Four score and seven days ago, we left Nick after his first rose ceremony and, dare I say, I missed him?  Maybe not him specifically but it’s been hard.  I don’t know when I’ve been more obsessed with a season…probably last season, but they all end on such a low that I forget just how genius and trashy this show is.

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It’s the first group date of the season and the ladies are waiting in the living room that has not been updated in 21 seasons.  The ladies are having mimosas while Corrine has given herself a heavy pour of white wine. Class.

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It’s super obvious that while the ladies pretend to not know who is on this date card, that cannot be the case. Half of them are dressed and ready to go while the others look like they roll out of bed just to pretend to care for five minutes and then go back to nursing their hangovers again.  Christen, I’m looking at you girl.  I know I have no room to talk with the rats nest I am rocking at all times, but you are on tv sweetheart and you literally look like you just dipped your hair in crisco and deep fried it.

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Chris Harrison arrives to deliver the date card, but he wants to get to know the girls a little more.  I think it’s partially because he’s gearing up to have his own season of The Bachelor now that he’s single, but he asks the ladies what they liked about Nick that first night.  Because we are in a house full of drunk women everyone starts talking at once and Chris either was scared or really just didn’t care about what they had to say because he cuts them off and throws the date card down and peaces out.

Side Note: Alexis is not in a dolphin costume and I am devastated. She also isn’t in a shark costume claiming to be a dolphin and that is just as heart breaking. #sharknado

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GROUP DATE #1 : Always a Bridesmaid…

For the group date the women awkwardly jump in a bunch of convertibles and drive to a separate mansion to take wedding photos with Nick.  Some ladies are brides, some are bridesmaids and I don’t know why, but some of these women truly seem to think that they are about to marry Nick here, they are so nervous about how serious a first date this is.  The ones who are bridesmaids are devastated and think this means Nick doesn’t see potential with them. They seem to think these would be the pictures they’d actually use.  Earth to dipshits, have you seen this show? ABC plans your wedding, not you.

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The gowns are distributed by the photographer Franco who is just an fake Italian version of Franc from Father of the Bride combined with Zoolander.  He is wearing a rainbow print shorts and top.  And when I say shorts I mean hella shorts.  I truly believe Franco did not get enough face time at the shoot.  This man needs his own show.

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There are some key things to take away right off the bat for this date. First, Danielle L. Danielle L. has never been a bride “but Nick has never been a groom so maybe we could be each others firsts!”  Wow, Danielle.  Everyone knows this show is a joke, but for you to let us know up front this won’t be your only marriage, that makes me think you aren’t here for the right reasons. But I would love to see a spin off featuring the First Wives of the Bachelor Club. Call me, ABC.

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Taylor is a bride and is the Princess bride.  She is too young for him and too pretty, but she seems to be completely obsessed as well as delusional.  She is bothered by Corrine because Corrine knows Taylor and Nick had the best connection and wants to rub it in her face that they kissed.  Taylor, who ever said you all connected?  I did not see it.  But apparently Franco did because he was loving this little princess and she and Nick’s smooches.

Brittany (who I have since discovered is a Jayhawk, Rock Chalk, but you won’t make it much further) is also picked to be a bride, the Adam and Eve bride.  I’m not sure if I should take this as a good omen or a bad one, but Eve’s Brittany’s body is banging. She only gets a bikini bottom made of leaves but she does get extensions so she can go topless, so thanks ABC.

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Alexis, still shark costume nowhere in sight, was the shotgun bride.  While she will always be my dolphin-shark, seeing her walk around with a mimosa, shotgun and baby bump was a close close second.  She pretended to give labor throughout her shot and was drunk the entire time.  I’m happy to say that it wasn’t just the shark that was my spirit animal, but Alexis herself.  I don’t even care that she’s from New Jersey and occasionally slips into a southern accent, she is everything.

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And now…Corrine. Oh god, Corrine. Let me preface by saying that I get super uncomfortable during uncomfortable things and cover my eyes and plug my ears, but I fought those urges for you, so you are welcome.

