This is a really long recap, longer than most. I don’t know what to tell you, I either couldn’t cut shit out or I couldn’t be bothered to edit it down. Sorry not sorry.
We left the final six sitting in St. Thomas, which seems to be cursed. I thought the haunted mansion episode had some weird shit going on, but the sun has gone to Nick’s head and ladies are the ones to suffer. The only interesting thing about this show anymore is what comes out of Corinne’s mouth and who Nick decides to send home on his dates so he can avoid a Rose Ceremony. I hate him and his mumble and his short shorts so much I can’ stand it.
Am I still bitter that Alexis is gone? You bet I am.
The show starts with the ladies sitting in silence. No, seriously, they sat there for a solid minute before one of them teared up again and told us it was the morning after Nick’s meltdown. THE MORNING AFTER. I have to hope that these women are just still drunk because there is no reason they should be on the verge of tears every time Nick’s name is mentioned. Unless it’s because they are there against their will, which then I understand. He signed a contract ladies, he isn’t going anywhere. I know that, you know that, we all know that. He just wants to scare you all.
Nick finds an abandon boat that no one ever used probably and sits on top of it, seeming to wait for an epiphany. What he gets is Chris Harrison.
Oh, Chris. Always so reassuring.
Chris comes and says “I heard yesterday was a rough day” translation “I watched the footage, I’m proud of you son”. I am sure Chris was not only aware Nick was sending three women home last week, he probably orchestrated it. Nick throws himself a little pity party and when he is finished, Chris says “be honest, are you ready to quit and walk away from this?” It’s a fair question since, if Nick is going to quit, Chris needs to get their lawyers ready to sue him for all the he’s worth….which is a few sunglass promos and a lot of little boys short shorts.
Nick arrives back at the house and the women all corner him for a hug, which he totally wants. Not. I think everyone has confused Nick’s need for physical interactions as a need to be comforted as well. Everyone except Corinne.
Nick shares his fears once again and the women huddle together waiting for another mental breakdown. ABC goes to commercial break only to come back and tell us that Nick wants to stay…yeah, there is still a two hour show according to my DVR, you aren’t fooling anyone. The saddest part of all of this is how excited the women are to be competing for one mans “love” again…AFTER THEY HAD COMPLETE MELTDOWNS ABOUT PLAYING VOLLEYBALL FOR A ATTENTION. Ya’ll are mental, I hope you know that.
Thankful, we are about to leave this cursed island behind and all it’s emotional turmoil for somewhere different! Nick tells the ladies where they are headed and I totally missed what he said I think. These crazy drunks are running around and quoting Cinderella.
Jk…they are going to Bimini. Easy mistake I think.
The ladies take a very small and scary plane to the island of Bimini and they have never seen anything like it. There is white sand, blue waters. Then they see the house and isn’t it amazing? No, actually it isn’t. Not in comparison to previous seasons, what is happening ABC? Spent too much on the wine brand you started? I’m not sure why they are so excited but they are…I think it’s the turquoise paint, I cant be sure. What I do know is that we just flew approximately 1500 kilometers to see the same damn thing that we saw in St. Thomas. Yes, I googled it.
ONE-ON-ONE #1: Vanessa Lied to Us All
For anyone who is still watching this show through rose colored glasses that the women promote on their instagrams, let me remove those for you. It has been revealed that Vanessa has a IMDB page and she is looking to be and actress. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s the site you end up on almost as much as wikipedia when you google actors. Welcome to the 21st century.
So, that being said, Vanessa is a liar too. Who would have thought that the only honest soul in this house was Corinne?
Vanessa meets Nick on a yacht and tells us she has never been on a boat before (lies). While Vanessa wears a romper, Nick accepts the challenge and decides to wear something even shorter. I did see him tweet during the episode that even he was uncomfortable watching his shorts…but you cant take that back. I can’t unsee that.
Since Taylor is gone, it seems Vanessa is trying to fill her shoes and be the philosophical one, advising Nick that “you are as unhappy as the least happy person in the relationship.” Interesting take, Vanessa. Now, who would you say is the least happy person out of the seven of you? My money is on Corinne, who is back at the house saying how you suck and she’s frustrated and bloated.
Nick and Vanessa go scuba diving and if there is one thing I know sounds enjoyable, it’s making out while having on the goggles with the nose…that’s the scientific name for them I’m sure. Those are for practical use you idiots, get your mind out of the gutter and snorkel.
God, Alexis would have loved this date.
