Hello Bachelor Nation,

FYI, tonight’s post will be a contribution of like minded people.  I have had more wine than usual and helped with the first Bachelor viewing party at my boyfriend bar (since he loves me and doesn’t want me auditioning for the show) and so this is going to be rough to get through.  All I can hope for is this snow storm to turn a little more towards Chicago and then I can sleep in tomorrow instead of wasting my energy with you all.

But, since New York has all the fun, the snow storm didn’t give us those extra inches we all needed.  Oh well.  We still got our miracle in that we finally made it to the end of this shit show.  The end of a season that had nothing to do with Nick and everything to do with Bachelor in Paradise.

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Raven and the Vialls

Let’s just start out with the fact that a) I am going to miss specific quotes because of the noise decibel in the room (bite me) and b) if we think I’m bored, his family looks about ready to shoot themselves.  Nick’s dad tells America that the family “has a little bit of emptiness in our hearts for him” and I wonder how they let this go so far.

I can see where Nick gets his mumbling from, his dad is saying so much shit under his breath.

This is going to prove to be the most anticlimactic date of the season because, similar to Raven professing her love nick and forgetting it, Raven seems to forget she has met Nick’s parents before.  I don’t know how, she watched an entire youth soccer game with them without making eye contact and that takes a lot of concentration, those are long.

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There are a lot of people who are skeptical of this process, and most of those people have the last name Viall. After four years, you would think these people would have developed a thick skin when it came to their unlovable son and the scrutiny of national television, but apparently not.  Nick’s dad says this process has even been “excruciating” at times and I wonder to myself what he is referring to.  Being on national tv? Watching your son get rejected two times? Or the sheer agony of watching someone you raised, loved and nurtured take a shit on love three times in a row.

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Nick’s family gather to greet Raven, all twenty of them.  I swear, none of Nick’s siblings look alike, it makes me curious if the older ones have had a lot of plastic surgery, or if when you get up to 10 kids, they start looking less alike. Whatever the case, Raven should feel confident as she has already won over the matriarch of the Viall clan, Bella.

Yes, Nick’s sister Bella is the most mature out of all of these people, she probably is auditioning to be on the show as we speak.  Someone stop her, I’m not sure her parents will.  Nick’s dad still seems to be holding to some piece of hope for this process, while his mother is either high or on the verge of tears the entire time.  I’m not trying to be rude, but seriously, was the woman crying the minute she walked into her Finnish log cabin? Her eyes are completely watered over the entire time.

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Raven takes about five minutes to convince Nick’s family that she loves them and it takes about four minutes for them to believe that she could be the woman for Nick.  She is calm, polite and mature, all the things that parents could want in a fourteen child.

Nick’s dad makes pokes fun at his own sun saying that “given his track record, he’s not the greatest” at finding love.  Super awkward, but not untrue.

Vanessa and the Vialls

Vanessa arrives to the Viall’s new winter cabin that ABC probably promised them if they came back just one more time, and, is it just me or does she seem uninterested in even hugging Nick. Maybe I am just looking for red flags that just aren’t even there.

Where Raven enjoyed her date and wanted it to be as easy and light as possible, Vanessa wants to make sure Nick’s family knows that she is a feeling and emotional person and that this is just as much her choice as it is Nick’s. For people who expressed concern over the woman Nick chooses not wanting him back, this probably is the last conversation they want to have. They also probably don’t enjoy the forceful tone Vanessa takes when she says “I am from Canada, I have a large family and I love them very, very much”.  We get it girl, you aren’t leaving Canada. I’m not sure after this these people want him back anyway.

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Sorry, Canada.  But she is really giving you all a bad name.

She starts telling Nick’s family the story of their first one-on-one date and the minute she begins to tell them about how she felt like throwing up, she starts crying, possibly about the beauty of the moment? I honestly wanted to shoot myself right about here, Vanessa seems to think everything is a sign, including her vomit. When will this girl just realize that this is a TV show.  Whatever is orchestrated, like you make out session after vomiting, does not signify your actual compatibility.

