It’s been two weeks since we last gathered to worship Rachel and Peter and watch these other fools fight for a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.  And while you’d think not much could happen, you’d be wrong.

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Since we last met, a hurricane called DeRinne landed in Paradise and has destroyed the entire season in one night.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, try googling it.  I don’t even know what happened, no one does, and that’s a story for another post (which I’ve already done and your rude not to have noticed).

Now, on to the main event! Week four of this show and we’ve had two weeks to forget there was even a “TO BE CONTINUED”. I’m not even sure where we left off so I am just going to jump right in and hope somethings sticks.

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It takes me a few minutes, but the pieces begin to fall into place and I remember that Eric’s name has been in Lee’s mouth and Iggy is hosting therapy sessions free of charge. While I remember being annoyed with Eric last episode, I also know Lee is a racist and enjoys instigating fights so I’ll ignore Eric’s obnoxiousness…for now.  The real stand out of this fight is Dean, who decides to use his camera time to insinuate that Lee is a racist.  When he does, the producer has the audacity to ask for him to explain his comments, but Dean holds strong and says “you know exactly what I mean”.

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Um, yeah they do.  These contestants get like 30 psychological examinations and background checks on them before going on this show, you know these producers found Lee’s racist tweets and thought he would make an excellent addition to the cast vying to date the first black Bachelorette.

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News flash, ABC, Lee is a racist and a pig, not a story line.

Alas, ABC loves anything controversial now and allows Lee to move on to his next victim, Kenny.  Kenny the Pitbull King is sweet and kind (although he will also get on my nerves shortly) and Lee uses a pretend friendship to rile him up.  Kenny, of course, confronts Lee which Rachel can hear through the walls of this shoddy house while she’s talking to one of the men I have forgotten in this two week hiatus.  Another tip, ABC, skip an episode when we know more than just one man’s name.  The Bachelor franchise is my career job unpaid hobby and even I don’t know half these men.

Rachel then proceeds to go talk to her producer and we break through the fourth wall (is that the expression?) for the second time tonight with Rachel crying to the crew that they don’t understand the pressure she is under and someone responding.  Rachel says that being the first black Bachelorette has come with a lot of pressure (I’m sure it has) and that she already knows what people will say regarding what she’s about to do…

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I’m honestly not sure what that means, but I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess production has told Rachel that Lee is a racist, but she has to keep him another week for ratings.

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Still probably the best GIF ever.

Rose Ceremony 

Chris Harrison appears for the 100th time this season, proving once again he is in love with Rachel and will do anything for her.  Let’s remember that Bachelor in Paradise is still happening at this point and all he usually cares about is getting to Mexico.  He see’s Rachel crying and says he can facilitate anything she wants, which a) sounds like a come on and b) would make me ask for something like Copper, wine, for Chris to do the Rose Ceremony by himself….but no, it seems the request was just for Chris to informs the gentleman that the Rose Ceremony will be happening immediately.  I’m not sure what episode you are watching, Chris, but this Cocktail Hour and Rose Ceremony has spanned across two episodes, there is nothing immediate about it.

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Diggy, sporting another fabulous tie and new set of (probably) Warby Parker glasses, states that he believes “Lee should be worried”. Kiss. Of. Death.  Oh well, I’m sure we will see more of Diggy as my sources have told me he is headed to Paradise. Wait….

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Dammit, there is no Paradise.

There doesn’t seem to be a lot of roses, but it becomes clear why Rachel thinks we will all be mad at her and it’s not racist Lee….she keeps Jack Stone and the Ticklemonster!  I know, I know, they are probably the most normal, nicest guys there, but I’m not here for nice, I’m here for sex appeal and petty gossip.  These men took the place of my Diggy and we didn’t even see one pair of shoes.

The guy who was talking to Rachel during the Lee and Kenny fight goes home, as well as Brady the male model.  While you would think I’d have nothing to say about him, you’d be wrong (again).  As you know, I write this recap into the wee hours of the morning and right now it is 11pm and I just finished watching Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen (probably the greatest news program of all time and deserving of at least an Emmy nomination).  Andy’s Mazel of the Day went to none other than Brady WHO IS A FREQUENT MODEL FOR WWHL!!!!!

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No joke, that makes him much more attractive to me.

One-on-One #1: Dean is This Season’s Kristina

The men and Rachel head to Hilton Head and I am pumped, only because it reminds me that Southern Charm is also on tonight and will delay my recapping even further because I must watch Landon and Katherine reunite in Key West….but I digress.

The men do their signature “RACHEL” shout off a balcony and the first date card arrives…and it’s for Dean!  Dean has a megawatt smile and is the youngest of the men at 25-years-old.  All of the men imply that he is too young and probably not mature enough for Rachel, who one man points out is “almost 32”.

