Recap The Bachelor the bachelorette Uncategorized

The Bachelorette Ep5: Snake It Off, Snake It Off

It’s Wednesday and I am just now attempting to write this. Attempting being the key word, let’s see how far I get before hate myself for deciding to do this in the first place.  I really do not like this show anymore.


And yes, I am well aware I use that GIF in every post. Bite me.

Group Date #2 (from last week): Is It Over??

We are back in Hilton Head which didn’t need to be promoted like our usual Bachelor trip, but ABC is doing it up right for Rachel, probably because they still feel guilty for knowingly casting a racist to date her.

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Speaking of the racist, we are picking it right back up in the middle of the Kenny vs Lee fight that I don’t care about.  Lee sucks, Kenny is trying to destroy him and has just discovered the term snake, that’s the gist of this fight, but ABC has decided we are going to drag this out for more than three episodes.  Not only is it bad that you cast a racist, you have decided to make it your main story line.


One of those ideas.

Even Eric is over this fight and he hates Lee. They all know at this point that Peter is winning and they are now being made a mockery of.  The fight is actually not even worth mentioning and definitely not worth this season’s hundredth “TO BE CONTINUED”. I don’t know if I just chose to forget all that was said, if nothing was said or if it’s just Wednesday and I didn’t bother to watch this episode twice.  Southern Charm took priority once again.


All hail, King Andy.

We are forced get to see another Bryan and Rachel make out and she survives it once again.  I worry every time that he will purposefully accidentally snap her neck.  Rachel, on the other hand, is really just worried about her weave, which she revealed on twitter during the episode.


She is too good for all of us.

Bryan get’s the group date rose and Iggy looks shocked. Kenny takes this time to pity Lee’s parents who are watching this saying “damn, that’s our son”.


One-on-One: Jack Stone Might Be a Serial Killer

I forgot we have to sit through a Jack Stone one-on-one, I seriously don’t know how he got this date, but I sure know where it’s headed.

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ABC must have been as bored as us or just didn’t have much material to work with because this has to be the record for the least amount of time spent on a date.  Proving again that their priorities are out of wack and they just want to get back to the racism.

Jack and Rachel go dancing which proves to be almost as awkward as the two-on-one with Derek and Chase tangoing with JoJo.  The only reason it’s not as awkward is because ABC shows very little footage of this date. Jack see’s the chemistry with Rachel but it is written on Rachel’s face that she would rather be on a date with DeMario, rather than here.

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That GIF is the epitome of this date.

Jack Stone goes in for the kiss and Rachel tries to stop him saying she is sick and doesn’t want to get him sick.


Girl, you made out with everyone on the date last night, just tell Jack Stone the truth, you are not interested AT ALL IN THIS DATE.

We head to dinner (how did she let it get this far?) and Rachel asks what Jack Stone would want to do with her outside of this show.  Jack says he would just want to “lock the door and lay in bed and talk”.


Rachel tells the producers that does not sound fun to her. Of course it doesn’t sound fun, he wants to kill you and wear you around his house, girl.  Rachel then picks up the rose to tease poor Jack and does not give it to him.  I hope it’s a requirement that they have to flash this rose in their face before they reject them, she is 0 for 2 on teasing her prey before she eats them.

Rose Ceremony #1: Snake it Off, Snake it Off

During Jack and Rachel’s date (if that’s what we are going to call it) the men are chatting back at the house and Will is trying to get Lee to see Kenny’s side.  Will seems to be the mediator Iggy has always dreamed of being and tells Lee that calling a black man “aggressive” is overused and comes off wrong to a lot of the men in the house.  Lee finally understands and says Kenny is playing the race card.


Will tells the camera man it’s not Lee’s fault, he doesn’t mean to be an ignorant, racist pig…I took some liberties there, but that’s definitely what he was thinking.

When it comes time for the Cocktail Hour, Rachel decides to cancel.  I want to be happy, since it usually is a waste of everyone’s time, but I know that they just want to show us Lee is staying and racism=ratings.  I really do hate myself for watching. Kenny and Lee stand by each other in the Rose Ceremony, the heavy handedness of these producers is out of control.

Side Note: I am not always a fan of Cocktail Hours, but Rachel’s thigh high slit dress deserved a Cocktail Party.

Iggy wants the drama gone from the house, doesn’t realize yet that he tends to stir the pot it seems.  It comes down to Iggy, Lee and Tickle Monster.  Everyone has to know that the Lee vs Kenny drama is going to outweigh Iggy’s pot stirring and the tickling, but Iggy genuinely seems shocked when Lee get’s the rose.  I like how long we had to listen to the foreboding music before Rachel said Lee, like they haven’t been promoting a two-on-one with Lee and Kenny all week.