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Corrine is the swimsuit bride, whatever that is.  She takes it to mean that she just has the best body and everyone wants to see it.  She is still guzzling her white wine and announcing that she cant wait to kiss Nick again. Yeah, we heard you, you kissed him night one.  She is none too pleased that Brittany was chosen to be the topless bride and thinks her sexiness could have done a better job.  But Corrine will not be upstaged. While in the pool, she removes her top and places Nick’s hands on her boobs.  Oh, did I mention that all the women sit outside and watch these shoots go down?

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Corrine is super proud of herself and says “she didn’t go on this date without clothes, she was bold enough to take them off”.

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She also says that she’d rather be number one than number two or go number two.

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Side Note:  While it used to be a big deal to kiss the Bachelor, that’s not the case anymore.  Everyone women, brides and bridesmaids alike, kissed Nick during their photo shoots today.

Franco picks a winner for this portion of the date and, shocker, Corrine wins!

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It’s time for the evening portion of the date and I cant wait for this to be over.  There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching these women chase after one man and then discuss how it’s so hard to find time to talk when 10 other girls want to talk as well. HAVE NONE OF YOU WATCHED THIS SHOW?

Corrine steals Nick away first to “talk” and immediately starts making out with him.  Thank god though because her voice is like totally like nails on a like chalkboard. I do not care how drunk she is (and girlfriend is drunk, she’s been chugging Pino since 11am) she is so obnoxious.  But I also recognize good TV when I see it.  The other women are totally shocked that she steals Nick away first and, while I’m not an aggressive person, I do know that sitting there braiding each others hair is not going to get you a rose.

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Jasmine steals Nick away and we get a clip of her asking for a kiss. Awkward.  Brittany talks to Nick and just wants to know whose boobs are better, her’s or Corrine’s? Fair. Alexis barely gets a sentence out before she gets interrupted by, guess who? Corrine.  Corrine, do not mess with Alexis.  Nick totally allows her to interrupt a)because he probably just wants to make out again and b) she brought shots. The server in me wants to say they are lemon drops….the drinker in me just hopes it’s strong.

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Then Taylor finally talks to Nick and he seems really interested to hear about her psychology degree.  She is 23-years-old and just received her MASTERS from John Hopkins.

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While Taylor seems very smart, she’s not smart enough to realize that she doesn’t have time to dilly dally becauseeeeeee Corrine is back again! No joke, she just comes back to makeout and Nick lets her every time. Taylor decides though to finally stand up for herself and marches right back after a few minutes and asks now if she can interrupt.

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Corrine’s face is priceless. She storms off to let the other women know how upset she is and how she interrupted Taylor nicely, but Taylor reinterpreted her rudely.  Corrine is mad. Corrine will not be taken down. Take shots at Corrine and you will regret it.  (For those who didn’t watch, that was not a dramatic rendering, Corrine really did refer to herself in third person for quite a while.)

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Taylor finishes psycho analyzing Nick and returns to the women and her new nemesis Corrine.  You would think that the psychology major would have a hold on this conversation, but, as we all probably know too well, no one can rationalize with a drunk woman.  Corrine wants to makes sure “there is no situation over the situation” and that Taylor is okay.  While Taylor stays poised and calm and tries not to laugh, she has to be super confused with what is happening.  That or she is writing the thesis for her doctorate in her head.

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Nick returns and tells the ladies what a great time he had tonight.  While he used to hate group dates, he’s come to appreciate them now.  NO. SHIT. SHERLOCK. You are finally the only guy and you get to second base on date one and made out the entire time.

Nick rewards the rose to none other than Corrine and, no shock here, the women are shocked. Were they aggressive enough? Where they sexy enough? Did they need to take their tops off?

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Raven almost wins the best quote award of the night with “if Nick’s just basing this off sexuality, no wonder this is his fourth time”.

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But all of the women are kind of worrying why Nick would like Corrine….is Nick even here for the right reasons?!!?

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Change that she to a he and it works…

But the crown and the rose goes to Corrine, stating that “dad would be proud, even though I was naked. Yeah, dad would be proud.”

