Welcome back you addicts.

After more than two promo-less, bio-less, Bachelor Franchise-less months, the moment we have all be waiting for has returned.

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No, not that moment.  The moment where we feel justified in drinking large amounts of wine on a Monday (not that we needed an excuse) and can feed our reality TV addiction. Rachel is here and looking more beautiful than ever, possibly because of her middle part, but mostly because Nick is not in shot with her.

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By now you have your Fantasy Leagues formed, your DVR’s set and you’ve told yourself that this will be different than before and you wont hate yourself at the end like always. I always find a way to justify watching this in the early weeks, I can’t wait to see what America’s new low point will be.

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Without further ado, let’s begin!

First, interesting music selection for ABC right out the gate.  I feel like this would be used in a Nicholas Sparks movie, not a TV show making a mockery of love. Rachel is way better than this, it sounds like we should be sad for her…maybe we should be sad for ourselves that we are watching this trainwreck again.

ABC’s intro package on Rachel shows us more than we ever saw last season.  Maybe because ABC knew they were picking Rachel as the Bachelorette from night one or maybe it was because other people consumed our screens and overpowered Rachel….

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The most important thing we learned about Rachel is that she has a dog with a broken leg named Copper.  Copper looks like Sandy from Annie, but walks like Shadow from Homeward Bound and I think I speak for all of America Bachelor Nation when I say thank you for letting Rachel bring Copper on this journey.

I also would like to know which airline allowed Rachel to buy him a ticket and didn’t shove him down below in a kennel….or leave him on the tarmac in the pouring rain like United Airlines did once.

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Other than that we learn Rachel is a lawyer who was forced likes to throw legal jargon around (I refuse to use the Legally Blonde gif but please know I was tempted) and she has been bad at love because of her demanding career.  She also is sweet, but sour. Classy, but sassy.  So either she is a sour patch kid or a poet and she didn’t know it.

To drive home that Rachel is the most popular Bachelorette in the history of all Bachelorettes, ABC shows us a scene of Rachel meeting two old cougars in a park who want her not to sleep with everyone.  Either these woman do watch the show or this has become the second fakest scene in the history of this show. You know you know what number one is.

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If you don’t know what this is, I want you to leave and never return.

Before Rachel can meet the fame whores men, she must get some advice from the success stories of the Bachelor Franchises, as is tradition.  Lucky for us, JoJo and Kaitlyn were booked so instead we get Raven, Corinne, Alexis, Jasmine, Astrid, Whitney and Kristina who were rejected on Nick’s season along with Rachel. This is most likely their audition for Paradise, best of luck ladies. I have a few questions during this segment:

  1. Which one is Whitney and which is Astrid?
  2. Why is Jasmine here?
  3. Is Raven crying because she wanted to be the Bachelorette or because she’s relieved Nick’s not here?
  4. If Rachel does decided to get married on national television, does she really have to have all of them as her bridesmaids?

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I’d watch.

Corinne suggests Rachel should let her feelings be “yep” or “nope” when choosing.  I am thrilled to see she has evolved in the past few months, I would have guessed she’d say something way less mature.

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Astrid (maybe?) notes that Rachel could meet her future husband tonight and can’t believe those words just came out of her mouth.  I can’t believe it either considering I DO NOT REMEMBER YOU.

Alexis’ advice? Don’t write someone off if he wears a costume.

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Also, can we note how thick her accent has gotten since she’s been gone? Love you, New Jersey.

The women then give their opinions on the four men Rachel already met at After the Final Rose and they all seem to have a personal favorite aka someone they want Rachel to send home so he can go to Paradise.  Whitney then interjects to say that DeMario knows Sarah (who?) and Sarah said he “might not have pure intentions”.

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Whitney, the only person whose intentions are pure here is Copper.

Now for the moment we have all been waiting for….

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NO, not that moment.  THE MEN.

