First, I know being in your 30s isn’t senile, so calm down people, it just sounded good.
Second, I never knew I could hate someone as much as I hate Chris Harrison right now. For those of you who watched the Bachelorette Live reveal, I want to take this moment to say I’m sorry. I did nothing wrong, but someone needs to say it and I doubt ABC ever will.
Now, on to the men! I forced myself to listen to the FB Live shit show, I read the bios and, as I suspected, the bios are far more entertaining on their own. Not to mention the fact the Chris tried to be funny (he is not), made fun of the men (my job) and implied that he was high. I pray to god he was, because he was a mess.
Chris also thought it’d be fun to throw out random and insignificant spoilers for the season. Chris, we are all here because we are fans and are most likely in a bracket. The entire premise of the bracket is for us to judge on our own and avoid Reality Steve. DON’T TRY AND BE REALITY STEVE.
Now, for my recap of the 31 contestants this season. Yes, 31 MEN. Why? Because Chris wanted a reason to be on air longer than necessary. He revealed the men in “no particular order” which in his world meant alphabetical order. Alphabetical order is a particular order…really, I find it very plausible he was high as a kite.
He also told us that they took note of all the protein intake this season and how often the men shaved each other…wonder what inspired that?
Side note: If these bios are any indication, The Rock might actually have a chance at the Presidency.
Adam: Real Estate Agent, 27
Adam looks normal, but after reading his bio and hearing what Chris had to say, I would recommend keeping your distance….or putting him in your Fantasy League. Adam proves to be a winner right off the bat when he says he considers a threesome the most romantic gift he’s ever received.
Chris also said he would not be coming alone and it’d be like “a fun Easter egg” that we will see throughout the season. For those of you who didn’t realize that Easter egg is actually a term in TV (neither did I) google it and hopefully it’ll make sense. If not, it won’t matter after Monday so forget it.
Alex: Informations System Supervisor, 28
Chris’ commentary is scathing right off the bat and he lets us know Alex’s eyebrows aren’t as intense as they look. Chris, women would kill for good eyebrows like that, don’t make fun of eyebrows.
He’s the second bio in and I might fall asleep reading it. His positive attributes include adaptable, logical and fun while his negatives are unemotional, unapologetic and selfish. How can all of these words apply to one person?
Oh and Alex’s favorite artist is The Rock.
You could also say there was a favorite actor question and Alex still chose to put you here. Certifiable genius.
Anthony: Education Software Manager, 26
Before Chris introduces Anthony, he says that there will be a lot of older contestants on this season…Anthony is 26, so I’m guessing he just read that cue card a little early.
Otherwise, this man seems fairly normal, although a bit of a try hard. Favorite movies include Moonlight and his favorite book is something I’ve never heard of…I know you’d be shocked to know I have time to read with all the TV I watch and how bad my spelling is, but I do and I don’t know that book. So cool it, Anthony.
Blake E.: Aspiring Drummer, 31
First “aspiring” and Chris Harrison is not letting this pass. Chris makes a point to call out his dreams of being a drummer and his age saying it’s time to move on. Chris, THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB TO CRITIQUE. It’s our job, stop avoiding what you came here to do. Just pass out the damn roses and give therapy like advice.
But seriously, he said aspiring drummer. He also said if he could watch any movie right now it would be 50 Shades of Grey because he “loves taboo sexy stuff”.
If you are looking for a creep, he’s your man, ladies.
Blake K.: U.S. Marine Veteran, 29
I’m sorry, I think I just fell in love. Blake loves his mamma, loves his country and loves Chipotle.
Sadly, he will most likely be gone week one because there is no place for nice guys in Bachelor Nation. Hopefully we see you in Paradise, sweetheart.
Brady: Male Model, 29
Chris Harrison lets us know at this time that they’ve been really into casting people with “serious hair” whatever the hell that means.
Brady’s bio lets us know that he’d like to be Channing Tatum so he could be good looking with a hot wife and that he doesn’t like paying for everything on a date or Ubers that don’t speak English.
Bryan: Chiropractor, 37
Ladies and gentlemen, this man is 37-years-old. Is he the oldest contestant in Bachelor history, not sure, but I was always taught to respect my elders and will practice that here until he forces me to do otherwise.
Just read his bio, he’s prove otherwise. This man is the typical trying-to-sound-cool-but-I-have-no-idea-what-Im-saying guy and it comes across in his bio. He used sooooooo, 😉 and lol twice. He also has planned out his childrens’ genders and told us his wild bedroom activities.
Sorry, buddy. It’s not going to work.
