If you are hoping for something uplifting or positive, you’ve come to the wrong place.  And you’re obviously watching the wrong season because this love is not real and it’s not pretty. It’s dark and the only positive thing that may come out of this are the gifs, and even they wont be able to save this ship from sinking.

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Chris Harrison opens up pretending to be happy that Nick has finally found love, even though we know he really wanted Nick to be rejected once again for his ratings. Chris also does his typical “we’ve got a big surprise in store for Bachelor Nation” and all I can do is yawn because we’ve heard this before and it’s creeping up on my bed time.

First we talk to Nick.  Chris makes a “4th times a charm” jab and Nick is done laughing at that joke.  I can’t lie, I couldn’t even force a laugh, that shit is tired, Chris. And it wasn’t a charm, this is all fake.  He didn’t find love, do you think we are stupid?

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While Chris obviously wants to talk about Vanessa (even Chris is avoiding Miss Nasty Pants) he first wants to address Raven.  Nick feels that one of his biggest struggles was knowing that whoever he sent home, he would relate more to than the winner since he never won. He would relate more to the devil, than Vanessa.

Before we can even blink, Chris is welcoming Raven out to sit with Nick. That seemed rushed, but whatever, I like Raven.  Raven looks great, but her hair is somehow a foot longer.  I know those gummy hair bears are a big deal but do they work that well? And do we want hair that long?

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The answer is no.

Raven is as sweet as pie (I wrote that with a southern twang, please read it back and add your own) and really wishes the best for Nick.  She has now had a chance to watch the show and is probably shocked with how terrible he and Vanessa’s relationships played out on TV and is thrilled that Nick didn’t pick her.  But she is happy for him and happy he didn’t get rejected.

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Well played Raven.  When you do it, it is funny.

She should be thrilled too because Chris Harrison has much more in store for her and invites her to Paradise. She gladly accepts, saying that “if Nick can go to Paradise and find love than I can too” reminding us all that Nick fell in love a few times in Paradise.

Now it’s time for Vanessa.

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I’m sorry, I’m going to struggle to get through this, work with me people.  Vanessa comes out and Chris points out that her entire family is here.  I am pleased to see that Trump didn’t watch this season and feel the need to put a travel ban on anyone related to Vanessa, I wouldn’t have totally blamed him.  Luckily, they have all made it into the country.

Vanessa uses this time to treat Chris Harrison and America like her fucking therapist.  I respect that she’s not trying to paint a happily ever after picture for us, but she is making me hate this show.  Chris states the obvious that Vanessa was a “hard sell” on this process and she admits that it would have helped if she had watched an entire season.

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Give me a break.  You didn’t watch a season?? You didn’t feel the need to watch a season? Didn’t have to be one of Nick’s season, dear lord.

Chris says he predicted some “knock down, drag out fights” and I wonder if he’s thinking of Stiletto Gate (sorry, can’t help myself).  Regardless, Vanessa assures him that they have huge fights and that there relationship is just as tumultuous as everyone thought it would be. She also says they have an open relationship…in terms of communication.  Chris Harrison’s heart nearly stopped when she paused like that, he already had his first bi contestant and first black Bachelorette, he isn’t ready for an open relationship story line.

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That idea he may entertain though.

Vanessa does have a problem with Nick “relating to the runners up more than the lead” and I wish someone had forced her to watch this show.  Maybe then she would know that she should refer to herself as the lead, she wasn’t the top billed person on this show. You aren’t up for an Emmy or a Globe, dumb butt.

She also tells us that they almost left Finland without getting each other’s phone numbers.  So crazy that you and your fiancé have yet to exchanged numbers yet, but I am sure someone would have passed along your information.

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Nick arrives and the Vanessa forces him into a long, passionless kiss.  This poor schmuck, all he wanted was for America to believe he was lovable and now he’s stuck pretending this is real for eight months.  They sit on the sofa and Nick leans as far away as possible from the evil sorceress who put a spell on him night one.  It’s too late for him, but luckily America caught on to her evil ways before it was too late.

When asked if they were getting married, they said they were “taking baby steps” and getting to know each other.  So you’re dating, that’s what that’s called. She also tells us that she will be moving to the U.S. and will be pursuing charity work….and an acting career I’d bet.

I wonder if this was how they broke the news to Vanessa’s family that she was moving?

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All in all, Vanessa looks like she is trying to put up a front and Nick looks defeated. I’m not sure Nick is ready for love, maybe he’ll be an old many when he starts popping out babies, that’s okay.  But it’s too late for him because Vanessa assures everyone she is only getting engaged and married once.  So unless she breaks up with him and elopes, she’s about to become a spinster, might as well force Nick to stay with you.  And it does seemed forced.  She keeps squeezing his hand and sending him looks, she is not letting him ruin this for her.

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Now it’s time for the lady of the hour, Rachel!  Stunning us once again with a jumpsuit that I want, feature a little cape number, she looks amazing. It’s such a breath of fresh air to see someone genuinely happy to be in this role, I hope ABC doesn’t ruin this for us.

Chris Harrison then reveals that it’s time for the Bachelorette to start!

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Yes, this is Chris’ big reveal, we are meeting four of the men vying for Rachel’s heart right now.  For the first time ever, I can finally say you shocked me Chris.

First gentleman is Damario.  Damn, he is hot.  And apparently rich because he bought them two flights to elope right now and skip all of this.  That’s a bit aggressive buddy, and maybe not Rachel’s style, but I do know a lady backstage who is probably itching to elope.

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Next is Blake….yuck.  I’m sorry to the male Blake’s reading my blog, but it’s a bad name.  Nothing you can do about it now, sorry. Blake to me looks like a brunette Chris Soules which is another strike against him.  He also seems to no have planned anything and admits to not knowing what he’s doing.  Sir, Rachel is the one being blindsided here, not you.

Then there is Dean who is pretty cute and tells us that once he goes black he’ll never go back.  Damn Dean, so much potential and you ruined it all.  Someone was going to make that joke though, I’m sorry it had to be you.

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It must be done.

I have no idea who the final guy was, he has odd teeth and recites something that totally confuses me, but Rachel the lawyer loves.  If she likes it, then I like it I guess.  What I do enjoy is the little dance session these two have with themselves, completely oblivious to the studio audience around them.  Teeth can be fixed, Rachel, keep this guy around.  If nothing else, he could be good competition for Nick on Dancing with the Stars.

In case you didn’t know this, two of the four men were black.  ABC is telling us now either “this is it for the diversity crowd” or “get ready”.  I am ready, ABC.  I am ready.

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Thanks for joining me for this season of the Bachelor and the beginning of my blog!! Come back in two months for the premier of Rachel’s season, I can’t promise it will be better, but I can promise it will be dramatic!