As we know, Nick has no social skills so the women must do all of the talking. Unfortunately, that can lead someone to run their mouth and express all of their thoughts, and tonight that is Vanessa. Not that these are her real thoughts, she’s a liar, but let’s pretend. Vanessa decides that tonight is the night to tell Nick she is falling for him (lies) and production decides to really go to town on the music. It was a medley of Pride and Prejudice meets Homeward Bound. I’d love for Shadow to come running over the sand dunes of Bimini thought, I would lose my shit.
Not going to lie, cried a little watching this gif.
After pouring half her cold heart out, Nick responds by bringing up his two failed engagements and three failed seasons once again, because that never gets old. Neither does telling the woman you are trying to date, how you’ve said “I love you” a few times before so now you want to save it and for it to mean something. I’m sure it’s even hard when you are an actress and playing a part to have your love rejected like that. At least it is if you are a method actor, but I haven’t discovered that much about Vanessa’s thespian career as of yet. Check back later.
Big take away from this date is that Vanessa was cocky and expected him to say I love you. Most actors do research, she should have watched the show and learned that no one is going to allow Nick to pull a Ben Higgins. Do your homework, Vanessa.
THREE-ON-ONE DATE: Baby, There’s A Shark In The Water
Please tell me someone else remembers that song.
After assuming she would be getting a one-on-one date, Corinne, along with Raven and Kristina, are selected for a three-on-one. I had a mental freak out for a minute that this meant Rachel and Danielle would have a two-on-one, but for once ABC put me out of my misery early and said they were both getting a date.
The three women make there way to another boat and I’d just like to know what is going on with the weather over in St. Thomas and Bimini? It looks miserable and very overcast all the time, but this does not stop Nick from taking us on another boat ride. This time with floral short shorts.
Since it is so cloudy, it is only fitting that Nick apply sunscreen like he’s doing a PSA. A PSA that no small children should watch. I would have worried about Corinne who seems more fair (Raven is a lost cause, she laid in a tanning bed for a week before getting here) but instead he helps lather up the bronzed beauty, Kristina. He makes sure to let us know what a lucky man he is, all while announcing that he needs to rub sunscreen on her “inner thigh” area. I’m assuming Corinne, Raven and the crew are already drunk or someone would have tossed him overboard after that.
Nick announces that they are going scuba diving again. Just a reminder, scuba diving on this show is when you put on the goggles with the nose and float around, so those of you at home who, like me, thought you’d never scuba dived before? You were sadly mistaken.
And because they haven’t already hurt me enough this season, they announce that these will be in shark infested waters. This hurts me for several reasons. First, while she didn’t know she was a shark, I still think this would be THE PERFECT DATE FOR ALEXIS. Second, I HATE SHARKS. Fire, flying, sharks, those are my three big no-nos, and, while not as interesting as Alexis’, they are very real. You idiots who keep demanding Shark Week to return, you make me sick.
While I would have told Nick to kindly go drown himself if told to get in the water, these women are in it for the love and happily put on their “scuba gear”. But first, some thoughts from the ladies. Corinne asks “are they toothless?” I believe she, like myself, is wondering why anyone would do this, but unlike kitty cats, these monsters are not declawed. Or detoothed. Kristina lets us know she is aware they “can bite…and smell blood…and kill you”. Thank god she got to that last part on her own, I was going to feel awful if she got in the water and didn’t know.
Raven says that the other women will most likely get eaten by the sharks because they can smell fear which would work out well for her because she would get the group date rose by default. Please remember, Raven was the woman who beat a man with her stiletto, none of the above should surprise any of us.
After doggy paddling around, Kristina sees a stark and removes herself from the water while trying not to have a panic attack. Bravo to her I say, the smartest idiot to get out of the shark infested waters first.
Nick follows so he can comfort/make out with her. Such a gentleman. We then flash to Corinne in the water, searching for Nick. No one seems to care besides me. And probably Raquel watching at home. Corinne gets back on the boat to see what is happening with Kristina and Nick and to find champagne. Raven exits last and I assume she was off on her own, making out with the sharks to show them she wasn’t afraid and because she’s getting no attention on this date.
And yes, America, it has not escaped my notice that there was not one shot of them actually with a shark. I wouldn’t put it past them to lie about this.
The evening portion of the date arrives and Corinne either got a lot of sun or is wasted. I’m guessing it’s a combination of both, but who knows. Nick talks to Kristina first so that Corinne has a reason to work herself into a tizzy. Nick makes Kristina tell him how special she felt to get the one-on-one last week, and I think about beating him with my sneaker (I can’t rock a stiletto like Raven and I don’t try to). He then proceeds to cry and I have zero idea why. Sorry, I just lost focus and have no will to rewind it.
Back on the sofa, Corine is discussing the importance of this date. She says “it’s a huge date tonight…and I’m just eating cheese”.
