Welcome Bachelor Nation and mom (who forgets to watch and just comes to correct my grammar),

It’s been a week since I posted this live and so far I’ve had no bad press! No good press either, no contact with the press at all really, but it’ll get there.  I refuse to live in a world where being realistic is encouraged, so I’m going to keep waiting for that unknown number to pop up and it be Chris Harrison.  Still Obama Care right now, but I’m going to keep answering just in case.

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But enough about my week and hopes and dreams and unrealistic expectations!  Let’s talk about the Bachelor and those delusional souls that are on it looking for love.  It’s really nice to see that there are still hopeless romantics in the world, emphasis on the word hopeless.

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Last week ABC decided to TO BE CONTINUED us and I can’t say I hated it.  It was slightly early for that nonsense, but they did leave me with Alexis Boobiversary so I forgave them.   What I cannot forgive is that we jumped back in and talked about Liz for 30 minutes.  And how could ABC not tell me that Christen got the rose after pretty much helping get Liz kicked off?  She is the queen of gossip with that maneuver, talk about the other girl and get rewarded for it?

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Cocktail Hour and Rose Ceremony #1: I Can’t Lizen to These Women Bitch Anymore

Finally, we get our second rose ceremony of the season.  Before, Nick explains to the women why he sent Liz home, even though it’s probably been several hours since the ladies on the date got back and woke everyone in the house to tell them.  He walks into the room with the worst tie ever (someone call wardrobe, they’ve gotten into the vino again) and the ladies all rise to greet him.  I think he may of even said “be seated” but I could just be making a bigger deal out of them standing for him.

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Nick is trying to act like the bigger person by “being honest” with the women, but bitch got caught and is now trying to backtrack and maybe smiling too much as he tells them what happened.  Less is more here, buddy.

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Nick invites the women to talk to him about their feelings regarding Liz during their one-on-one time before the rose ceremony and these idiots take that and run with it.  Did they think he was a virgin?  I doubt it considering all of them love to throw it in is his face that they watched Andi and Kaitlin’s seasons.  Question, for anyone playing Bach Fantasy League, does Liz get points for not being there anymore but taking up all of these women’s one-on-one time?

Everyone decides to discuss Liz and I just cannot imagine a better way to waste the two minutes a week that they get with Nick.  Josephine says the whole thing just makes her sad.  I’ve never been prone to physical violence, but I have never felt more of an urge to hit someone, even though I know she would hit back.  HE SENT LIZ HOME, OBVIOUSLY HE WASN’T INTO HER.

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I can’t remember who and I don’t have the energy or the emotional strength to relive that cocktail party, but one of these asshats did say “when I heard the news” in regards to Nick and Liz….like it was on the 10 o’clock news.  I mean, I don’t live in LA, but I don’t think every news organization there is operating like TMZ and only opens the show with breaking news stories on Hollywood drama.

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Love you TMZ, you’re the only news I need.

Danielle L. is the only one to use her time semi wisely and not focus on Liz (I’m not typing her name anymore, I’m changing it to Gone Girl due to her crazy eyes AND THE FACT THAT SHE’S GONE).  While Danielle L. finds Gone Girls story odd, she uses the time to play with Nick’s hands in a super strange way that bothers me.  Is this a thing that people do?

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Gone Girl is at home watching mumbling to herself “Jade and Tanner, wedding, texting bad, happy 10 month anniversary”.

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Now we have Corrine and it’s safe to say I didn’t miss her at all.  I feel guilty watching this show sometimes, but none more so when I have to admit that, because of that millennial, I understand everyone’s hatred of our species.  You make me sick, Corrine.  Sick and also highly entertained…damn you ABC.

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I should note that we had to start our viewing party 20 minutes behind schedule as we assemble our charcuterie setup #adulting. There is nothing more exciting and nerve wracking than not looking at my phone and seeing thirty texts come in, knowing that something is happening on the bachelor and you are not a part of it.  How people watch the day after is beyond me.

For this next scene, I will attempt to type out my thoughts as they happened and as they read in my notes (yes, I take notes, I’m not as big of a genius as you think I am).  I know I will never do this moment justice.

