Recap Vanderpump

Vanderpump Rules Episode 5: Low Blows and CIA Hoes

Back at it again with my favorite degenerates.  It’s been too long.


We jump in with Katie and Schwartz traveling to their wedding venue to check it out.  Because it makes sense that you could afford a $5000 down payment, but you couldn’t bother to go to see the venue before now.  I guess they’ve never shown to be real geniuses, but I’m still shocked.  Katie expects the whole trip to “blue sky and smooth sailing” and I cant imagine how she cant pick up on Schwartz’s terrible comments regarding the wedding.

Katie lets the venue owners know that she has been waiting for this day for six years and Tom let’s them know he’d like to wait six more.


Katie also let’s us know that the theme for the wedding is “woodsy elegance”.


And then when asked how they met, Schwartz responds with “I think we just got drunk and had sex?”  The wedding planners then decides it’s time to play therapist with these two because someone needs to intervene.

We leave that match made in heaven to go watch Ariana and Sandoval working out.  And while I have bitched all season about Sandoval’s hair, seeing him working out in a beanie makes me just as angry.  James shows up to join on the fun and compliments Ariana’s “professional” looking work out gear aka your ass looks nice.


James lets Ariana and Tom know that he has been fired from Pump and Sur and they are shocked, somehow.  James could stay home in his tenth floor apartment in Beverly Hills and cry (wow James, tenth floor) but he’s not going to let himself go there.  Tom’s advice is that sometimes a good jerk off in the mirror is good after your fired.


I’m not even going to address Tom Schwartz’s photoshoot that they are begging him to stuff his underwear since his little friend seems to be a no-show.  I just tried to block the whole thing out.

At Sur, we are watching the god awful parade of ugly surver dresses once again and then Lala rocking her own style at the hostess stand.  I would 100% be a hostess if only to avoid those dresses.

Lala asks Lisa if they can talk for a minute, because who actually needs a host?  No one else does their job here, the people cant seat themselves.  Lala lets Lisa know that she talked to the Blob and is upset with the stories going on about her dating a married man.  Lisa isn’t buying her story along with the rest of the world, but you do you honey.  Like Lisa says, it only matters if it’s my husband.  My problem is everyones’ need to discuss their personal shit with Lisa. It baffles me, when it really shouldn’t.

We flash to Tom and Ariana going on a date on a weird bicycle and it is one of the reason I keep watching this show.  If it’s production, if it’s them, I don’t care.  Tom Sandoval valeting his bike in Beverly Hills gives me life.


Now we are on a hike with Lala and two no-names (seriously, this how has so many different scenes per episode I can barley keep up) and you know that one of these girls has some gossip to share or the cameras would not be present.  We find out that Ellie, a surver who has some odd accent that I cant place, has been sleeping with James aka James with a girlfriend and I think wants a boyfriend.  And while that’s bad enough, this girl took pictures in bed with him so she could prove this when he denies it.  I mean, you’re the one who looks bad girl…James?? Really?


We randomly go out with the gang who finds out that James has been fired and they start celebrating.  Ariana and Sandoval blame Jax for riling him up with the Gigi shit (remember, Gigi is the other surver saying she slept with James) and I have to wonder why they like him so much.  I’m not going to side with Kristen here, but I’m sort of leaning that way.  They say they feel really bad because now he has nothing and no job….I thought he was the next Calvin Harris?


No surprise, the Ellie story travels like wildfire and interestingly enough, Scheana was already going to lunch with her.  I’m surprised that Scheana does pick up on the fact she probably only invited her to lunch so she could spread this story. That seems like something that would go right over her head, so I’m proud.  She shows her CIA style evidence and lets us know she wants to come clean with everyone.  Girl, you may be many things, but clean is not one of them.  And you are 34-years-old and pulling this shit?


Scheana then takes the story to Stassi in Kristen who had no idea Ellie and James were hooking up–of course you didn’t, you don’t even work there, what are you even doing here?


We then, of course, have to talk about Lala and her married boyfriend.  CIA mode again here, the ladies let us know they have four sources, all different and they don’t even know who each others sources are….so they how do we know they are different?  Riddle me that.


But we do find out that Stassi source has seen sexting and sex videos on someone’s phone that Lala is sending to Mr. Married.  Where this would usually be totally entertaining, nothing beats Stassi’s PSA to the women of America to “stop making sex tapes, they always get out”.


Katie and Schwartz go to a Porsche dealership since Lisa doesn’t have time to shop for her summer car herself.  Casual.  So these two morons get to go test drive cars which leads to Tom wondering if they should get a Porsche instead of having a wedding and me wondering if Katie will drive the car off the road to punish him.  I have to say that I am going to side with the Blob on this.  If you keep saying things about not getting married to the girl you are marrying three months out, it’s not her going to the dark side it’s her actually going to murder you.  I’d be pissed too.

Doesn’t mean you bring up your man’s dick not working too as a parting comment. Poor Tommy.


We then travel to James’ weird apartment where he is dj-ing while on a Segway type thing, and I hate hime.  Lala comes in all CIA mode and shows the incriminating evidence of James and Ellie in his bed.  Where as he was denying it before, he now says that this was 2015 and she edited the photo.  Possible, but I’m going to call BS.  James instead just brings up Lala’s married boyfriend to deflect and I really just need someone reliable to confirm or deny this for me.  I cant take it anymore.


Tune in next week when I try and post this within 5 days of it airing and we discuss Lala for another 45 minutes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s