Before I begin this week’s recap, I need to make a correction.  It seems I have been spelling Corinne’s name with two r’s as opposed to correctly with two n’s.  I realized this as I was tweeting at her last night (not with her, at her) and felt I needed to come clean.  Now, on to the recap.

WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH?!?! Seriously, I get it was New Orleans, but come on ABC…it was all pretty weird even for you all.

First things first, it seemed ABC decided that, since Chris Harrison has given up on his hosting responsibilities, it was time to bring in some back up.  So, at commercial breaks we had Gaston and his little friend make not-so-subtle plugs for the premier of Beauty and the Beast.  I’m not sure if we were supposed to see a correlation between Belle and the women, who are very pretty, but I’m guessing some of them aren’t big readers.  And then Nick and the Beast, the Beast running out of time to break the spell and only can if he finds true love. Nick…well same deal I guess, he’s donzo if he can’t convince someone this season.

ROSE CEREMONY

We left off with Corinne and Taylor having their fight about the definition of emotional intelligence.  While I thought I knew what it was, I can easily say now that I am thoroughly confused and I think I lost some actual brain cells watching this.  Wouldn’t be the first time.

For the first time in the history of this show, I was totally shocked because, although the fight started with them discussing Corinne’s flaws, she suddenly flipped the tables on Taylor and said the women in the house didn’t like Taylor, she was a bully and she was not here for the right reasons.

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Production, how did we know none of this??? Apparently Taylor doesn’t even say hello to half the women in the house and no one likes her.  Production then decides to show us a few confessionals where the women do sort of imply that Taylor is a biatch.  Fascinating.  Taylor defends all of these accusations by saying that “going out of the way to say hi to everyone in the house” is fake and “no one has to like everyone”…so you are a bitch?  OMG, this actually is all true.  She is actually handing this argument to Corinne.

Corinne then goes to tell Nick about Taylor’s bad attitude towards the women while Taylor decides to go yell about how unproductive their conversation was.  She isn’t your client, Taylor, calm down. Raven even learned how to pronounce psychoanalyze these past few weeks while waiting for production to ask her about Taylor, that’s how much of a “Mental Health Counselor” she is in the house.  Nick’s reaction to Corinne’s information about Taylor is par for the course, “thank you for sharing”. He also encourages her to “go forward with this emotional maturity.”

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The look of utter confusion.

The Rose Ceremony gives us some dramatic music that we don’t need or want.  We know Taylor is staying, ABC, you can’t fool us. And don’t even mess with Rachel, girlfriend is our next Bachelorette, we have already decided.  The only thing that matters is that the light of our lives, Alexis, makes it through….and she does!

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After Corinne and Taylor both get a rose, Taylor express her professional opinion that we never asked for once again, saying Corinne is skilled at emotional manipulation….but you think she’s emotionally unintelligent.

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Nick announces to the women (who we have watched almost freeze to death during this Rose Ceremony) that we are taking another trip, this time to…..New Orleans!  You’d think they’d won the lottery, that’s how excited they are to be leaving Wisconsin.  But even though they all know they are headed towards warmer climates, Alexis gives us a clue that it’s about to get even worse in Bachelorville.

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While I think this phrase is applicable, her teasing me about the five months left until the return of Game of Thrones is a little harsh.  But I still love her, can’t help it.

Chris Harrison gives us his second, and probably last, cameo of the episode to present the ladies with this week’s schedule.  Aka he needs to explain the two-on-one we all knew was coming but have to act surprised about.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE: America, Meet Your Next Bachelorette

The one-on-one this week goes to Rachel, the First Impression Rose recipient and our next Bachelorette.  Rachel, if you can just hold on a little longer you will have your pick of litter in just a few months, stay strong.

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Nick and Rachel go through the streets of Louisiana, antiquing (which seems to be one of Nick’s favorite things) and eating and interesting assortment of food and making our at random and often inappropriate times (another of Nick’s favorite things).  Rachel decides to get herself an oysters because they are aphrodisiacs.  Even she knows she has to find something to make her attracted to Nick. While Nick once again proved to me he his actually entertaining and somewhat charming when silent, there was nothing more disturbing that watching his creepy hand claw up Rachel’s arm during their date.

The evening portion of the date has Nick and Rachel having one of the best convo of the season, probably because Rachel is an angel. Nick tells her how he wants to meet her parents, pretty much guaranteeing her a spot in the final four and therefore ensuring she is our next Bachelorette…thanks, Nick!  Then Nick says “I may be breaking the rules saying this, but I’m really into you.”  For a moment there, I actually liked Nick.

