….LET’S CONTINUE.

No, they didn’t intro in like that, but they should have. I’m still not pleased with ABC’s decision to do a “TO BE CONTINUED” this early in the season, but I’m going to get over it, forgive and forget. I’m not surprised, just disappointed.

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Side note, I’m also disappointed in this episode after last week’s, I’ll try and make it enjoyable.  So where did we leave off?  Well, DeMario is at the gates of the mansion pining for Rachel and the men are storming to the front line to protect their princess.

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What these men seem to keep forgetting is this princess needs no knight in shining armor. She’s got a law degree, is classy but sassy and has a cute dog.

We come back to the men running outside to watch DeMario beg.  They are stopped a few yards away from the meeting point by security and one of them has the nerve to speak to Chris Harrison and asks “what’s going on?”

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Security asks the men to step back from the exchange and while you may think they are trying to give Rachel and DeMario privacy, I really think they are backing the men away from Chris Harrison.

DeMario’s speech consists of him agreeing he screwed up with the Lexi situation (her name is Scrunchy) and that he wants a second chance.  He also recites one of his favorite quotes, “in order to experience joy, you must feel pain”….

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Seriously? All this time and this is what you came up with? He continues on saying that he feels they have a connection and his entire life has changed since meeting her. On the way here he even told his “driver” he was meeting the woman of his dreams.

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Either admit you took an Uber or admit production called you a car and orchestrated this entire thing.

Rachel shuts he’s publicity stunt proclamation of love down real quick.  She says she gave him “chance after chance after chance” which she has said before, making me think they were in that gym with Scrunchy way longer than we can even imagine.  She tells DeMario that she’s happy he’s learning, but she needs a man who, when presented with a difficult situation, won’t lie.

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She says what she saw in the gym yesterday, that was a boy.

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And she is happy he wants to move forward and has learned from his mistakes, but forward isn’t into the mansion, forward is outside of it. She liked the quote about the joy and the pain and she hopes the pain from this brings him joy somewhere else.

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She says thank you, walks back to the men who haven’t had a girlfriend revealed yet and moved on with her life. When the men ask her if DeMario’s coming back, she says “fuck no”.

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SHE IS A QUEEN. See you in Paradise, DeMario.

Back in the house, the men are praising Rachel and are hopefully now a little afraid of her. She goes back to the cocktail hour where Mr. Tickle Monster is wearing massive hands.  Alex does a rubik’s cube while talking to Rachel which totally screams I’m paying attention.  Kenny has more pictures of his little girl and it’s super sweet but I feel like I know his daughter more than Kenny. And Will…wait, who is Will? Well, Will is hot and gets a kiss and even though I don’t know him, I support him.

Then we hear “Whaboommmmmmmm”.  Seriously, every time I hear that and see him, I pretend like it’s the first time because I block it all out.  Whaboom brings up that he knows Blake has been saying things and he thinks Blake has a crush on him. I think that’s actually a definite possibility, Lucas. His evidence of this supposed crush is that the other night Blake was standing over Lucas’ bed while he slept, eating a banana and watching him.

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Rachel’s response, besides questioning if this is a joke or not, is “did he finish the banana?”

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Rachel then goes to talk to Blake.  He luckily has a solid defense for these accusations and informs Rachel he does not eat carbs so therefore could not have been eating a banana.  Are Banana’s a carb?

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PS. Blake, you just bought yourself a ticket home, ass hat.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony and it seems we’ve casted some new faces in the last week.  Who is Bryce? Who is Eric? Who is Brady? WHO IS ANTHONY?

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Seriously who are you all?  And to the camera men, stop giving Diggy more camera time, I’m going to start crying if this is foreshadowing of him and his glasses going home.  In the end, some random man goes home along with…..BLAKE AND WHABOOM.

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Seriously, this is the only time in the history of this show that our prayers have been answered and the true idiots go home.  I will not give ABC credit, I know it was all Rachel. Blake takes his camera time to announce he doesn’t like to get beat which shows how pure his intentions are. Blake decides to be more pissed about going home the same night as Whaboom.  Lucas’ response to rejection? “It’s a sad day in Paradise” implying he wants to go to Paradise.  Not happening sir.

We then have a few last words on the driveway and Lucas and Blake start talking louder and louder to make sure the other hears.  Blake then reveals they live in the same town….so you are telling me these two live in the same town, they dated the same girl and she lives with one of them and you want us to believe they did not plan this stupid fight in hopes of getting more airtime?

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I refuse to recap anymore of their stupid fight, it was an insult to the people who loyally (and stupidly) watch this show year after year. Try a little harder next time, ABC.

