When I typed the number four today, I realized that we had invested a month into this shit.  The shit being Nick.  Am I ashamed, eh. Am I going to keep watching, duh.

We open with Danielle L. having an epiphany.  No seriously, Danielle says “I had an epiphany.”  I stopped listening after that, that’s what either of the Danielles do to me.  But it’s obvious from the 20 minutes that follows this “epiphany” that we are talking about Corrine, again.  Raven is concerned with Corrine’s need to lead with her sexuality and Taylor is psychoanalysising her.  Different day, some story.

Vanessa is still wrapped up in Nick’s arms on the stoop.  We left with her questioning if Nick wants a wife or….something else. If he isn’t looking for a wife and just wants to fool around she said “I give enough shit to give you back the rose.  That’s how much of a shit I give.”

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Nick then dances around the question, mumbles and then tells Vanessa that he loves that she comes to him with these questions and he wants to know when she’s upset or pissed off at him (all while chuckling).  She’s not mad at you because you told her that her cooking was bad, she’s made because your a slut, Nick.    THEN, he has the audacity to tell her to be patient with Corrine.

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No. Words.

Chris Harrison has suddenly just showed up and I am super concerned what is happening…oh wait, this was technically a “cocktail hour” meaning it’s Rose Ceremony time. Hallelujah!

ROSE CEREMONY

It’s another early episode Rose Ceremony (stop it ABC, we are all committed, you don’t have to tease us back each week) and everyone is assuming that because they mentioned Corrine to Nick, the little lady will be going home to her nanny.  You know what they say about people who assume, ladies?

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Corrine is, not shockingly, napping again and Sarah (who?) and Taylor (Mental Health Specialist) decide they should go talk to her…wise.  While we know Taylor is just here for her thesis, what is Sarah’s problem?  Four weeks in and the desperation has sunk in and she knows she and Nick have nothing so she’ll settle for some camera time. They corner Corrine in her nap room and Sarah says “you need to do yourself a favor and you need to pull yourself together.”

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Corrine, being Corrine doesn’t give a shit about what they think and, once again, has a fascinating response to the haters.   She has come to an agreement with herself over the years and realized she is not “everyone’s cup of tea.”  I would have assumed Corrine didn’t tea, but maybe Raquel’s influence.

Now to the actual Rose Ceremony.  Chris Harrison asks Nick about Corrine, all while giggling.  All he see’s is dollar signs so, until she murders someone, she’s staying.  Brittany is acting like she will be sad if she doesn’t get a rose…don’t lie, boo.  We see you and your BF on insta, you are fine.  Jaimi straightened her hair, that’ll keep her around another week since Nick probably doesn’t recognize her.  And in the least shocking thing to happen in Bachelor history, Corrine get’s a rose.

Luckily, my dolphin will get to swim another day as well, but there was one casualty we must recognize this evening: Christen.  It seems like only a short time ago I wanted nothing to do with your poorly spelled name and birds nest hair.  I have now come to look forward to Chris Harrison waking you up and you arriving in the living room looking like a normal human being, showing as that, while real girls may not win the show, they do get on it.  And your lack of a poker face when hearing a new piece of gossip? Priceless.  Christen, you still spell your name wrong, but you are one of us.  I hope to see you in Paradise and see what the salt water does to that hair of yours.

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Christen walked out of the mansion with her head held high, and one pair of heels on her feet with another in her hands.

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Just when we think the Rose Ceremony is over, Corrine decides to hijack Nick’s speech and tell the women that they all are privileged to be here (not privileged enough to bring a nanny) and they should “take every day as…great”.  Corrine must be several glasses of pinot deep, that’s when gives her best speeches.  Also, I feel that we need to discuss equal rights here and note that, while the ladies hate when Corrine interrupts them, no one defended poor Nick.

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He’s used to it.

