Welcome back, folks.  Today’s blog is a little late because I had a doctors appointment that I’ve been avoiding for quite some time. It seems I have gained a few pounds since my last visit, which I had determined all on my own thank you very much.

Anywho, enough about me. We are now at the point in the season where I worry that this shit show will never stop.  Luckily, this season I know that Nick is trying to get this over with as fast as possible and, obviously, so is ABC since they announced the Bachelorette already.

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We are still in Bimini at the start of the episode, probably because it has been storming there since we arrive, no way can they fly that dinky plane out of there.  There is also still a storm raging within Nick which is causing the women to stress even more than they usually do which just causes me to stress out. Nick, you really need to get your shit under control, it’s only hurting you.

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Nick arrives at the house through a different door than he’s come through the previous five times.  Seriously, I can’t be the only one who has notice they walk through a different door every time. I wondered if this time he crawled through a window, but I digress.  After clawing his way back in, we see that he has roses with him.  Corinne is concerned though and doesn’t want to get her hopes up since she doesn’t know how many roses there are.  This is the moment we learn that counting to four is not required to run a multi-million dollar company.  But really, how can you not see there are four roses???

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This all means that, once again, Nick is avoiding a Rose Ceremony and tells them  he will be visiting all of their hometowns.  Everyone is too excited to be bothered by the fact that he gives Raven a rose, even though she has one for the week, meaning she has received one more rose than anyone else.

Nick presents Corinne with the rose and says he is excited to meet Raquel.  Everyone knows that’s why she’s still here, no reason to deny it.  Well played, Corn.

RAVEN HOMETOWN DATE: Mud Masks and Mumbles

We arrive in Hoxie, Arkansas and Raven immediately tells us not to get our hopes up.  It seems that the only things you can do are climb grain bins and go “muddin” and drive a four wheeler.  She said a few other things too, but I didn’t realize that Raven’s accent would get even thicker when she returned home and I didn’t think to turn my subtitles on.

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Nick arrives and we start with the first activity of the day, driving four wheelers.  Nick sounds none too thrilled, probably because Raven doesn’t let him drive. We whip around in circles before heading to the grain bins, the next stereotypical part of the date.  They haven’t even gone muddin yet, but are already filthy.  Nick is totally loving this.

The next thing to happen gives me great joy because it proves that I am a genius, as if we needed more proof.  Raven and Nick climb the bins, only to have the police show up. The police officer is none to pleased to find old man Nick climbing a grain bin, and when asked what they are doing, Nick tells them they are filming a show.  Nick, Chris Harrison will not be bailing you out of jail, this show didn’t even pay for Corinne’s room service.

The officer also discovers that neither of these fools has a drivers license, which I think we should blame Raven for, this was all her idea.   Obviously though, no one is in trouble because this is the Bachelor and that would be too extreme even for them.  What does happen is Raven reveals that the cop is her brother…I SAID WEEKS AGO THAT SHE WAS RELATED TO A COP. NO OTHER WAY SHE WOULD TELL THE STILETTO STORY ON NATIONAL TV.

Okay, now that we have established my geniusness, we are still unfortunately on this date.  Raven revealed to Nick that the grain bins hold many secrets, but I think she just means that her family buries all the bodies of the boyfriends she kills there.

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It’s now time for muddin.  I would wager everything I own that Raven was cast when they thought Luke would be the Bachelor, and even farm boy Luke would have been hesitant.  But prissy Nicholas? He wanted nothing to do with it.  Raven on the other hand seems to use muddy, stale water as a conditioning treatment and kept submerging her head.  She even forced Nick to dunk those curls of his. She is a strange bird.

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What I really wanted to see was Raven’s boutique. Missed opportunity, ABC.

After making themselves presentable, they journey over to Raven’s parents place. Raven’s brother is there, out of uniform, along with her parents.  Quick shout out to her dad who revealed he was cancer free.  Shout out to Nick for not bolting out the door when things got heavy and emotional, the look on his face tells me it was a close call.

Raven tells us that she has only ever brought one boy home to meet her family and Nick is special.  I’d really rather know how many boys she has assaulted, but I’m sure her brother removed all her assault charges from her record.  She also decides to reveal to her parents that she is very much falling for Nick and she feels totally different with him than she did with her ex.  I am sure Nick and Raven’s family were very relieved to hear that as there is only so many times they can hide the bodies when Raven gets her heart broken.

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Am I taking her stiletto confession too far? Possibly, but someone needs to look into this I think, for everyone on Bachelor in Paradise’s sake.

