I have a confession to make.  I know, right off the bat, super aggressive, but I need to be honest.  Most of you weren’t reading this blog in it’s early days so you may not know that at one point I did in fact recap Vanderpump Rules.  For a few episodes actually, until The Bachelor started and I was forced to make a choice, and I left my Vanderpump recaps behind.

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I know, I am ashamed of myself too.  I chose Nick Viall over something that was on Bravo and featured Lisa Vanderpump, two of my favorite things.  But I will pass blame and say you all seemed to be way bigger fans of the Bachelor recaps, and two hours of Bachelor to recap is a lot of work.  But I am sorry.

But I am back!  I’ve decided that I can pay homage to Vanderpump by at least recapping the reunions which promise to be fascinating.  So, let’s dive in (I have a bed time on Mondays now, no late night recaps for me).

I know that this entire episode is about how Lala shouldn’t have fat shamed Katie and the bullies shouldn’t have ganged up on Scheana, but I have to take a moment to talk about the fashion choices on this reunion.  Arianna wins Best Dressed, with Scheane getting Best New Hair and Stassi and Kristen being absolutely forgetful. Katie and Brittany….

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I seriously don’t know what to say.  I think they both wore something they liked and didn’t even think about the possibility of it looking bad on television.  This is the difference between a housewife who has money and can hire people and the servers at Pump. I wonder if they thought they were going to be treated like housewives when they signed up for this.

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Another difference is that the housewives get pretty and comfortable looking sofas and these fools have to sit in bar stools.  I have to assume that Andy doesn’t spend nearly as much time filming with these peasants.

Andy greets everyone and we realizes there are pretty much 30 people at this reunion, the hellos seem to go on forever, long enough for Andy to forget who he has said hello to and forgets Kristen.  If Crazy Kristen was here she’d have gotten a hello.

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We also check in on Scheana who reveals she is doing well and has new hair and a new man.

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It all starts off with the seasons opening drama: Kentucky Muffin Gate.  While I expect this will get its own episode, Andy just allows Jax to tell his story once again, lets James Kennedy chime in with a comment about how Kristen likes to hook up with people when her current bf is nearby and allows Kristen and Brittany to deny the entire thing.  Jax still thinks it happened and expresses no remorse for starting the rumor.

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Seriously, we spend possibly 10 minutes on this, probably less and we move on.  What else could be more important than finding out if Jax made up this rumor?

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Ah yes, James Kennedy.

We move on to James Kennedy’s (seriously can’t just call him James) many indiscretions.  James maintains that he did not hook up with GG….and I realize that GG spells her name like that.  Not Gigi, but GG.  What does that stand for?  Gertrude Grace?  Seriously, I need some background on this girl, but I don’t want her to get the wrong idea and think we are actually interested in her.

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Arianna and Lala reveal that GG has said to multiple people that she would “fight or fuck” anyone to get on this show, and the room seems truly shocked.  I guess there is a difference between moving to L.A. for fame and getting a tv show where you look like a fool and being someone who moves to L.A. to get a serving job in hopes of meeting people and having sex with them to become a story line of a show.

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Next, Andy reveals Lala is here and these girls actually seem shocked.  Ladies, she was on the show for most of the season and played a pivotal role in most of the drama, Andy wasn’t letting her stay home.

Lala comes out ready to fight and Katie, Kristen and Stassi are ready to fail once again at proving they aren’t mean girls.  Now, I know Lala is crazy and said nasty things, but somehow those three witches cannot wrap their head around the fact that they were terrible too. I know I won’t be the only one to say this, but the resemblance is uncanny.

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Scheana, of course, is not to be forgotten and reminds these girls that she was mean to Lala because she was afraid of them.  Of course, before she finishes that thought, the three amigos start screaming over each other to scream at her so I am sure she will soon come to realize they only have the best intentions.

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But seriously, Stassi and Kristen just need a reason to remain relevant and that’s keeping Katie bitchy and feeding that fire.  And the genius of the group is Tom Sandoval for seeing this first.  All people want is Crazy Kristen and a Stassi that is a bit entertaining and we got none of that this season.  Stassi was a biatch and not a fun one and Kristen was just boring.  I know they’ll never get kicked off this show, but can someone tell them we don’t care about their relationship or lack there of?

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We also learned that Brittany and Jax have switched apartments.  I really missed why this was an important revelation as I was flipping back and forth to make sure I didn’t miss my girl Erika Jayne on Dancing with the Stars, but we did find out that Jax may or may not have lost his cool and gotten them evicted from their previous apartment.  It seems Brittany told the story poorly though and they moved out rather than got evicted, but the entire time Jax looked like her was trying to use his brain to shut her up.

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The most surprising revelation of the night is that James Kennedy is funny.  I know Kristen claims to be the comedian, but it’s actually James.  Really though, all his jabs were at himself which could have been why it was so funny, but it worked.  The best moment though was when Stassi accused James of being desperate to be on the show and James got on the floor and started begging, pretending to be Stassi begging to be let back on the show after her disastrous New York trip.

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Snaps for James Kennedy.

Mixed in with all of this was, as always, the Katie vs Lala feud that never ends because neither of them really want it to.  I mean, what else would these people have to talk about?

After some yelling and more interventions from Tom Sandoval than usual, Katie finally offers up the apology Lala has been waiting for and both women get a little teary eyed.  While I am thrilled these two finally grew a pair and admitted that calling each other a whore and fat are not appropriate ways to handle your anger, I see this lasting right up until next season.

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Next week it seems Jax and Brittany will be sharing some big news that is probably being built up and we will get to see more of Lala and hear about her married man drama.  And then it’s Scheana and Shay and I am actually getting hives just thinking about it.

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BRB (as in be back next week).