Chris Harrison is back for the second time today because he’s worried he won’t make his contracted number of appearances this season (because he no longer gives a shit), and lets the ladies know that they are going to Nick’s hometown. Isn’t it a bit early for this? Josephine is excited though and makes the observation that “he’s only keeping the girls around that he feels potential with”…and some fillers, Josie.  And some fillers.

Alexis’ airport ensemble…you are a goddess.

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The ladies arrive in Milwaukee or some small town nearby and they all fake excitement.  It looks a bit chilly there and I have to applaud the ladies acting skills on faking enthusiasm when really they just want the exotic locale they were promised.  We then go to a random coffee shop to visit (cant say meet, they’ve been on this show three times now) Nick’s parents and, I’m sorry, but is his mom trying to bring back the Kate Gosselin?

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I mean, am I right?

Nick’s parents have a few words of wisdom.  Find love, open yourself up, tomato, tomahto.  Nick’s mom worries that Nick has been single for so long that he just really doesn’t know what being with someone is…fair, Kate. That’s very fair.  Nick’s dad just says that “they never want to see him on this show again.”

I can assure you, none of us will allow that to happen.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE #1: No Such Thing As A Coincidence

The ladies are all walking towards a pond to meet…ducks! These girls have severe ADD, because while I am sure production had Nick coming around the corner to the ladies, these city girls all had a meltdown over the ducks.  Just shows how much they all like Nick…

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In one of Chris Harrison’s more sadistic moves, Nick asks Danielle L. to go on a one-on-one with him right in front of the other ladies.  They probably just went and fed the ducks.  Danielle L. and Nick leave and he proceeds to show her where he grew up.  First, he tells her of this one time where he had to jump into a river, a gestures to a creek.

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He then shows Danielle (I’m assuming I can drop the L for a little while) the library where he would make out with his girlfriends and they go make cookies with all the other contestants faces on them.  Talk about fun times.

While walking to the next part of this date from hell, Nick’s acting skills that he has been working on in LA come to the forefront.  He stops and stares into a coffee shop window where a girl with her head down. Down.  Like you cant see her face down.  But somehow, Nick announces that he knows her.  Danielle seems to just want to leave and then Nick says that he used to date her.  Her head is still down.  She finally get’s her cue I guess and looks up super surprised and Nick ushers her outside to chat and give Danielle advice after dating Nick for 4 TO 5 MONTHS.

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In the date that never ends, we then go to the only hotel in Milwaukee so the can have drinks and chat some more.  Obviously the Iron Horse (I think that’s the name) couldn’t afford to rent out one space to the love birds because there are people all over the place and the pianist playing in the background is taking this as their big break and playing super loud. Nothing important was said, nothing besides Nick asking what her biggest flaw was and her saying it’s her parents divorce.  I know on job interviews they say don’t use an actual flaw, but this answer really doesn’t work here.

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And then because he cant get enough of these two not having chemistry, we go to a theater where they dance in front of Nick’s entire hometown that he hasn’t seen in 15 years and a singer we don’t know. And finally it’s over.

GROUP DATE #1: What A Crock of Shit

When reading the date card, Danielle M. is about as interesting as my tax return.  What is it with the Danielle’s?  Either add a little pizzazz into this or hand it over to Alexis.

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After reading off the entire house, we come to see that ABC is adding in another one-on-one with Raven as opposed to two group dates. Tricky tricky.  The ladies get dressed and head to a farm, a date I actually think Raven would have liked, but they decided against the obvious which I can appreciate.  They obviously didn’t tell the women that they needed coats this season, they look miserable.  They’re so cold they are desperate enough to hold on to each other, even Corrine.

Speaking of Corrine, I’m not sure if I’m going to get all of her quotes in but I’m going to try.  When she first arrives at the spa, she tells us that she’d rather “be at a spa….with a nice taco…preferably chicken.”

