I never thought I’d say this, but I like Mondays. I can’t say love until Bachelor Monday becomes a holiday and we have four day weeks, but I do like it right now.
What I don’t like is lying. And that’s what ABC did tonight, they lied. We ended last week on this big cliff hanger of Taylor busting in on Corinne and Nick’s date after being left in a swamp and came back expecting some drama. Not the case. First, Taylor continued to wander the streets of New Orleans, the really empty streets that are no where near civilization. The last episode we saw her arrive at the date, but she must have thought she had the wrong place because we work are way back to her arriving again, which wastes a lot of time, thanks Taylor. Then she comes in and says “Corinne, you lied. Nick, can we talk?”
All that time and that’s the best she could do. So sad.
The best part of Taylor’s weak comeback was Corinne mumbling shit to herself and chugging champagne. Taylor just tells Nick to “open his eyeballs” and that she knows she was sent home because of Corinne’s “lies” and she cares about him. Nick says “like thanks so much for telling me your feelings, but I don’t care, she’s hot.”
Also, Taylor learned a new expression this episode that got a lot of use in her final minutes: flat out.
The women were not surprised to see Taylor go because, duh, Corinne has better boobs and production wants to meet Nanny Raquel. Corinne also tells us she has learned something this evening. “Cats have nine lives and bitches have two”.
Not sure I get that, but I’m going to let you have that one, Corrine.
Again, only one Rose Ceremony tonight and at the top of the show, but this time we can’t complain….another Rose Ceremony and we’d be at the Finale next week. Raven lets us know that she has been in five Rose Ceremonies now. I’m guessing she is wanting clarify that she showed up for five as opposed to Corrine, who only has four under her belt.
While the ladies discuss how nice it will be to get some time with Nick before the roses get passed out, it suddenly becomes apparent that there is one thing that hasn’t happened this season… a cancelled Cocktail Hour. Coincidently, Chris Harrison arrives.
Corinne suddenly realizes that this means no abundance of free alcohol and starts chugging her champagne. I have a feeling that eventually she is going to drink the show out of their champagne budget and she is going to be very angry.
Substitue champagne for rum and it works, people. Moving on.
And now, for the most devastating moment of the entire night. The moment we have all be dreading. The moment I feared. This evening we say goodbye to Alexis. Dolphin, you have given us so much this season. You taught us about ocean life, about aliens, about Nicholas Cage. While we have always laughed at the women on this show, you taught us that we can (sometimes) laugh with them. How we will go on without you, I don’t know. See you in Paradise my precious. We will try to keep swimming in your honor.
And Whitney makes it which is just infuriating, WHO ARE YOU?
ONE-ON-ONE: Nick Finally Has Time to Talk
Nick announces that we are headed to the beautiful island of St. Thomas and I have never hated this show more. YOU DIDN’T THINK ALEXIS SHOULD MAYBE GO TO A BEACH? SWIM WITH DOLPHINS OR SHARKS? WHERE DO YOUR LOYALTIES LIE ABC?
Nick arrives and we have three women who have yet to have one-on-ones: Jasmine, Kristina and (wannabe Vanessa) Whitney. While Jasmine is sure it is her time, Nick chooses Kristina to go with him. Jasmine proceeds to cry about it and I am embarrassed for her. No woman should be chasing a man who wears tank tops and short shorts.
Not okay, sir.
Kristina is very excited to get someone one-on-one time with Nick. Nick, on the other hand, seems to have talked to production and just wants to get the full story on Kristina’s past that she tried to tell him weeks ago. She tells him that she was born in Russia (yep, got that) and that she has a sister there that she found later in life. That’s enough sentimental stuff for Nick and he suggests they go take a dip and make out.
After frolicking in the water, we go to dinner when Nick once again asks for Kristina’s story. While she says she really doesn’t tell a lot of people, she thinks this is the only way for her to connect with Nick and I hate him for putting all of this pressure on her. I hate him even more when she tells us that her mom told her to leave when she was five or six because she ate some of the food in the house, which wasn’t actually food it was lipstick. She was then in an orphanage for seven years and was adopted when she was twelve. She didn’t want to leave the family she had made at the orphanage, but one of the teachers told her “if you stay your life will be in black and white, but if you go you will live it in color.”
Kristina, you don’t need that rose, you are better than all of this. If Rachel wasn’t already our next Bacherlorette, we would choose you.