Group Date #1: Sloppy Fourths, Fifths and Sixths 

It’s obviously the A Team Group Date + Tickle Monster and they are going to meet Ellen! I mean, how did we get Ashton, Mila and Ellen this season? Ellen reveals to Rachel that the men aren’t here to watch the show they’re here to be on it.

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Before the men come out, Rachel reveals that she has been kissed already, but she talks about it in the singular.  Peter and Bryan are peacocking back stage thinking she’s talking about them, not realizing she has kissed both of them + Will and Dean.  Jonathon (Tickle Monster) was surprised to hear that someone has already kissed her, but assumes it’s just a kiss on the check…which he also hasn’t received.

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When the men are brought out, Ellen asks them what they think about the fact that Rachel has kissed someone.  Jonathon asks when his turn is (never) and Bryan FORCEFULLY grabs the mic from Ellen and says it was a good kiss.

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Shady, sir. Shady.  Peter, not wanting to be upstaged, chimes in that he also got a kiss which causes Bryan to FORCEFULLY grab the mic again and says Peter got his sloppy seconds….poor choice of words sir, you’re trying to date this girl dumb ass, or at least appear to date her.  Also, have we noticed Bryan does everything FORCEFULLY?

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That kiss makes my neck hurt just watching.

Next, to the surprise of no one, Ellen would like the men to take their shirts off and dance with the audience members.  Not only do they dance with them, they dance on them.  Bryan (who is quickly being added to my shit list)  enjoys it a little too much.

We then get to play Never Have I Ever with Rachel and one of the most interesting questions is “never have I ever thought about having sex with Rachel?” and Peter and Alex have not. Either you’re lying or something is wrong.  Peter, you have danced with her, sprent an entire day with her and it never crossed your mind?

Fred reveals that he met Rachel previously and Rachel takes this opportunity to, again, mention he was a bad kid.  This really bothers Fred, because he just wants to have a chance with her and have her see him as a man.  He has dreamt about her for years and she has come apart of his soul….these are his words, not mine.

We leave Ellen to visit our first beautifully decorated warehouse of the season. First we talk to Alex who reveals that Rachel looks left eye to left eye every time they talk, which means she is connecting emotionally with him.  I’m not sure if this is just bullshit, but I’m just happy we aren’t discussing the 5 Love Languages again.

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Alex gets kiss number four and then we rush through Bryan (who she kisses), Will (who she kisses) and Peter (who she kisses). I am all for her getting her smooching on, but she does brush her teeth in between each of these, right?

She then sits with Fred who is trying to become a man before her eyes.  He discusses how he wants to connect with her, how he wants to kiss her, but how he wants it to be natural….and then he asks if she feels this is the natural time to kiss her?

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Look, I know it’s nice that he asked permission instead of FORCEFULLY grabbing her face, but it does kill the mood. Rachel is just as shocked as all of us and he takes that as a sign to move forward.  I don’t know if it’s because she keeps talking about Fredrick the little boy or because he thinks he’s in love, but the kiss is hard to watch.  Fredrick feels that it went really well.

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It’s time to give out the rose for the evening and Rachel asks if she can talk to Freddy.  This girl takes the rose with her, signaling she is going to give it to him, when we all know that is not happening.

Rachel tells Fred that she isn’t feeling the connection and I am pleased to say Fred does not cry.  He does get into the car and say that when he kissed her, he could see himself in a tux and see their wedding day.  I’m pretty sure Rachel (and the world) were picturing Peter during your kiss.

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Rachel gives the rose to Alex, most likely because he’s been newly added to her kissed list.

One-on-One Date: Big Mistake. Big. Huge.

Sometime during Rachel kissing everyone and sending Fredrick home, the one-on-one date card has been delivered and it’s….ANTHONY? WHO IS THIS MAN? Seriously, I feel like I’d remember a man with both ears pierced, I do not.  The date card said “Meet Me at the Rodeo” and Anthony finds Rachel on a horse on Rodeo Drive.

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Rachel says that this is a Beverly Hills tradition.  No, it’s not. This is the first moment I’ve questioned Rachel’s intelligence.  They then have the audacity to take the horses into the stores, which Anthony is surprised to find is a thing on Rodeo Drive. It’s not. THIS IS NOT A THING.  Seriously, who at ABC thought to say Rodeo Drive a million times and they didn’t think it should be something involving Pretty Woman?

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They stop and get cupcakes and there is something that says horse cupcakes….IS THIS A THING? Did I just call Rachel stupid but this is actually a thing? I refuse to believe people take their horse into these stores and allow them to shit all over it just like Ted the Horse just did.

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If you do not know what move this is, shame on you. Be gone.