Corrine is upstairs? Wait, wasn’t she wearing something else?  Where is her…..wait what is happening? No. Are they doing a black out box on her boobs?  It’s a trench coat, no, no, Corrine.  This is a joke? Is this a joke? WHY DOES SHE HAVE WHIP CREAM?!?!? IS THIS REAL LIFE?

Those are my notes verbatim.  I could go on and on about this scene so I will.  For those who didn’t watch but for some reason just want to read my recap, Corrine wore a flasher’s coat and took Nick outside on a giant pillow and put whip cream on her boobs for him to lick off.  Not joking.

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Nick proceeded to tell us that he likes how confident Corrine is with her sexuality.  Not trying to slut shame here, but I wouldn’t use the word “confident” to describe Corrine’s actions.

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When we see Jasmine lurking in the bushes, Nick decides that he doesn’t want to get into a situation and upset the other women, especially after all of the Gone Girl drama….you licked her boobs, you are in a situation, sir.

Corrine decides that this is failure on her part and goes on to cry to her little minion Lacey.  I am praying she pulls it together and wears the trench coat to the Rose Ceremony which is about to begin, but am thrilled to learn that she must have been drunk during her whip cream drama because she has passed out and is missing the ceremony. Nick is upset and says that “last time he checked, you still had to come to the Rose Ceremony” even if you already got the group date rose….which Nick would know after being in close 50 Rose Ceremonies.

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Lacey goes home so I’m not sure what Corrine is going to do.  In other news, Sharknado aka Alexis lives on.

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Jasmine also gets a rose and proceeds to do the sign of the cross I’m pretty sure.  Not sure God watches the Bachelor, Chris Harrison would have used that for marketing purposes if he did.

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Group Date #1: I Don’t Care Who You Are, Where You’re From, What You Did

For those living under a rock, it has been all over the Internet for the past few months that one of the group dates involved the Backstreet Boys.  Before we get into the date. I need everyone to think of the lyrics to As Long As You Love Me.  If you don’t know the lyrics, then just leave now.  I have been listening to it for inspo, and I think it was made to describe the Bachelor, more specifically Nick.

Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I’m leaving my life in your hands
People say I’m crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind is still a mystery
I can’t get you out of my head
Don’t care what is written in your history
As long as you’re here with me

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I MEAN COME ON. Loneliness?  Leaving it all in your hands, the your being Mr. Harrison?  Risking it all in a glance?? Doesn’t care about your history considering he will never have the time to find it out before proposing?  I’d like to note that the time is 10:23 central time and even if I posted this later tomorrow morning, I made this connection first.

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Okay back to the show.  Chris comes in to toot his own horn about how awesome this week’s dates are and then gives the date card to the women.  I can tell you right now Christen is on this date because her hair is already brushed.  You cant fool me, ABC.

Someone in the group guesses Backstreet Boys based on the card just saying “Everybody” and it not even being read with the correct inflections.  Since it isn’t Rachel who guessed it, I’m going to assume production tipped them off because no way would they guess that.  Then, a sound system that we didn’t know existed comes on playing Backstreet Boys and a seizure takes over Christen.  I am excited too, but this girl cant keep her shit together as Nick Carter and the other members of the band enter the room.

The date is the girls performing for a 500 person audience in LA as backup dancers.  We know from stalking Instagram that half the audience is former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, but we never get to seem them judging the girls.  I’d say that’s a missed opportunity ABC, but I’m not the boss (yet).  The ladies finish getting ready and then rush to a warehouse to learn the routine.  Gotta give a shout out to Whitney (I think) whose morning routine consisted of putting baby powder in her hair.  While it seemed an aggressive amount for a brunette, I’m glad someone is setting realistic beauty standards for the youth out there.

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It’s obvious that Jasmine is going to kill this after being a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader and she even helps the other women learn the moves.  It’s also obvious that they are all fame whores because once they put someone more famous than the Bachelor in the room and they all scurry. Corrine is a self proclaimed terrible dancer and I think her admitting and actual flaw is progress.

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Then she proceeds to cry in the bathroom. She says her “confidence is rubbing off on the other women” and now she’s falling to the back.

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In another genius styling move this episode, the Backstreet Boys are not only bring Backstreet back, but also making sure the 90s staple of the choker makes the cut as well.  I hope they know when they are out on the backstreets of Vegas this week that chokers were already coming back into style and don’t think they are the reason.  I don’t have the heart to tell them.

