I take it all back, I need the two hours. Every other evening I would be contemplating throwing my computer, furious that my boss requires me to work on this until 3am…my boss being me.
I will admit that I arrived to the episode late. Just a few minutes late, but I was enjoying a few margaritas back in Kansas City with my mom and as much as my public awaited me via live tweeting, nothing stands between me and my $4 margaritas.
That being said, WFT ABC? WTF Chris Harrison? Seriously, I don’t know who to be angry at, probably Price Waterhouse.
Seriously, not trying to be funny, I really do think it could be PwC’s fault.
We left Nick opening the door to the lovely but loose lipped Andi Dorfman. While a lot of people pretended Andi was coming back for Nick, those of us who live on planet Earth, or at the very least live in Bachelor Nation, know that she is just here because they cut her a fat check to show up for 3 minutes and she needs to write another book to remain relevant.
Nick is very confused as to why Andi is here, especially right before a Rose Ceremony. Nick, it’s almost more rare for you to have a Rose Ceremony than it is for Andi to show up unexpectedly at your hotel room, there is no way she could could have planned this. She isn’t here for you, idiot.
Nick offers to pour Andi a drink, she would prefer whiskey. This shit is serious.
JK. Andi seemed to have come for the sole purposed of making sure Nick hears all of the jokes that didn’t make the cut for her book, but were still worth mentioning. Nick sits through her sarcastic humor and is more poised than the normal person, probably because the normal person has a better sense of humor and would realize theses jokes were at their expense.
Nick does acknowledge that he now realizes what Andi went through when narrowing down the 30 guys she had to chose from her season. He does have to say the last time they were in a hotel room together was when she sent him home. Andi has a very convenient memory and is shocked to hear this happened, Nick obviously made quite the impression on her, not.
But Nick does feel her pain and Andi pities him having to send 29 ladies home, to which Nick says “maybe 30” and we get a commercial break.
No. You can take our Rose Ceremonies, you can take our dolphins, you can take our exotic vacations, but you will NOT, you will NOT take our stage and ultimately fake proposals. No one believes you are lovable, Nick, and no one thinks you even want love. But you will propose at the end of this, you owe us.
Andi does give Nick some sage advice, telling him not to sleep with anyone he doesn’t see a future with. Wise. They also apologize to each other for the past and wish each other the best. It really is a beautiful and very helpful and motivating conversation for Nick and I think he actually might think Andi is the new Chris Harrison, she has helped him more in the last 15 minutes than Chris has all season. I’m actually curious if she is replacing Chris.
ROSE CEREMONY: This Is Not A Drill
We are actually having a Rose Ceremony people. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a rose, let alone saw Nick present them in a dramatized fashion.
The ladies are outside once again this season, freezing their asses off and waiting on Nick to remember that he still has yet to eliminate everyone. I can only imagine what they would say if they knew he was chillin with his ex lady bird.
Nick finally arrives outside in the wind tunnel, the ladies are waiting with baited/frozen breath. This time, everyone seems to have realized a coat is necessary. Vanessa tells us that she “doesn’t feel special” and I wondered how we ever thought Corinne was the most spoiled and immature person on this show. Rachel tells us she “always longed for nick, but after meeting her family she longs for him in a different way.”
Before I can even contemplate what is happening, Raven has a rose. Okay, not surprising. Then suddenly Rachel has a rose. Um, isn’t she supposed to leave? She is the next Bachelorette, shouldn’t she avoid Fantasy Suites and remain pure and innocent?
Before I can even think about who is left, Nick offers Vanessa the final rose and a small part of me dies. Corinne is gone? Corinne, the only person who brought any kind of entertainment to this show? Corinne, who just bought him a new wardrobe? Corinne, who has teased about a platinum vagina and Nick isn’t even remotely interested?
I know, and I really would have liked to have heard an outside opinion on the status of it. Really, big miss here, Nicholas.