Bryce: Firefighter, 30
The only interesting Chris had to say about Bryce is that he’s a firefighter and therefore Trista and Ryan will for sure like him. Chris, shamelessly plugging one of the only successful couples in the franchise is really pathetic.
I found a lot to mention here actually. The man lit a girls hair on fire during sex and describes himself as “a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning” as a lover…excuse me? What does that mean? And did you just watch Daniel on Jojo’s season and decide to steal that.
Close enough people, close enough people.
And the man’s dream job? The man who saves lives and is a firefighter? He’d like to be a professional Instagrammer. At least he is honest.
Dean: Startup Recruiter, 26
Chris says it looks like Dean is having a bad hair day, I feel like that’s a little harsh. You should have judged his inner lip tattoo that says “Righteous”.
Really, he seems nice and has been through a lot so we can can let the tattoo slide…until he answered the what marriage meant to him question and said “marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs.” But when he gets married it’ll be a life-long commitment. So maybeeee not here for the right reasons.
DeMario: Executive Recruiter, 30
DeMario and I would be great friends. I’m saying this because he mentioned seven celebrities in his bio. SEVEN. He said he likes attention but not like 2007 B. Spears or 2011 Sheen…the man knows his facts.
Chris Harrison of course has to ruin everything and told us he “may not be here for the right reasons”. SHUT. UP. MR. HARRISON.
Diggy: Senior Inventory Analyst, 31
Um, do I love your glasses or do I love your glasses. Not a question, it’s a statement. And the man loves Devil Wears Prada.
Unfortunately, Diggy’s low point is rather low. When asked to tell us a “fun story about a one night stand” he says he spent all day with a girl, went home, did the dirty, and then she got a text that her brother was missing and he faked asleep so he wouldn’t have to help look….I don’t think he saw the word “fun” in the description.
Eric: Personal Trainer, 29
…….oh sorry, I think I fell asleep reading this bio. I don’t care how cute you are, sir, there is really nothing interesting about your bio except your favorite drink is “green drink”. Assuming it’s some kind of cleanse just as boring as you.
Fred: Executive Assistant, 27
Fred gets boners at work.
Fred went to camp.
Fred is an unselfish lover.
Fred loved his camp counselor.
Fred likes when his date pays.
Fred’s camp counselor was Rachel.
Fred is messed up.
Grant: Emergency Medicine Physician, 29
Oh good lord this one will be hard to get through. First, he’s totally a doctor because he used the word “defecate” in one of his stories. If you are so interested in the story, go read it yourself.
Then he said he likes being the center of attention while appearing to maintain a humble outlook on it. This allows for others to envy and respect you more.
And his favorite magazine is “Playboy ;)”…another damn winky face.
Iggy: Consulting Firm CEO, 30
He’s 5’11”. I know, shallow of me, but I felt it needed to be said. This man sounds pretty normal and extremely smart, but he too suffers from boners in the work place…is this a common occurrence? I work in an all female office and I think I’m going to start appreciating that more.
Jack Stone: Attorney, 32
As you can see, Jack gets his full name displayed. Why you ask? I’m not really sure, Chris Harrison tried to tell the joke of Jack Stone from some TV show and needless to say the joke didn’t land. I still have no idea who Jack Stone is and they wasted his Facebook Live time with Chris having another episode.
He is the only man so far to not explain his wildest moment in the bedroom when asked. 10 points Gryffindor!
Jamey: Sales Account Executive, 32
Since I pointed out Iggy, I will say that Jamey is 5’9″. He also has a creepy resemblance to Robby from Jojo’s season, amirite?
Jamey’s ideal mate is a model, which I think is sweet. It shows he wants his children to be taller than he is.
He also does not have female friends.
Jedidiah: ER Physician, 35
5’10” people, we are getting somewhere. Oh, and he might be perfect. Seriously he loves scrambled eggs, had sex on the continental divide (wherever that is) and wants to help children. His happy things? New socks, nice hotel rooms, good pens…
Call me when this is over, Jedi.
Jonathon: Tickle Monster, 31
Don’t let that job title fool you, the man is acutally a doctor. Why did they put tickle monster? Because Chris knows we like funny names and the titles should be who they are, not what they are. So instead of putting this mans respectable occupation, Chris put “tickle monster” and promises that it’ll all make sense night one.
Should go well for him.
The man is also divorced and, while it may be because of the tickling, it’s probably because his favorite musicians are Elvis, Britney and Flo Rida.
Josiah: Prosecuting Attorney, 28
The only interesting about Josiah was that he has been Catfished before. The woman who did the fishing arrived on the date pregnant…I’m an avid Catfish fan and I’m confused how this actually played out.
