LITERALLY, I didn’t know how much longer ABC was going to keep me waiting.  We all know that wimpy ass Nick will begin his third quest for the holy grail someone to love him in one month and we still do not know who our luck ladies will be.  Until now.

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The day has finally come where Chris Harrison reveals the 25 women vying to be America’s next Bachelorette–at the very least they are vying for a spot on Bachelor in Paradise…sorry Nicholas.

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Since Chris has yet to reveal the full bios of these women revealing how many tattoos they have and how many of them pick Titanic or Mean Girls as their favorite movie (always fitting choices) and who is a self proclaimed virgin, I am going to give me top awards out now for first Impression Rose in a few different categories.

Best (Weirdest) Name

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Astrid:  Yes, between Raven, Ida Marie and Astrid, it was a close call, but really there was no way I couldn’t give it to this girl.  Astroid? Asshole?  I can’t wait to find out what her parents were thinking when they named her, I am sure she will have sob story to go with it.

Best Job/ Job Description

There is no way that I can give only one “Best Job” rose away, so I will be giving five. (Don’t judge me until you read my reasoning)

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Alexis:  Alexis is an aspiring dolphin trainer, or a dolphin trainer in training according to other news sources.  We had to have someone who was “aspiring” to her job, I’m liking that she was first out the gate. You can bet that her favorite color is blue (see shirt) and that she will totally be using her dolphin noises in her first meeting with Nick.  And  I know this is going to get some hate from PETA, but I’d really like for them to find her a way to have her ride in on a dolphin.  Your move, ABC.

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Elizabeth (Liz):  Liz here is a doula.  For those of you who don’t know what a doula is, a doula is someone who assists you when a baby is born.  Your baby specifcally, not those of us who dont know how to hold babies.  She’s really a fake nurse, probably uses herbs and encourages you to choose to give birth in bathtub and away from modern medicine.  And, bonus, she’s a duala in Las Vegas.  I really cant be the only one who finds this funny.

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Michelle:  Michelle would be the girl I’d actually get along with because girlfriend is a food truck owner.  So jealous.  Now, fingers crossed that because she lives in LA it’s not going to be a healthy food truck, if there is such a thing, because that just wont be the same.  $20 she shows up to meet Nick in her food truck, you heard it hear first and I will be really disappointed if ABC does deliver.

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Taylor:  Taylor is a Mental Health Counselor.  Few thoughts here. One, ABC, are you trying to save money by having a live in therapist for these girls?  Interested to see how long production keeps her around if that’s the case.  Two, this bitch is 23-years-old, I do not need her telling me how emotionally unstable I am.  You are a year out of college, talk to me when you turn 25 and your metabolism decides to skip town.  You, my dear, are not going to be well liked I feel.  Putting money on the fact that you are creepily open with your feelings, more than the rest of these fools.

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Josephine:  Probably the ultimate winner here as a “unemployed nurse”.  Sunshine, we feel for you.  But what is ABC’s problem that every other season we have a hippie and stay-at-home-daughter and this year this girl is the only one admitting to being unemployed.  Of course she is, she left to be on this show.  I can promise you that the “elementary school teacher” wont have a job after this is done too.  You go girl.

Best Resting Bitch Face

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Hailey: I mean, are you bored? Are you here against your own free will?  My guess is that you are a total bitch and are judging this situation as much as I am.  But between you trying to bring back “The Rachel” and deciding to wear a black wifebeater, you are one of the most basic fools in this line up.  I look forward to when we finally meet.

Best Doppelganger 

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Raven:  AKA CECILY STRONG.  Come on, I am not the only one who sees this, right??  She has to be her sister, although I would think Cecily would talk her out of this.  Last year we had Cecily give us her best Lace a few times and I can only hope this goes just as well aka this girl is insane, but I’m not getting my hopes up. I cant let this show let me down anymore than it already has.

Best Understanding of Reality TV

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Jasmine:  I see you girl.  As a connoisseur of reality tv, I recognized Jasmine right off the bat.  She was a member of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and on Making the Team and while that isn’t the same level of drama that the Bachelor is, this girl can dance and had to compete against hundreds of women to get her spot.  I’m watching you girl.

That’s all I have right now. It’s easy to see from this list that Nick has deemed himself a lover of brunettes (rude) and girls with jippy eyebrows.  I’m saying that out of love, ladies.  Love for your souls and our youth who are just now starting to watch this and could pick up bad habits.

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Also, they must have been following JoJo Fletcher on snapchat because these girls are trying to get the perfect curl down.  None of us will ever compare ladies, best learn that now.

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I cant say I’m totally thrilled about this season (not that I was before) but this really didn’t get me excited.  What I do pray for is that this seasons biatch makes my skin crawl, that someone says “I love you” way too early (moneys on Nick) and that I end up liking one of these girls and she becomes the next Bachelorette.  A bad Bachelor is one thing, a bad Bachelorette in the same year is a travesty.  Say a prayer, viewers. And drink up.

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