Recap Vanderpump

Vanderpump Rules EP 4:Welcome to the Dark Side

We’re backkkkkkk.  And I’m thrilled.  Bravo is the only station you can count on to continue to provide new episodes, even through the holiday season.  Well done, Andy.

I am so excited to jump in to this week’s episode, until I see Tom Sandoval.  WHAT. IS WRONG. WITH. HIS. HAIR.  I mean, this has been the season of poor hair choices for Tom, but this one offends me more than the French braid for some reason.  My gut is telling me James is doing his hair, it seems like a career move he would take.

We are at the closest thing LA has to fast food with Sandoval, Ariana, Ariana’s brother who I am enjoying and Lala.  Lala arrives in the infamous Range Rover that would mean a lot to my friends in the state of Kansas, but to these fools I would think it’d take a lot more to impress them in Beverly Hills.  Guess not.  She claims she’s leasing it people, haas anyone heard what’s going on with Tyga? You don’t need much of a down payment obviously, just a TV show.

Side Note: Lala ordered buffalo cheese curds and Tom ordered pepperoni fries. Is this real life?


When Tom makes a comment about her new car, Lala informs us that she doesn’t owe these people any explanation.  I know it’s hard to keep up, Lala, but you don’t owe people you consider a friend an explanation, but you felt you owed the Blob one last week?

She also tells us that she is “sucking dick for a lot more than a Range Rover, honey.”  During this, I swear she started impersonating Miss Hanigan from Annie, I doubt Im the only one who heard the voice change.


Next we head over to James’ penthouse that some strange pot head is letting him inhabit to await his girlfriend that it took him four episodes to mention.  I’m not sure if this is due to editing or just the fact that it’s long distance, I’d love it if production had no idea why he was decoration with this silly balloons.

Lala has let us know a few minutes before that Raquel…no really, that’s her name…is a pageant girl. When she does finally arrive to see her fake boyfriend, I have to say I’m surprised.  Not that she’s not pretty, she’s actually very pretty, but I guess my judgment comes from she doesn’t look like a pageant girl.  A pageant girl who is dating a guy on TV. I see this doing amazing things for her career.


Miss Most Likely to Lose Whatever Respect She Has only says a few words, but let’s us know that nothing gets by her after making the observation “there are a lot of people who apparently don’t like you” in reference to James. Since no one has yet to meet this genius, I’m going to assume she’s watched the show before.

Next we head to lunch where Kristin, Stassi and the Blob talk about what a traitor Scheana is for being polite to Lala.  Katie does not understand why Scheana is upset for her “trying to have a critical conversation with her”.  And I don’t understand how the Blob has any friends after all this and having that hideous leopard tattoo.


We then flash to Scheana at work where Lala approaches her and Brittany to ask how they’re weekends were.  Lala, how rude of you.  Scheana informs her that she rather not engage as Katie’s friend and I wonder is she’ll get sat with any tables today, Lala is kind of in charge of seating people. To be continued.

Scheana then texts Kristen (conviently still at lunch bitching about her with the other two) and tells her what she’s done.  The all are relieved that Scheana finally understands, probably because they were not ready to replace her with Brittany yet.


Back at Sur again, we meet Diana, the super sassy Russian manger, and I have a feeling she will be a great addition to this already complex cast of idiots.  It seems James came in drunk to work and was yelling at people in front of customers.  I would assume she tells Lisa this, not because it will disrupt the restaurant but because it seems filming missed this little episode.


Quick flash over to Schwartz and Katie.  Tom has been seeing a therapist because he is scared of Katie’s “dark side”.  Okay.  The therapist tells Schwartz that he has to address Katie about his fears, whereas he would really rather her not know he even met with the therapist.  Again, probably should have thought of that before you let the camera man come in too.

Tom goes home to talk to Katie, who would like us to believe she is the rational one, but any hope of that goes out the window when she let’s us know it’s her relaxation time where she guzzles wine and adult colors. Even the dogs aren’t disturbing her…I suddenly feel like I know what this “dark side” phrase is referring to.


Like I said, Katie is drunk so emotional Schwartz coming right out and discussing her tendencies to go crazy and go to the dark side are not going well for either of them. The therapist told Tom not to bring a knife to a gun fight where as I would have advised not to fight stupidity with sobriety.  And not to bother a woman while she is coloring.

First and only time I’ll say this but I am totally relating to the Blob right now as she takes the biggest drunk bite ever of the leftovers.


We head over to to Jax and Brittany aka Jax and his house guest who doesn’t pay rent or anything else.  And this is his choice, he wants to support his girlfriend.  Admirable. Until he voices that he expects a sandwich made every once in a while.


And now I find myself relating to Brittany as the buttons on her dress pop open every time she takes a breath.  Literally, I have the same problem girl.

