While I would usually have hours left of the evening portion of my writing session, that extra hour of Bachelor hell has me about to pass out.  I will press on, but know that I probably won’t edit this post and could barely hear half the shit that was said because Whitney, Lacey and Astrid decided to show up 10 weeks to late and yell their opinions all night.

giphy (2).gif

Chris Harrison introduces us to a night we all know very well because it tends to be the biggest let down of them all.  Don’t get me wrong, I am always excited for Women Tell All, but ABC has notoriously edited the promos to paint a much different picture, so I am not getting my hopes up.  I will say though that, no matter home much money he makes, even Chris Harrison had a hard time saying vagine on national television.

giphy (1).gif

First, because Chris loves to feel just as desired as the Bachelor (if not more so in Nick’s case) we must visit all of the viewing parties that were filmed week’s ago.  Really though, these people all watch together? There 60 people in that one house, I can barely hear when it’s just me talking over myself.

The best part of the party crashing was seeing Nick and Chris walk into the sorority house. Chris because he is passing out signup sheets for the new round of fame whores ladies looking for love and Nick because his type is anyone at least 10 years younger than him.

6358505572948409751170297130_new school.gif

The saddest party they crashed was not the middle school boys being forced to watch with their parents, but the middle aged men who are trying to stage a comeback and think the Bachelor and ABC can help, aka the Backstreet Boys.  Gentleman, this is Nick’s fourth shot at love, ABC doesn’t have the funds to revive your careers.  Go back to your true fans and leave the youth alone, they don’t deserve you.

That being said, supposedly Backstreet Boys will be performing at Wrigley Field with Florida Georgia Line and Nelly and I am genuinely excited.

When we introduce the women, there are rapid fire thoughts going through my head that I will address in detail all in good time, but wanted to share as I wrote them down.  I am sure they are similar to your own lists.

  • Who is Elizabeth with that neon lipstick?
  • Who is that brunette…oh it’s Lacey
  • Why is Danielle M’s hair white? Ugh, why did she twirl
  • Corinne is wearing Kylie Kosmetics fo sho
  • Still cant tell Astrid and Whitney apart
  • Jade and Tanner’s wedding part 10
  • Josephine-NOOOO

So that is where I am at with initial impressions.  These will all trickle back at some point, along with the thoughts on people who didn’t jump out at first, but then made a point to get noticed later. For most of these women, this is their final chance at securing a spot on Bachelor in Paradise, so you best believe this could get ugly.

First is everyone yelling at each other and trying to be relevant.  Josephine has decided she will definitely be going to Paradise and will therefore remain loyal to Team Corn and rip Taylor a new one.  Good choice. Can’t remember what she really said though because the lipstick distracted me.

tumblr_mi67meWtEZ1s59745o1_500.gif

I know everyone else used this gif, but it’s too perfect to ignore.

Then Elizabeth decides to stick up for Corinne and Taylor, probably because she wasn’t there long enough to have a side since NO ONE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE.  But really, the girl said for Corinne to get her Khalessi on (leave her out of this), that Corinne was a “slob kabob”(how long have you wanted to use that line?) and that she thinks Taylor abused her Mental Health Counselor title and insulted the other people (herself included) who had a psychology degree.

giphy (4).gif

It’s Eliz….actually, let’s call her Tiffany, why not.

Then Danielle M. decides to chime in and let Elizabeth know that Taylor went to John’s Hopkins for her Masters, they aren’t even on the same level….looks like someone drank the koolaide. Or the bleach. Seriously, what happened to her hair? And her shirt?

1890a4b30e64b4a68db9b03bb4101b21.gif

Really though, we can’t be surprised by these alliances.  Danielle M, Taylor and Vanessa are friends outside the show and then on the other side is everyone else.  I think it’s clear who the fun is, whatever team Alexis is on.

The first lady in the hot seat is Liz.  No, not Elizabeth who randomly crashed this party.  Liz, who randomly crashed this season and could have saved us all by dating Nick a year ago after their one night stand and then they would have had to cast someone else for the Bachelor.

18f3a1907465df99dfc2ba3668517abf.gif

Liz is already emotional before she sits down, but she does seemed to have gotten a better story together in the last month than she did in the nine months she had before.  It seems Liz was deeply in love with someone else and that’s why she didn’t give Nick her number, because giving your number signifies being available while a sleeping together does not.

trump-gif-quotes.gif

I will defend Liz for a moment, but just a moment.  When the clip of Nick wondering if Liz used their history to get on television happens, I want to throw something.  Didn’t Nick use his twitter history to get on Kaitlin’s season?  I’m not saying it’s the same thing as turning someone down and then coming on their season, but Nick has no room to talk about anyones choices when it comes to being a fame whore.