Thankfully, the day portion ends and we go do something romantic on a hill looking over the city.  Anthony seems like a very nice man and they have a good connection, but there is too much drama at the house and Anthony is too normal to stay on him for long. They dance, they kiss, it is over.

Group Date #2: I Love You, Man

Back at the house, the group date card has arrived and I stupidly assume that after opening it we are going to move on to the date portion.

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Not the case.  Meet Eric, a personal trainer who needs some validation and a slap in the face.  Since the shit shows are gone, the camera men can dedicate more time to Eric loosing his mind.  Eric tells us he is happy to be on the group date, but wants her to validate him being here.

He yaps on and on for hours and then says he gets the impression of a facade with Rachel, forcing Iggy to step up and chime in.  I appreciated Iggy jumping in to defend Rachel and shut this loser up, but it ends up being a yelling match and is difficult to understand so I’m not going to try.

Now it’s time for the actual date and Corinne, Raven, Jasmine and Alexis show up!  I like how dedicated ABC is to letting these women make connections with the men headed to Paradise ahead of time.

On the bus, Raven asks Bryce (who?) and Lee if they think anyone is not here for the right reason and they both mention Eric. Raven is concerned because Rachel told the ladies that she is most excited about Eric on this date. You’ve hung out with him like once, Rachel… this really is the B Team.

Rachel’s “girls” planned the date today and they take the men….mud wrestling. ABC, Kenny the PitBull King or whatever is a wrestler, you can’t convince me you didn’t have a hand in this date.

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The men strip down to some itty bitty swim trucks and are paired up in heats.  Eric pleads to the camera man not to go against the professional wrestler, showing again what a whiney bitch he is albeit the most honest.  Kenny decides to use this and practice and proceeds to flip men upside down and throw them in the air. Through it all, Alexis wears a rain coat and sips champagne.

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In the final match, Rachel tells us it’s Bryce vs Kenny.  I’m glad someone can tell, with these men covered in mud I have no idea who anyone is and I never knew who Bryce was to begin with.  Bryce beats the wrestler which should be a storyline, but it seems no one cares. We quickly move on to Rachel asking opinions from her “girls” about the men.  They all still seem to want Dean to head to Paradise and Raven reveals what her sleuthing has uncovered. Through it all, Corinne doesn’t say a word and truly looks confused as to why she is there, proving what I thought, she never wanted to be here in the first place.

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It’s the evening portion of the date and first, Kenny reveals he was a Chippendales dancer in Vegas.  No one is surprised by this, but Kenny’s dancing was a nice treat. She then talks to Adam, Dean and Jack Stone all of whom seem to be unimportant to the edit team because their combined camera time is not even a minute long.

Next we are on to Eric who is “very sensitive” and is pretty much begging for her to propose right now. She likes, tells him she’s definitely feeling their chemistry  and also feels the need to tell him that two men questioned his motives in being here, Bryce and Lee.

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Yes, I used two Shannon gifs. Sue me (but really don’t).

Eric, being such a calm person, immediately confronts the men.  Bryce somehow manages to avoid getting in trouble with Eric, and it all is directed towards Lee.  Lee justifies his answer saying Eric has never been in love and that’s why he told Raven his motives weren’t pure.  I’m not sure how that falls under the “here for the wrong reasons” category, but anything to get Eric to go home is fine with me.

Lee says that Eric yelling at Iggy last night changed his perception of him, but he still loves him to death.  Seriously, he said “love ya to death” ten times, what are you trying to tell us, Lee?

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The group date rose goes to Eric.

Cocktail Hour(s): The Game of Telephone

Iggy steals Rachel away immediately to tell his side of the Eric story.  I really don’t know where these men get the idea that using their one-on-one time to talk about another man, but here we go again.  I guess Iggy handles it the best out of the hundreds before him, and tells Rachel how he feels about Eric.  He then goes and tells Eric exactly what he’s said.

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Iggy seems to handle this more like a performance review rather than a regular conversation and says Eric’s biggest opportunity for growth is listening more.

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Honestly, Eric seems to handle his conversation with Iggy well and would just like the men not to talk about him anymore.  After hugging it out he proceeds to call the first house meeting of the season!

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So exciting.  Eric asks why his name keeps getting brought up and thinks the men are threatened by him. Lee announces everyone is threatened by everyone which may be the most honest thing I’ve ever heard on this show.

Really, there is a lot of yelling at this point, I see the clock has two minutes left so I know ABC is doing another “TO BE CONTINUED” and I stop caring.  Seriously, you can’t do TWO back to back ABC, you just can’t.

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See you next week which is hopefully way more interesting than this horse shit and Rachel cries and Lee becomes our newest pot stirrer.

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