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ONE-ON-ONE DATE: Something to do with flying

While the other ladies were on the group date, another date card arrived for the one-on-one for…..Danielle M.  The card said something to the effect of flying off and landing and Christen’s face looks like she knows something we don’t.  Danielle isn’t going to the guillotine, Christen. Now go worry about your hair.

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Danielle and Nick go on a helicopter ride and if you thought trying to understand Nick was hard before, listening to him mumble in a helicopter is like trying to understand latin, when you never learned latin, underwater. ABC provided us with captioning, but since Nick has nothing interesting to say I didn’t bother exerting myself.  Let me know if I missed anything good please.

The lovebirds land on a yacht (no joke took me ten minutes to figure out how to spell that, that’s how often I’m on them) and we immediately flash back to the drama at the house…which I will get to in five seconds since this date is a dud, but a very sweet dud.  Nothing more happens on the yacht thank god since I’m still struggling to spell it.

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They go to dinner and Danielle pretends to know nothing about Nick besides Bachelor in Paradise…I call BS, sweetheart, but we are going to let it slide so we can get on to the drama at the house.  After telling his sorry love tale for the umpteenth time this season (we are only two episodes in remember) Danielle shares her heartbreak.  She lost her fiancé to addiction and it really is a sad story.  Nick handles it semi well, encouraging her to open up and then tells her it’s nothing to be embarrassed about…ya, she never said she was embarrassed, Nicholas.

Danielle M. gets the rose, duh. Then they go on a Ferris wheel ride from hell. No joke, that thing is going 40 miles an hour which I feel is fairly fast for a carnival ride with loose safety regulations.

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DRAMA AT THE HOUSE: LIZGATE

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We have been seeing previews for this all week, but I am thrilled that we are finally going to see Liz spill her dirty little secret to someone besides the camera man.  You have to assume they can’t use all of the footage from the ladies, imagine how many more times she mentioned in her confessionals that they slept together at Jade and Tanner’s wedding? Someday I will go back and count, but today is not that day.

Liz decides that she has to tell someone her secret, but who to trust?  The only person she thinks is capable of keeping a secret is Christen (yes, ratchet haired Christen) and she approaches her poolside to start spilling her guts.  She first tells Christen while laying in the sun that she has secrets, secrets that will come out.  Before looking bored, Christen is now intrigued.

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Liz then asks if she has ever watched the show. Yes, duh she has, move on. Does she know Jade and Tanner? Yes, duh, where is this going? Maid of no honor is mentioned, she met Nick at the wedding, yes we hooked up.  Christen is living for this shit.

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Direct Quote: Playa say what???

Three outfit changes later by Christen and a few new up-dos (she has finally brushed her hair today), Liz is still giving her the low down.  I think she wants to escape now, but when she hears she is the only one with this information, she gets a second wind.  She has now realized that she was not put in this house to find love, she was put in this house to find the gossip and she has succeeded in her mission without even knowing it.  To my shock (and horror) she keeps her word and does not tell anyone else.  I’m sorry, but there are somethings that you must share, Christen.

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GROUP DATE #2 : BREAKUP SCHOOL DROP OUT

ABC has discovered another thing in Hollywood that no one needed nor wanted to know existed.  The Museum of Broken Relationships.

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Yep, real place I guess. It’s filled with letters and breast implants and other donations that pay tribute to passed breakups.  Nick has made a donation as well and it’s the engagement ring he gave to Kaitlin along with a dead rose.  Tales as old as time over here, Nick once again decides to tell us what went wrong and how he’s grown and the women look like they are going to break in the case to get the ring and the rose, which has proven to never end well.

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The ladies wander the museum and Liz keeps hoping to get some one-on-one time to talk to Nick.  All she has wanted these past nine months are answers and a conversation…THEN WHY DID YOU NEVER ASK JADE FOR HIS NUMBER? I swear, this woman will never be able to convince me that she is here for the right reasons.

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The group hears screaming in the museum and rush over to see two thespians acting out a break up in the museum.  Luckily for these “actors”, their audience is a bunch of morons who really think there is a breakup happening at the breakup museum.