While Liz cries for a moment, she does go on to tell us to love ourselves and our bodies and to expect love and I think I am going to vomit. The other women are building her up as well and supporting her love of self and I really want to know what I signed up for.  I don’t want support, I want bickering.  This isn’t Girl Scouts, this is the Bachelor, stop being friendly.

Liz does exactly what she did during the season, takes up too much air time and complains.

Next up is Taylor.  Thrilling.  In all honesty though, I will say that I believe Taylor suffers from Resting Bitch Face, a term she probably did not see in her textbooks, but would have learned if she had ever pulled the stick out of her ass and made some friends.

tumblr_mgowinf2wI1qlcs90o1_250.gif

Sorry not sorry.

But really, Taylor get’s up on that sofa and is obviously expecting more support than she gets.  This crowd, and the women, are all here for Corinne. Taylor say she was trying to help Corinne and I swear Josephine and Jasmine are about to jump on stage and pummel her.  Help her?  This is how you help people?  Seriously girl, pick another career. Taylor says that Corinne mocked her profession and has caused a lot of problems for her after the show.  Was she fired from jobs?  Did her patients not trust her after watching her condescendingly harp on Corinne? Or maybe it’s just that no matter how many degrees she gets, Taylor is 23-years-old and therefore should not be counseling anyone on any aspect of their life.  That’s my guess.

Chris Harrison brings up the comment we all wish we could forget, when Taylor questioned Corinne’s emotional intelligence and said she wouldn’t be friends with her outside this show.  The feelings are mutual Taylor, I assure you.  The women all stand up to Taylor and accuse her of being a bully and Corinne really doesn’t have to say much at all.  It seems Raquel has paid off Josephine, Lacey and Jasmine and they do all the talking for Corinne.  It seems we have found our first ladies to make a desperate plea to be on Paradise.

tumblr_nrn53wD7Oo1sxqyhyo10_500.gif

Taylor, of course, asks Corinne for an apology and Corinne’s response is, of course, laughter.  I am not sure what this girl was expecting, but to demand an apology from anyone after you behaved so badly first, she really needs help.  Corinne doesn’t see why she has to say sorry when Taylor got everyone into this mess and Astrid and someone else I cannot remember tell Corinne how awful it is to be called a swamp monster….did no one prepare for this ahead of time?  It seems they all pulled a Liz and decided to wing it, you could have used so many other things Corinne said to demand she apologize, but the swamp monster comment?

Taylor then begins to cry because the audience is loving Corinne blowing her off and I wonder if perhaps I don’t have a heart since not one of her crocodile tears makes me feel bad.  According to Taylor, I would assume I lack the emotional intelligence to understand this.

eb301c7817b99509dba37a50e08d4553.gif

But really, when are we getting our first ginger Bachelor or Bachelorette?  That’s going to be the real story line.

Next up is Corinne.  Taylor has sat down by now and is once again on the verge of tears because everyone is loving Corinne, a scenario she obviously did not prepared for, proving once again that she is a moron.  Corinne watches her intro sequence and admittedly sees that she came off more promiscuous than she even intended.  See, Taylor, that’s maturity.  Realizing your immature moments.

giphy (5).gif

Case and point.

The women who have been supporting Corinne all this time, now want to tell her what she did wrong…and it’s napping.  Really, these women aren’t nearly as bothered or offended by her taking her top off, but just care that she napped through a Rose Ceremony. The don’t even mention the whipped cream incident, what is wrong with you fools?  What is so terrible about napping?  Chris Harrison and Corinne would also like to know why the nap was that important and from what I can understand with four women yelling over each other, it was very rude to America and to Haley who went home that night.

post-35236-whos-that-gif-Leonardo-Dicapri-rlQm.gif

Corinne claims she had a panic attack and even Taylor helped her through it and she decided to stay upstairs.  While I want to doubt this story, Taylor doesn’t discredit Corinne so it must be true! Oh the irony of this moment.  The irony is also not lost on me when Corinne starts defend her nap again and forgets to call it a panic attack and Taylor saves that mistake for later. I hate you, but respect that move.

Corinne then accuses everyone in the house of napping and someone says that Taylor even has a shirt claiming to be the “nap queen”.  It seems that along with honest Abe and Micheal Jordan, the women of the Bachelor also nap.  Chris must then take a commercial break, but he really doesn’t look pleased to be interrupting what is the most ridiculous argument in the history of reality TV.  When we return, Taylor wants to apologize to Corinne if she was mean and asks if Corinne has anything to say to her.

giphy (6).gif

Idiot.