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Also, while being older than more than half of The Bachelor contestants means nothing nowadays, being older than any of the men on The Bachelorette contestants is a symbol of finally being too old to have your mom schedule your doctors appoints while you are in town next week.  Not that I know anyone who would do that…

Dean is super cute, but I must remind everyone of a conspiracy theory that I have recently brought to the blogs attention.  There are people out there who believe that Dean may actually be Jesse McCartney in disguise….just ponder that if you will.

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Dean and Rachel drive through some swampy looking dirt roads and arrive at an open field where Rachel announces they are going to have a picnic.  Dean’s response is less than enthused, but he still climbs on the hood of the Jeep to open a bottle of champagne (C.H.A.M.P.A.G.N.E.).  Dean notices a blimp floating by and Rachel tells a story about how she’s always been obsessed with blimps.  Dean is half listening because he’s concerned the blimp is coming for them.

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No shit, Sherlock.  As the blimp comes closer, you can see a sign announcing that their ride has arrived and Rachel loses her mind while Dean (possibly) wets his pants.  Rachel’s so excited she wastes half the champagne spilling it everywhere.  Dean reveals that he’s afraid of heights and had no idea they’d be going in a blimp today.  The date card literally says “let’s soar to new heights”….

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Once on the blimp, Rachel realizes Dean’s fear of heights is legit and proceeds to ask the pilot if she can drive.  I really think Dean would like to shove Rachel from the blimp rather than let him drive, but not only do they allow her too fly it, Dean also decides to give it a try, conquering his fears quicker than I expected.

While flying the blimp, all of the men hanging at the hotel, somehow can hear it flying by and rush to the balcony.  I’m sorry, but are blimps loud? I’ve never heard a blimp in my life, nice try, ABC.

The evening portion of the date is a prime example of good people who come on this show and why this show can be amazing.  Dean might be here for fame or for shits and giggles, but when he tells Rachel the story about his mom having cancer and his family all leaving him to deal with her death all by himself as a 15-year-old kid, my cold heart melted once again for this show.  You all give us Whaboom, you give us racists, you give us Chris Harrison, but then you give us moments of gut-wrenching pain and perseverance and I must say thank you for that.  Any man who implies that Dean isn’t mature after this can take a hike, he’s more mature than half the men in that house.

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But you wouldn’t be ABC if you didn’t ruin that nugget of goodness with an awkward dance sequence in the middle of a crowd, dancing to a country artist we all have never heard of and will never hear from again.  Couldn’t you at least have brought Luke back and let him have something?? You took the title of The Bachelor from him and you couldn’t even let him have this?

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Dean obviously get’s a rose and while I don’t know if I see them together, I do know one places he will definitely find love! Paradi…..

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Dammit.

Group Date #1: This Shit is Bananas, B.A.N.A.N.A.S.

Before we can delve into this massive date (seriously, I think 16 guys went, I didn’t even know that many were left) we need to find out who will be receiving the second one-on-one date.  For those who are not true fans know the men, but didn’t watch, I’m going to give you a minute to guess who the lucky bach is……nope not him. Nope not that one either. Nope. No. Not even close….okay, give up? Good, because none of you would ever have guessed JACK EFFING STONE.

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Again, I’m sure he is a very nice man with a very aggressive dentist, but he still is not a contender here and therefore the date is a waste and a filler.  Lee decides to remind Jack Stone repeatedly that he should be very nervous, showing us that, while Lee is definitely a racist, his low blows are not limited to just the black men on the show.

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I’m not going to list off the men on the group date because that would take the rest of my evening.  Just know that anyone with a massive ego was on this trip and it wasn’t enjoyable for anyone other than a bunch of know-it-all twelve-year-olds.  We’ll get to them.

We start on a boat to see the island, but all we end up seeing is Josiah peacocking back and forth across the deck.  Kenny also joins in, trying to upstage him, all while Peter has taken Rachel aside to recreate the scene from Titanic.

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No, no, not that scene.  I need no more proof Jack could have fit on that door if Rose wasn’t such a diva.  It was the I’m flying scene and, while it was super corny, I can’t say I hated it.

The men proceed to dance for Rachel’s drunken affections, at one point throwing Mr. Tickles in the middle and chanting “go tickle, go tickle, go tickle”….

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These are the moments where I judge myself for watching this show.

Next, Kenny decides that he needs to “rap” aka kind of rhyme.  I really don’t remember what his rap entailed, but he tried his best and at least it’s over…NOT. Now PETER is inspired and feels like he should rap.  While I usually support anything Peter does, I cannot defend him rapping in a J. Crew polo and choosing to talk about Rachel being “from the hood” to end his song and dance.