Vanessa goes to talk to Nick’s mom first and, I never saw it before but I see it now, these two are the same woman.  They barely sit down before Vanessa starts telling her all the reasons she does not want to marry her son and she starts crying with the beauty of her rejection.  It all makes sense, while most men would run from the river Vanessa produces with her tears, Nick finds it comforting, all because he has swam through his mother’s emotional roller coaster time and time again.

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Vanessa then makes sure to reiterate that she loves a good compromise, but that she isn’t sure she would accept Nick’s proposal if he asked her.  She needs answers to a lot of questions that I don’t even remember after two episodes now of them being a key focal point…who does that say more about?

Nick’s mother wishes her well and hopes she “gets the answers she’s looking for”.

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Then Vanessa is with papa Viall.  I have to say that after three season’s together and even seeing each other a few weeks back and a few minutes ago, I still tend to forget what this man looks like.  That will all change now because I don’t think I will ever forget the image of Vanessa and Nick’s dad softly weeping together. Just because she loves Nick so much?  I really couldn’t say, mostly because I I was too shocked to follow anything else, but also because I’m on my third glass of wine. #priorities

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Vanessa tells Nick’s dad she “takes this VERY seriously”….so seriously she came on national television to find love.

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Ps.  I heard the word compromise once this entire date, never heard the word traditional. Bravo, Vanessa.

The Viall Family Verdict

After seeing the maturity of Raven and witnessing first hand the emotional roller coaster ride that is Vanessa, Nick’s parents of course are a huge fan of…..Vanessa??  Who would have thought that Vanessa’s acting classes in good old Canada would have paid off this much?  To be fair, they did like Raven, but it was Vanessa who they felt loved Nick and who moved Nick’s mom to tears just talking about her.

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While they love Vanessa, they are nervous because Nick’s mom feels like “he doesn’t even want to make a decision”.  Lady, you raised this kid, take credit for the mess you made.

Nick’s dad is worried “we”will be left at the proposal alter once again and Nick’s chosen fiancé will reject him.  I am assuming he means “we” as in his family, but I also think he considers Bachelor Nation a part of his family at this point. I certainly know I sometimes feel like the Viall’s redheaded step child.

At this time, Chris Harrison shows up again, making sure we see him more this episode than the entire season.  He really seems to be getting a sick sort of pleasure from Nick’s family’s skepticism and wants the audience to join in on who thinks Nick will choose Raven, Vanessa or be left alone.  Very few people think Raven, everyone thinks Vanessa, and some of the audience seem to act like the “left at the proposal alter” joke is being taken too far.  When did everyone become so damn sensitive on this show??

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Vanessa’s Final Date: The Naught and Nice List

It’s time for Vanessa and Nick’s final day together, the last day they can resolve all of the issues they have been referring to.  Will they?  I find that highly doubtful.

Nick seems somber as he approaches the day, saying “there are no guarantees at this point” as opposed to up until now where people stayed just for a chance at Paradise or the Bachelorette.  That’s actually a valid point, Nicholas. He also says “this is a two way street more than any other week”….I’m sorry, but where the women being kept against their will before? When was this not a two way street.  Someone needs to get a hold of one of these non disclosure agreements so we can see what these women are being put through.

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Vanessa and Nick first go on a horse ride through the hills of Rovaniemi.  Beautiful setting, another complicated name that sounds quite a lot like Bimini.  I wish I had been able to enjoy the horse ride as much as Vanessa and Nick seemed to be, but viewing it from the GoPro squashed between their legs was not the angle I was looking for, what’s wrong with you, ABC?

Vanessa and Nick arrive at a small small small cottage, and not on the door to greet their host.  Now, I have to fess up to knowing who it was the minute they said Rovaniemi because, conveniently the “Visit Rovaniemi” twitter page liked one of my posts today and claimed to be the official hometown of Santa Claus.  I always was led to believe Santa lived in the North Pole, but I was happy to see why this small town was liking my Bachelor posts earlier in the day.

So yes, Santa opens the door and ushers Nick and Vanessa into he’s tiny house.  Vanessa’s reaction looks something like this.

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Whereas Nick’s is similar to the below.