When Nick sits down with Raven’s dad, he is quick ask for his blessing if “Raven is the girl at the end that I cant say goodbye to and we take it one step further by getting engaged.”  Nick, you just don’t get to rewrite this show.  You eliminated Rose Ceremonies, you can’t decide not to propose to someone too.  Calling it now, Nick decides to reject everyone by the end of this because he wants to punish all women for hating him since puberty and rejecting him multiple times on national tv.

Raven misses the opportunity to tell Nick she is falling for him or is in love with him.  It seems she got a bit of swamp water in her ears, because she already said she was in love with him week three.

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RACHEL HOMETOWN DATE: Don’t Matter If You’re Black or White

I know that was an obvious choice of title, I really couldn’t think of anything better.

We are all so thrilled to be on Rachel’s hometown date because we get a chance to see what next season will bring us with her as the Bachelorette.  No, but seriously ABC, we aren’t thrilled, it’s not fun when you spoil it for everyone.

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Rachel decides to take Nick somewhere special and takes him to her church. Nick let’s us know several times that his family is religious and he loves visiting places of worship, all while looking like he might puke or cry at any moment.  I know I will not be the only one to use this saying to describe this moment, but he looked like a whore in church he was so uncomfortable.

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Then we head over to meet Rachel’s family, but before hand, we stop and discuss how the evening will go and Nick informs us that “I’m not color blind, I know you are black”.

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I will say now that I do think Nick is trying not to offend anyone on this date.  He is trying to be sensitive, but I really do think all he knows about race is from Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” and Pocahontas’  “Colors of the Wind”.

Then we actually arrive at family dinner. First, to whoevers home that was, you have amazing taste.  Second, production must have alternated Rachel’s dad, the Federal Judge, that she was the Bachelorette because he decided to go to work instead of show up.  Fair, I would not want to meet Nick either, she will have her pick of men soon. Rachel’s family sits down to eat and asks Nick if he knows what all the food on the table is.  Nick, knowing that production isn’t going to let him choose Rachel, is a sassy little bitch and says “yeah, I’m not from Mars.”

Nick speaks to Rachel’s sister and awkward as hell brother-in-law first and they ask Nick the hard hitting questions. His answers leave a little to be desired.  Yes, he is aware she is black.  Yes, he has been out in public before with a black woman.  When asked what he likes about Rachel most he tells us she’s “smart, good looking, challenging, in a great way funny, easy to talk to, really good looking…”.  We weren’t going to say anything, but Rachel’s brother-in-law doesn’t give a shit and let’s him know he said good looking twice, so then he repeats fun again like the turd he is.

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Then he goes and talks to her mother who is a doll.  Seriously, the best ever. She had to be if she created Rachel.  She does ask the same questions the daughter did though so we listen to Nick once again say he’s gone on dates with black women and that Rachel is really pretty.  That is always one of the first three things he mentions and, while I have established that my only knowledge of feminism comes from the Spice Girls, a small part of me dies every time he mentions the women’s looks.

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I will pray for a Spice Girls reunion until my dying breath.

She also wants to know what red flags he sees in Rachel.  Nick deflects with your cliche “that is a great question” response that everyone is taught to use when trying to think of something to say. Really, dude, you could have just said “I’ve know your daughter a month and hung out with her twice, how should I know?”  Or just said Rachel has no flaws, which we know to be true.  Instead he scrambles and mumbles and tells us she’s really funny. Yeah, not a flaw unless you are Nick with no sense of humor.

All I really took away from this date is that ABC has known from day one that Rachel was the Bachelorette and withheld all of these deep convos she and Nick had about interracial couples that they keep talking about.  I do not like to be left out, ABC.

CORINNE HOMETOWN DATE: Jump In, Loser. We’re Going Shopping

HALLELUJAH.  It has arrived, the reason we are all still watching this season.  The day we meet Raquel.  I have to say upfront, the Raquel bits were not nearly as entertaining as everything else on this hometown, but it was hysterical. It almost makes up for the two boring ass dates before. Almost.

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Corinne announces that this date will be showing us what “a day in the life of Corinne” looks like, so she took us to the most exclusive mall in Miami.  I am struggling with the concept of a mall being exclusive, but I have learned that it’s Corinne’s world and we are just living in it, especially today.  Every store she enters, the managers hug her like she is the most loved person in Miami.  I think it’s just because she’s been gone for two months and they need to make their year end goals and have been feeling the loss of her credit card.