I’d like to address quickly that I am on Kenny’s side here, but he is making it very difficult with his snake dancing during the Rose Ceremony and his overuse of the word snake.  Seriously, do better, you sound like Rachel saying “deeper” and “my girls”.

Tickle Monster gives a final tickle, Iggy cries because he now see’s how talking about other men ruined his chance (obviously never watched the show) and everyone get’s excited for heading to Norway.

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One-on-one #2 (#1?): I Don’t Find Bryan Attractive

It’s true.  I know it may be an unpopular opinion, but I do not think Bryan is that cute.  The only times I have thought he was cute was when I was watching Alex, who I now realize is not Bryan.

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Why couldn’t she have liked Alex??

Rachel and Bryan go propelling (I seriously cannot remember what this is called, I can never write recaps two days later again) and both are confident in the beginning, but most likely wet their pants.  Bryan gets the hang of things quickly though and forces Rachel to make out with him while they are on the way down.


Seriously, I can’t watch them kiss anymore.  Sadly, they land on the ground and proceed to make out.

During the evening portion, Rachel again questions Bryan being too smooth and too perfect and a fairy tale.  I don’t know what fairy tales involving choking she’s been reading, but someone should tell her 50 Shades of Grey isn’t a children’s book.


Rachel is concerned why he is still single at 37-years-old and I think that is a fair question, which we unfortunately will not get an answer to.  Instead we talk about how both Bryan and Rachel were awkward until their junior year of high school, were late bloomers, but then had everyone in love with them.  I want everyone to know that a late bloomer is not a 17-year-old finally hitting their stride.  It’s those of us who are 25 and still have adult acne and don’t know how to contour like Kim K. Rachel and Bryan are just trying to sound relatable and are failing.


Bryan says he is falling in love with Rachel and, even though it was a few days ago, I do remember almost vomiting up my 4+ margaritas because I dislike him so much.

Group Date #1 (from tonight): Three Hours in a Jacuzzi Does Not Earn You a Rose

Back at the house, the men have received the Group Date card and, SHOCKER, not one but two names are missing! I mean, why are we all still pretending that this was a surprise?? I know we hate Lee, but he has the decency to not be fake and pretend he didn’t see this coming.

Eric and Anthony (who) have a quick chat and Eric points out that she has had five one-on-ones, and only one has been with a black guy.  I find this to be fascinating as well, Eric, but let’s remember that the Jack Stone date was just Rachel finding a way to get rid of him so he doesn’t count.  Anthony, the only black man to get a one-on-one date on this show (maybe in the history of this entire show) doesn’t think Rachel is picking people based on race and I agree. That’s the producers’ job!


This. GIF. Will. Never. Get. Old.

The group date, once again, revolves around athleticism. So Eric shouldn’t be concerned about race, but should be concerned about his lack of athleticism, Rachel puts a lot of weigh in that and spelling (which he also failed at).

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Will is the stand out star of this game, proving that we have wasted another season not getting to know some of the better men, because we spend time on RACISTS. Calling for it now, Will needs to be the next Bachelor.

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During a Norwegian game of hand ball, Josiah feels that not letting Rachel score is the way to her heart.  I feel like Rachel appreciates that you aren’t going easy on her, but she shot that think 10 times, give her one! Peter takes the opportunity of Josiah ruining this game for Rachel to pick her up and spin her around and “grabbed some ass.”, according to Josiah.

During all of this, we spot Dean running back and forth, who has probably never played a sport in his life since he wore his jock strap outside his pants. That or he has not need for protection down there…..


I refuse to believe Dean is anything less than perfect, but I felt that needed to be said.

During the evening portion, Will get’s the first alone time of Rachel and they discuss his broken heart happening right around the same time as her break up with Nick (which no one wants to remember).  Will says he struggled for a while….you mean the three weeks between your break up and filming?


Josiah’s alone time is extremely awkward with Rachel calling him out for never asking about her, but just talking about himself and his obsession with her.  He totally sees where she is coming from and continues talking about her beauty.  Rachel tells the producers Josiah is in love with the idea of her and hasn’t gotten to know her. Bye bye, Josiah.

Next is Peter, who has meaningful conversations with Rachel and is nice to look at and they use their time to take in the views of Norway.  He is excited to be in Norway and even points it out to the camera man saying about the view that he’s  “sure everyone has pointed this out, but it’s insane”.  Bachelor Nation then realizes there is a view other than Peter.