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Nick either did not think this was the real Santa or he was not a believer in Santa Claus as a child.  If that’s the case, I really hope he didn’t ruin it all for Bella.

I am happy to say that Santa is not as fooled by the bright lights of Hollywood like these two and does not take this opportunity to get his fifteen minutes of fame by showing us his work shops.  He knows we don’t have fifteen minutes to spare with the way this show works.  He does ask Nick and Vanessa what they want for Christmas, Nick wanting love and Vanessa wanting “to be happy”.

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I am telling you, this girl get’s her lines from somewhere every time. I don’t even consider myself a member of the Beyhive, but I have to hope they have caught on to this snake if I did.

Vanessa is happy with how the day went because  “it’s nice to know that Santa Claus sees and believes in a future’ for sure and Nick.  Santa presents Nick and Vanessa with a plaque with their faces on it, representing something really boring and fertility.

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I would hope that was Santa’s way of scaring Nick off, but either she didn’t tell him or the passion is just too strong for him.

The next meeting of the minds between Nick and Vanessa has to be one of the most awkward and painful conversations in Bachelor history.  Vanessa, like every other time we talk to her, is “struggling”.  She acts like she is above this waiting and non committal responses from Nick, when in fact this is exactly what she signed up for.

Before letting thinks get too heavy, Nick and Vanessa have a quick make out session where Nick decides to keep his gloves on in hopes of not leaving finger prints.

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Seriously, what is with this guy?

Vanessa also finds Nick’s answers to be very general, to which Nick reiterates that he has had his heart broken before and is protecting himself.  Production has also made it clear that he needs to make sure both relationships look believable and not to pull a Higgins.  He says he is very careful with his heart and I would just like to call bullshit right now.  No one can be called careful with their heart after going on a dating show four times.  That’s being reckless and desperate.

When Vanessa asks Nick if he is ready to propose at the end of the week he says “the week’s not over”.

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He says that he doesn’t want to give it too much thought with two people here.

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Vanessa says this makes everything less romantic and he says “that’s a matter of prospective”.

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Nick has seemed to finally put on his big boy pants and is standing up to Vanessa, but is he seriously with some of these answers? Like, you can’t say that shit to the woman you are going to propose to the next day.  Sassy Nick still defends himself and says that he is being romantic if he chooses her over someone else and doesn’t want to “de…un…derom…. make it less romantic” for the woman at the end.  Yes, that stutter did happen, it was not for dramatic effect.

Then the two love birds make out while Vanessa cries.  Seriously, they are kissing as she is profusely crying.  So romantic.  And while this kiss may be in the running for one of the most awkward reality TV kisses of all time, the top spot will never be touched.

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Never forget.

Raven and Nick’s Final Date:

I just have to say, Raven must have listed on her application “loves any form of skating” and that’s what got her this far.  Not that I don’t love Raven, but she’s better than Nick and should have gone home long ago.  Instead, Nick kept her for the sole purpose of being able to go on a skating date at a moments notice. He thinks he is so talented, it’s almost sad.

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He continued to do all of the creative and interpretive dance movements again and ABC even treated us to Kiss Me once again.  Calling it now, he will be dancing to Kiss Me at least once on this seasons Dancing with the Stars.

I am going to hate myself later for saying this, but when Nick doesn’t speak and is acting goofy, I sometimes find him oddly attractive.

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Raven and Nick have the super awkward and not at all fake conversation of “I hoped your parents liked me” and “how could they not have liked you?”  Raven, they liked Vanessa more, I am sorry.  Nick tells her it would have taken his parents a lot for them to not have liked her, making an unconvincing argument for them genuinely liking her.  Also, would beating your ex with a stiletto qualify as taking it too far?

Nick then lifts the tension by bringing out husky/wolf puppies and America can be heard round the world sighing.  Nothing fixes an awkward convo like puppies and Raven, with tears in her eyes, calls this the happiest day of her life.  She then hopes that she and Nick’s babies are as cute as these puppies, just less hairy, and ruins the moment for everyone.  Raven wants children with this man??

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Raven says from here on out she is calling him her fiancé…so for the next 24 hours she will be saying that over and over again to herself to mentally prepare.