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Corinne has some excellent words of advice to help us all be professional shoppers that I would now like to share.  You must stay focused.  You must grab everything and take it all into the dressing room, and she means everything.  You must find a sales person to be yours for the day and supply you with champagne.  And never forget that the dressing room is your holy ground.  I personally am still looking for that dressing room that doesn’t use fluorescent lighting to torture me (looking at you Nordstrom) but I guess at the most exclusive mall in Miami, anything is possible.

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Also, she did forget to mention that you need money for all of this to actually work, but I guess that goes without saying.

Corinne does do a little shopping for herself, either expecting to go somewhere cold for the Fantasy Suite dates or that Global Warming is around the corner and about to hit Miami hard.

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Then Corinne begins shopping for Nicholas.  Nick calls himself a bargain shopper and is pretending that he has never spent more than $30 on one of his vnecks, which we know isn’t the case. I think it’s safe to say that when a women doesn’t want to spend money on herself, but rather a guy she’s known a month, it means she hates his style.  Or, in this made up world, take me to the Fantasy Suite date.  I can only hope that during all this she bought him new shorts.

Corinne spends over three thousand dollars on clothes for Nick.

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No words.

Before heading to see her family, Corinne tells Nick she loves him.  He immediately kisses her to divert her from anything heavier, but he really didn’t need to bother.  Corinne had that perfectly timed and has practiced it since week one with her acting coach and agent.

Corinne’s parents are not at all what I expected and neither is the apartment.  Either her family is frugal (doubtful) or that multi-million dollar company lifestyle does not stretch very far in the city of Miami.  I am no real estate agent (would I be good at that?) but this all seems rather suspect.  Nick, you need to do some digging before you think these people will support you for the rest of your sorry life.

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Corinne’s dad is the best part of this date, outshining even the highly anticipated Raquel.  Not surprising since Raquel was busy cooking and serving dinner.  Corinne informs her family that the other ladies in the house used Raquel against her and I would like to defend them by saying she present the nanny bit of information quite poorly if she wanted Raquel to seem important to her.  They all let us know that Raquel is an important part of the family and her mother says that she couldn’t do a lot of things without her…this is announced as Raquel is pouring mamma’s wine, she must have terrible arthritis, so glad Raquel is there for her.

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Raquel pulls Nick aside and is so cute about protecting Corinne’s heart.  She is also very soft spoken so I cannot tell you half of the shit she said, but it was all from a place of love it seems, so I will not make another nanny joke at her expense.  Nick though, he’s another story.  When asked what he likes about Corinne, he cant help himself when he says she is very pretty.  Luckily, Raquel’s face lets us know that was not the right answer…I think.  actually, Raquel has a very good poker face, I am not sure what she is thinking, but I am going to assume she is not too impressed with his fascination regarding physical appearance.

While Nick and Raquel are mumbling, Corinne’s dad speaks to her and they cozy up on her bed, showing us that the apartment is just as small as I suspected, but Corinne’s room is huge. Dad is very shocked to hear Corinne is in love so he must not have seen the bill yet for the acting coach.  What he seems most focused on is Nick’s career goals and how he will support Corinne in the manner to which she was accustomed.  Meaning her parents did see today’s shopping tab.

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Corinne informs us Nick used to sell computer software, let’s all note that is past tense. Nick now is hoping to sell those damn sunglasses and make TV appearances for the rest of his life I am guessing.  Corn’s dad is no dummy thought and reads between the lines to determine that Corinne will have to be the bread winner and Nick will be the stay at home mom….these two with children is a frightening thought.

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Then dad gets to talk to Nick.  He obviously already knows he is a moron because he has to tell him how to hold the scotch glass.  He tells Nick how Corinne has offered to support him and he is more relieved than insulted.  They both agree that he will try and be the bread winner, but if this Bachelor show doesn’t pan out, then he will have to find something else to fall back on.  I am sorry, but if Corinne and Nick do get together, doesn’t that mean that his Bachelor shit will be over with for him? How much are they paying Nick to get engaged this season and prove to us that the franchise works even for the sorriest of souls??

Dad determines that Nick is the lid to her pot.  I sure hope that pot is worth something since it seems these two will be living on the streets if it’s up to Nick.

Corinne and Nick leave and everyone says goodbye to both of them, trying to make us believe that Corinne doesn’t still live at home.  Then they watch from the window the two lovebirds kissing goodbye, once again proving that this multi-million dollar company couldn’t afford to get them one of the higher floors in this building. My work here is done.

