I have said it once and I’ll say it again, if I worked only four days a week I would be such a better person.  Probably because it would give me an extra day to lay out and get a tan, which I also think will make me a nicer and better looking person….but enough about me, let’s get to the good stuff!! Men who are also only thinking about themselves!

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I came into this week not remembering who any of these people were and I wasn’t too excited.  Luckily, someone at ABC has realized we need more than just drama as an incentive and they brought back our favorite person in the entire Bachelor world…..COPPER! Yeah, I know he’s not technically a person, but dogs are people too, and he is Rachel’s support system.

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After we watch Copper run around on his three good legs, we head to the house for our annual balcony shot with all the men where they scream Rachel’s name, even though she is not there to witness it.

We go to the house for a bit to check up on the men.  It’s probably only been a few hours since the first Rose Ceremony, but they all look pretty well rested.  They’re guys though and it doesn’t take much, unlike the female contestants.

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Never forget.

Unfortunately for Bachelor Nation, we spend this time not getting reacquainted with Rachel’s men, but having to listen to Blake bitch about Lucas (you probably know him as Whaboom) and that he “knows the real Lucas and Lucas is garbage”.

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Group Date #1: Ashton and Mila are Going to Whaboom

Usually, these early group dates are hard to manage because there are too many faces and names, but for this date that didn’t matter because this was all about the group date’s hosts, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher.  OBSESSED.

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Yes, unbeknownst to me, Mila and Ashton are HUGE fans ever since people started saying he looked like Jared.  I had never heard this theory, but after comparing, I totally see the resemblance (you will have to google it yourself, I only have so many gif’s I can use before this thing crashes, that is not one of them).  According to them, Ashton sips a vodka tonic while Mila likes to pair the Bachelor with a white wine.

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Today’s date starts as a barbecue, but ends as one of the most brilliant competitions in Bachelor history.  Seriously, whoever invented this, you deserve a raise. The game’s goal is to find someone who is “husband material”.  The chances of finding anyone on this show who fits that description are low, but Mila and Ashton are not deterred. The men will have to carry their babies (they’re dolls) through a course consisting of diaper changes, baby bijorns, vacuuming, cleaning Rachel’s hair from a drain, doing the dishes and setting a table.

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Before we can start, Mila asks if everyone here has a job and has health insurance.  Sadly, not all the hands go for health care, but they do all go up for having a job….really, Whamboom and Ticklemonster?

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I wish part of the course had to be explaining their careers, but I can’t get everything I want.

To say I LOLed during this obstacle course is an understatement.  The men cleaning the diapers and putting on the baby bijorns was disturbing to say the least and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  That combined with Mila and Ashton rolling on the ground in fits of laughter?

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Somehow, the leader during the entire race is Whaboom, who is talented with cleaning up poop and manuvering a vacuum.  Unfortunately, if that had been he and Rachel’s baby, it would not have survived a day in his care, considering he dropped him once and also managed to submerge the bijorn and baby in the sink while he was doing the dishes.

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Kenny and Whaboom are the two finalists, both of them displaying some impressive table setting skills and have to race to pick up flowers for Rachel.  Unfortunately for the Kenny Pit Bull Killer Cat or whatever his ring name is, Whaboom’s skills are more impressive and he shoves him down while picking up the flowers and wins the prize.

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To no one’s surprise, Blake is not happy with Whaboom winning and proceeds to whine about him cheating and not completing all the obstacles.  Mila could give two shits and rewards Whaboom with his make shift medal.  Whaboom then asks to whaboom with Ashton.

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Ashton is all of us when he has to have Mila explain 20 times what Whaboom is, and still does not know. He does not Whaboom and we all fall deeper in love with Hollywood’s golden couple.

Before we leave Ashton and Mila, they leave us with some parting words.  Mila says “you never forget your first poop”, probably referring to changing a diaper. Ashton says “I’m going to make a bold prediction…and say Rachel’s husband is not in this group”.

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First date always consists of the B Team, he knows his stuff.

