It’s about that time of year when cast members from previous seasons of  The Bachelor and Bachelorette start feeling irrelevant and they start grasping at straws to get back in the news.  This week’s straw?  Who is revealing they are going to Paradise, even though we already knew who was going to Paradise.

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First, Corinne.

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Yes, Corinne has revealed what we already know, she will be in Paradise looking for love in all the wrong places. She has been on a whirlwind of a promotional tour for herself and has maybe started her own company (not multi-million dollars though), the company being dumb apparel just like Kylie Jenner.

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You can watch her snap chat filled with “team corn” memorabilia that she randomly see’s people wearing.  No one cares the Corinne is officially coming to Paradise because we already new she couldn’t pass up this opportunity…all we really care about is if Raquel is coming and if you don’t know who that is, get the F out of here.

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Next is Robby, Joelle’s reject.  Robby also is someone who we should not be surprised about.  The only reason he didn’t go last year is because he made it too far in JoJo’s season to make it to whatever beach they are on in time.  Robby has been creating his own fashion line and living the insta fame dream since he left JoJo’s season “brokenhearted”.

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Next is Amanda.  Yes, Amanda who found love with well known douche bag, Josh Murray, in Paradise.  I’d bet everything I own (not much) that she repeatedly says she has seen how you can find love in Paradise, so she knows it can happen again.

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Yeah, no you are not.

$20 she finds “it” with Robby. She is going to be all over mister smooth talker, but regardless of who she picks, she will have no problem staying away from her kids for the entire season.  This is probably the last time she can leave them without them noticing she is gone.

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Sorry not sorry. Amanda, it’s over. Stop coming back, it’s really making me sad honestly.

Raven and Jasmine have also are rumored to be returning.  Raven is looking for another O.

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Jasmine is looking for someone to share her love of choking.

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Good ole DeMario will also be back and looking for love.  Yes, he has someone who is scary in love with him and believes they were betrothed and then got her 15 minutes of fame on Rachel’s season, but would you want to date her?

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Sorry, Scrunchy.

Back by popular demand (my demanding posts) is my girl Christen!

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I cannot wait to see how my princess reacts to observing everyone else’s drama and making none of her own and I can’t wait to see what the salt water does to her hair.

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Back, but not by popular demand, is Taylor.  I get it, production confirmed Corinne was coming and they want conflict, but isn’t Taylor supposedly better than all this? And she doesn’t drink, girlfriend is going to be pissy the entire time with these shit shows.

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Maybe the most shocking person to be joining Paradise is Lacey.

Exactly. It took a while for me to realize who Lacey is and then it dawned on me: she is the parasite that crawled up Corinne and Taylor’s assholes every other day, fighting for camera time. I guess have to bow to her dedication, but couldn’t they have brought Josphine or someone more entertaining.

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Also joining the faceless, Ben Zorn (no idea), Alex (fabulous), Derek (crier) and St. Nick. Dream team.

And finally, back because she is kind, she is smart, she is important. Back because she needs to learn the difference between a shark and a dolphin….

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It’s Alexis! People, I am sure this comes as no surprise but this brings me so much joy.  Alexis is my spirit animal and I don’t even care what spirit animal she is trying to be.

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Welcome to Paradise, sweetheart. To the rest of you, DO NOT ELIMINATE HER EARLY OR I WILL FIND YOU.  As for the others, we’ve got a Danielle or two, Whitney and Astrid (still wont know which is which), and some men from Rachel’s season who I wont reveal because they aren’t gone yet, but you really shouldn’t be shocked.  You are idiots if you had these men in your final four, no matter how cute they are.

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See you in August where these people pretend to find love and, SPOILER, Carly and Evan will most likely get married and we are all invited!

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Sadly, Liz has yet to be invited….fingers crossed.

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