This recap goes out to my friend, Gordon, who does not like the Bachelor (weird) so I must keep her entertained somehow.

Safe to say that, after an extra long hiatus, I don’t have the faintest clue where we left off in Scandal.  Seriously, that “Previously…” intro had me all kinds of confused.  I think it would be fair to say I may not have even finished last season, that’s how confused I feel and it hasn’t even started.  Most of this recap with be an actually recap, sprinkled in with shouty caps because that’s what Scandal does to me.  Thanks, Shonda.

We start off with a cabin blowing up.

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Next we head over to a very poorly decorated room where it seems Mellie is hoping to become the Republican Presidential nominee…nope nope wrong. She’s about to become President, according to sexy beast Fitz.  Olivia though, her campaign manager (still nothing is coming back to me, should have rewatched the season finale) doesn’t look to pleased with Fitz’s announcement about Mellie having California.  Jake is there too, probably looking hot, but we flash away very quickly.  It seems a pretty clear story line until Mellie loses.  I really didn’t see that coming….although I probably should have.

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Mellie believes that there is voter fraud and I believe I have had enough politics in the last three months to last me a lifetime.  Olivia finally handles the situation and gets Mellie to call President Elect Vargas and congratulate him aka have the most awkward conversation of all time.  Did they film this after the election or is this just hitting way close to home?

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Then, in what has to be the Twilight Zone, Mellie and Olivia decided to get drunk in the bathroom together.  I don’t know what it is about empty bathtubs and Hollywood trying to make that look like a good place to drink your sorrows away, but it’s not.  IT’s not comfortable at all.

I wish I had someone watching with me because immediately before Vargas was shot, I said he was going to get shot.  Only so much you can fool me on, Shonda.  It takes me a few moments to realize though that with Vargas possibly (probably) about to die, that would make Cyrus Beene President…

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Olivia goes to see the Press Secretary (total assumption there) and asks if Vargas is alive or not.  Unfortunately, it seems he is not going to live. Shonda giveth and she taketh away.

My red headed queen aka Abby is sent to the hospital to get everything under control and boy howdy does she give Miss Pope a run for her money.  Abby’s speech goes something along the lines of “I am in charge now old man and if you have a problem with that then you can go talk to my boss who happens to be The Boss or go cry in a corner.”  I paraphrased that a bit.  I swear, the speech needed background music of some sort, she made that poor man shit his pants I bet.

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Next, Olivia heads to see the worst person ever for an emotional Olivia, her father. Normal relationships would consist of a hug and a shoulder to lean on, but this is just a mental mind game that the lady just does not need.  Luckily, she asks the question that’s been on my mind, “Papa Pope, did you kill him?” and shockingly the answer is no.  If it’s not Papa Pope, I can’t imagine who it could be.  And then, of course, Shonda and Papa Pope drop the first bomb of the night for me.

Cyrus Beene.

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Excuse me?  Are your really trying to tell me that old man Cyrus did this?  Granted, we know he is a sketchy mofo, but really?  Cyrus?  While I am obviously shocked, I don’t know how I didn’t think of this on my own.

Olivia, once again, runs off to tell what Mr. Pope told her, even though he’s lied before.  Fitz, being the wise man he is, needs a little more to go off of then the man who had his son killed, thank the lord, and gives Olivia until morning.  Can I just ask WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?  If the election was that night and they waited on California for what seemed like a long time, isn’t it pretty much dawn?  I mean, it can’t be far off.

Olivia tells Mellie what she knows and, while Mellie is not super surprised by the Cyrus theory, she also has decided she doesn’t want to be President anyway. Finally Mellie has realized that this House has ruined her life and her marriage (naughty Olivia) and is over it.  While I am happy she finally realized that, it really did happen at the weirdest time. But while Mellie may be done wanting to be President, Olivia said she is not.

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We now try and get Puck and Quinn and Charlie, who just wants to go to a beach, to figure out how Cyrus was involved. Then we head back to see that Mellie has decided to put some sweats on and start berating Fitz again all while complimenting him on his presidency.  When Fitz does decide to ask his ex wife if she doesn’t want it anymore, she tells him “I want the crown”.  Oh dear, she’s thought there was a crown involved this entire time?

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Olivia, still on a quest to prove Cyrus guilty (obviously hasn’t seen the show, it’s going to take her an entire season to prove that) rushes to the hospital where Boss Abby is still scaring the grown men.  It seems though that Cyrus Beene is in a state of shock, covered in blood and just staring at Vargas’ body.  One look at Cyrus, who Abby said has been like that for hours, and Olivia rushes back to tell Fitz that she may have gotten ahead of herself on this.

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EXCUSE ME? We just wasted 45 minutes of show time, god only knows how many hours of your fictional lives, on convincing us that it was Cyrus and suddenly Olivia is like “oopsie”?  I’m not sure who Papa Pope brainwashed, Olivia or me.

Back with Quinn and Charlie and Puck, Charlie is still pushing the beach and Puck reveals that he wants to go to propose to Quinn.  So sweet of Shonda to keep the love alive, but unfortunately we must run now because Charlie cant count and didn’t realize there was a voicemail that them missed. While it’s downloading, we can see who left the voicemail and can go check up on that poor soul.  Seems it was someone on Vargas’ campaign and, oh gosh we are back at that cabin from the beginning, with Puck and Quinn a little too close for comfort…also where is this cabin that is sitting IN THE SUNLIGHT. How much travel time do we need to factor in here, I believe morning has come and gone.

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While I am happy it wasn’t something I missed, the poor little lady is about to be toast.  After reliving the explosion we come back to headquarters where it is CLEARLY still morning and listen to Quinn and Charlie get engaged and a voicemail implicated Cyrus Beene in the murder of Vargas.  All while Fitz is backing Beene for President after CONVENIENTLY forgetting to tell Mellie.

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And that is just the first in a long season of twisted episodes.  And while I have many questions, there is one that is driving me nuts….WHERE IS JAKE?

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Bring him back, Shonda. Please.