Mila then proceeds to scold Ashton and say it’s night two, you can’t know already.  Ashton says he knew the first time they met.

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Mila then promises someone is getting laid tonight, Ashton seems shocked.

Now we move on to the boring part of the date, and that’s not just because Ashton and Mila have left us (most likely to go whaboom).  These men are total duds and luckily Rachel feels it too.  Unlike most “winners”, Whaboom doesn’t get anything really special and just gets to talk to Rachel first.  His personality is almost creepy with how much he changes, he even reads her a poem he wrote.  As is par for the course, I covered my ears during this awkward part and have no idea what he said.  Until someone starts paying me for this, I refuse to memorize their conversations word for word…but I’ll do anything for a dollar.

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While Whaboom and Rachel are chatting, Blake is back with the guys getting something off his chest.

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I really do hate this show sometimes.  I KNOW you have watched this before Blake, you know how this goes for people.  Maybe you were smart and realized you’d have a chance at Paradise if you created drama right out the gate, but you are on my last nerve. Blake tells the men that he knows Lucas “from a…(long pause)…previous encounter”.

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PREVIOUS ENCOUNTER? YOU WERE ON A TV SHOW WITH HIM.  Blake, trying to seem genuine (and authentic?) is trying to cover up the fact that he went on TV looking for fame too and instead just sounds like Whaboom dressed drag once and Blake hit on him.

Seriously, “encounter” is such a strange word, Blake.  And it seems ABC decided not to cast all morons this season because the faces on the men are screaming bullshit just like I am right now.

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Now it’s time for Blake to share his “encounter” with Rachel because she totally cares.  You realize neither of you are front runners, don’t you? Like, nobody cares. Anywho, Blake says that he knows Lucas is not here for the right reasons (points for anyone who had Blake on their Fantasy Team) and knows this because Lucas’ ex girlfriend is his roommate.

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I’m sorry, what? This is confusing for anyone, this twisted love triangle, but it’s even more confusing when you’ve researched this and realize there actually is a twisted love triangle.  For those of you who don’t know, the show Lucas (Whaboom) and Blake were on was about ex’s.  Lucas was on the show with his ex and Blake came on as the “hottie” who could mess stuff up…and did.

So now he’s telling us that he lives with that ex girlfriend of Lucas’ that he hooked up with? Or he’s living with a different ex of Whaboom’s which makes it even weird and proves he’s just here to date Whaboom.

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Because ABC loves pointless drama and because the rest of the men on this date are insanely boring, we stay with the Whaboom vs Whaloser storyline.  Once Blake leaves his one-on-one time he spent oh so wisely talking about another man, he approaches Whaboom, again to “get something off his chest”.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say this man is decidedly not authentic, he’s now used that line three times I think.

Whaboom looks very unfazed by Blake confronting him and even flips the tables on him saying that the ex girlfriend/roommate says Blake is crazy.

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The ex girlfriend who is living with Blake?? What the hell is going on here? Whose side is this girl on?? Before I can find the answer to that, Blake shoots himself in the foot and says if he’s the crazy one then why is she getting evicted from the apartment?

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Blake, she was your source on Lucas “not being here for the right reasons” and now she’s insane and not to be trusted?  I think it’s obvious whose side I am on here and it is not yours….I am so not on your side that I just realized I’ve started using Whaboom’s given name, Lucas.

Lucas, quickly becoming my favorite my hero better than I expected, shuts down the convo by telling Blake he is dismissed.

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The date ends with Rachel getting to talk to the only stand out men in this group, Dean and Kenny.  Dean is cute and has a nice smile and Rachel is a little mad at him for “once you go black you never got back line” only because she wanted to use it first. Kenny is sweet because he obviously loves his daughter and has no time for “all these white guys’ ” drama.

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Kenny for Bachelor, you heard it hear first.

Dean gets the rose and proceeds to make out with Rachel and get red lipstick all over his face.  We don’t get to see how the men react to seeing the evidence of their make out, but I can assume Blake blamed Whaboom.

Side note: Iggy’s sweat was noted but there are no gifs sufficient enough to describe how bothered I was.