Raven then gets to talk to Nick and decide tells us about her “daddy” and that she was in law school when he got sick. I never knew she went to law school, that sort of threw me for a curve ball. Nick asks if her dad is in remission and I am not sure if she even answered before he moved on from the heavy stuff and went to find Corinne.
Corinne is ready to tell Nick she wanted a one-on-one and I am actually impressed with Nick’s mind manipulations here. Either she is really drunk or he just pulled one over on her and told her their connection is so strong from the beginning that they don’t need a one-on-one. They talked twice on that first night before he talked to half the women he says….okay, taking up the defense for Corinne who is too drunk to make up her own defense and is one of the few that didn’t go to law school. Nick, just because you liked her night one does not mean that rolls over six episodes later. That’s like two months in dog days, it’s time she had a date to herself.
Because Nick paid attention to Kristina the most this date and we all assume she will receive it, Raven gets the group date rose.
We leave Corinne with her cheese and Raven and Nick go down to the beach were it seems the ten inhabitants of Bimini gather once a month to listen to some native music. JK, it seems that an American artist whose name I missed is on tour in Bimini. What a coincidence…
ONE-ON-ONE #2: Silence is Platinum
It’s Danielle’s date and I couldn’t be less excited. I’m sorry, but seriously. I said from the beginning that both the Danielle’s (RIP D. LO.) put me to sleep when they talk. This girl seems very sweet, but between the two of them, I don’t know who mumbles more.
Because we consider scuba gear to mean something completely different here at ABC, we also are going to take liberties with the date card that said something about riding off into the sunset. For me, and Danielle I think, this means something like a horse ride on the beach. Danielle thought it was a boat, but since she is a natural blonde (I think) we will allow her one dumb comment this season. But it is not a horse or a boat. They are bikes. And it is afternoon. I 100% could have misheard that date card, but I don’t think so.
As they ride along, Nick asks if Danielle has heard anything about the island. Of course she has, she lives with Vanessa who shares random facts during the awkward silence. Nick then proceeds to tell her that, supposedly, the Fountain of Youth was found here. I was totally ready to call bullshit on this one, but after looking at wikipedia it seems that this might be the truth. More interesting than this is the fact that we are 50 miles from Miami…50 MILES FROM RAQUEL. Does Corinne know this?? I doubt it, but now that I do, you must give her a hometown date.
Back to Danielle…well, not much here. They sit on a bench and while Nick would like to pretend that this awkwardness is all her fault, it’s not. You did this, sir. Nick thinks that with every lull in conversation, that means it’s time to talk about the pressure of hometowns, something the women cant speak on as they have never done a hometown. Unlike some people. Nick tries to save the date by saying Danielle is “fun to have fun with” and her “face is pretty great” too.
During the evening portion, Danielle decides to open up and tell Nick she is open to being open. I begin to doze, only to be awoken by the soft sobs of Danielle M. who is yet another casualty of Nick’s need to avoid Rose Ceremonies. I am completely shocked. Truly, confused once again by Nick’s abrupt need to end things with someone who seemed to be a front runner. Nick has told Danielle that he cant keep her here anymore and while I am not sad to see her conversation (or lack there of) leave, I will say that she is a very beautiful crier. Good luck, Danielle. You didn’t make it here but maybe you can book another country music video gig.
ONE-ON-ONE #3: Never Jiggle, Lightly Massage
Back at the house, Danielle is packing up her things in a rush since she didn’t take heed to Chris Harrison’s “most dramatic season yet” intro at the beginning of the season. Rookie mistake. The women are trying to fake emotions at seeing her go, but these ladies are relieved they are one step closer to hometowns.
Corinne decides that since Nick is so unpredictable, she will have to bring out her old friend Platinum to do the work for her. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, go back and watch. I am not using that language on this blog, I don’t make the rules here (yes I do), I just follow them (no I don’t). Vagina. She is referring to her vagina, which we will now call Platinum.
Corinne arrives at Nick’s hotel room which is in another hotel all together. That didn’t stop Corinne and the camera crew from popping over for a quick nightcap though. Corinne uses the excuse of wanting to make sure he was okay (no he’s not, he’s a 36-year-old man on a reality TV show looking for “love”) and Nick doesn’t really care. I know Corinne (Chris Harrison) orchestrated this, but Nick has been waiting for it all season and shuts her up and starts making out. Then Corinne tells him to go to his bedroom.
Nick: “What do you have in mind….” (like he doesn’t know)
Corinne: “Two hands on at all times. No jiggling, just massaging.”