Next, we go see Kristen who the girls are all checking in on since she got veneers.  I never noticed her teeth were bad, but now I feel like they look insane, but honestly that could just be in my head now that I knw. Kristen passes on some pointers that her doctor told her and says that she cant eat and he has dubbed it the “champagne diet”.  And then hell freezes over and I find myself relating to Stassi too when she asks if she can marry Kristen’s doctor.


Scheana arrives a little after the other girls and I have to wonder if she’s tardy or they told her the wrong time.  Once she gets there Kristen, Stassi and Katie jump down her throat and tell her that she was wrong to even speak to Lala, but thank her shutting her down finally.  Stop being professional, Scheana, and add fuel to the fire.  They say this is all out of love.  Right, and I’m a natural blonde.

Since Jax hasn’t been involved in the drama lately, he needs to get in on the excitement and decides to tell Lisa that Scheana and Lala are having problems.  When Lisa asks Scheana about it, Scheana tells her how Lala had the audacity to ask how her weekend was…Lisa’s reaction is identical to mine.


Later that evening we move to the hostess stand where a rando girl named Gigi is telling people that she slept with James recently, not knowing he had a girlfriend.  First, who are you?  It’s suspicious enough you are coming forward with this information, seems like you just want on the show. Second, you all know everything about everyone there from blood type to sexual history, how did no one know about this gf? And third, why for the love of god do you all feel that the best place to “solve” your issues is at your place of work?  She “doesn’t want any drama” so why did you open your mouth?


James Kennedy is, of course, approached about the rumor right away and helps clarify for us at home why the rumor is so misguided saying “I drive an Aston Martin, you think I’m going to take a Honda Civic for a quick joy ride?”


When James goes over to confirm who is talking about him (because he claims not to even know who Gigi is) the yelling starts and I bet this girl regrets trying to get air time.  James is not too nice.  Luckily, Russian Mafia Manager arrives to silence the scream that is TAKING PLACE AT THE HOSTESS STAND, and shuts down this nonsense…for now.

Jax, of course, is thrilled by this development and adds fuel to the fire.  I’m not surprised, but I am surprised to hear that Jax believes there were no problems at this restaurant before James Kennedy showed up.  It seems Jax has never watched the show and/or mentally blocked his contributions to the drama.


He and James begin to battle at the DJ booth/bar (really should have thought about having those be further apart) and the screaming continues.  James lets Jax know that he is just a bartender, while James is a superstar.  All Jax can do is laugh, along with the table of 15 women slurping their cosmos down and enjoying the show.


Lisa is back, just like I promised, to give James a set down.  James, who insists on not being drunk, is not feeling Lisa’s judgement towards him and when confronted about all the drama that follows him, he says that it is “petty drama that this bitch wants. They are thirsty, thirsty girls that need a drink of water and I am the water.”

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Lisa then has the audacity to inform James that he is not Calvin Harris.  Even though this is the 100th time he’s heard that this season, he still is outraged, maybe it’s the alcohol.  He also want’s to hear where Lisa heard that….now I’m concerned, is he trying to impersonate Calvin Harris?

We go in to the Alley Where Dreams Go to Die behind Sur and find Schwartz talking to Adriana.  He has decided to ask her to be a groomsmen which I think is really nice since someone is trying to include her.  Unfortunately, Schwartz isn’t going to tell Katie right away, but I cant imagine that Miss Dark Side wont be thrilled to redesign the wedding party for a girl she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid.

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And we are back inside where Sandoval is perpetuating the problem and letting James Kennedy have a shot.  Lisa is lurking in the darkness watching (I assume the Russian is nearby too) and pops out to no ones surprise it seems.  Not to yell at Tom, obvi, but to yell at James for drinking on the job.  I realize that we are supposed to believe that they are working right now, but the restaurant is empty and Tom is cleaning, they are all in darkness, I think an after work shot is fine, but I thought wrong.

It’s very clear that as James chases Lisa and Ken our of the restaurant and the camera crew have to sneak around to capture them screaming at each other, that James Kennedy is a wee bit tipsy.  Then he starts crying when Ken threatens to “knock his spark out” and it becomes clear that James is a girl.  The only other people who weep and say “he’s mad at me” are girls trying to calm themselves down in a bathroom stall.

The next morning James meets Lisa at her petting zoo of a home (#goals) and sits down to have another stern conversation.  And to fire James!  Never thought the day would come when James Kennedy would get fired, but he does, finally.  Lisa thinks it’s best that James never have another drink in his life which causes him to cry and let her know it’s hard to stop…..while I thought James was just like the rest of us 20 somethings working in a restaurant, dreaming our pipe dreams of being a rock star, now I do think he has a problem. Unfortunately for James, Lisa is actually done and James must leave leave. I almost feel bad for him.




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