Half the reason I started this blog was so I could recap Game of Thrones.  Unfortunately, we still have three months left until the season premier and I am worried I wont make it with this blog.

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So, because I don’t trust myself to finish anything in live (except an entire large cheese pizza) I am going to recap what we know and what else I still need to know in hopes that it will keep me going and I will still want to talk you all in three months.  Good luck to me.

The trailer was, to be expected, a big fucking tease.  We are aware Jon, Cersei and Dany are alive so showing them walking down a hallways to sit on their own personal thrones shouldn’t be a big deal.  But it was.  And I have to attribute most of that to the bad ass song in the background, I always forget how insane the music is in this show.

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But other than that, we get nothing.  So now I have to think back on last season and what we know and what I want (but know I will never get because this show loves to kill my joy and make me happy they did so).

10.  Red Bitches :We now have a few Red Witches swarming Westoros and I can’t say I like it.  Ever since I had to watch Melisandre birth that weird shadowy thing of death, I haven’t been a fan.  Then she killed that poor little girl and I wanted her dead immediately.  Little did I know that she is 1000 years old and doesn’t seem to be able to die, but I should have known by then that those I hate the most haunt this show forever.

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No, not the Lord of Light, don’t believe in that shit they are peddling.

Luckily, she stuck around to save Jon Snow and now has peaced out since being outed on her killing streak.  But, of course, now Daenerys has gotten herself a Red Witch, so we can assume shit is going to hit the fan again and all the witches are going to get together for a witch conference.

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9. The Greyjoys:  Literally, do not care about them at all, but since they are helping Dany out (supposedly) we kind of have to care about them.  Their story line has been the biggest snoozefest thus far, but I have a feeling something crazy will happen with them, like Yara getting the Iron Throne, so they are going to make the list.  That idea may shock you, but that’s what these writers want, for you not to like what they decide.  So don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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Also, Euron, the weird uncle who now rules the Iron Islands I think is now in charge so I expect he will be headed for the Iron Throne shortly, giving us one other low life to worry about with only two seasons left.

8.White Walkers, Winter and the Wall: I think we all know by now that when these idiots jabber on about Winter coming they really mean war, but they feel fancier saying the former. And no one has a better army built up than the White Walkers, and they love Winter.

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But, luckily for us, the wall is there to protect the rest of the seven kingdoms from those creeps. Unfortunately, during Bran’s laziest of days, he decided to visit the White Walkers in his vision and now has given them the ability to pass the wall’s magic. Or just tear it down which seems like a huge production that would take up and entire scene and therefore seems highly probable.

7. Daario: Daario better not be done.  We know there is a possibility Dany can marry Jon, even thought they are related (but let’s pray they aren’t disturbed like the Lannisters). I am not saying she can marry Daario, but he is the closest thing she has come to love since Khal Drogo and he is a hottie.  These writers have a habit of killing off all the eye candy on this show so I am not holding my breath that he will survive or even return, but I am starting a petition that he should.  And I think there are a lot of people out there who feel the same.

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Your move, HBO.

6. The Three Eyed Raven aka Boring Bran: I know, I know.  He’s a stark and should be higher! But really, he shouldn’t.  Bran has had several seasons now to figure out how to see the past and he has danced around the memory of Jon Snow’s paternity for years and I am fed up.

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I don’t even blame the writers for this, I blame Bran’s lack of effort.  Either show us what we think we already know, or just die already. Not all the Starks can live and their are three or four of you left, so hurry up.

5. The Return of Tyrion: Okay, a lot is going to happen this season or else this would be way higher.  We probably all have dreamt about the return of Tryion and his sister’s reaction.  She probably knows that her baby brother is alive, but does she know that he is a dragon whisperer?

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The day Tryion finally returns to Kings Landing is the day when all the seven hells break lose.  They can take our Rob, they can take our Hodor, but they cannot take the Tryion.  The only sad part about his return is that he already killed his father, his reaction would be just as priceless as Cersei’s I bet. But maybe not as priceless as seeing him get shot on the pot, so no regrets there.

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Also, do we think there is a possibility that Tryion could end up sitting on the Iron Throne?