DEAR LORD THEY ARE LEAVING VERY LITTLE UP TO THE IMAGINATION. I tried to close my ears listening to these two horn dogs sloppy make out session, but I couldn’t. What I want to know is if Corinne educates everyone she’s with on the no jiggling rule or if Nick started something and she felt the need to tell him that. Before anything gets super interesting, Nick stops Corinne and my heart stops. I really did not think this man could say no, especially to Platinum. But he does. Because of the other “fi-four” women left. I can not have been the only one to notice over Nick stumbling over how many women were left, he cant even keep up with himself.
Nick sends Corinne home and she waddles away in her Louboutins. And I mean she really waddles, she is not doing anything to help that company out. Not that they need help, but she really cant walk in those. As she leaves, she choses to skip the automatic doors and open the side door herself. I feel like she’s patting herself on the back and mumbling to herself “and I took the road less traveled”.
Robert Frost, people. Google it.
One-on-One #4: Rachel is the Bachelorette, Let’s Not Waste Time
For those of you who ignore the news and only come to me (I don’t think there are many of you), let me tell you a not so little secret. Rachel has already been named the next Bachelorette.
Yes, ABC leaked their own story announce Rachel as the Bachelorette, which is the weirdest thing ever since she is still in this thing. I was in several group texts where this was revealed to those who did not want it revealed and I feel like they may have an uprising on their hands. You don’t spoil your own show, idiots.
Nick decides to take Rachel to a spot where only the locals hang out, no tourists…besides them…and their camera crew. I’m sure they were thrilled. Nick steers the conversation back to hometowns and Rachel does a good job of pretending to care what he’s whining about. I wonder if they already told her she’s the next Bachelorette? Anywho, Nick is nervous for hometowns and doesn’t want to insult her family by asking for her hand in marriage when they know he’s asked before. Slow you roll. You have to get through Sammy aka Rachel’s “daddy”. Why the women need to say daddy on this show is beyond me, but they keep saying it.
The bartender chimes in and asks how they met. Nick starts to tell a story about a limo and I drift off wondering what my life would be without cable or television like this man…he then, being the bartender he is, offers wise advice that most likely wasn’t asked for, but was desperately needed. He says to “make sure this guy needs you, not just wants you”. While I think we have established that this man is very needy, I don’t think that’s what our bartender means.
ROSE CEREMONY: Ha, Yeah Right
Rachel’s date was maybe an hour and she saunters back into the house to say how amazing it was. I would be worried if I was her and my date was that short, but I guess when you find out you’re the Bachelorette, you don’t really give a shit.
Corinne is having a panic attack in the living room with Raven and Rachel and I suddenly realize that we have not seen our lying friend Vanessa in several dates. I would like to think that she left to go pursue her acting career elsewhere, but really I just think she has gone searching for the Fountain of Youth. She only has so many years left of being able to snag roles as Girl #1 or Girl #7 so she needs all the help she can get. I wonder what she’ll get done first when she gets back to Canada?
Nick and Chris Harrison are chatting at the other hotel and I already know where this is headed. Nick has a fear of Rose Ceremonies and speaking in public and is going to skip everything to send one lady home. What is it with this man? I realize that production has made Rose Ceremonies a joke now by adding very telling music, but can’t you do anything right this season? You’re making us quickly regretting asking for you to be the Bachelor….oh wait, WE DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS.
Nick decides that he’s not even going to wait for tonight and is going to pull one of the women aside to speak with her now, but doesn’t want to do it in front of the other women. He then enters the house and announces he is looking for Kristina.
Nick takes the reluctant Kristina to talk and tells her how amazing she is and how he wants her to stay. But she can’t. Kristina is having trouble it seems wrapping her had around this, and it’s not a language barrier thing, I am confused too. I hate when the Bachelor eliminates someone while telling them how perfect they are, it just makes things harder on these fools. He says that she deserves someone who doesn’t tell her they have stronger relationships forming with the other women. Yeah, of course she doesn’t deserve that, in any other circumstance that’s called cheating you idiot.
Nick forces a hug onto the rejected Kristina and sends her inside to face the other women. Luckily, she’s packed this time for hometowns…at least she’s headed home anyway?
So, now to the important stuff. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? Are we meeting Raquel? Are they all getting a hometown date? IS CORINNE GOING TO WIN THE WHOLE DAMN THING??
Don’t say it didn’t cross your mind.
A storm seems to be blowing in and while usually this means that the drama is far from over, I’m hoping they are just showing us that it’s still raining in the Caribbean. Wishful thinking on my part, it seems we are still going to be stuck on this hellish island when we return next week.
To anyone living on the island of Bimini, none of this is your fault.