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Then we come to find out that the ladies will have to break up with Nick.  It actually is not as bad as I thought it would be and the ladies even make me laugh.  Kristina would break up with Nick over dental hygiene issues.  Jaimi is upset that he cant do dishes. And Josephine blames his alcoholism.

Liz decides that her monologue will be more heartfelt. She goes last so after seeing all the girls go and even audience members, she could have realized it was supposed to be a joke, but instead decided to recount how they met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and how hurt she was….I cant say I listened to too much more than that.  This is the moment where I failed you all and buried my head in the sofa cushions next to my roommate’s because we couldn’t stand to watch.  I cant even ask her what happened, but suffice to say it was painful.

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And as if we didn’t need any more proof, these dumbasses all looked at each other and said Liz went the more detailed route.  SHE JUST TOLD YOU SHE HAS MET HIM BEFORE. How could you all possibly miss that?  I know I missed a lot, but Nick is scrambling now thinking the whole house knows.  Luckily this is the dumber half of the house and cant pick up on obvious queues  and Christen is the only one who knows. If nothing else, someone should have picked up on her facial expressions.

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It’s the evening portion of the date now and Nick is ready to do damage control…but comes to find out what we already know, these idiots didn’t figure it out. He then pretends to have deep conversation, all the while wondering if the next girl knows and how to deal with Liz.  When he gets to Jaimi, she also didn’t pick up on the story, but keeps Nick interested by telling him that she’s dated women before.  Nick handles it fairly well, and Jaimi assures him she won’t go after the same women he likes.

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Then Christen comes in the room.  Before we get to what she knows, can I just remark on her hairstyle.  I will hopefully find a picture at some point, but just know that if you didn’t notice or didn’t watch, it was complete nonsense.  She had some side half pony thing happening, god she kills me. But I love her, I really do.  She lets Nick know that Liz has let the secret out to her and he proceeds to press her for details and then tell her his feelings on the subject.

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Christen. Is. Dying.  She now is holding information on both sides, collecting gossip left and right.  I will find her and murder her if I come to find out she bragged to no one about her gossip.

Nick then goes and finds Liz, needing to have a talk. Yeah, I’d say.  Liz, of course, acts like this is a first date and is giddy and excited.  When Nick lets her explain herself after saying he still is confused on why she never called before this if she wanted to get to know him, she says she, and I quote, “doesn’t like to talk on the phone”.

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Back with the ladies, everyone is noting that Liz and Nick have been gone quite a long time. Luckily, Christen is there to diffuse their concerns and says “they are clearing some things up really quick”. So subtle, Christen.  She is ready to burst she wants to tell these girls so badly.  When pressed, she says it’s not her story to tell….but you can insinuate that there is a story, Christen? I think I found my new spirit animal.

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Nick thanks Liz for pretty much being an idiot and not making a game plan for approaching this and says he sees everything much more clearly now after their convo….and sends her packing. Thank you sweet baby Jesus. This girl though she had this in the bag.  Nine months to think of a good excuse for not calling and all she could think of was she doesn’t like to talk on the phone.

 

Nick heads back to the ladies to break the news, Liz has been sent home. The ladies are stunned but none more so than Christen somehow.  She literally screams “OH MY GOD” and I am so confused how she is so shocked when no one else even knows they knew each other, you should be the least shocked!

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But others will soon be shocked, because Nick has decided he needs to tell the rest of the women about he and Liz’s history.  And with that The Bachelor franchise does what it does best and ruins all of our fun with a TO BE CONTINUED.

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So upsetting.

But somehow, they must know we’d be angry, because they left us with the greatest gift of all, an out take of Alexis.  During Alexis’ one-on-one time, it seems that she wanted to celebrate a special day with Nick, complete with cupcakes and singing. Yes, that day marked the one year anniversary of Alexis’ boob job.  Nick seemed all too happy to celebrate as they snacked on cupcakes with nipples on them and sang “happy boob day”.

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Thank you, ABC. You are forgiven.