One-on-One Date: Who Let the Dogs Out

Seriously, I wish I felt more original and could think of a better title for this date, but that song is still stuck in my head hours later, sorry not sorry.

Peter is selected for the one-on-one and I swear you could hear Bachelor Nation applaud.  Peter is a dream boat and those gap tooth smiles belong together.  Rachel seems thrilled to be going on this date, but before they climb onto some ABC exec’s jet, Rachel needs to tell Peter something.  She has a friend in town who was in a bad accident recently and she hasn’t seen him in a long time so this is going to be a two-on-one date.

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COPPER!!! I’d like to first point out that either Rachel exaggerated, or she considers three hours a long time to be away from Copper.

Next, what accident was Copper in?? You said it was really bad, I need to know what happened and I am sure I am not the only one.  I’m not asking for medical records and I’m not blaming you for whatever happened, but I wouldn’t put it past Chris Harrison to force you to put a cast on your dog to make us even more obsessed with him, so you’re going to have to tell us.

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Back to Peter, the second best thing about this date.  He seems like a doll and is thrilled to have time to bond with Copper.  Seriously, he is the first one to meet her dog, that’s telling me something. They take the jet to Palm Springs (I think) and that’s when they get me.  ABC, you knew Bachelor Nation, the world, humanity, was struggling right now and you decided to step up and make everything better. You introduced us to Bark Fest.

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Yes, it’s a really thing, and ABC just introduced us to it, along with 50 other dogs.  I always wondered what heaven would look like and now I know.  Dogs in a dog pool, people in a people pool and Copper in a baby pool with a water proof cast on.

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Honestly, I think the date went well, but I kind of tuned them out in hopes of seeing another dog run by.  It was magical, but all good things must end and we move to the evening part of the date and production has set up a doggie bed and toys for Copper.  Unlike the contestants, Copper is (probably) not getting a paycheck, even though he deserves one, and ignores the bed and runs around the set the entire time.

Peter and Rachel’s convo is adorable and they address what everyone else was already talking about, their gap teeth. Neither knew for a long time that they could actually get their teeth fixed, but they never even wanted to. They feel it adds charm which I 100% agree…but you really had never heard of braces all that time?

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Rachel asks Peter how he is still single, a question she says she gets all the time (modest) and he responds with a story of a rushed relationship after he left LA to move home (let’s just side step that Peter moved to LA at one point in his life, this man should have no flaws for as long as possible). He says after that, he felt he confused and went to a relationship therapist.  I found this a little odd for a guy, but whatever I guess.  Rachel loves it because she also went to a therapist after her long term break up!

Seriously, we are pretty much casting for Bachelor in Paradise at this point, these two are too much. Peter get’s a rose, Rachel gets a kiss and we get our first firework show which always makes me upset–how much money did they pay for you fools to be making out and missing the fireworks?  Keep it in your pants for just a minute.

Group Date # 2: Just Like Mike Kareem

It seems they saved all the hotties for this date because everyone they show is extremely gorgeous and I don’t know where to look.  And I am not complaining.

Rachel brings out another one of her “good friends” aka someone who was paid to be there just like the rest of these fools.  This time, it’s for all the boyfriends out there whose ladies are making them watch this shit, because it’s Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!

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No idea. But the men are excited, more than they have been when they see Rachel, so that’s good, right? Kareem looks like he would rather be anywhere else and is about a foot taller than everyone here and three feet taller than Lee who also looks like this would be his last choice for a date activity.

Kareem puts the men through some drills and assures them that even if they aren’t professional basketball players or have maybe never even played before, we can still tell a lot about their character through basketball.  DeMario takes this opportunity to dunk on Rachel.

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The men are horrific at playing basketball, but are still thrilled to learn that they will be playing in front of an entire gymnasium of people tonight to show Rachel their skills.  To say they improved at all between warmups and the game would be a lie. It was atrocious and not enjoyable to watch.

What was enjoyable was seeing AJ the doll from episode one make an appearance in the stands along with 200 8th graders and some of their parents. And Chris Harrison.