The evening portion of the date consists of Raven using her favorite word hesitation again, assuring Nick that she does not in anyway shape or form have any doubts about this evening. You really should honey, you’re setting yourself up. Compared to Vanessa’s date, this entire thing lasts about ten minutes to Vanessa’s 35.

The Proposal

Our good friend Neil Lane is here and I have to say it is a lovely feeling knowing that we got two doses of Neil this season.  Let us not forget that Jasmine brought him for her limo exit, I wonder if she threatened him to come with choking him?

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Neil can only stay for a moment, but boy does he try and stay memorable saying “I hope this one works!” It’s not original, but it’ll do Neil.  It’ll do.  Nick and Neil also look at rings and Nick asks what cut each ring is.  Nick, are your trying to tell us that you don’t know ring cuts by now?  You could be a jeweler with all the diamonds you have studied, you must be a moron.

Raven studies her hand the entire day, wanting to go to bed tonight wearing her ring.  Vanessa studies her cleavage the entire day, probably wondering if she’ll get a boob job out of all of this.

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Waiting in the ugliest proposal ceremony room in Bachelor history is Nick. I am sorry, but who designed this space? The gaudy seasons in the 2000’s were better than this shit.  Nick looks nervous and is not looking forward to breaking someones heart this time around, and also fears rejection. Someone finally sees how the other shoe fits, maybe should not have been so harsh on Andi and Kaitlin, hmm?

Raven is the first out of the limos SUVs and no one in America is shocked.  She is super sweet and quirky and funny, all the things Nick does not like in his women, it was never going to work.  Of course she is overly confident and has “no fears about getting engaged”. You should be afraid of getting humiliated though.

She does admit to being super nervous and asks Nick to help her by holding her hands.

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Nick, being the sadistic bastard he is, let’s her go through her entire speech about finding love and loving him and I want to cry for her, she is about to be so blind sided.  When Nick starts his breakup, it’s obvious that once she hears about how much he “respects her” she knows the jig is up.

Raven then proceeds to be the most level headed and polite rejected fiancé in the history of this show. Seriously, Nick cried more than her, talked more than her, you’d think for someone who was extremely confident 10 minutes ago, she’d be more upset. But no, Raven is nothing if not composed, she even hugged him and consoled him.

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Nick should stay alert though, if she reaches for that stiletto, he’s donzo.

Raven’s car ride is still composed and we pray she doesn’t go the “unlovable road” but she does.  She finds it to be impossible for someone to love her, that every man she’s been with has told he she has everything they’ve ever wanted, it just isn’t enough.  Obviously it wasn’t enough for the last guy, asshole cheated on you.  And you don’t really want Nick.  Don’t feel unlovable, Raven.  Chris Harrison is lining up the men for you in Paradise right at this moment.

We pan to the studio audience and there are people crying.  Is everyone in Bachelor Nation PMSing, why are you crying?

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Vanessa’s proposal starts the way every woman would wish, with her future groom talking about his exs and saying that he has resisted his love for Vanessa long enough, he’s not fighting it any more.

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Vanessa’s gut is talking to her once again and she’s confident Nick will propose, but isn’t sure she wants to be engaged.  More like production is talking to her and trying to make this interesting, quit faking it Vanessa, neither of you are into each other.

Nick and Vanessa bring back the old tradition of weird hand holding during significant conversations. Nick proceeds to begin crying immediately and starts to talk.  Once again people, Rose Ceremonies come at the end of the episode and THE BACHELOR IS SUPPOSED TO TALK LAST.  Stop trying to make this something it isn’t, it’s a fake proposal, no one cares.

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Nick talks about his feelings and Vanessa admits to being insane and talking too much, but she will try and listen. Seriously I wish I had passed out from wine now, because nothing these two are saying are genuine or interesting to me.  When Nick get’s down on one knee and asks Vanessa Grimaldi to marry him, for I minute I think he says Renaldi and that things are just about to get interesting.

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But, alas, no (but they do look alike, right??) We have now witnessed the most fake and boring proposal in Bachelor history…and that’s saying something.

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