Kenny aka Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King is the first intro package.  With a name like Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, it’s shocking to me that he hasn’t found love, that he even wants to find love and that he is successful in the ring. He does have a daughter who seems really cute, but his ring puns are going to be the death of me so I can’t root for him (I will not openly root for him but he is on my fantasy team).

We also meet Josiah who is a clear front runner based on the length of his intro package.  The man has had a very hard life, but turned it around and is a lawyer just like Rachel. What a coincidence! Josiah also likes puns and makes a “see you later litigator” joke.

Peter is the first out of the limos (allegedly) and his gap tooth smile shines bright when he see’s Rachel’s gap tooth smile in person.  Dare I say, match made in heaven? Or maybe just a paid Invisalign insta promotion is in their future.

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We meet Rob who says Rachel has always been his first round draft pick…always as in the last two months? Also, Izzy wants us to know he is genuinely and authentically happy to be here.

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I’ve read he went to Harvard, but I am going to need evidence and witnesses to believe it.  Also, I did not go to Harvard so evidence and witness is as far as my legal jargon goes.

The male model shows up with a block of ice, making you think there is something frozen inside, but unfortunately he just had no intro and needed to break the ice. Dean shows up and reminds us all that he was the clever idiot who said “once you go black you never go back” at After the Final Rose.  He is nervous to find out how she felt about about his possibly insulting intro and I appreciate a man who admits he has regrets.  Lucky for him, Rachel liked the joke.

Another one of the men Rachel previously met is DeMario aka the one Whitney/Astrid warned us about.  I think the ladies just want to get DeMario to Paradise, that man is HOT.

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Then we see Blake E.  Blake E. (unfortunately) got an intro package and decided to tell us he works out regularly, which builds testosterone.  He likes testosterone because it makes him better at sex.  His last relationship was based solely on sex which is good because he learned a lot, “went from high school to getting a PhD” (excuse me while I go gag).  He then says “how many girls have talked about my penis?” Not sure if they edited out his answer, if this a rhetorical question or if he’s actually asking his former flings to write in and admit they’ve seen “it”.  He says he loves sex, but he wants to find a woman to spend the other 23.5 hours of the day with….

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Did he or did he not make it seem like he had sex four times a day and had the libido of 68-year-old, heavily medicated Hugh Hefner?

Blake arrives at the mansion as a part of a marching band.  This is important for two reasons.  One, the idea is cute even though he isn’t and it intimidates the other men.  Second, Blake’s occupation was “aspiring drummer” which led me to think he wanted to learn to play the drums in the future.  Blake, like many of his fellow cast mates, should probably pull out a dictionary because he does know how to play the drums.  So, either stop aspiring or make it “Aspiring Professional Drummer”.

Chris stops us here to refresh us on what we just saw.  Seriously, why do you have to be obnoxiously involved night one and then get to ghost us the entire season?

The next man out is Fred.  You think Fred and Rachel are just having a moment, but really they’ve met before, when Rachel was in eighth grade and he was in third.

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Really, the cougar thing is cool, but not if you knew him as a seven-year-old.  Rachel feels the same way and knew exactly who Fred was and described him as a “very bad kid”.  Peace out, Freddy.

Next is another career fan favorite, Tickle Monster.  First, does he or does he not look like Bert from Sesame Street, a close friend of Tickle-Me-Elmo?

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Second, surprising no one who has a brain, Tickle Monster Jonathon tickles Rachel.  Rachel was ticklish, but let’s play devil’s advocate here–what would he have done if she hadn’t been? Seriously, I’d love to know his back up plan.

Next is Lee, a singer/song writer who needs to steal the word “aspiring” from Blake E’s bio because the man cannot sing.  I’m going to skip over the man with the vacuum, the man who purred, the man who brought a puppet and the man who wore a penguin costume.  Them I’m going to skip Boring 1, Boring 2, Jack Stone, Mohit in the bad suit who had potential, and I think three more guys who I don’t remember at all.  It’s not their fault, we’ve been conditioned to remember 25 men and maybe one or two repeat offenders all these years. With 31 I was bound to forget a third of you, even though I watched twice.