But Nick, try not to say too much. We all know what happened when Ben decided to share his feelings.

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Rachel get’s the rose, duh.

GROUP DATE: Production Took Acid

This date takes place in a haunted house with an eight-year-old girl named Mae and a caretaker/tour guide named Boo who is a bit scary, but makes a mean mint julep.

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Boo tells us that Mae died when she was eight and, like most little girls, she has good days and bad.  I think if Mae needs some disciplining, we need to call in Nanny Raquel, she’s available right now.

Mae usually gets upset because she had to leave her doll behind when she went to the after world.  To make matters worse, Boo put the doll resembling Chuckie in a box that I feel like an eight-year-old could not open.  Of course she’s pissed, Boo. While most of the women respect the ghost and are at least humoring this, Raven says that “if we see a ghost I’m going to rebut that thing in the name of Jesus.”  At least that’s what I think she said, Raven’s accent has gotten so thick since they headed south.

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I don’t know how I would react on this date with the ouija board and the lights flickering in and out, but I don’t think I’d do well.  Vanessa is the only smart one in this bunch who declines playing the Jumanji game.  The game tells them that he will give the group date rose to Danielle M. and that Mae is in the room with them.  What it refuses to answer is if Nick will be engaged soon…

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Everyone woman’s face.

Jasmine is the lady who decides to mock the date hardcore and dances around in Mae’s hat.  Two things to note here, one being that she has a very small head to fit in an eight-year-old’s hat and two is that she picked up a hat on the bed.  I’m going to take this time to tell everyone that putting a hat on the bed is bad luck.  I don’t know how, but many people do no know this and I feel it has become my soul purpose in life to pass on this superstition.

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You’re welcome.

Jasmine begins back peddling hard core once shit start shattering around the house and a chandelier falls from the ceiling.  I’m not going to say I told you so, Jazzy, but just remember what I said.  Considering this house is fairly old, I am going to assume that the ladies will be visiting Disney World next because whatever is left in their travel budget is going to pay back Boo for all the damages.  Actually, Corinne would probably love to go to Disney World.

Because the multiple Beauty and the Beast previews weren’t enough of a plug, the group date rose has been placed in the same container from Beauty and the Beast.

I encourage everyone to go back to episode two and the Break Up Museum WHERE I MADE A BEAUTY AND THE BEAST REFERENCE BECAUSE I AM A GENIUS.

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And while you’d think the ghost or Boo or my act of genius would be the biggest take away from this date, it was none of those.  It was the one-on-one time Nick spent with Raven.  Dear Raven who makes me laugh and seems pretty normal…until she said that rollerblading with Nick was the moment she fell in love with him.

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I take it all back.  She is not sane.  How could I think she was sane when she admitted to beating a man with a stiletto. This is not someone who has a handle on their emotions.  I’m never thought anyone would been Robbie from JoJo’s season in the earlier admission of love, but she just beat him by a land slide.

Danielle M. gets the rose because to win Jumanji you have to finish the game.

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Raven contemplates beating herself with a stiletto, that’s how foolish I think she feels.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE: Voodoo You, I’ll Do Me

Once the ladies were revealed for the group date, everyone had to pretend to be shocked that it was Taylor and Corinne going on the two-on-one.

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And the Oscar goes to…..Taylor, who still maintains confusion as to why she was chosen for the two-on-one for the entire date.  She’s either good actress or actually hasn’t seen the show.

While the ladies were at the group date, Corinne and Taylor prepared for their two-on-one date in very different ways.  Taylor did a seance in the hotel hallway, repeating her mantra softly to herself over and over again: emotional intelligence, emotional intelligence, emotional intelligence.

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Corinne had quite a different evening.  While doing a face mask and taking a bubble bath, she also wrestled with a champagne bottle and pleaded for it to open.  I respected her dedication and feel like many women watched that scene and felt her pain.  She then ordered room service aka wine, a steak, a cesar salad, buffalo wings and mac and cheese.  I’m pretty sure I saw cake too.

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Not Raquel’s cheesy noodles and cucumber special, but I have to admit that as I watched this I never felt more of a kinship with her than any other contestant in the history of this show…what does that say about me?

Side Note: Do the women always have to pay for their own room service or is production taking advantage of Corinne’s multi million dollar business? I was not pleased when Corinne had to ask for change.  We know you have enough money to feed them ABC, especially after you forked out nothing for the dates in Wisconsin.

