It is the first Monday in May and if you don’t know what that means, move along peasants, I have no time to explain it.

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The Met Gala is tonight and as we speak designers and their pets are getting pampered and sewn into the most elaborate dresses as well as some half-assed gowns that people think they can get away with, but it really just shows a lack of effort.

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You know who you are.

Tonight’s theme is some designer who is actually alive, which is the second time in the history of the Gala.  Obviously, someone realized that honoring someone who is living has it’s draw backs so they avoided it, a living person can be insulted by peoples’ interpretation of their work.  But, as we know, Anna Wintour obvi gives zero fucks.

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So what can we expect tonight?  Well, since we aren’t designers (assuming you all aren’t either) and don’t live inside the minds of this exclusive group of celebrities (no matter how hard I try) we really can’t know what these fools are going to do.  But, since there is nothing I love better than assuming, I am happy to take a stab at what we think will happen tonight.

Katy Perry Will Look Ridiculous

Katy is one of four hosts this year and I can’t say I’m thrilled.  I am sorry for any of you who likes Katy (you are strange) but there is something about her I do not enjoy.  That being said, I will also not enjoy what she wears on the red carpet, I assume it will be over the top, but not in an impressive way.

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How you are a host this year I have no idea.

Someone (or everyone) Will Feel the Need to Talk Politics

If there is one things that celebrities love, it’s hating Trump.  I assume tonight will be no different and they will find time to talk about the man who wasn’t there and wasn’t even invited.  I wouldn’t put it past someone to wear something in homage to the hatred of Trump.  Or at least some newspaper clipping of the always beloved “fake news”…looking at you Madonna.

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Kim Kardashian Ditches the West

We already know Kim is flying solo this evening, but how will this impact her look.  There is no way she will take one of her sisters as her date (Kendall most likely was invited on her own) but we could see her bringing Mommager Kris.  Will they coordinate their looks or will Kimberly have to find something to wear that doesn’t need distressed jeans to stand out.

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Model Behavior

The new “It Girl” is yesterdays reality tv star (aka Kendall) but she will joined with all the other Vicky’s Secret Models and will probably be joining another army.  Balmain is out, and this years designer tends to create things that are misshapen and overly large, something these models know nothing about.  Will they rise to the occasion, disregard the theme or were they even invited?

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Taylor Swift Will Come Out From Under Her Rock

Believe me, I would LOVE to be wrong about this one.  There is nothing I would like more than to not see Taylor Swift tonight.  But, since this is one of my favorite nights of the year, I must assume that she will show up to ruin it.  Last years look was a miss (don’t care if you don’t agree, take your opinions elsewhere) and I can only assume that if she comes tonight she will have to deal with some squad drama if Gigi, Bella and Selena show up too.

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Also, it’s been a year since this futuristic gladiator started one of the fakest Hollywood romances of all time.  I’m not sure if that’s a sign that she’ll show up or not, but it’s a sign that she’s going to be up to no good wherever she is.

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Dressing the Bump

A very large (and important) part of Hollywood is pregnant right now and hopefully a few of those ladies will show up tonight.  Amal? Beyonce? Heidi Pratt? The bumps will be out tonight, as long as they all show up and don’t worry about early labor taking all those stairs.

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If Jason can fall down the stairs in flats, no one is safe.

Battle Royal 

Taylor got her own bullet (even I can’t help myself) but so does her squad which could be destroyed all in one night. Kendall, Kylie, Gigi and Bella are all hanging out already and it seems the she-devil Selena Gomez has arrived in NY as well. For some reason Selena wanted The Weekend and started dating him immediately after his split from Bella and the drama does not bode well for Taylor keeping her subjects from fighting. Hopefully we see a full on anarchy and an overthrow of Miss Swift, but I’m assuming we will just get a lot of cold shoulders.

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Conscious Coupling

No one wants to climb those stairs alone and, knowing Anna’s love of the best of the best, we should expect to see a lot of couples this evening. Tom and Gisele are hosting the damn thing, could that be an underlying theme? Here’s hoping we see Blake and Ryan, Bey and Jay, MK and A and SJP and a headdress. It may be too much to ask for the first official appearance of A. Rod and J. Lo, but here’s hoping.

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SJP and GP

While I can’t think of a Met Gala without SJP, there have been a few with out GP.  Gwyneth Paltrow will be making her Met Gala return after going MIA for four years.  She’s promised big surprises before and is referencing her debut 10 years ago, meaning Raf Simmons who dressed her in Calvin Klein 10 years ago is probs dressing her again, duh.  (Shout out to my boss who schooled me when I asked what the surprise would be).

And SJP? She’s almost as iconic as Anna herself when it comes to the Met Gala.  I hope to see a headdress and extreme overdressing to the max, but more than anything I hope she brings Andy Cohen as her date.  We all know he’s the god I pray to each night before I go to bed.

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