We have come to the end of a long long long season of the Bachelor and I have to admit, it has been one of the most entertaining seasons in a long time. If you are about to disagree with that statement, shut up and think about it for a minute. Last season was JoJo who we knew was picking Jordan Rodgers night one and brought a long three other idiots to her final four that you could barely tell apart. Nick was at least nice enough to help Vanessa stand out by eliminating Whitney and Astrid early on.
Then there was Ben’s season which, shocker, picked his number one girl night one and had to lie to America to make us think he even was interested in another woman. And then before that it was Kaitlin who kept Nick around too long and Andi who kept Nick around too long. At least with this season we didn’t have to see too much of Nick.
So now that I’ve convinced you I’m right and your wrong to think I’m not right (confused yet?), let’s revisit this seasons most annoying/amazing moments.
10. Jade and Tanner’s Maid of No Honor: It feels like years ago since we had to hear about Jade and Tanner’s wedding four times an episode, and yet not long enough. Liz left us week’s ago which finally gave her time to come up with an excuse as to why she didn’t call Nick, just in time for the Women Tell All. Hopefully, she learned that waiting to call your one-night-stand until fame and fortune are bestowed upon them is not a good look.
Nope, it seems she just learned to use feminism and self pity to her advantage. Bravo.
9. Give the Edit Credit: Let’s give credit where credit is due. The edit/production team was on point this season, making sure to show us the moments we didn’t even know we needed to see (like Corinne not walking through the automatic doors which I still can’t find a gif of) and the moments that they probably orchestrated, but we don’t care. There is no better example of this than when Raven told us 30 times in a row that she’d never had an orgasm….
And edit came up with this little montage after Nick fulfilled her needs….
While I have a theory they just asked this poor girl to run around Finland looking happy, and didn’t tell her this would be used to show how much better her life was after Nick “satisfied her”, I thoroughly enjoyed this manipulation. Well played.
8. Resting Bitch Face: If there was one story line more drawn out than Liz’s one-night-stand, it’s the Corinne and Taylor drama. And while we learned what emotional intelligence isn’t (does anyone have a clear definition yet?) we did learn that no matter how many degrees you have and how smart and mature you claim to be, most women will never be able to avoid resting bitch face.
Note to self, when I finally find my reality TV fame, beware of resting bitch face. Or just embrace it and don’t deny being a bitch like Taylor.
7. Beauty and the Beast Reboot: Dumb question maybe, but does Disney own ABC? I don’t know if Disney just realized half the millennial audience watched The Bachelor and this was a good marketing tool for everyone (see #5), but we saw more of Gaston this season than we did Chris Harrison. Between the Museum of Broken Relationships and the beast dating a bunch of beauties comparisons, I think Nick should pick up on the fact that even production isn’t even expecting a happily ever after.
6. The Demise of Rose Ceremonies: I don’t know whether to blame Chris Harrison disinterest in showing up to work or Nick’s lack of interest in finding a wife for the change in Rose Ceremonies. Probably a combination of both, but America has had it. There were probably five ceremonies total this year and all of them were at the beginning of the episode. Why, ABC? Why? And when we did decide to have a Rose Ceremony, who felt it necessary to make these women stand in the cold and shame them even more for showing up for another season about Nick?
You sick bastard.
5. Backstreet’s Back, Alright?: In case you ever forgot about Backstreet Boys, they are here to remind us and the generation of 22-year-old’s who have no idea who they are that they shall not be forgotten. ABC and the Bachelor paved the way for the Boys into the minds of all millennials and into the Las Vegas strip. Welcome back gentleman, I’ll be interested to see what kind of contract you signed with ABC to get this type of promoting. I expect you will be singing at the premier of Dancing with the Stars.
4. Nanny Diaries: Corinne introduced us to the concept of having a nanny at age 24 this season, and I can’t say I am judging her for it. I want a nanny, very badly. Although she says she meant the term as an endearment and didn’t want to say something like cleaning lady, I am definitely considering putting an ad in the newspaper for a nanny and seeing what happens.. Raquel has created a whole new job market, I hope she get’s credit for this. Or at least a vacation.
3. The Face of a Generation: The one good thing to come out of the whole Liz dramatics was Christen. I still don’t understand why she spells her name that way, but I honestly have stopped caring. Christen was all of us this season with her reactions and the camera was kind enough to capture it all. I look forward to seeing Christen not participate in the process again in Paradise and instead judge it.
Honorable mention for Hair of a Generation too, girl is going to be a mess in Paradise.
2. Voice of a Generation: For some, Corinne may have earned the top spot this season, but we all know who will be my number one. More on that later. First, let us honor Corn. Corn who showed America that champagne is meant to be chugged, not sipped.
Corn who showed us that food was our friend.
Corn who showed America that we should no longer be ashamed of wanting and needing a nap.
Thank you for service, Corinne. You somehow managed to be a villain, but a relatable villain. Genius. We will see you again in Paradise, Corinne. Small request, bring Raquel.
1. Alexis: Not much needs to be said here. People were quick to judge a girl who put “Aspirng Dolphin Trainer” as their profession, but you immediately proved your worth. You and Nick didn’t even have a connection, but he kept you for his own sanity and for ours. Thank you for all you have taught us this past season about sharks and dolphins.
About why the friend zone get’s you plenty of airtime on this show and is a good thing (looking at you Lacey).
About embracing what makes you different and special.
About not forgetting about certain pop culture events that are still months away.
And about the art of subtly.
Thanks to an amazing season, ladies. You made most of it bearable to watch, even with the fear of Nick about to crash the scene. I expect to see a lot of you in Paradise, you’ve earned it.
For my readers, don’t disappear on me when the season ends. We’ve got more in store in the week’s to come and will be back to celebrate Rachel in just eight weeks! Stick with me…please.