The next man I would like to skip altogether.  He does not deserve to be here, does not deserve to be on television.  Really, he should be in an insane asylum, but I guess the Mansion was the next best thing.

Lucas is the next human to exit the limo.  You may not remember a man named Lucas, that’s not surprising.  I don’t think Lucas ever mentioned his name because Lucas has been eating paint since the time he was born and the only word he can say is Whaboom.

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What is Whaboom you ask?  Well, unfortunately, Whaboom got his own promo and told us all about it. Whaboom stems from the word boom.  Simple.  Whaboom then proceeds to do a belly roll and show us his Whaboom shirt he had made, which doesn’t feel like a cry for attention or endorsements at all.  When he arrives at the house, he brings a megaphone to make everything ten times worse.  Usually, I think production hands these men props, but I hope they did not allow this and maybe even tried to stop it.

His exit from the limo consists of him asking what Rachel’s name is, Whabooming and telling Rachel one of his testicles is bigger than the other.  While I didn’t need to know this, I do appreciate his honesty and educating people on that being a completely normal condition.  It will prove to be the only normal thing about him.

Quick shout out to DeMario for announcing that they have found the crazy one and Diggy for providing the best gif of the night.

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Josiah is the first to steal Rachel away, waiting a respectful 30 seconds after her toast.  The other men are genuinely (or authentically?) shocked. I give the men a little bit of a break since some of them maybe didn’t watch the show religiously and you know the women did (stop denying it, Vanessa), but did you really think no one was going to pull her aside first?

Josiah explains his story and that’s about where his charm ends. Josiah is getting more and more annoying and louder and louder as the night goes on.  It’s upsetting, I liked him so much at first.

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Next, we move on to AJ the puppet.  I am not sure if his owner, Adam, is the French voiceover or if someone in production took it upon themselves to use their French Major they threw aside to work for ABC and babysit these fools as the voice, but it’s creepy and genius all at once.  Poor AJ is totally rejected by Rachel who is creeped out by dolls.

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Bon voyage! 

Then Rachel chats with Bryan.  I vaguely remember him (all these brunettes this year makes things tricky four glasses of wine in), but then he reminds us he’s a Columbian bad boy.  I’m a fan, and so is Rachel who is loving that he is one of maybe three guys who is older than her at 37.  Way to under deliver, ABC. I do like this older, sophisticated and respectfully confident side of the Bachelor Franchise contestants, until Fabio decides to eat Rachel’s face.

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Rachel says she really didnt want to kiss anyone night one.

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She was BEGGING for him to kiss her.  I’m not a professional flirt, but those two were being so cutesy it made my toes curl.  Rachel says it was a good kiss and maybe it felt okay, but it was not okay to watch.  It seems I complained too much about Luke’s noisey kisses from Jojo’s season and now I’m stuck with Bryan with a Y….did I mention I hate Y’s thrown in where the don’t belong. I do not like you, BrYan. After that kiss I refuse to mention anything positive about you.

Then we hear some ominous music which either means return contestant or….FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE.  The First Impression rose always brings out the best in people.  One man announces that this is a reminder to them all why they came here.  While I’d like to judge him for forgetting his purpose in being here, there is a high probability that he hasn’t spoken to Rachel in hours and has had enough alcohol that he doesn’t remember his own name.  I certainly don’t.

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Jack Stone and Dean discuss how the men who are compensating outwardly, probably have something to compensate. I love when people point out the obvious like they’ve discovered sliced bread.  Shockingly, the man peacocking the most is Josiah.

DeMario asks Rachel one of life’s biggest conundrums, N*Sync or Backstreet Boys? Rachel does not hesitate and says N*Sync.  Anyone who is surprised by this, you obviously aren’t a true fan or you would have remembered Rachel was NOT taken on the Backstreet Boys date last season and is therefore still bitter.