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Yes, Chris Harrison deemed to come to a lowly group date, something is definitely up.  We already know from the previous “coming up” commercials that someone in the stands, (not one of the high schoolers) is here to confront a man she thought was her boyfriend.  After seeing Chris, we can now assume he has coached her and drove her here himself.

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The game is now over, with the score being 30 to 26. I refuse to waste a gif on that, but just know it would be insulting.

While Rachel is meeting people from the game, a woman with a scrunchy on her wrist approaches her and tells her Rachel is dating her boyfriend. It seems one of the men who was on After the Final Rose was in a relationship with Scrunchy at the time and she only found out by seeing him on TV.

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Scrunchy reveals the man in question is DeMario.

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I really wanted to look at him a few week’s longer, he’s so sexy.

DeMario was the stand out performer of the game so when Rachel pulls him aside, he and all the men assume it’s to give him a rose or some one-on-one time….

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Scruchy greets DeMario with profanities (fair) and DeMario greets her with “ooooo…wait who is this?”  He really tried to go with the I-dont-know-her tactic at first, bold move.

While DeMario ghosting this girl to go on national television to date someone else is very shady, this girl is a nut job. I really would like to hear the story DeMario came up with to defend himself, but Scrunchy is screaming like she just got back from Christmas vacation and got on the scale.  I can’t hear what anyone else is saying and while Rachel probably appreciates her information, she looks like she’d prefer if she’d excuse herself now.

DeMario says he broke it off with Scrunchy a while ago and scrunchy tells the camera man she “swears on her father’s grave that did not happen….swear on her kitten back home”.

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My life is complete. Honestly, I missed so much after this because I was still so hysterical after she swore on her kitten, who is this character? She does know she won’t get to go to Paradise, no matter how entertaining she is, right?

In the end, Rachel tells DeMario to “get the f*** out” and Miss Scrunchy could not be more excited to see him leave and he could not be more excited to get away from Miss Scrunchy. She exits stage left and I really feel she thought she was going to be friends with Rachel after coming to her with this info, this isn’t the First Wives Club.

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Any excuse to reference the First Wives Club, I’m taking it. Even if it may not totally work.

For the evening portion of the date, Rachel is happy to be distracted by the men. The men have by now Horton over their initial shock and have realized that DeMario leaving is a good thing for them. That man was for sure a front runner, they’ll see him in Paradise soon.

The men work to take Rachel’s mind off DeMario by bringing him up during all of their one-on-one time and acting like Rachel just lost the man of her dreams.

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The only highlight of this evening is Diggy who is sporting his second pair of glasses this season.  That is where the excitement for this evening ends and Rachel presents the rose for this evenings date.  While she would “give them each a rose tonight if she could”, proving to me what I already know, all of these men are safe this week, she decides to just give the one rose to Josiah who made her feel protected by talking shit on DeMario.

Rose Ceremony

While I hoped beginning of the episode Rose Ceremonies were just something created so we would continue to watch Nick last season, it seems they are here to stay.

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The cocktail party begins and, considering ABC already showed us 30 times that DeMario is about to show up, they don’t show us anything interesting with any of the other men.  DeMario does appear at the gates and is stopped by the two security men.  I would have thought there would have been way more, but they are in LA so I guess people are using their time and skills to stalk A List celebrities.

One of the security men offers to go get Mr. Harrison.

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It’s Chris to the likes of you.

When he comes outside, Chris is trying to either contain his excitement or hide the fact that he knows exactly why DeMario is here because he called him.  He says he will fetch Rachel and it will be her choice if she wants to talk or not.

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Rachel was mid convo with Fred who has no chance of going far in this, with Lee watching.  When Chris Harrison appears to interrupt, Lee is there to eves drop and inform the men that DeMario is ate the gates and Rachel is going to talk to him.  Lee, I do not like you, but that is probably because I see so much of myself in you.

The men decide to head to the gates to make sure DeMario leaves and ABC leaves us with a TO BE CONTINUED.

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