Corinne and Taylor’s date is them traveling on a dinky boat down the swamp and then walking through what Corinne called a jungle (swamp, but nice try) scattered with snakes and fake bones. I would have made this decision very easy for Nick and gone home before I got on the boat.  I would have gone home the minute I got their night one and  I realize Rachel was destined to be the  Bachelorette, but this isn’t about me.  It’s not really about Nick either this season, am I the only one to see that?

They arrive at some kind of voodoo chanting session and the woman tells them they will have their palms or spirits or whatever read.  Production, I know where this is headed, but can you try and not make it evident that you hired a paid actor to play fortune teller?  I hate when you don’t even try to hide that you are the puppet master.

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While Taylor get’s her fortune told, Nick and Corinne go sit on a log.  Corinne uses this time wisely to tell Nick that, although he may not know it, she and Taylor have been having problems.  Um, yeah I think that was obvious when production told him who they selected for the two-on-one date.

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She says that Taylor has been bullying her and calling her stupid.  Nick pulls a Taylor and reverts to a therapy session asking “how did that make you feel?”You are not a therapist, Nick.  Taylor is not a therapist.  Stop trying to psychoanalyze people, Corinne answers to two people.  Raquel and her actual therapist.

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Taylor meanwhile is being told that she is “queen of cups”, which I guess means she’s intuitive and in touch with feelings.  She also says that Taylor is dealing with negative energy around her. Fabulous, thanks Madame Gypsy-Chef-Aspiring Actress. As if Taylor didn’t need more ammo, now she has you telling her that she is in touch with her emotions and the good guy in this date scenario. I loath you almost as much as Nick right now.

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Then Corinne gets her reading.  She receives the “queen of swords” which is someone who is cut and dry and sometimes too harsh.  Sometimes I wonder if production wants us to know that none of this is real. I’m sure the boat captain and those gators were paid actors too. Corinne doesn’t care what she has to say though and just asks for a voodoo doll that she can make specific to one person.

Nick and Taylor discuss what Corinne told Nick and, because this gypsy woman told her not to feed into the drama, she says nothing about Corinne exaggerating the situation and is glad he was shocked by it.

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When she returns to Corinne, the ladies discuss what really happened (I’m guessing maybe only 24 hours ago) and Corinne says what we all have been thinking: how are you a mental health specialist, Taylor?  Taylor does cut Corn off when she says she doesn’t understand how she has a job giving people advice, because apparently that’s not what Taylor does….THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?!?

While Taylor does have many annoying flaws, she too says something that we all have been thinking, “how do you have a multi million dollar company?” Between the two of you, I’d guess both of you would struggle with describing you’re job to us and that you both made up those titles yourselves.

When Nick returns, he has made his decision and chooses the woman he has the most emotional connection with….Corinne.  Corinne, who is emotionally unintelligent but skilled at emotional manipulation.

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Nick hugs Taylor and and then doesn’t walk her out like the gentleman he is and he rides out of the swamp making out with Corn and leaving Taylor to die.

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Luckily, Taylor get’s to stay in camp and hang with her new friend, the other misguided mental health specialist aka gypsy.  Here is where things get weird again and Taylor participates in a crazy ritual in the dark. Still in the swamp.  What she discovers is that she is the “water sign” (no idea) and needs to tell Nick he made a mistake.

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How do we find these people?  It seemed Taylor finally realized she wasn’t getting anywhere and decided she wanted to be on Bachelor in Paradise so she’s going to prove that she’s no better than the rest of these fools.

Taylors final words before dropping in on Corinne’s date is that she is “emotionally intuitive and aware”.  Dear lord, help me understand this.  According to Taylor, Corinne is emotionally unintelligent while also being skilled at emotional manipulation, while Taylor is emotionally intelligent as well as emotionally intuitive and aware.  And Nick just wants the girl he connects with most on an emotional level aka wants to hook up with….

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We, shockingly, get a TO BE CONTINUED and I am so mentally drained by all the emotions and disturbed by the spiritual craziness that I am glad it’s over.

Luckily, ABC see leaves us with Nick and Alexis chilling at the haunted house.  Nick decides to really freak her out and put on a Nicolas Cage mask and force her to make out with him. I think we all know that Alexis is just here at our request and our time with her is limited, so I appreciate ABC making sure to give us just enough of her to keep us coming back.  Keep swimming, Dolphin Queen.

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Never gets old.