I know that last week I said that one hour wasn’t enough, but that doesn’t mean you can bombard people with three hours worth of pointless nonsense instead.  I watched twitter closely last night, people died off in that third hour, especially with all that talk of naps.  What did you expect, ABC?

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So, I have decided the best way to proceed is to recap the rest of the Fantasy Suites in one post and The Women Tell All in another.  That means that you will have to click on another article, don’t make me post about this 400 times to remind you…you know I will.

Fantasy Date 1.5: Raven is Humiliated

We left Raven with Nick, watching the stars and praying for her first orgasm.  When we arrive this week, it is morning and Raven either isn’t a morning person or isn’t satisfied.  She is happy for him to leave, says she had a good time and shoves Nick out the door.  If she did have her big moment, I do hope the other women weren’t staying in the cabins next door.

Raven is finally alone and ready to talk to her closest confidant, the camera man.  But actually, who is this guy behind the camera?  She is getting more giddy with him than she was with Nick, was he the one to actually satisfy her?

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Raven confirms that she “feels pretty satisfied today”.

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I blame production, Raven.  Not you.

What happens next is a thing of sheer genius on the part of production and torture on the part of Raven.  You already agreed to allow the delusional folks of America that you are in love with Nick, but now you have agreed to skip through the streets/dirt roads of Finland because that’s what most people tend to do when they have an orgasm.  they skip to a song where the lyrics are “yesterday I couldn’t get out of bed”.

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Before I move on to the other dates, I need to address a few things.  First, Raven’s ex has come forward and stated that he definitely satisfied her when they were together. This man has never met When Harry Met Sally or he would know that there is such a thing as faking it.

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How this woman didn’t win an Oscar is beyond me.

But, if Raven is telling the truth, then that means she faked it with a guy for two years.

I would like to speak to the camera man about this, I feel Raven will have confided the truth to him.

Fantasy Suite #2: You Can’t Fool Me, ABC

That’s right, ABC.  I refuse to be a pawn in your twisted games anymore.  We know Rachel is the Bachelorette, we know Nick cannot pick her after this date, so I will not become attached.

Rachel’s description of the winter wonderland that is Finland is “it looks like Narnia”. Love it. Then Rachel, who is very athletic up until this point, attempts cross country skiing. And fails.  Making her even more relatable….I’m on to you ABC.

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After going on a reindeer safari, which I didn’t know Santa allowed (corny, but I had to), Rachel sits with Nick to tell him how terrible she is at expressing her feelings while Nick sexually assaults his wine.  I need everyone to go back to watch the moment where he first tries the wine. I considered giving wine up, that’s how creepy he was, has he never had wine before?

Now, when Rachel said she had trouble talking about her feelings, she wasn’t lying. And Nick, being the asshat that he is, will not even help her out a little bit.  They are both dancing around this like a bunch of fools, I am tempted to change the camera and then she says I love you.  And Nick’s face with her reaction, my icy cold heart melts a little bit.

And the Nick announces that he is falling in love with Rachel too.

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NO! NO! NO! ABC, you cannot mess with people like this? Is he keeping Rachel? Does he ultimately pick Rachel only to be rejected by her in the end? What is going to happen?

What does happen is that Rachel takes that Fantasy Suite card super quickly and is ready for some fun with Nick.  And then we greet them in the morning, snuggling in flannel onesies and Nick is making breakfast.

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Dammit, ABC.

Fantasy Suite #3: Tradition!

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I am well aware that I have made a Fiddler on the Roof reference already this season.  I also know it was this exact gif.  Get over it.  If they want to talk about tradition forty times then you cannot be surprised that the suppressed thespian in me jumps right to this moment.

If you think I rushed through Rachel’s date, which I loved, you best believe I am going to try and get through this girls as fast as possible, because she sucks.  Nick is excited for his date with Vanessa because they have a lot of passion (no) and had a great hometown date (no).  I feel like Nick thinks he sent Vanessa home and not Corinne, he’s describing a completely different girl.

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At least try and seem like you care, Nick.  Is that too much to ask?

Because Vanessa likes to have fun and face her fears, Nick is having her jumping in the below freezing waters.  Not fun, ABC. Before we go any further, I’d like to a)know if these swimsuits are apart of this Finland tradition or apart of ABCs evil plan to make Nick look even more like a fool and b) who bought Nick that hat?  More so I want to know about that hat.  He had it on while with Rachel and I chose to ignore it, but I cannot remain silent.  This week’s hat is last week’s turtleneck.

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After Nick forces Vanessa to jumping into the freezing waters and face her fears, they run back to the hut and then….wait, they do it again?  And again?  These fools jumped in four times and that’s the edited down version?  And why does Nick keep saying he is proud of Vanessa for facing her fears and overcoming obstacles?  These aren’t fears, these arent obstacles.  You all are ignoring human nature. Vanessa’s hesitancy towards this activity is the most common sense she has shown all season.

Unfortunately it doesn’t last long before she announces she is enjoying this date.  She won’t be enjoying it later when they get the fantasy suite key and Nick has yet to thaw out.

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They finally head to the hot tub where Nick stresses the word traditional to Vanessa.  He says that her family is traditional while his is not, and  that he is not a traditional person.  After saying the word four more times he explains that Vanessa’s family has old traditions while his started new ones…..you purposefully made it sound like you were opposed to children Nick, not that your family opens presents on Christmas Eve and not Christmas day.  Do you know the difference between traditional and tradition?

Then we move on to the word compromise, which Vanessa does not know the definition of.  Vanessa decides to list the things she would not compromise on, one being Sunday lunch with her family every week.  Which means she won’t compromise on moving I would assume but we don’t go there.  Just wants Nick to know that he will compromise and she won’t.  I never heard Nick ask her to start compromising, but I can barely understand have the shit he says so I will stay neutral on this topic.

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We then go to the dinner portion of the evening where Vanessa worries over the word traditional some more.  Nick is already becoming so weak in this relationship, she is a big bully.  I wish Taylor was here to referee this, neither of them are intelligent or emotionally intelligent and need serious help.  Nick keeps referring to them being too similar at times, due to their hardheadedness, impulsiveness and passion.

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These two are the worst.  I hope he does pick her in the end, they can do insta-stories about hair gummies and protein shakes for about a month and then break up.  ABC could not have found two bigger narcissists who shouldn’t be narcissists,

ROSE CEREMONY: Get It Over With

I am actually not sure where this ship is headed now.  I know we are bound to sink any day, I didn’t actually expect Nick’s voyage to be a successful one, but I just don’t know where we will crash.  He told Rachel he was falling in love with her, but we know she is the Bachelorette, I can’t keep up.

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For the first time in weeks, Nick decides that this Rose Ceremony doesn’t need to be out doors where the woman can freeze to death.  Vanessa get’s her titties out, Rachel’s got the glitz and, once again, ever so practical Raven wears pants.  Because, yeah, it’s cold out.

Raven get’s the first rose and Vanessa get’s the second…so after all of that, Rachel is going home, just like we thought.  You fooled me for a moment, ABC. But we all knew she’d be gone eventually.

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Nick sits with Rachel and hopes this isn’t really goodbye.  Poor guy, it’s obvious that production just told him he had to send her home to be the next Bachelorette.  Now he is stuck with Raven and Vanessa, he looks so lost.  Maybe he shouldn’t have eliminated everyone week 7, then he wouldn’t be in this mess.

You did this to yourself.  Now you must pay the consequences of a month with Vanessa as your fake fiance, good luck.