We better get more information on this.
Kenny: Professional Wrestler, 35
Chris let’s us know, he is the crier this season….so get drafting ladies. He is also the third person to mention The Rock and the second for Denzel Washington. I think we should all prepare for Johnson and Washington 2020. It’s either that or Jay and Kanye.
The rest of this bio is hard to read. The man has a daughter who he obviously loves very much. But I can’t read about her and then read about him having sex with a woman while her husband watched and then read about the daughter again and not feel gross.
Kyle: Marketing Consultant, 26
SWEET BABY JESUS, did ABC ask these men to be as sexual as possible? As a lover he considers himself “athletic lol”. His ex was into BDSM and liked him as a dom. He didn’t like hurting people, but says it was fun with her.
So you liked beating her but would maybe have a problem beating Rachel? Please, ABC, please do not allow this man to make it to Fantasy Suites.
Lee: Singer/Songwriter, 30
Not surprisingly, we’ve got another singer/song writer this season. Also not surprising, Chris taking this opportunity to plug American Idol for ABC.
Lee likes Gone With the Wind and he is the second person to mention Matthew McConaughey. If Dwayne and Denzel agree, I’d like to nominate him for White House Press Secretary.
Chris also said Lee was an instigator. Another spoiler, thanks, Chris.
Lucas: Whaboom, 30
Chris was kind enough to explain what what Whaboom means and I’d like to share it with you. In Chris’ own words (because I don’t want people blaming me for this nonsense) “it’s a lifestyle, it’s an essence, it’s who he is. It’s a noun, it’s a verb, it’s an adverb…you can be Whaboom and you can be whaboomed and you can whaboom.”
Also, if he could have dinner with anyone dead or alive he said his dead person would be Bruce Jenner and the living person would be Caitlyn.
Matt: Construction Sales Rep, 32
I LIKE MATT. Was his bio boring after 10 creepers in a row? Sure, but it was more normal than anything. All very fine, yet slightly interesting answers. Then Chris tells us he showed up in a penguin suit, which Chris feels is a nod to Shark/Dolphin….no one will ever be Alexis. No one.
There will never be another Alexis. These producers need to stop forcing things that were semi organic to happen again. It doesn’t work like that.
Michael: Former Professional Basketball Player, 26
And we have our third Denzel reference! I love Denzel too so if he wants to be President and Dwayne be VP, that’s cool with me.
Michael seems like an cool dude (can’t believe I just said dude) and possibly one of the reasons Chris Harrison mentioned protein intake during all of this because he does the Paleo diet. Dude, I liked you, but I don’t need someone watching what I eat.
Milton: Hotel Recreation Supervisor, 31
Once again, Chris Harrison steals all of our thunder and makes a “is he a pool guard” joke. Seriously, Chris, I have had just about enough of you trying to be one of us while getting paid to be one of them.
Milton is the tallest of the men so far at 6’5″. That’s about the end of the good qualities since he is the second man to admit to having an inner lip tattoo and when asked how he would describe himself as a lover he said “good”…I know I said I was tired of all the taboo shit, but being a self proclaimed “good” lover is not a positive.
Mohit: Product Manager, 26
Mohit, you really had me for a while. You were funny, and when asked “Gluten?” you said you were dressing up as it for Halloween. You also said your hair could use some work and when estimating the time it takes for you to get ready, you said an episode of Seinfeld.
Where you lost me was, once again, the “wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom” question and your answer was “One word: Tabasco”.
One word: no.
Peter: Business Owner, 31
Yes! An ambiguous “Business Owner” occupation. What could it be….a barber? A tattoo artist? A butcher? So many possibilities.
Too bad the rest of this bio was a snooze fest.
Rob: Law Student, 30
He’s just here to ask Rachel to help him study for finals, let’s be honest. He’s well traveled which is good since we know from last season you shouldn’t come here if you want to travel, budgets are tight.
Also Rob wants to be pursued. WRONG SHOW.
Will: Sales Manager, 28
I feel bad for Will, he’s super cute but at this point in the bios, I’m not easily shocked and I’m bored. It would take a lot to impress me, unfortunately the only interesting thing he said was his answer to “Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but I won’t do that.” What would you not do?” He said “be someone’s second choice.”
Buddy, you’ll be lucky to come in 10th, let alone second.
Bachelor Nation, I am honestly a little nervous to go on this journey this season, but here I am none the less. Hoping to avoid all the sexual tension that is already in these bios. Will Rachel find love? Will Chris find his brain? Will one of these men have an inappropriately timed boner?
We will find out this Monday. Good luck in the draft.