The fact that I am even writing this makes me sad. It makes me sad that ABC did this to us and it makes me sad that we are still talking about.

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Last night will go down in history as one of the worst television experiences of my life. I have also watched Real Housewives of Dallas, several episodes of Property Brothers and a few Lifetime movies. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, run. You are one of the lucky ones and shouldn’t be exposed to what we all saw.

ABC decided that they should remake Dirty Dancing. I don’t know why I’m surprised, ABC brought Nick Viall back like ten times to find love on the Bachelor Franchise, but this was worse than that.

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Sorry but it’s true.  For one thing, they made it a musical.

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Yes, it’s true. I love a good musical, but, NEWSFLASH, Dirty Dancing was not a musical. I didn’t even realize it was a musical until about 15 minutes in when my boyfriend read me the Wikipedia page…. yes, they have a Wikipedia page.

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But the singing wasn’t the worst part, probably because they lip synced most of it and the voices weren’t horrific. No, it wasn’t the singing that ruined this, it was so many other things.

First, they decided to hire non dancers. Nicole Scherzinger gets a shout out for being the only one who danced and showed talent. Remake Johnny was fine too, but he is on my shit list so I can’t reward him for know how to two step.

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The worst dancer was Baby, played by Abigail Breslin. Abigail, I love you, I think you’re better than this, but I can’t forgive you for what I saw. Did no one offer to teach you?  Were dance lessons too expensive after Debra Messing demanded a larger salary (we’ll get to you, Deb)? I am so confused as to why you never learned to dance. I kept hoping, praying even, that the last scene would start and we’d see that had learned…

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Next, the storyline. I still don’t know if I’m more upset they tried to remake this or that they decided not to follow the script word for word and created 30 new sub plots. Let’s list those new subplots, shall we?

  1. Divorce
  2. Parents having sex
  3. Race
  4. Incest (I still think the dad had a thing for Baby)
  5. Rape
  6. Johnny’s Arrest
  7. Dad doesn’t love mom
  8. Mom can sing
  9. Dad can sing
  10. Hanging the Moon
  11. Lisa decides to be a feminist
  12. Interracial couples
  13. Broadway
  14. After the Last Dance (still not sure if I can talk about that yet)

There are probably more, but how can one be expected to keep track when they make a movie THREE HOURS LONG.

Now, before anyone has an issue with an item on my list, I am not saying these are not important plots. Some of them are extremely important (some of them are not) and I would be happy to watch a movie address those issues. But you don’t just add them to Dirty Dancing.

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I’m going to say the most infuriating plot addition was Baby and Lisa’s parent’s failing marriage.

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Why in god’s name was necessary? If you had cut that we would have been WELL under two hours. All the mom wanted was a little sex, and dad was just totally over it. AND I DON’T CARE. And this plot lead to several of the other plots.

It lead to Debra Messing decided to sing a random song (not apart of the original soundtrack) in hopes that her husband would love her. Didn’t work.

It lead to Lisa running to the boy band singer asking him to help find Baby, but instead poured her heart out for no reason and caused the man to (probably) lose his job.  And that lead to the race story line because the band leader told him to “leave the little white girls alone”.

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Luckily he didn’t listen and it leaded to the best song of the show, though one that didn’t seem to be accurate to the era.

And it lead to dad singing about his love and us thinking that the mom was going to walk in and all would be well, but nooooo Remake Baby had to waltz in, making me think they were into each other. I know, it’s really messed up, but at that point ABC had ruined everything else good in the world, this seemed like a possibility, especially when the dad says Johnny “took away the most precious thing” in his life….his daughter’s virginity?

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And then there was the travesty to end all travesties: THE ORIGINAL SONGS. Now, maybe they didn’t get the rights to play the original soundtrack (at least someone tried to stop this) but that doesn’t mean you DESTROY one of the best soundtracks of all time. They remade Hungry Eyes.

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They remade I’ve Had the Time of My Life.

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And they remade Lover Boy, a song that I believe is as, if not more iconic than the final dance.

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And yes, they tried to remake the Lover Boy scene in its entirety.

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It was insulting to movie fans everywhere.

And let’s not forget Remake Baby and Remake Johnny’s chemistry…

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THERE WAS NO CHEMISTRY. None. I couldn’t haven found people less attracted to each other if I tried. And then, after seeing they had no chemistry, ABC still decided to try and remake the love scene.  Oh god, did they try.

And as if all of this wasn’t enough, we still had one more scene left after two hours and 45 minutes of torture….and you all know what scene I’m talking about.

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The Final Dance is, at this point, just the cherry on top.  They’ve already done so much, they can’t surprise me and they really don’t. They sing the song, they butcher some lines, Remake Johnny professes his love for Remake Baby.  Honestly, it could have been worse.  And, although Remake Baby never learned to dance and actually look insanely uncomfortable, she did do a lift.

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So now, I think it’s over. I’m confused when the lights come on…when people are applauding…

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I want to tell everyone now, about half way through this monstrosity, I did pose the question to the Twitter-sphere, what if the show Baby is at is Johnny on Broadway?

I’m so sorry I was right.

Adultish Baby (it’s identical to them straightening Jenny Wezlies hair in the final Harry Potter and putting them all in suits) is crying alone in the audience. It has to have been a while because they are breaking down the stage and it looks completely clean, but it’s not surprising since Remake Baby always lingers too long.

And, as Remake Baby leaves the theater, a man appears behind her. It’s Remake Johnny with a comb over and he’s shocked to see her. He’s happy to see her. He’s thanking her for writing such a…..

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REMAKE BABY WROTE A BOOK ABOUT THAT SUMMER? AND REMAKE JOHNNY MADE A MUSICAL ABOUT IT?

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And just when you think it can’t get worse, Remake Baby’s baby comes running up and before you get excited and think they added being a single mom as a story line, think again. Remake Baby married a made who appears to be a rapist or a Groucho Marx impersonator.

Remake Johnny watches Remake Baby walk out of his life again and we realize that, for all her protesting, Remake Baby and her family were very shallow. She went to school, dropped out to become a housewife and then decided to write a book about her summer fling. Remake Johnny and Remake Baby did not end up together.

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ABC, you should be ashamed. I know I am for watching the entire thing.

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