By now, you should have read my recap on this year’s contestant bios.  If you haven’t, back that shit up and read that first.  Only then will you understand.

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During Chris Harrison’s disastrous Facebook Live event, he revealed more than we ever wanted to know, including that he may or may not be high.  Now that Chris has told us certain spoilers for this season, I can’t not take those into consideration while doing my predictions.  Luckily, Chris didn’t reveal enough to completely ruin the season, just enough to ruin any remaining respect I had for him.

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So let’s begin–today I will be giving out early superlatives to the men who have already earned my First Impression Roses.  These are different from Rachel’s First Impression Rose because mine honors the men who impressed me in the worst possible way. Congrats, gents.

Fred

Most Likely to Receive a Restraining Order from Rachel

Oh, Fred.  Sweet, most likely very innocent but deeply disturbed, Fred.  The one thing Chris was good for on the FB Live was him revealing that Fred went to camp as a child and his camp counselor was Rachel.

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So so disturbing.  It feels like Fred has come her to make a go for his former middle school crush.  She’s only four years older than Fred, but most likely a lot more mature and sane.  Either Fred is a huge stalker and lives in his mom’s basement or the casting crew dug so deep into Rachel’s past and found a kid who used to go to the same camp as her and convinced him to come on.  If that’s the case….

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This might (hopefully) will get creepy.

Most Likely to Know Each Other

Calling it now people.  There are THREE men from Miami, one of them is going to claim to know our girl Corn and my moneys on the male model.  Corinne is a household name now and I have a feeling she has been well known in Miami for many years.

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Brady wants to be famous, obvi, and has probably been at the same music video auditions as Corinne.  Sadly for Brady, he will never have a tenth of the potential Corinne has.

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And he doesn’t have a nanny, so best to give up now.

Lee

Most Likely to Offend

I am not saying Lee is the Most Likely to Offend just because Chris Harrison told us he’d be a problem child. But that combined with the fact that he couldn’t be more southern if he tried? Sold.  We know race will be a topic of discussion and I think he might handle that discussion poorly.

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Also, he is a singer/song writer and most likely would like to release a demo during the small window between The Bachelorette finale and Bachelor in Paradise premier and will probably be constantly practicing.  And nothing annoys people more than excessive singing.

Lucas

Most Likely to be the Death of Me

Soooo manyyyyy possibilities for this award, but the man defined himself as Whaboom.  It’s his career, it’s his way of life, it’s his essence….these are the exact words Chris Harrison used to describe Whaboom, confirming my suspicions that he has indeed lost his mind.

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Chris has promised we will understand the meaning of Whaboom by night one, but I’m not buying it. I don’t think I will ever understand Whaboom and I don’t think I ever want to.  You, sir, are a disgrace to this show and I will probably be obsessed with you by night two.  See you in Paradise, loser.

Blake e

Most Likely to Have Issues

Again, anyone of this fine men could have won this award, but we need to reward the only contestant who used the word “aspiring”.  It doesn’t say aspiring professional drummer, it just says aspiring drummer.

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Hopefully he will reveal another career and this can just be a normal, 31-year-old man’s aspiration.  But right now it’s just sad.  Other than being pathetic, Blake E. has also proven to be disturbed, saying if he could watch any movie right now he’d watch 50 Shades of Grey because he likes taboo stuff.

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Between him and the guy who still reads Playboy, I hope someone in this house teaches them about online content.

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Most Likely to Earn You Bonus Points

I feel like it’s only fair for everyone to be going in with the same information here.  Chris Harrison confirms that Kenny is one of the most emotional people ever on this show.  Does this mean we see moisture fall?  Maybe not, but if you get a couple drops an episode until he goes?

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You’re welcome.

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Most Likely to Surprise You

Yes, the tickle monster is getting a positive superlative.  Will I regret this decision? Most likely.  But despite the fake occupation (he’s actually a doctor), Chris did tell us it would all make sense and we would maybe even like Jonathon.  Maybe he’s a pediatrician?

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I can’t believe I’m still using Chris Harrison as a reliable source.

Most Likely Top Three

Sorry, I don’t know how to make the pictures bigger, I’ve only been doing this for like a year people.

My final three are Will, Peter and Iggy (not Diggy).  Why?  Because I remember nothing from their profiles and, when it comes to this season, that’s a good thing.  Some of these men I will never be able to look at the same way again, but these three have managed to remain completely ambiguous and forgetful.

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Guarantee I got this wrong and Rachel wont go for the nice simple guys, but I can’t be right all the time…I don’t think.