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4. Stark Sisters:  Okay, sorry, but they are getting grouped together.  Why?  Because you know they both can’t live.  Those of you who are lying to yourselves and think they can, go watch the Red Wedding again and then come back and tell me these writers aren’t twisted AF.

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Re-watch at your own risk.

So, that being said, I think one of our sisters won’t make it out alive, and my money is on Arya.  Hear me out.  Arya has a list of people she is slashing through and, not only is no one on this show lucky enough to survive all that, she also is becoming pretty messed up in the head and is bound to make a mistake.  And while I know we want her to kill Cersei, Jamie is supposed to be responsible for that, so I am guessing Arya loses to her and Jamie finishes his lover/sister off.

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And while we love Arya and know she is a bad ass, the true bad ass has become Sansa who had to date Joffery and then be raped by Ramsey for an entire season.  I think it is about time we cut Sansa a break…but actually, in this world, death might be the preferable option.

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3. Weddings: Okay, lots of thoughts about potential weddings this season.  First, Cersei is trying to take control of the world and may want to find an ally.  Which could mean husband.  Her brother/boyfriend is out because he’s finally realized she’s insane (and is going to have to kill her according to the prophecy).  Jon Snow most likely isn’t going to be interested after all the shit she’s done to his family. And that leaves, in my opinion, Euron Greyjoy.  Come on, doesn’t that make sense?

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And let’s not forget everyone’s favorite wedding theory, Jon Snow and Dany.  I guess, for me personally, it weirds me out that she could be marrying her nephew, but after seven seasons of this shit, I need to get on board.  I don’t think Daario would like that, but he’s no Khal or King of the North, so get over yourself, biatch.

And, although she’s already been married a few times before, I think Sansa deserves a nice man for once.  And if Dany and Jon are related, that means he and Sansa are just cousins who were raised as siblings (sort of) and they could be together.

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2. Gentry: I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS, THIS STORY LINE HAS BEEN DRIVING ME NUTS FOR THREE DAMN SEASONS SO HE IS SECOND ON MY LIST.

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Gentry has been missing for THREE seasons I need to know where he is and how he plays into this.  My guess?  Weirdo Jorah finds him and brings him back to Wesoros to date our girl Dany.  Or to throw his hat in ring for the Iron Throne since he is Robert Baratheon’s actual kid! Knowing HBO, I will never hear another word about Gentry, but at least tell me he’s dead.  I will not let this story line go until I have proof that it is over.

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The Writers:

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And scene.

1. The (UGLY) Iron Throne: So we have a lot of people about to fight for this throne.  Why, I don’t know.  All it’s ever done is make people crazy or get them killed.  If I were these idiots I’d go chill with that rose queen for the rest of my life and marry Tryion.

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Anywho, there are several ways this can go.  And I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened every single way we think because you know someone will win the throne and get killed, over and over and over again.

First, there is Cersei who could easily shock us all and win.  I know we are all hoping for a happy ending, but let’s be realistic people.  Nothing about this show has shown any signs of happiness (except Drogo and Dany and Tryion’s jokes) so I think we need to prepare ourselves for Cersei staying Queen.

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There is also Dany.  I know people think they want this, but didn’t Dany say she would never have children?  And if she doesn’t have children, aren’t we back here in another 30 years?  I know she consider’s her dragons her babies, but that’s not going to work in the long run.

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Jon is another candidate and I guess this makes me the happiest, except Jon doesn’t want it. Jon wants to avenge his family as quickly as possible and then go be a farmer or something.  He doesn’t care about the power and even if he get’s the throne, he’s going to peace out as soon as possible.  Think about how he acted with the Nights Watch.  Lazy, that’s how he acted.

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My money is on, you guessed it, Sansa and Gentry.  Wouldn’t that be sweet?  That’s probably why it’s not going to happen but Sansa has had a terrible life and I think Gentry could make her as happy as that girl could possibly be.

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Dammit, you too?  What the hell are you all still doing here?  I guess then the theory of Tryion getting the throne is more probably, just because no one else cares.

I am not mentioning the White Walkers or the Greyjoys getting the throne because if it’s the White Walkers they will just kill everyone and if it’s the Greyjoys I will kill everyone.  Not good outcomes, therefore, let’s avoid them.

Cheers to a new season of Game of Thrones being closer than ever.  To those of you still alive, might I just say….

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