Most of the time, a show can seem to go on forever. Or they sometimes fall flat for a few episodes and you phase out a bit (not me though, I watch it all). Bravo has a few of these shows (looking at you Beverly Hills) but I don’t think Vanderpump Rules has ever been accused of being too much. In fact, it always feels like I want more.
Tonight thought I just wanted it to stop. The last twenty minutes were physically painful, both listening to Scheana and Shay and watching the other cast members faces. But I digress, let’s start from the beginning and then rush to the hell that is Scheana and Shay.
Andy’s first question is “Stassi, are you dating anyone?”
Andy, we know this answer to this, she told us all 3000 times. You are a cruel, cruel man.
We start with a trip down memory lane aka the woodsy elegant isle.
The wedding was actually pretty, I just will never forgive her for that theme name.
We’ve touched on the fact the Katie and Bubba Tom are definitely married and have not yet broken up, but we are going to go deeper into the big day and the days leading up. First, the bachelor/bachelorette party. I think it’s a sweet idea if people want to do joint parties, but only if they all get along. Let’s be honest, these people might seem like they get along, but that’s only because half of them have hooked up with Kristen and have that in common.
No, sorry, shant. Without Kristen seducing them all, these people are not really friends.
I mean, I don’t know how LA works, so maybe they are super close. I’m positive they are closer than any Housewives cast, but if you are so close, why would you think confront the groom about past indiscretion while intoxicated and with the bride would be a good idea?
Turns out I’m right, it’s not a good idea, and it did not go over well as we all know. We’ve never heard of Kristen and Katie hooking up, but she seems a little too obsessed with Katie and helping her talk to her fiancé. I’m not sure if she does want them to get married.
Regardless, this opens an entire can of worms at the reunion, a can that has been opened for the last several seasons. Did Bubba cheat? Katie seems unsure, but says she has moved on, but is still hurt and wants an apology.
I know I have heard an apology. Honestly, I’d now like an apology for how much I’ve had to hear about this drama regarding an apology. Katie, you obviously don’t care too much about or your wouldn’t have married him. Have you moved on or haven’t you? It’s been five years, Schwartz says he was so intoxicated he couldn’t possibly have cheated (alcohol saved the day!) and Katie is still upset he didn’t apologize in the way she would prefer. Kristen is happy she helped them get through this. No, Kristen, that isn’t what happened here.
And then Andy gets shady and asks if people think Tom cheated? He asks Jax what he knows, which his story changes every day and I can’t believe we are still citing Jax as a reliable source.
Also, is there no camera man who was there filming and sober and could tell us what happened? They probably weren’t filming then, but I’m still sure one of these fools were vain enough to be filming.
Tom Sandoval, aka the guest host this reunion who is hijacking most of the questions from Andy, asks why Kristen felt this was a good idea to bring this up. Kristen tells him stop defending Schwartz and pretending to be his bodyguard (which I think he would enjoy way to much) and says the ladies were helping with Katie and Bubba’s fights because they know how to handle Katie….would you not think Tom, the affianced husband to be, would know how to handle his wife?
Kristen, I hate you. Find something better to do with your time.
Oh god, never mind.
In the middle of all of this we turn towards the Jax apology to Stassi. I can’t watch Brittany rewatch this. He cries to Stassi about hurting her, but demands sandwiches from Brittany? To weird, but I’m sure Brittany is too clueless to be bothered.
Then we talk about Lisa giving the two love birds a pep talk that seemed to have saved the engagement. The engagement that was two weeks away from being a marriage Seriously, you just don’t stop screaming at each other and hating the other persons existence in two weeks. Why she would encourage these two, I still don’t know. Oh wait….
We have some sweet moments about Sandoval crying on the dog, Sandoval crying about Bubba being a battered wife, Sandoval crying about the triplets, Sandoval crying when Lisa offered to be partners…really, this man has a lot of emotions.
Then we veer to James Kennedy’s show and how the rest of the cast came to ruin his “career”. Kristen does not deny coming to the show with bad intentions, so at least she’s honest. Lisa feels sorry for James, you fired him lady. And James starts telling Kristen to shut up. Kristen loves his hatred and tells us he’s so heated because he had a vodka soda at lunch.
Are we really blaming James’ outburst on a vodka soda? You people drink 24’7, there is no way one vodka soda made James lose his shit on Kristen. In fact, he didn’t lose his shit, but once Kristen said vodka soda, everyone looks at him like he has committed one of the seven deadly sins.
We also discuss who will get married next, and Ariana and Tom get all lovey dovey, which would be annoying, except we get to watch Kristen’s facials watching her ex bf be insanely happy.
It’s determined that Kristen may be the next to get married, but only if she tricks Carter. Her joke, not mine.
Instead of staying on the lighter topics of Katie’s drinking, James’ drinking or the potential of Katie and Bubba’s marriage failing, Andy feels it’s time to talk about an marriage that actually failed. Cue Scheana and Shay.
Yes, I know the gif isn’t appropriate considering what we are talking about, but I never promised I’d be nice. I really don’t know how I’m going to get through this meeting between Scheana and Shay, but I will. Mike Shay comes out on stage and Scheana is already crying, maybe due to the fact they haven’t seen each other for four months.
Scheana reveals that Shay was back to doing drugs and Shay reveals that Scheana saying that on TV was her telling his family and the world he had a problem.
He wishes she would have tried to help him instead of make it a story line. She says she wishes he hadn’t lied and ghosted her and she wanted to hurt him.
Scheana also tells us that a few months into the marriage, Shay had a sexting relationship with a woman across the country.
During all of this, Scheana is touching up her makeup neurotically, causing Andy and Lisa to scold her like a small child. She says she’s very uncomfortable….we all are! I would turn this off, but I know good TV when I see it and I’m a sucker for punishment.
Then Shay says he can’t follow her or any of the friends because he misses her so much and he didn’t want to know who the new guy was. Scheana reveals he already follows him, and we see they all know each other.
When Andy asks if Shay is dating he says “No, I’m still technically married”.
Usually these people are talking over each other the entire show, no one is speaking now, but editing was kind enough to show all of their facials the entire time.
Shay says he still loves Scheana, but her lifestyle ruined them. He claims she wanted to party and he wanted to stay away from that scene and I’d just like everyone to remember that Scheana wouldn’t even take a green tea shot, so I doubt she was wanting to go out raging, sir.
Shay reveals that Scheana waited for the cameras to actually tell him she wanted a divorce.
I mean, I knew these people were low, but I didn’t know they were that low.
Through this entire thing, Shay really isn’t speaking too clearly and is mumbling a lot, and can’t defend that he cheated on her and ghosted her for days at a time. Shay thinks this marriage ended a few months ago, Scheana thinks it ended a few months after the wedding.
Shay leaves and gives Scheana a long hug and says he will always be there for her.
Honestly, hands down the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever watched, and I watched Alison Williams as Peter Pan in the live action play and I was present when Aviva threw her leg on the table in New York.
Just when I thought I’d seen it all.
So we end on a lighter note, with Pumptinis in hand and Lisa saying she loves everyone. Even Stassi?
I am sorry to say I wasn’t paying attention and did not see if James had a drink in hand…but we can imagine he did.