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I can’t say too much about Peter, my boyfriend helps edit my recaps and last week said he was a little concerned about my obsession.

Rachel and Peter kiss for a bit, he is the one to pull back saying he wants to keep kissing her (if you missed that they you are skipping GIFs, shame on you), but it seems like he wants to chat.  Rachel then suggests they take this to the hot tub…

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I mean, a) didn’t know she brought a bathing suit everywhere and b) how did they make out in a hottub for hours and none of the men came looking? I mean, I know Bachelor Nation knows Peter is a front runner, but it seems the men know too and not even bother to interrupt them.  When Peter finally returns, the men ask where he’s been for the last three hours….


THREE HOURS? How is that allowed on this show?? It becomes very obvious though that when Rachel returns, Peter expects the rose meaning he isn’t getting it.  It goes to Will.  While I am exciting Will will be around another week, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she hooked up with Peter for three hours in a Jacuzzi and that doesn’t justify a rose.

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Two-on-One: My Anaconda Don’t Want None

It’s time to get ready for the two-on-one date also know as Producers’ Choice (yes, I know, they are all producers’ choice).  The two-on-ones are only for drama, never in the history of this show does either contestant go further than the top four.  These people don’t matter, and the Bachelor/Bachelorette isn’t even interested in them enough to get them to the Fantasy Suites.

To prepare for the date, Lee goes to the gym, which may sound normal, but he works out in jeans and cowboy boots.

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Kenny the Pitbull Snake Charmer King decides to face time his daughter and cry.  This is so sweet, but shouldn’t you cry when you aren’t on the phone with your 10-year-old? Try and pretend like you aren’t being tortured and kept against your will.

Rachel tells us today’s two-on-one is “for clarity”.  I don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet, but I got to watch this week’s episode with my mom who was also several margaritas deep and when Rachel said this, she screamed at the tv “Clarity??? It’s not for clarity, IT’S FOR RATINGS”.  I have raised her well.

Lee and Kenny get to ride in a helicopter (I have them both on my fantasy team so points for me!) and they ride to a remote destination, perfect for murdering someone or for the typical two-on-one.


Rachel is in a parka and gloves (with her rings on the outside) while Lee and Kenny obviously didn’t get the memo on packing for all types of weather.  Or they just didn’t think they’d make it to the international stage of this journey, which seems probable.

Rachel pulls Kenny aside first and you can tell that he would rather bite off his tongue than talk about Lee…jk, he can’t help himself and brings the convo back to Lee.  Rachel is grateful though to have Kenny’s insight on what went down and feels she should side with Kenny.

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Kenny heads back to sit with Lee while Rachel disappears (goes to find a secluded tree to relieve herself) and we sit in awkward silence for as long as Kenny can contain himself.  I hate to give Lee points here, but he knows how to wait out Kenny, who says how great this location is and nice it is to “become one with nature”.  Kenny is trying to sound deeper than he is.

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It’s Lee’s turn to chat and he has no trouble talking about Kenny, who is still aggressive in his mind, has told Lee he has a dark side when he drinks and pulled him from the van once.

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First, WHAT VAN? Second, that’s a bold face lie, you snake…damn didn’t mean to say snake…damn said it again.  I understand why it’s so hard for Kenny now.  Anyway, this man just created a whole knew story line in his head, and for the first time in probably three episodes I am shocked.

Rachel then pulls Kenny aside to discuss what she has been told and, not surprisingly, Kenny is flabbergasted.  He also tells Rachel that the van story is a lie (duh) and he is not a violent person….You aren’t violent but you are a professional wrestler?

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Kenny then leaves Rachel to confirm with production ponder her thoughts and goes down the mountain to talk to Lee.  But it seems Kenny has lost his mind and just laughs like a crazy man and talks to himself on the way there.

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Shocker, we end with a “TO BE CONTINUED”.  Dear ABC, it loses it’s effect when you do a “TO BE CONTINUED” every week, and you don’t continue into anything remotely interesting.  I’d say do better, but I don’t think you care what I think so I wont waste my breath.  And yes, I realize writing this recap was wasting my breath, I just cant seem to help myself.

Until next time, Bachelor Nation, aka the episode I missed on Tuesday because the Cubs game was on and ABC played that instead.  I wasn’t watching anyway, but don’t the Cubs already have enough screen time?

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No, I don’t even think they won. Waste. Of. Time.


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