannon. And because I love you.

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I mean, how can you not love her?

But back to the tag line.  First, I do not understand the need for the word “just” in this tag line. It seems like there most be a word requirement and she only just hit it.

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Also, organic, artificial, all things that are cliche and not what I think of when I think Shannon.  Honestly, did she steal Heather’s tag line when she was fired left?

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To be determined.

2) Kelly: If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
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Kelly’s tagline had be the closest to loling out of all these idiots, but only because it reminded me of Ramona Singers tag line from this season, “I’m an acquired taste, if you don’t like me acquire so taste”.  It doesn’t seem that original.

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The only reason Kelly is not first is because I expected a corny joke to be her tag line.  Wasted opportunity, Kelly.

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1) Tamara: I’m pintsized, baptized and highly prized. 

Totally by default here.  Tamara had the decency to rhyme, landing her first place.  If anyone else had stepped up their game, I would have found this tag line obnoxious and stupid, but instead I find it acceptable.

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Well done, Tamara.  You receive the award for best alumni tag line, but know I give it to you begrudgingly.

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It needed to be said.  All of you failed the fans this season.  Fingers crossed your arguments are more clever than your tag lines, but I’m not holding out much hope after what was seen here today.