Corinne then treats us all (aka everyone there and tortures those of us at home) to some cheese pasta and this is the most telling moment of this entire season.  Taylor and Whitney, I saw your faces when cheese and pasta were announced and I will never understand people like you.  There is nothing better in this world than cheese and pasta, not even your skinny twig like bodies.

giphy (7)

Now it’s Kristina’s turn and I am already crying.  This girl is the only good thing to come out of this entire series, and of course the women seem to love her too which just makes this even more beautiful.  Because ABC hates us, they make us re-watch her story again and I begin to sob some more.  I don’t have a bad thing to say about Kristina, she is the sweetest person ever.

Liz on the other hand sobbing in the corner, what do you think you are doing?? Yes, Kristina’s story was beautiful, but that doesn’t mean you hijack the moment to encourage the women to build each other up instead of tear each other down.  This is The Women Tell All, save you sappiness for the Instagram promos with each other.  That shit doesn’t belong here.

8467a66fc536e580e7eb0b1ed17b7de0.gif

Speaking of not belonging, why is Nick here?  This season had nothing to do with you, it was about stocking up on Paradise and promoting Rachel.  Nick tells us this is his first Tell All because he made it to the finale every other time….I’m sure glad Vanessa isn’t here for that comment.

The women have a few questions for Nick, starting with Lacey.  Oh dear, as if this guy knew who you were before, coming here as a brunette sure isn’t going to help you.  Lacey would like to know why Nick would use his time to talk to her about Josephine and reminds him that it’s probably not a good idea to talk about one of your girlfriends to your other girlfriends.  Nick says he obviously wasn’t interested in her, not that he knows who he is speaking to.

mariah-carey-i-dont-know-her.gif

Alexis chimes in with the fact that she was in the friend zone and really enjoyed it and I realize that this episode has given me no Alexis.  These bloopers better be spot on.

Then Chris has Nick talk to Corinne where all she wants is to tell him she had a great time and thanks. That’s how much Corinne cared about Nick.  We then move on to Kristina and Nick even gets emotional talking to her after he broke her heart.  Nick knew that she was too good for him and America would murder him if he broke her heart at the end of the show rather than when he did.  He tells her it was the connection with the other women that sent her how, nothing she did.

tumblr_m6sv25khOV1qcqyz1o1_500.gif

Before Kristina can respond to that genius comment, Danielle L. is ready to speak.  Fabulous.  The girl who had the most air time for half the season and could only giggle and say “like” now wants to express her feelings.  Danielle is upset that he told her he saw them being engaged and that when she did tell him she loved him, he sent her home for no reason. Girl, did you watch this season? He sent everyone home for no reason, you are not special.  And why are you crying so much, you were in the top eight,  half these women should be more upset than you.

amy-poehler-lower-your-expectations-gif.gif

Someone is just upset she didn’t get the Bachelorette and is now desperately trying to get on Paradise.

Nick seriously doesn’t seem to give a shit about any of this and neither does ABC it seems because the decided to trick us into watching a trailer for some stupid movie as opposed to the bloopers that we were promised.  And why are we promoting a horror film, we still have a week until Beauty and the Beast comes out, shouldn’t we finish up our contract with them?

After teasing us, ABC finally gives us what we’ve been waiting for: Bloopers! Did I chuckle a little? Yes.  Did I love seen the women look like fools? Of course.  Did I thoroughly enjoy watching Raven shove cheese in Corinne’s mouth? Duh.

source (1).gif

BUT WHERE THE HELL WAS ALEXIS? Are you going to tell me that you used all of Alexis’ footage in the after the episode bloopers?  Because that girl is TV gold, I am not buying the fact that you had nothing left and could’t even add her to the bloopers once.

giphy (8).gif

I am going to finish this episode, but only because I have come this far.  I am not pleased.

Chris Harrison then introduces Rachel, and I have to wonder when this was filmed.  Did he not know they were going to announce Rachel early at this point in filming?  Because he acts like he is surprising us all when he announces Rachel as our next Bachelorette.  No, boo.  You ruined that already.

Jasmine says something very interesting, about congratulating Rachel week 7 on being the Bachelorette….did you all know week seven?  Is that why she didn’t care at all when she was being sent home?  Then Rachel tells us she is looking for a man that knows what he wants, something that’s been lacking in past relationships. AKA Nicholas.

13784103.gif

The former contestants are thrilled with Rachel as the Bachelorette and it’s nice to see that someone may actually be using this show for it’s intended purpose. Will that be a interesting, probably not, but Astrid and the other ladies are excited to meet Rachel’s leftovers in Paradise so that should prove interesting…not sure why Astrid thinks she’s making it to Paradise.

the-hangover-too-stupid-to-insult-gif.gif
Join us next week when ABC decides to mock Nick more for his stutter and forces him to choose a fake fiance only to be broken up by After The Final Rose.  I cannot wait, because that means this hell is over and I can sleep on Mondays again…for two months.

post-35236-whos-that-gif-Leonardo-Dicapri-rlQm.gif

See you then.