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They walk into the barn to find that there are baby cows (calves for you city folk) and the ladies are obsessed.  Especially Taylor who runs right up. I’m assuming it’s because she’s closer in age to the calves than Nick, or cows have similar emotions to humans and therefore a could idea for her Doctorate. Corrine is back, and is none too pleased with the idea of chores.  “I don’t know how to do chores, let alone farm chores.

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“I wouldn’t even let Raquel do farm chores.  Raquel is better than farm chores…she works for me.”

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They then get to milk a cow and Nick approaches with a “hey there lady” and all I see is him walking up to girls in a bar with that stellar charm.  He doesn’t know how to milk the cow and then Jaimi decides to head right on up and is amazing at it.  Nick says “why am I not surprised”….not touching that one, but I am insulted on Jaimi’s behalf, ABC.

Nick is opening up though about his childhood, saying that “Being from Wisconsin, I’m more of a city boy…” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  Now, before you Wisconsinites get your panties in a bunch (Corrine one-liner) I am not trying to insult your state.  Because Wisconsin is not a city, it’s a state.  Milwaukee is a city and this would have made a lot more sense if he’d realized that before opening his mouth.  I’m sorry people of Wisconsin, this is nothing against you all, you should be very proud of yourselves and proud that you ran him out of the town city state.

Corrine lasts probably less than half the time of the other ladies shoveling shit.  That’s important, remember than.

It’s time for the evening part of the night and I assume that they all got to go home and shower.  But, let us not forget that Nick made out with Vanessa after she vomited, a little cow manure smell won’t bother him.  Kristina is the first to talk to Nick during the evening portion and I feel like we maybe see her once an episode, but I know she had some drama about her momma in the bio and she now seem ready to share.  Unfortunately, Nick shuts her down saying he’s excited to hear about her life, but probably not now when they don’t have a lot of time.  He then, in typical Nick mode, spends the rest of their time making out.

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I the other room, the ladies are talking about Corrine.  While nothing they are saying interests me, Corrine is full of hilarious thoughts. She first informs us “I’m smarter than I look” then proceeds to lift her boobs up and ask “does this not look like a mature person?”

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Then she let’s us know “I’m a good person, and I’m not just saying that.”

And finally she brings us another Corrinalogy that I know I won’t do justice.  She describes herself to be “like a corn husk, with many layers”. Cant be normal and call herself an onion.  She also has butter and lots of like pieces “the corn” of information.

Now in the moment that all of us have been waiting for and still is insanely predictable, the confrontation with Corrine.  Corrine walks into the room after listening to the girls talk about her and ask if anyone has a problem with her.  And who speaks up? Sarah.  Sarah, who has just now decided to make herself known, and not to Nick.  She has tried to help Corrine and even keeps waking her up from her naps.  This is when it all dawns on me, the reason these two don’t get along.  Sarah has, whether unknowingly or not, tried to assume the role of Raquel.  And while I appreciate Sarah trying to help a sister out and keep her awake, only Raquel wakes Corrine.

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Corrine doesn’t know why the nap thing is such a big deal and neither do I.  You ladies just wish you’d thought of napping during a Rose Ceremony first.  Corrine wants to know why Michael Jordan could take napes and Abe Lincoln could take naps, but these ladies hate when she does.  Is it bad that this is starting to make sense to me?

Kristina now feels like she should talk to Corrine because they are friends and also asks if she is ready for the hardships that come with an engagement. The way these girls talk, I for sure don’t think I’m ready. She brings up Corrine not shoveling the manure earlier that day (because cleaning up your spouses shit is key to a fake engagement), to which Corrine now says she  had a medical emergency that prevented her from continuing.

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And when the nap is brought up, once again, she now says that was a panic attack.

