The Bachelor Uncategorized

The Bachelor: Raven vs Vanessa

Tonight is the night….


Sorry, it came to me and you should never suppress the Spice Girls. Anywho, tonight is the night we have all been waiting for so we know this shit is finally over and we know how Nick breaks up with whoever he chooses.  Because we know there is no way he is still with one of these ladies and he is not going to fake an engagement just for Dancing With the Stars.

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So who will he choose?  We have two very different women here.  One old, the other young. One who’s family watched Nick’s entire season and one who’s family had no idea there were multiple women on this thing.

Raven’s Pros

1. She’s got a banging body (when not wearing a swimsuit that resembles a diaper) and knows she needs to use her assets to her advantage to get to Nick’s hypothetical heart.

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2. She’s blunt. She does not mince words and she isn’t afraid of hurting Nick’s feelings.


3.  She also is extremely creative with her choice of words and analogies, guaranteeing that she will never be boring.


4. She knows the power of wine.  She knows that to get through a conversation with Nick, she will need to embrace wine and has already done so.


Vanessa’s Pro(there aren’t many)

1. She is exactly Nick’s type–brunette and stunning.  And her hair is flawless.  She was even pretty while puking.  It’s not fair, but it’s a pro on her list.

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2. She has a big heart.  No one can deny that her students don’t love her and she comes from a very responsible family.  Any family that questions this process has to be somewhat sane.

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Her family is kind of crazy too, but I can’t put family on a con list.

3. She does not take any bullshit from Nick.  She is so ready to break up with him if he makes the wrong move that, in fact, there is a theory that she did leave the island of Bimini and producers had to drag her back.


Raven Cons

1. She’s into mud.  There is no way that girl doesn’t have some kind of disease swimming around inside of her after seeing her role in the mud with Nick.  Pretty sure that Nick is really OCD about his clothes and hated this date.  I hated watching it.

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2. She’s got her priorities out of wack.  The girl said she was in a two year relationship with a guy who never made her O.  There is something decidedly wrong with that.  You faked it for two years?  He’s under the impression you were more than satisfied so either you were lying then or lying now…I sure hope you are lying now.


3. She’s crazy. Period. I am all for women standing up for herself but she beat her ex with a stiletto and the announced it on national TV.  Nick may be into her, but the next time he doesn’t satisfy her and she has to fake it?  You can best believe she will be murdering him and calling her cop brother to help bury the body in one of those silos.

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Vanessa’s Cons

1. She is an emotional wreck.  Seriously, I get that the man you are pretending to love and are sleeping with is sleeping with and pretending to love multiple women, but you need to pull your shit together.

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2. She also obviously has no idea what show she is on.  I would have thought someone would have done her research, but clearly she doesn’t have Google in Canada either and Ask Jeeves didn’t bother to tell her that the whole idea of this show is that the guy is dating multiple women.  Even if it’s a season of the Bachelorette, one of the guys is dating multiple women, do you know nothing?


3. She is a bitch.  Sorry, I said it.  She thinks she is a princess and that the rules do not apply to her.  I’m sorry that you don’t feel special and you can’t make friends in the house, but you need to at least try and pretend you weren’t here to be cast as the next Bachelorette.

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Lies, lies liesssssss.

4. Like I said above, it’s all lies.  She’s liar just like the rest of them.  If you were not already made aware, Vanessa has an IMDB page and was an actress in Canada.  My money is on the fact that she’s pissed she isn’t getting the Bachelorette gig and now wants Paradise.  Trouble is, I think she’s going to win this think so that means she probably has to wait until next summer to go back to the beaches of Bimini and continue on her quest to be the next E! News anchor.

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Quit trying to be cute, you are not cute.  You lie.

Really, I think it’s safe to say that whoever he picks tonight, five minutes later they will announce on After the Finale Rose that he already broke up with them.  That is the only reason I will be watching tonight, see you later Bachelor Nation.

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