Last night probably 99% of anyone who bothered to read this post watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  It’s the worst and best night of the year for many of us.  I have been watching with friends (and alone several times throughout the year) for many years and while they can be very similar year to year (looking at you Adriana Lima), they do have some standout moments.  Moments that stand out for good and bad reason.  Really the only good things to stand out are the bodies and the hair and the faces, and then there are a lot of strange moments.  I’d like to address those here.

1) These Women Consider This to Be the “Greatest Fashion Show in the World”

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I’m not denying that I am personally obsessed with Vicki’s show, and I’m not aware of any others that run on TV, but let’s be realistic here.  I think the “greatest” title is a little strong and someone needs to bring these women back down to planet earth.

2) Kendall, Gigi and Bella Are the Three Best Friends That Anyone Could Have

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And that’s not in a good way.  Seriously, I did not see them talk to anyone else in the show and all the photos from that night are either of the three of them or everyone else.  I cant tell if it’s them being exclusive or excluded.

3) The Weeknd Can Speak and He is Not Foreign

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No, it’s true.  Maybe my viewing party was the only one to think this, but when Mr. Abel Tesfaye aka the Weeknd spoke, I was shocked to not hear an accent.  Also, when did he get so hot?  I don’t know if it’s the loss of the porcupine on his head or watching him serenade Bella, but I was having a lot of feels last night, and it wasn’t just gas from all the cheese I ate.

Side Note: Is The Weeknd contracted to perform every year now?  He’s becoming as big of a feature as Madame Lima, but I don’t hate it.

4) I Know What Bella Did During The Weeknd

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There is no way in hell these two did not get it on after that performance.  They broke up because of scheduling conflicts and still love each other….there is no way him singing and her parading around in lingerie did not get them all hot an bothered.  I was for sure. And then he rejected all the other gorgeous models that reached out to hold his hand and I melted a little more.

5) We Have Five Years Left Of Adriana Lima…

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And I’m not sure how I feel. She has said she wants to do this until she’s 40-years-old and I don’t know if that’s legal.  No doubt that 35-year-old her will have a better body than me now when she is 100 or when she’s pregnant again, but I’m kind of over it. I like having a top dog, but maybe she’s been top dog long enough? And really, I’m only thinking of her best interest here, she doesn’t want to become the next Heidi Klum, she never goes away.

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6) Some People Can Actually Say “I Woke Up Like This”

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Miss Josephine Skriver informed us that some things come easier to her than others.  She said “Imagine going to bed, being, like, a regular model. And one day you wake up and you’re an Angel” referring to her immediate success. That’s all it takes, a good imagination?? Barney ruined me for my entire adult life and I have been imagining myself in every possible situation, including strutting my nonexistent stuff down that runway and I can promise you all of it has yet to come true.  Either your a liar, delusional or more powerful than Harry Potter…I’m going with a liar.

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7) Gaga Is Odda

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Totally not new news, but while she belted her little heart out and made me want to cry during A Million Reasons, she was doing the oddest poses and reaching for the models like they were going to save her from falling off the stage.  I love Mamma Monster, but I seriously could not keep a straight face during a song that usually has me crying.

8) The Pink Section is in a Downward Spiral

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Seriously, not sure what has happened to the Pink collection but sheer basketball shorts are not a fashion statement.  Nor are they lingerie.  They aren’t anything, no matter what Kim Kardashian West says.  While last year was a sexy version of the village people, this year was all about the actual color pink and fuzzy boleros that should stay where they belong; The Limited and middle school.  I know this is the B Squad of the show but give the girls a chance!

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Please, hire me.

9) #GOALS

How long will it take me to get halfway to one of these beautiful bodies?  No joke, I do this every year, it usually lasts a week since they plan this perfectly with holiday season.  I actually am suspicious if they do this so none of us have a chance to catch up to them, not that that’s even possible. But still, someone help build me a diet/workout plan and then buy my groceries and drag me to the gym and I will love you forever.  But I am ready to change.

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10) Taylor Hill is Everyone’s New Spirit Animal

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Sorry ladies, but there is a new Angel in town and her name is not foreign.  I know she has been around for a few years, but Taylor Hill spoke to us all in so many ways without speaking at all (thank god because she could be a moron and that would crush me).  Her hair, her skin, her eyes, her teeth, her body wasn’t even what I was most jealous of and that’s saying something.  Thank you Miss Hill, I now have an entire Instagram to stalk.