Before I begin, I’d like everyone to know I have never been to a festival so this is the perspective of an outsider looking in and not someone who would actually know what they’re talking about.

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Now that that’s out of the way, congrats to everyone who survived Coachella!  Congrats to those who attended and took/drank anything in sight and lived to tell the tale and congrats to those of us whose Insta stories were over saturated with glitter.  We all deserve a round of applause.

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Last year, the flower crown began it’s tour around the world, helping us mark every festival and wedding with a big “THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN IN 2016” sticker.  I know we say the 2000’s were intense with polos, middle parts and jean skits, but that flower crown is to 2017 what Abecrombie was to middle school.

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So, let’s take a look at the trends that kicked off this years festival season and (hopefully) replaced the flower crowns…god, I feel bad for the one girl who probably showed up in a flower crown thinking she was going to fit in.

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4. Avatar Faces:  I’m not knocking the face stickers, I’m just letting who ever came up with this know, I see where your inspo came from.  I didn’t even see Avatar and the first thing I thought was that the sequins under your eyes thing looked like it came from James Cameron’s head if he was designing a fashion line.  The second thing I thought was Kesha.

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I really cant wait to hear the story about the girl who super glued these on.

3. Kylie Jenner’s Hair: This one is just what Kylie did for Coachella.  People will think this is a color trend, but I am here to stop this before it goes too far.  Kylie has an entire team of people dedicated to her hair and probably is wearing a wig.  Don’t damage your hair so you can look like a highlighter for a day.

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Kylie is just using this moment to remind us all that she ruined the aesthetic of Kimberly’s wedding and left her hair green.  This isn’t original Kylie, your hair is always a different color.  Do better.

Side Note: Ariel Winter did highlighter hair too, making sure we don’t forget about her when we finally cast a movie about the Kardashian/Jenner clan.

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2. No Pants Dance: This was just hurtful actually,  There are some of us at home pretending to work on our bikini bod and eating cheese fries and there are some of you who never lost your bikini bod and decided that your should flaunt your thigh gap more than I thought possible and wore bikini bottoms as pants.  Seriously, how did you all come up with this?

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Ah, I see.  Well thanks a lot festival folk, you show off your bikini ready bods, I am going to try and find a way to avoid working out per usual.

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1. GLITTER HAIR: I can’t hate on this, I just can’t.  I will actually be disappointed if I am not asked to be a bridesmaid this year and this is not incorporated into our looks somehow.  Who doesn’t want to bathe in glitter?

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I saw more people pouring glue in their hair and decoration their scalps than I actually saw snaps of the performances.  Hell there were even trucks that came to help people get glittered up and fix whatever mess they made of their hair before the left their AirBnB.

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I cannot confirm or deny that the reason people were so into the glitter was because it was laced with cocaine.

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