It’s finally here.

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It’s hard, isn’t it?  More than three days off in a row and I feel like I’m back in college or one of those ladies who lunch and you wonder how they fill their days and pretend that you pity them for not having more in their life, but you are also jealous….or is that just me?

But this email isn’t about me. I mean, it kind of is since I love this show and I’m passing this off as informative for you all, but we know it’s partially for my own entertainment.  It’s about a bunch of 20-somethings and a few 30-somethings looking for love in all the wrong places.  Damn millennials, haven’t they heard of Tinder?

Yes, the Bachelor is back which will help us all feel better about the return to reality by showing us what real love looks like. Or what really desperate looks like.

I have said it once and I’ll say it again, I cant stand Nick so this should be really biased.  Luckily, Chris Harrison assures us that this will be the “most dramatic season yet”.  I feel like we need to discuss with Chris the old story of the boy who cried wolf.

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Nick does the typical Bachelor opening scene of taking his shirt off, working out and showering, but I am definitely not feeling it.  Maybe it’s because his lisp prevents him from saying the word “bachelor” and ABC decides to show every cut of him trying to say it to remind us that we are choosing to watch this garbage.  Thanks, ABC.

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Nick is determined to find love this time though.  Fourth times a charm and Nick is tired of letting America down.  I think that’s sweet he thinks that all of America watches this and he’s concerned until he says “I’m going to give America a happy ending.”  2016 was already a mess, Nick, don’t ruin 2017 for me right out the gate.

We have the usual gathering of former bachelors and I am curious why Chris Souls is here. He’s not dating anyone, he failed.  Ben, as pathetic as he is I get and the other guy (Sean?) at least married his lady and had a baby.  Chris, you shouldn’t be here.

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Ben, who proved that no matter how good looking you are you can still be a waste of space, tells us that the first night is a humbling experience for the Bachelor.  These women leave their families and homes and “give up their lives” to be here to date you.  Slow your role you egomaniac, this is The Bachelor, not the 76th annual Hunger Games.

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Now we get to meet the ladies…women…contestants. Right off the bat I have a few first impressions that I’m sure ABC and production are hoping come across.  Rachel is a lawyer who, after a hard day work, likes to dance around the apartment vacuuming.  I didn’t look at her bio again, but I’d put money on the fact that this girl is one of the ladies who idolizes Olivia Pope.

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We met Danielle L. (try not to confuse her with Danielle M.) whose bio said “small business owner”.  Thank god production made her specify what her small business was or I would have had to play detective. Which we all know I hate.  Anywho, Danielle L. owns three nail salons and is now looking for love.  I just hope she takes advantage of this situation and builds her business while in the house by doing the ladies nails.

Now for Corinne.  I honestly don’t know how I made it through Corinne’s intro without throwing something at my tv.  I believe a lot of us have Corinne on our teams because she was one of the cuter blondes, but we have met this seasons villain. She is 24-years-old, lives with her parents in Miami and works for their multi million dollar company.  I think we should start a tally of how many times she mentions this multi-million dollar company this season.  Oh, and has a nanny….no, I’m serious.  She said “I have a nanny”.

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At first I found myself slightly jealous.  But then I moved past jealousy to realize that she is a 24-year-old woman with a nanny and therefore I despise her.  She is the reason why people walk around all here saying “we should make a website to teach millennials how to be adults!”  You make me sick, Corinne.  The only redeeming thing is I picked her to be on my fantasy team so I definitely will be scoring big points.

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Alexis.  What to say about Alexis, the aspiring dolphin trainer.  I will say that I walked into this episode hating Alexis because I stalked her on social media and no where does it mention this dolphin affinity.  I have a deep love of cheese and all things food and if you look at my Instagram there is a lot of it, so expect the same commitment.

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I will say I was pleasantly surprised with Alexis who, at first looked to have dressed as a dolphin, but really came in a shark costume and spent the entire night trying to convince people she was a dolphin.  She failed at that, but these women probably had the most thought provoking moment of this entire series as the debated what was sea creature she truly was, so that’s a win in my book.  One lady went as far as to call Alexis her “spirit animal” and I think that shows a lot since we never knew what animal she really was.  I think it’s safe to say that, while Alexis may not be an aspiring dolphin trainer, we now know who Left Shark was was at Super Bowl XLIX.

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Then there was Liz.  I don’t want to even acknowledge Liz, but I guess it’s my job.  Liz is a doula which isn’t even her story line–a wasted opportunity I think.  But the real story is Liz and Nick met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.  (Those who don’t know Jade and Tanner, they are a Bachelor in Paradise couple so they have they have terrible odds of making it more than a year.) Liz was the MOH and in true fashion, probably embarrassed herself by getting really sloppy and going to her hotel room with Nick.  The next morning when Nick asked for her number and she said no.

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So, after not talking for nine months, Liz hears he made it on the show, and after watching his season of Bachelor in Paradise decided he deserved a second chance.  She didn’t tell him who she was to try and make him look stupid and succeeded in only looking dumb herself.  My question is why are we so specific with the “nine months”?  I swear, if Chris Harrison whips out a love child I will lose it.

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Now it’s the limo exits–I told you this would be a long one.  This is the highlight/most painful part of this show.  Somewhere, once upon a time, someone told these women that the only way to make their first impressions is to be insanely awkward. Christen (interesting spelling aside) decided to samba her way in.  Many women spoke in a different language and told Nick to come find them for the translation, how predictable. There was a beard massage, some had a hot dog in a book and said “you are a wiener to me”. Raven “called the hogs” which if that didn’t scream Arkansas, I don’t know what does. And then Haley.  Haley ask Nick if a he knew “what a girl wearing underwear says?” Nope? Neither does she.

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Disgusting. I thought these women had more class than that…I don’t know why I did, but, obviously I have been proven wrong.

And finally we come to the highlight of this premier, of possibly this season and probably going to make my top ten list of 2017.  I have already talked about her, but it bears repeating.  Alexis aka the Dolphin aka the Shark aka the Shark who thinks she’s a Dolphin.  Girlfriend just high fived people all night, got drunk on martinis and did dolphin calls so Nick would come talk to her.  When everyone else drank chardonnay and pino (gag, but I get they don’t want red teeth) Alexis went with the hard stuff.  Some thought they saw a martini, others saw a margarita, I saw a hero.  Although everyone loved her, several expressed concern for her mental health. And Nick told her as she was swimming in the pool with her costume and cocktail that if she took the shark/dolphin off she would definitely be eliminated.  I’m thrilled to say she has lived to see another week and the Great Debate lives on.

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Rachel (Olivia Pope) won the first impression rose while Corinne (Nanny Diaries) stole the first kiss.  Liz (maid of no honor) stayed against Nick’s better judgement and Vanessa doesn’t like flowers so not sure if she knows what she’s in for.  More than half of the ladies wore red which caused a huge riff, there were more brunettes than blondes and one camel.  The promo for the season to come shows a lot of tears, most from Nick and Corinne is proving she is here for all the wrong reasons…unlike the rest of these ladies.

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Like every premier episode, I am super excited for the rest of the season, but that sadly never lasts.  The only thing I know for sure is the minute Sharknado ends is the minute that I die a little inside.  I have great hopes for you Alexis, stay strong and, if nothing else, I know we will see you in Paradise.

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Have a blessed four day week,

Commissioner Lucifer

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