Danielle L. wins the dancing portion over the actually dancer, most likely because girl has got a booty.  She and Nick then get serenaded on stage by the Boys in front of the 500 person audience and the other women.  I’d be thrilled to not win this one. ABC, you have a weird thing for trying to make sweet private moments public spectacles.  You shouldn’t be shocked your success rate is so low.

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Now it’s on to the evening portion of the group date and once again CHRISTEN WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH THAT HAIR.  Literally, I think she owns a bump it.  It is clear now why your hair is a shit show in the mornings, someone needs to take that teasing comb away from her.

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The evening portion consists of nothing exciting except that Corrine takes another nap and lets it be known that she has a nanny.  She casually hints that she is thankful for Raquel and Jasmine get’s a panicked look in her eyes like they are bringing in another women.

We get a little more insight into Corrine and her nanny’s life at home.  She wakes her up, makes her breakfast, makes her cucumbers and vegetables (which seems to be a big part of Raquel’s skill set) and she also makes her bed and does her laundry.  I think we have a case of Peter Pan here.  I’m guess that this woman was he nanny when she was little and totally regrets enabling her now.

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Danielle L. get’s the group date rose because, according to Corrine, Nick didn’t want to put a target on Corrine’s back by giving it to her again.

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One-on-One: Space Jam

Vanessa is chosen for the one-on-one and I’m a fan.  She’s pretty, smart and Nick’s ticket to Canada when he find out Trump won the elections.

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Their date consists of Nick trying to look like Tom Cruise from Top Gun and failing miserably and he and Vanessa going on a plane that makes them feel like they are in space.  I’d put $20 on the fact that production encouraged Vanessa to have a big breakfast today in hopes that she would vomit. These two are having the best time and Nick actually is kind of funny when he doesn’t speak and dances around like a fool.

All this dancing and kissing while upside down makes Vanessa nauseous, shocker.  The obvious solution would be for the plane to turn on the gravity which I assume they can do since sometimes they are sitting on the ground, but instead they flip the switch 20 times to make sure Vanessa throws up.  Which she does. A lot apparently because there is a woman secretly cleaning the ground behind Nick and Vanessa.

Nick is super sweet and attentive and I am starting to realize he’s not so strange….until he decides to go in for the kiss right after she vomits. I would think the stewardess running this plane carries tooth brushes for these types of situations, but I wish I had seen her brush her teeth so I could sleep better tonight. Snaps for Vanessa though who still looks super pretty after vomiting, lucky bitch.

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Dinner consists of kisses (she has to have brushed by now) and light conversation.  I’m actually not really listening since the convo seems so boring until I realize that Nick is crying.  What the hell happened?  Come to find out he just likes her that much.  America, meet your front runner, Vomiting Vanessa.

Vanessa also tells a sad story about her grandpa’s funeral and how they all got a single red rose at the end.  This is the same girl who said night one she didn’t like flowers and I made fun of her, sorry Nessy.  But I hope Nick chooses her in the end, she’s got enough shit when it comes to roses, either let her go now or go call Neil when you get home.

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She get’s a rose.

Group Date #2: Getting Cut From the Team

The final date of the week is the girls doing something athletic…aka the reject date.  No one would be happy not getting to hang with the Backstreet Boys and instead having to compete in an athletic date.  Except Brittany who must be an Olympian with the way she is acting.  Sporty Spice over here.

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Speaking of Olympians, three show up to judge the events.  Three people whose names I don’t know and don’t remember, but Rachel does because even after going to law school, she’s still got room for random facts in her head.

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The sports are super corny and Nick really only pays attention to Astrid’s boobs bouncing.  She said if she’d know it would be so active she would have put on more supportive bra…girl, that bra looks like it wouldn’t support you if you walked down the street.  And based on Brittany’s reaction, you knew it’d be sporty.  Take care of your girls, Astrid.

 Rachel is one of the three finalist because we haven’t already determined she’s perfect and Astrid and her mistreated boobs also are in the finals.  The dark horse of the events is none other than my spirit animal, Alexis.  The final competition is a sprint to Nick in a jacuzzi and you can tell Alexis is super excited to return to something similar to her natural habitat.