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I am sure some ABC Network exec is cringing somewhere because they’ve scheduled another random appearance from the boys this season.

The men are now figuring out that most of them have yet to talk to Rachel.  They were too busy broing out and must have just noticed the sunrise in the distance.  One man is bothered that the man in the penguin outfit has talked to her and he hasn’t, even though he’s wearing a $2,000 suit.

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To show us how drunk and confrontational the men are getting, ABC shows us a line of men waiting to talk to Rachel.  They are so close to the current convo she’s in, they have to be able to hear what each one is saying.  Really, for having seen this show way too many times, I can safely say I haven’t seen this side of it. Josiah, as obnoxious as he is, tries to help Mohit get some one-on-one time, but unfortunately Mohit’s feet are not working properly.  Instead of stealing Rachel away, he steals Josiah’s drink.

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Because ABC likes to tourture us, Whaboom is back and showing the men how to Whaboom.  Everyone watching him fall over during his self induced seizure and walking away half way through, I applaud you.  I also appreciate the medical professional advising him to seek help and Josiah for asking if ABC drug tested him.

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Blake E. (testosterone) has taken it upon himself to make Whaboom his project meaning he is going to pull a Taylor and focus on him the entire season and his mission to get him kicked off.  For anyone who thinks that makes Whaboom the Corinne of this season, shame on you.  Corinne is funny and entertaining whereas this man obnoxious and emotionally unintelligent.

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Like all good confrontations, the confronted tends to be smarter and flips the tables.  While I hate Whaboom, I think I might hate Blake more…and I hate myself for saying that.  But seriously, have you watched the show, Blake? There is always someone here for attention and fame and it’s obviously the man slinging his catchphrase around.  And he does not deny it! He just says it a few more times and then suggests that everyone has a little Whaboom in them.  I really would like think Blake wouldn’t fall for this, but then he says “I have no Whaboom in me”.  First point goes to Whaboom.

Then Josiah tried on the First Impression Rose and we are back to why we are here.  Kenny says that if Whaboom gets the rose, they need to reevaluate their approach.  Josiah said if Whaboom gets it he will reevaluate life itself.

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Rachel then goes to get the rose and walks through every group in the house before finding her target. It’s so cruel yet hilarious since we know right away that Josiah isn’t the chosen one. I am honestly confused where she is going until she arrives in the room I’m pretty sure she originally started in to ask for….BRYAN???

Oh lord no, I am shocked.  It’s better than Whaboom, but Bryan? The only thing that made this okay was drunk Mohit following them and being the voice for America and crying out when he sees them kiss for the first time.

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Sadly, Bryan kissing like he’s trying to suck the life out of you is the norm and I think we are in for a long season.

FINALLY it’s the Rose Ceremony and I’m happy to say there is no “TO BE CONTINUED”.  It’s only a matter of time before we go back to Rose Ceremonies at the beginning of the episode, I’ll take what I can get. The only thing I do not want is for Whaboom to receive a rose.  When the Tickle Monster receives a rose I grimace through it, but it’s still not Whaboom.  It’s not until it’s the last rose that I realize once again I’ve fallen into this trap….the men are all talking about Whaboom….I see stricken faces….

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WHY, TV GODS, WHY??  I know the TV gods are here only for ratings, but I pray to them all the same and my still prayers go unanswered.

And now for the biggest travesty of all, Blake K. I haven’t even mentioned him until now because I’m still upset.  You let us all down Rachel when you didn’t allow Blake the air time he deserved. ABC, you better right this wrong and invite him to Paradise, even though I think he’s too good for it.

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Farewell sweet Prince.

Milton on the other hand, another man destined for no mans land, is crying.  Not because of the missed opportunity with Rachel, but because of his wardrobe America didn’t get to see.

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And that’s the end, folks! If you made it this far, thank you, but you’re insane.  This took me hours to write, it took at least an hour to read I’m sure.  Hopefully I can cut back in the coming weeks….but it’s doubtful.

Tootles!