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VANESSA HOMETOWN DATE: Canadians Don’t Watch the Bachelor

First off, to the women who sassed me on twitter when I said they must not have ABC in Canada, I’m sorry you were upset that I told your secrets.  While you may have paid for premium programming, Vanessa’s family did not it seems because none of them know how this show works.  I stand by what I said.

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Secondly, this is how I feel about this date.

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Nick greets Vanessa by saying “hey good lookin”.  He really makes it too easy for me, but I will avoid his shallowness this one so we can get this date over with.  We first go to Vanessa’s school and even though Nick is the worst and Vanessa is a liar who wants to be famous, this is a very sweet moment between the happy couple and Vanessa’s students and I cannot say one thing bad about it.

Then we go to Vanessa’s mom’s house for the first family meal and I am relieved to be able to start hating this show again.  First, we enter the house to stereotypical Italian music like it’s the mafia.  It’s Canada, ABC, you aren’t fooling anyone.  Also, Vanessa invited about 15 extra people just to make her family seem more Italian and intimidating.  Nick can’t be shocked, I believe he is one of nine children or something crazy, you can’t scare him.

Now what is frightening is that it seems that for all Vanessa does to try and seem like she and Nick have a deep connection, they have talked very little about a future.  Like where they would live since they live in two different countries. We also know that Vanessa had a terrible break up before this, so bad that everyone is referencing it.  Did I miss the story at some point? They act like the ex tried to kill her, was she beaten with a stiletto?

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Nick sits down with both Vanessa’s sister and mother and I can see where she gets her crying tendencies from, everyone in this family cries.  The sister is especially emotional, threatening that she will hate Nick if he breaks Vanessa’s heart.  They also don’t want Vanessa to leave Canada, but I think if there is one thing these morons can agree on it’s that they both want to end up in Hollywood.  Never going to happen, kids.

I think is safe to say that everyone is worried about Vanessa’s heartbreak because they have also been told by production that Rachel is the next Bachelorette and someone needs to tell delusional Vanessa who still thinks she has a chance.

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Then we head over to see Vanessa’s dad and Nick wastes no time pulling him aside to say “there are three other girls still here, not a secret, but can I have your blessing if I decide I like Vanessa the most?”  Where as most of these dads have been told this show isn’t real, this man has not and denies Nick his blessing.  He also wants to know if Nick asked the other parents for their blessing which he lies a few times before the threatening eyes of the Godfather force him to tell the truth.  Production does pay the man off finally though, who suddenly decides that through Nick’s mumbles and lies, he has earned his blessing.  Well done ABC, stop the rational conversations as quickly as possible.

Stupidly though we decided to tell Vanessa that he asked for her father’s blessing, and every other father’s as well. And then Vanessa decides to take another irrational and emotional roller coaster ride.  Van, he hasn’t just asked the four dad’s their blessing, he also got fairly far with two other women, that we know of.  Stop acting so shocked, you 100% knew his history and stop acting like you didn’t know there were other women still here. I am fed up with you temper tantrums.

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ROSE CEREMONY: Nope, Wrong Again

Nick has taken us to New York, his favorite city he says, because he thinks it’s a very romantic setting for a Rose Ceremony.  One, Rose Ceremonies are anything but romantic.  Two, you haven’t had a Rose Ceremony in weeks, don’t act like we are getting one tonight.

Vanessa decides to hop in the car and head on over, because if there is one thing we know about Vanessa it’s that she was forced against her will to be on this show and doesn’t want to be here anymore if Nick cant tell her she’s getting the final rose.  I also suspect someone on production told her about Rachel and she isn’t sure if she wants Nick or a season on Paradise, so she’s panicking.  Literally, cannot stand you and your constant whining.

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ABC, you are won tricky SOB, I did think it was Vanessa arriving to scold Nick, but instead we got Andi who you previewed last week and I forgot.  How much did you all have to pay her to come back here, I suspect she isn’t cheap.  What will be really interesting is not what Andi has to say, but what Vanessa’s reaction will be if she walks in and sees her.  Because, right now, she is trying to put up the front that she hasn’t seen this show, but I bet she loses it when she sees good old Andi.

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I’d put money on the fact that Andi’s got a new book deal out.  Whatever it, she sunk really low to come back and pretend to care about Nick when we know she doesn’t.

Okay, back to my real life where I will be trying to form healthier habits like my doctor suggested…I hope that doesn’t mean I need to give up this show.

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