Kristina gets the rose because she is a good person and deserves only the best, which isn’t Nick, but we don’t want her sad.
GROUP DATE: One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Cry
While Kristina was discussing actual real life problems on her date, back at the house ABC decided to hire the ladies a maid name Lorna. I cannot believe we actually did this on the same episode and I am ashamed for you ABC. I am also curious if any of the other women interacted with her or if Corinne paid for this addition because she seems to be the only person talking to Lorna.
The date card arrives and after reading the names, we realized that Danielle L and Whitney (still don’t know) are going on a two-on-one. More thoughts on this later.
Jasmine is pissed to be going on her sixth group date. I’m sure Danielle L and Whit would be happy to switch, but then what would she have to bitch about? This date consists of the women getting drunk on margaritas (Corinne chose white wine it seems) and playing volleyball. While previews led us to believe that Corinne causes drama on this date, that is not the case. In fact, there is no evidence as to what caused this date to go to hell, but it went there in a hand basket.
It seems that after playing volleyball and getting drunk, every single woman besides Raven and Corrine decide that this is all beneath them. They find that competing for Nick’s attention is degrading and didn’t come here to play games.
Can I just ask what show they thought this was? It is a competition for Nick’s “heart”, ladies. At least when they add a game in they are being more honest about it. And why do all of the women tell us they have been so patient while waiting? None of you are patient. If you were patient you would have waited in a bar for someone to hit on you like the rest of us. Instead you joined a television show where you now have no intention of “competing”. I know Nick is gross, but at least try and pretend.
It’s safe to say that while Raven and Corinne are the only ones who can handle their alcohol, it’s Raven who can handle it and make a funny all at once. First, she says “Corinne would probably be good at volleyball….if she wasn’t drunk”. Ten points for Ravenclaw (she would totally be in Ravenclaw right??)
Then, after watching Jasmine start taking dives for the volleyball and shoving people to the ground all while saying “I’ve never played this before!” Raven has a revelation that she was gracious enough to share with the camera crew. “If Jasmine were a vegetable she would be a turnip because she is getting TURNT UP.”
I can’t even be mad that she 100% memorized that and had it waiting in the wings, it was everything.
When the ladies get dolled up and have more to drink, Nick notices the tension and wants to salvage the night. I don’t know how that’s possible since we still don’t know exactly what went wrong, but I hope he can fix it because I am about one episode away from syncing up wth these ladies who seem to PMSing together now. I imagine that production doesn’t feel too safe in a house with a bunch of hormonal women who have now synced up.
While each of the ladies talk to Nick, it is clear that no one is going to get this night back on track. They are all still wrecked and pretty emotional so Nick just encourages them to share their feelings while making eye contact with their cleavage. Jasmine though has done lost her damn mind. I don’t know if it’s the tequila (which there seemed to be a lot of) or the sun (which there seemed to be none of), but she has gone crazy. Even production cant listen to her anymore because they just play music over her speaking while the women fall deeper into a drunken stupor.
Jasmine finally gets her one-on-one time and I have zero hope that she will come through on the other side. After telling Nick that she just wants some validation and just wants to go into a Rose Ceremony with a rose and be able to come home after a date and show the women her rose….wait. Do you want Nick or do you just want the glory?
I’m not sure what she wants because she rambles on for so long. She says all the times she has waited for him to choose her and he hasn’t, she says she wants to punch him in the face. Or put him in the “chokey”. No joke, she says all of this all while reaching for Nick’s neck to demonstrate. This really doesn’t resemble love to me, I am actually kind of concerned.
Just when I think it cant get weirder or more desperate, Jasmine turns 50 Shades of Crazy on Nick and makes the whole thing sexual. I know what book Jasmine read at book club before joining the show.
Watching how uncomfortable Nick is with her reaching for his neck and trying to get kinky, is maybe one of the saddest things ever. If you cant turn horn dog Nick on, they you need a new strategy. I’m not sure they can even invite her onto Paradise now, that felt so not PG.
Nick sends Jasmine home because while he likes whipped cream, he does not like choking. Fair.
TWO-ON-ONE: You’re Like Really Pretty
Yes, that is how the group date ended. Commercial break and then suddenly back at the house. The women are sleeping three to a bed and we find out that they aren’t too shocked Jazz went home and that Raven got the group date rose. Thanks for telling us Raven of the rose, ABC. It’s obviously because she held her alcohol the best and production told Nick about her clever jokes.