The winner is Rachel who gets to the end first and grabs the diamond ring, but then drops it.  About two minutes behind her is Astrid who catches the ring and wins by default.  Production couldn’t even plan this shit.  None of us should be as surprised as we were by the replay, I think we all heard the story of the Tortoise and the Hare a time of two.raw-2.gif

The evening portion of the night was at an antique store where staging set up little vignettes across the warehouse.  I feel bad for doubting Chris before, this is my kind of date right here, I would just shop the entire time.  Hopefully they did move all the more expensive, breakable items away, this ladies like to get a bit tipsy.  The big issue of the night revolved around a woman named Domonique who I haven’t seen all season work herself into a tizzy because Nick isn’t giving their connection a chance. I’d suggested not talking to the camera man about Nick all night, but that’s just me.

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Astrid makes the mistake of wearing a horizontal stripes that do nothing for anyone, especially someone who let their boobs sag all day.  Jaimi want’s to make sure Nick doesn’t think of her as “that crazy lesbian”.  And Alexis wins again by having production make a large poster of Nick that they proceed to lay on and make out.

Dom finally get’s time alone with Nick and proceeds to tell him that he hasn’t given her a fair shot.  That she has been trying to hung him and make that connection but he isn’t letting her.  Not shocking when Nick says to Dom “knowing what you need…” he is leading up to sending her home.  Or back to the insane asylum she came out of, poor girl has talked to him for ten minutes and thinks she is still in this race.

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Rachel get’s the date rose because, duh.

Cocktail Party #1: There Will Be No Cocktail Party

Since the Bachelors and Bachelorettes lived in the house on their seasons, they have become very familiar with the pool in the backyard.  So it should come as no surprise that when Chris shows up the day of the Cocktail Party he tells the ladies they are having a pool party instead.  Still with cocktails I’d guess.  He tells them Nick will be there in one hour and I am yelling RUN CHRISTEN RUN.  I know that hair takes more than an hour to detangle.

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Nick shows up and someone stupid yells “it’s a pool party, why aren’t you naked?”  Because it’s a pool party, not a nudist colony.  I’m guessing it’s Corrine, but I can’t lay all the slut shaming at her door today, these girls are all acting like a bunch of horndogs with Nick and his now removed shirt. And also, where is Corrine?

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No, surprisingly not napping.  She’s upstairs, still perfecting her makeup that will soon melt off, and making her plan of attack.  As the previews have already shown 100 times, Corrine has commandeered a princess bounce house….I’m sure all by herself, with no help from production at all.

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Once again, the depth of their conversation amazes me.  Not.  I bet Nick and Dom spoke more to each other than these two who proceed to jump each other and make out while the ladies watch from the rooftop above.

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Also, do we not think that’s a safety hazard? Giving these women access unlimited booze and to the roof?

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Now it’s time for all the women to pull Nick aside for the first session of “she’s not like the rest of us” convos.  It still amazes me that these women haven’t learned from previous seasons that your precious one-on-one time should be spent talking about yourselves rather than someone else.  But everyone decides they must talk about Corrine and Raven even makes sure to let Nick know about the other woman, Raquel.  Like the rest of us, he is very confused by the use of the word nanny, trying to picture the heroic woman Corrine left behind in Miami.

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Everyone’s got something to say, but Vomiting Vanessa takes the crown here.  Being to kind soul she is, she says she is not judging Corrine,  she is judging Nick.  For having to reputation he had on past seasons, she wonders why he is pursuing Corrine and suggests that he shouldn’t even give Vomnessa a rose if that’s what he wants.

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And scene.  Seriously, is this the new format ABC? Rose Ceremonies at the beginning of the episode?  They didn’t even give me a TO BE CONTINUED this time to let me know that we would hear or see more of the pool party.

What they did give me was a cut off ending because I was on the tapped version and I have no idea what the blooper was of Josephine singing to some birds and squirrels.  I’m guessing there was a Disney princess reference, but I can only speculate.

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Fingers crossed that production is encouraging her to break out into song and dance at the next date, I would suggest “I Can Hear the Bells” from Hairspray because I think she really is hearing things in her head or “Popular” from Wicked.  That has to be sung directly to Nick, even though he will never be popular.