The Bachelor Uncategorized

The Bachelor: Paradise Predictions

We are now eight episodes  into Nick’s season of The Bachelor (so like 13 days in Bachelor days) and I think that a lot of things are becoming more and more clear. Clear because ABC already announced the next Bachelorette (rude), but also because, for all it’s flaws, this season might provide some of the best Bachelor in Paradise candidates to date.

And because I have nothing better to do right now than look to the future of the Bachelor franchise (should I be concerned?) I am going to help ABC out with the casting of next season. You are welcome.

1. Alexis/Dolphin/Shark: Duh.  Alexis is a gift from the reality tv Gods and we need to treat her as such.  I am happy production let her have her glory on The Bachelor, but we new she wouldn’t go all the way.  Nick is a bore who couldn’t appreciate all of her, she’s too good for him.  Really, I must thank whoever realized what she brings to the show and kept her as long as she did.  And now we all know she belongs in Paradise….and not just because of the aquatic fascination, but that helps.


2. Jasmine B: Jasmine seemed a little stalkerish towards Nick, and I’m not sure why…you can do better, Jazzy.  But if she can become obsessed with Nick this quickly, there is no telling what will happen when you put someone semi attractive in front of her. She also can’t wrap her head around Corrine and the nanny, and has some weird kinky tenancies that ABC will exploit.


3.Liz:  Some of you may not remember Liz.  She slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding (she was the MOH) and then didn’t give Nick her number, but proceeded to follow him on the show nine months later. She mentioned it a few times, not sure how you’d forget…  She also doesn’t like to talk on the phone, making her a not so hot candidate for real life relationships, but an obvious choice for Paradise.  And since Jade found love in Paradise, she will be even more desperate to do the same.

giphy (6).gif

4. Christen: You can’t have Liz and no Christen.  It seems like only a short time ago I was criticizing the spelling of your name and wishing for you to be eliminated night one.  While your name is still spelled wrong, I will never get enough of you rats nest hair and your love of gossip.  Christen belongs in Paradise, just so we can see her reaction to the shit shows.

giphy (3).gif

5. Sarah:  I liked this little nugget and she might be one of the only people sane enough to find actual love here. Or sane enough not to.  Whatever the case, she deserves another chance and seems like she would tan really easily.  Not sure if she’s at all interesting, but I’d like to give her a chance and I think she’s still frozen from the Wisconsin date, so she needs this vacay.


6. Lauren: Okay, so Lauren was eliminated night one but supposedly that’s because Nick is a douche (shocker) and didn’t like her joke about their last names. This girl probably made a lot of people’s fantasy teams: blonde, pretty, hot gold dress. She was a 10 out of 10 for me. And while she most likely will not come back because she is better than this, I really want to see more of her. And you can never have enough hussies in Paradise.


7. Josephine: Okay, unless they decide to bring Ashely S. back (wouldn’t put it past them) Josephine is our next coocoo bird. I barely got to see the clip of her singing to Nick, but I saw enough to know that she would be excellent for ratings (not that you need anyone to boost ratings when you have Alexis, but it doesn’t hurt).  Welcome back, Josie.

giphy (2).gif

8. Whitney: They left her in Paradise, I am sure she will still be there when they decided to pick up filming again.

giphy (10).gif

9. Taylor: This one is debatable. Taylor is gorgeous and no one can say she won’t kill it in a bikini…but Taylor is a snot. The only reason she seems mature is because she’s already got her Masters at age 23 (fair) but also because Corrine is there making everyone look more mature. While I think doing your doctorate on Paradise would be fascinating, I don’t know if I need to see those judgey eyes every week.  And she’s now admitted to not drinking, so I really regret putting her on this list, but I want her to see Corinne again.

giphy (7).gif

10. Corinne: I know, I know, she’s still there.  But so is Rachel and we know her future, I cannot imagine Corinne winning this thing or wanting to.  Corinne is destined to make appearances on multiple franchises of this show, have a lucrative Instagram career and I’d bet a dollar (I’m not very rich) that she would bring Raquel with her her to Paradise.  And I know I am not the only one who wants to see Corn and The Chad get together.

giphy (4).gif

11. Nick: Let’s be honest with ourselves, he isn’t picking anyone at the end of this and if he does, he will be single just in time for a quick return to Paradise.  The minute Nick settles down is the second the money goes away.  And it seems someone in production thinks Nick makes for good tv and keeps bringing him back.  I would not be surprised if he returned in hopes of getting a tan and meeting up with Amanda again.

giphy (5).gif

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s