Danielle and Whitney head out for the two-on-one and I have to admit, I kind of thought this wasn’t going to be a real thing. While I have no idea who Whitney is, the women seem to feel that she is going to come back and that Danielle is gone because she is not right for him….what do they know that we don’t? She’s female, isn’t she? That’s enough for Nick.
We head to an island, traveling by helicopter and I want ABC to know I saw this from a mile away. You can’t do this date again, Olivia and Twin #2 did this on Ben’s season and I cant watch another girl get left on an island as someone flies away.
Just kidding, I totally could watch that again. What an ending.
Nick speaks to Whit first and I am happy to see that at least they left her a bed for when they leave her. She can work on her tan. Nick speaks to Whit for the first time this season and while struggling to find anything to say, settles on “you’re really pretty”.
Seriously, Whitney, get out while you can. If that is the best he can do, you don’t want him. And you shouldn’t want him anyway because he’s disgusting and a child, but definitely not after that. Then he goes to talk to Danielle who we discover the girls call D. Lo. I don’t care that there are two Danielle’s this season, that is the worst nickname ever and is repeated 20 times throughout the last 30 minutes. Stop.
D. Lo and Nick’s conversation consists of like a lot of feelings and Danielle like really likes that she and Nick are like so connected. Seriously, I say “like” a lot but I am making an promise to myself now that I will work on it. Between the two of them, they say it more than they take in air.
Nick realize then that he needs to go tell Whitney that he doesn’t see a future with her. I don’t know how he had such an easy time ditching Taylor, but with Whitney, it is obvious that he didn’t even give her a chance. She stands her ground, pointing out that he’s just picking the girl he’s spent more time with and he stands his ground saying that he wants to give her the rose, but in his heart he cant, proving that certain attributes are more important than others.
Oh, Dolphin. We miss you so much already.
Whitney leaves, but not before starting a new tradition of dates ending in an SOS.
At the dinner portion of the date, D. Lo believes it was “good of Nick to send Whitney home once he knew”. Someone’s got a confidence boost. The dinner portion consists of the same nonsense that these two spew. They like really like dancing and like that’s like their thing now. Danielle like believes that like love is good for a relationship and Nick thinks like adventure is.
For the thousandth time this season, Nick can not look Danielle in the eyes, but it seems this time that it’s not because he’s distracted by her plunging top. He’s getting awkward. The music has suddenly changed from notes of happiness and like love to something ominous…Nick sends D. Lo home too!!!
She said this before being asked to leave….hella awkward watching that back last night I am sure D. Lo.
PS to whoever composed that little number leading up to the break up, well done. Gave me all the feels.
Nick tells her that while he wants to give her this rose, in his heart he cant….wait a minute. Are you reusing lines on people? And on the same date no less?
Danielle is blindsided and so are the other women who are still all sitting in the living room when a man comes to take the second suitcase of the day! I can’t tell if they are drunk and confused or just good actors, but you aren’t fooling me. There is no way you didn’t think something was up when production told you to come back down to the living room.
Just when the women finally think they can go to bed, Nick burst through the unlocked door, making me concerned for their safety, and for his sanity. He comes in, already crying, to state the obvious. That he sent both women home.
Then he goes on to say what a shock this is for him because he saw a future with Danielle and it all just like fell flat. Now he is worried the same thing will happen with these women. I’d say say that Corinne, Kristina and Vanessa seem to be the only remaining members of the titty brigade so that’s a fair fear, but it seems Nick is for once thinking about relationships falling flat and not boobs. That’s a first, but okay.
He is afraid now that he won’t find someone, which is a fair fear, but then maybe don’t send home three girls in one episode? Also, don’t come barreling into the remaining women’s room and put fake tears in and pretend you are at an audition for Les Miserable. And also, don’t tell the women how much you really like the girl you just sent home and then storm out saying you don’t know if you can do this. It begs the question, is he stable?
If only that were the case.
We don’t get a TO BE CONTINUED, but we know that Nick is far from over this meltdown. Also seems a hurricane is hitting Saint Thomas, because we relate the weather and music to our feelings.
As for bloopers, I will make no mention of them from here on out as they are no longer about Alexis and therefore unworthy of our time and painful to watch.