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Kristina is rewarded the rose on this date for not wasting Nick’s time with her life story and instead making out with him since he’s a horn dog.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE #2: He Was A Sk8r Boi

Raven is thrilled to be going on this one-on-one and could not imagine a better date because it’s his home town and it means so much to him.  We get it, you’re from a small town.  We walk to the soccer field where there are a bunch of 12-year-olds actually playing soccer.  I’m going to refer to Bella’s team as the Banasas because what they were called in my home town and they were as aggressive as these girls. Nick’s parents are at the game too and we get to see there awkward interactions.  Raven is trying to be charming, but this isn’t their first rodeo.

Nick is done hanging with his parents and takes his sister Bella and the Bananas to the roller rink.  Oh, and Raven.  And the someone kid who production convinced to let them put in one of the Chuck e Cheese games….not kidding.

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Let me just say that if you didn’t watch this episode, if you don’t watch this show, please find the clip of  Nick rollerblading. It. Is. Gold.  I don’t know where he has been practicing, but he was so ready to show off his sick moves on this date.

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At one point he had Raven skate through his legs and then pushed her down.   We replayed it our viewing party, I saw a shove.

We then go to some weird, floating museum, space ship looking thing and Raven and Nick get down to the important stuff.  We know that Raven’s bf cheated on her from a previous episode, but now we get the details.  It seems he was a doctor (hot) and he another nurse called her to say he was making out with some girl at the bar.  When she told her mom she said “my mom handed me the….Keys” and anyone who listened to her pause really thought she was going to say gun. So disappointing.

She drove to the boyfriends and unlocked the door.  Then,  when she couldn’t get the bedroom door open, she kicked it in like a “spider monkey”.  She’s not proud to admit it, but she does now know what the other woman’s va jay jay looks like. And she saw thrusting.  She then pulled him off the bed and started beating him in the head with a stiletto.

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I’m sorry, what? You broke into his home and physically assaulted him? I’m guessing Raven is related to the police chief in that small town because no way do you get away with that and no way to you get away with that and then tell it on national television.  I am super excited to see this guy once someones stalking on Instagram pays off.

Nick doesn’t know if he’s afraid or turned on…his words, not mine.

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Such. A. Horn. Dog.

Raven admits that it was super hard leaving…what, the scene of a crime? Oh, the boyfriend, even though he cheated.  Nick interrupts to say he totally understands, she was embarrassed and didn’t want people to think it was her fault.  Raven’s response “Yeah, that too.”

And we end the night with Nick deciding that he didn’t get to rollerblade enough today so production whips out two pairs so they can scare around this marble mausoleum. Totes safe.

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You knew I’d have to put that in somewhere.

COCKTAIL PARTY: I See A TO BE CONTINUED In Our Future

Screw you, ABC.  I just want to end on a Rose Ceremony once this season. Please.  You cant break with tradition.

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(That’s Fiddler on the Roof for those of you who aren’t cultured–google it, it works.)

There is a lot of drama about Danny L. stealing Nick first, but I have made this long enough so moving right along… We head inside the barn (I think they’re in a barn) to Josephine listening to Corrine bitch about Taylor. Bitch about Taylor and eat about 100 pigs in a blanket. No joke, she cannot stop eating, how could anyone hate Corrine?

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But Taylor does hate Corrine and after a lot of back and forth, they finally go outside to chat. Now, I am well aware the Corrine is insane and a spoiled brat, but let us not forget that Taylor is 23-years-0ld. I don’t care where she got her Masters and how smart she is, she is just as immature. At least Corrine is honest about it. Taylor literally just recites her text book and pretends to be smart.   Corrine does find a moment where she can insert that she works for a multi-million dollar company (unnecessary) and Taylor insults her emotional intelligence which Corrine’s mental intelligence cannot comprehend.

“Taylor is like the shit I scooped in my shovel, she’s rude fake and nasty.”

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ABC leaves us with a TO BE CONTINUED for the third time this season (they didn’t say it last week, but we know what that was) and right before I get angry, they give me the one thing I want, Alexis.  Alexis who reveals her two biggest fears are aliens….and Nicholas Cage, the actor.”

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Thank you, Alexis.  Thank you for being you.