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Low point, Peter.  Low point.

Next, the men pull up to a crowd of people (always a good sign) and Chris Harrison (never a good sign).  Chris announces that we will be having a Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee, which makes no senses because they are the contestants, we are Bachelor Nation, but I will allow it because the look on these men’s faces trying to read the sign is worth everything.

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This evenings hosts for the spelling bee (because Chris Harrison just wants to be shady and not actually do his job) are three obnoxious 12-year-old girls who are giving so much attitude, you’d think they were auditioning for Mean Girls 2 rather than being forced by their parents to go outside and socialize with people rather than books.

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Okay, okay, girl power. Stay in school, kids.

I’d like to say before we begin that while I enjoy most of them making a fool of themselves and not knowing how to spell, I would have failed this challenge myself.  And I think words like your vs you’re and their vs there would have been much more telling than coitus, which I probably didn’t even spell right.

Now, in a shocking turn of evens, the resident geniuses Will and Anthony do not win this challenge, but Josiah who, IMHO, got extremely easy words.  Most everyone’s words were a little tricky, but the obvious loser was Eric, who spelled facade p…h…y….s….d….e and you best believe those were 12-year-olds digging their bells to shut him up.  I will say, as someone who spells everything phonetically, I now assume every word is an “outlaw” as my mom would call them, and probably would have spelled it the same way.  I’d ask you to call me, Eric, but as a society we should have idiots not date idiots.  Good luck.

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Side Note: I should point out that if I scroll through this post right now about 50 words are underlined with that evil red squiggle and even after editing I still wont catch them.  Just felt I should be honest.

Josiah is awarded a trophy which he proceeds to call a goblet for the rest of the evening, proving he might be able to spell, but he definitely doesn’t know what he’s talking about. For the rest of the date he proceeds to talk about his vocabulary and how articulate he is. Reminds me of someone….

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Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Next is the evening portion of the date and that means time to sit and stir the pot….cue Iggy!  Iggy has now developed a pattern this season of feeling someone is “not here for the right reasons” and being “protective over Rachel” so he has to tell her.  I feel blessed that I have Iggy om my Fantasy Team because his gossiping is earning me oodles of points after DeMario failed me.  Iggy for Paradi……

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Dammit.

Iggy has watched Josiah drink from his goblet/trophy all evening and he now has the itch to talk to Rachel.  While I agree with Iggy that Josiah is an ass hat and needs to go (my words, not his), his approach always leaves a little to be desired.  Like a closing statement.

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That would work.

While Twitter seemed to be pissed at Iggy’s gossiping, Rachel is loving it and will keep him around as long as possible because of it.  Iggy leaves his time with Rachel and before he can even get back to the men, his guilty conscience is in full force.  He pretty much sits on Josiah’s lap and interrupts him so he can tell him that Rachel asked about Josiah and Iggy was forced to tell her the truth.

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Not how it happened, Iggy.

While the men are yelling at Iggy who decided to use his time to talk about Josiah and not Lee, Mr. Racist has gone to tell Rachel how Kenny was aggressive towards him last week and screamed in his face.  I know these men are constantly drinking, but there are a lot of ALT facts floating around here.  Rachel is concerned too and proceeds to ask Kenny why he was aggressive towards Lee.

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Girl, how can you believe Lee?? What is this show paying her to play dumb?  Kenny is equally confused and his only defense is that Lee lies, which I would have found plausible, but Rachel has moved on to Bryan the aggressive kisser and doesn’t care how much this is killing Kenny inside.

Kenny goes in search of Lee who, shockingly, is antagonizing fresh meat, saying to Peter that he could tell everyone something he doesn’t like about him too, he just chooses not to.

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Name one bad thing about Peter, GIVE ME ONE BAD THING, LEE, I DARE YOU.

Kenny pulls Lee outside and I look at the clock and realize that, not only will I get no Rose Ceremony, I will get no date with Jack Stone (so sad) and no fight.  All I get is a “TO BE CONTINUED” and the news that next week is the double episode week, not tomorrow. I must apologize to all my coworkers that treat me like Reality Steve and come to my desk for the gossip and TV schedule and I told them there was another episode tomorrow.  I have failed you.

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They were kind enough to leave us with the first good blooper of the season during the credits, where Josiah explains that he is calling the trophy a goblet because he’s pretending to be King Joffrey from Game of Thrones.  Someone is just as excited as me for the return of Jon Snow, but it is concerning that he would choose to impersonate egotistical, sociopath Joffrey.

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If the shoe fits….

And in the short time it took me to write this, somehow, BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK.

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Recap of that hot mess to follow.