While the Wicked Witch of Canada is receiving her rose, Corinne is already crying. I think it’s a bit of a joke, but as he walks her out, she says “I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset” and I know this is not a joke. This woman who seemed so confident has proven that with too much alcohol and a little disappointment, we all become martyrs. I can’t begin to count the amount of times I have cried to my boyfriend about disappointing him, all because I couldn’t take that final tequila shot. Really I can’t count those moments because I’m too drunk to remember all of them, but I feel her pain. It’s not your fault, Corn.
Corinne’s limo ride is something similar to a feminist march combined with a typical Sunday Funday that ends in tears and unwelcomed realities. She tells us she is done saying things she thinks guys will think are appropriate and I have to ask, what has Corinne said here that she even remotely considers appropriate? Just curious. She also says she will never kiss up to a man again. Nor should you, Corn. Nor should you.
Corinne leaves New York just as she entered it. Champagne in hand, ready for a nap.
Fare thee well, Corinne.
FANTASY SUITE #1: O The Places You’ll Go
Nick feels he has the shakiest connection with Raven so he is having her Fantasy Suite date first to compare her skills to the other women. What? I am not the only one who thinks Nick is there just for a hook up.
Raven arrives in Finland and she is a bit confused as to where all the mud is, but she puts on a brave face. She is thrilled to still be here so she can tell Nick what she couldn’t tell him last week, that she is falling in love with him. I still am not sure how she blocked out her rollerskating date where she already told him she loved him, but I guess we are all going to forget that moment.
JK, I am not letting it go.
Raven and Nick go on a helicopter ride (points for me) and then they go to a bar and play darts with the locals. Raven then sits with Nick and discusses the things that matter most in life; ironing vs steaming. While Nick is a big proponent of ironing so he can get that perfect crease in his skinny jeans, while Raven is wise beyond her years and loves a good steamer.
It’s the dinner portion of the evening and Raven is ready to tell Nick all about her feelings for him. Raven first tells us that her previous boyfriend only said “I love you” when he was drunk. They dated for two years.
Nick really is trying to be respectful of this story all while struggling to suppress the feelings of suffocation coming from the turtleneck and Raven’s profession of love.
Then she tells us how she has only ever been with one man, the cheater she beat with her stiletto. It seems Nick knows this and has “kept it in mind”. Kept it in mind for what? Like she was going to get eliminated for it? She also let’s us know that not only did he cheat on her and say “I love you” when intoxicated, but he also never gave her an orgasm.
TMI Raven, did not need to know that, but now that you shared, you stayed with this guy for how long?
Nick tries to hide his awkward laughter in his turtleneck, which only makes it more uncomfortable. Nick then tells us how much he likes Raven and that she is the best combination of “salty and sweet”.
I cannot be the only one who gagged at the timing of comment. Not okay, production, not okay.
Whoever knows who this gentleman is down in Hoxie, if you could send out a picture of this lowlife, it would be much appreciated.
Raven tells us that her lack of experience makes these Fantasy suites more significant for her and I really hope there are women out there watching and taking note on the difference between emotional and physical connections, Raven is schooling all of us. The Fantasy Suite card finally arrives from under Nick’s plate, proving that Chris Harrison cannot be bothered to do anything. Raven reads it allowed and immediately says yes. She really seems to be taking her time thinking about this…
We leave Raven and Nick in their wooden igloo of a house, looking for the northern lights to appear. Since we only get an hour, it seems we will have to wait until next week to see if “Raven’s date comes to a satisfying end”. Those were Chris Harrison’s words, not mine. He has no shame left.
The previews are just a bunch of old shit from the beginning of the season, so it seems both Raven and I will remain unsatisfied for another week. We have three hours of drama next week and they can’t give us anytime of real preview, this is either going to be really amazing or the most boring Women Tell All yet. I’m guessing boring since they can’t allow them all to say how they never cared about Nick.
Prepare yourself for next week’s post people, I suspect I will be very drunk by then end of a three hour Bachelor marathon, causing my posts to become long winded and angrier than usual.