Vanderpump Rules EP3: Calvin Wannabe and Charcuterie

Thank god, I could only watch the last episode so many times I was so desperate for some pump.


We jump right in to what has to be Katie’s bridesmaid brunch because I see those god awful decoupage boxes.  The note reads “now that Tom has popped the question…” and the girls open the box to reveal a balloon that they have to pop that asks them to be a bridesmaid.


I am surprised to see Brittany there, didn’t know she was worthy of a bridesmaid role after knowing these girls a year, but they probably just want a front row seat to her relationship with Jax imploding.  Which they do ask her about and she is staying with him because she isn’t going to break up with him over something he did wrong….that’s usually how it works, but good for you.

Katie calls Stassi out for not even being on speaking terms a year a go which is slightly awkward so Stassi decides to deflect to the fact that Ariana isn’t here.



I didn’t even notice she wasn’t there, I feel awful.  I also wasn’t aware that Katie and Ariana aren’t really that great of friends.  I mean, she asked her knew friend Brittany, her old enemies Kristen and Stassi and you couldn’t invite the only other person who is on the show?  Besides Lala, who we have determined does not count for you.  I find it odd, but whatever, you’re funeral…I mean wedding.

Back at Sur Lala and James are meeting up at the host station again, revisiting the head lock that happened last episode.  Lala had assumed that James was already fired it seems, but this guy’s got nine lives.  And he’s from London “where they don’t have baseball so he doesn’t know what a strike is.”


Back behind the bar Jax and Sandoval are talking about the headlock also and I am starting to think that the new story of the season is this and maybe we have moved on from Muffin Mania.  Hopefully everyone can forget that and move on.

What I will never forget though is Tom Sandoval’s French braid on the top of his head.  I like Ariana, but I am judging her right now for being with this fool.


Lisa arrives to hopefully fire James, but not going to bet on that.  She finds him in the DJ booth along with “DJ Speakeasy”…I thought James was the headliner of Sur and Pump?  Is he teaching this girl how to work the booth or has he been lying to us?  To be determined.

Lisa sits James down and after “conducting an investigation” this week, she’d like to hear James’ side of the story.  In a last ditch effort to save himself, James sticks to his jealousy defense.  I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am.  I also shouldn’t be surprised when Lisa questions since theory since it’s not like he is Calvin Harris.  I wonder if Taylor is upset that Calvin is getting such a plug on this show?


Unfortunately for Sur, fortunately for us, James was not at fault and will night be fired. Tonight. He is dismissed to, I assume, go have a DJ-off with DJ Speakeasy, and then Scheana comes out and plops down.  I hope Lisa isn’t surprised since she has set ZERO boundaries here, but even I am a little surprised at Scheana blatantly asking Lisa if the conversation went well and if he is fired.

Lisa acknowledges that Scheana and James don’t get along and when Scheana thinks James should act like an adult, Lisa reminds her of another young Sur employee who made poor decisions and slept with Lisa’s castmate’s husband.


Then we go to Katie who clearly didn’t think through not asking Ariana to be in her wedding since she makes the drinks here and she has to talk to her all night.  After Ariana makes what she thinks is small talk about the wedding, Katie slips up and mentions Tom wants ten groomsmen.

And so begins the most awkward conversation of the night. Not of the show, we know better than that.  But regardless, Katie proceeds to tell Ariana how she knows she doesn’t like weddings and that they don’t talk that much any more and she didn’t want to put pressure on either of them or make it a big deal and did she mention that Ariana wouldn’t even like being a bridesmaid?

Ariana lets her go on for a few minutes, knowing that she wasn’t going to ask her until finally telling her she will help her with the wedding however she needs her.


Schwartz seems to have been tortured by Jax and Sandoval throughout the years, but he still wants to treat them to a nice meal and ask them to be his groomsmen.  I’m not sure where those other eight groomsmen are going to come from, but I do know that somesthing is wrong with those steaks.  When he starts talking about the unique spices used and then isn’t eating…I smell a prank.

And, not shocking, he had marinated the steaks in is ass.  I’m wondering if he and Katie had a movie night recently who gave him this idea.


We do a little wedding planning since that’s the only thing that makes Katie valuable this season and it is becoming very apparent that Kristen and Stassi are going to battle it out for the not so coveted spot of the blob’s Maid of Honor.  The back and forth of “so cute”, “genius” and asinine commentary is going to make me sick.  And so are the tea towels that Katie has decided to send with her save the dates.  Someone delete this girls Pinterest.

Back at Sur, Lala has decided that she wants to clear the air with Sheana and try and get past all the awful stuff she’s said about her.  In typical Sur fashion she decides to snag her while she is in the middle of checking on her tables.  Scheana remains a loyal friend and says Lala needs to apologize to Katie before she will forgive her.

Scheana also decides to warn Katie before hand and rushes through the restaurant to find her.  I’m not sure who is working here, but whatever, not what their here for.  Katie is not in the mood to deal with Lala, but lets us know that she has not gone public with some of the secrets she knows.  The secret of Lala sleeping with a married man.


Well, secrets out.  Katie doesn’t want to deal with someone who get’s cars and little trinkets from married men, she’d rather work for her money…aka spend all of her fiancé’s money until he has not choice, but to suggest a prenup.

Lala corners Katie in, you guessed it, the alley.  She actually seems genuine in her apology to me, but she was in a Nic Cage movie this summer so maybe this is just method acting.  She does loose focus a bit checking to make sure her barely there shirt is showing off her assets well, but Katie isn’t so easily distracted.  She doesn’t buy it and throws the married man story in her face.  Lala, who admits it’s not actually her real name, also admits that while it isn’t a married man it’s actually her parents who pay for everything.  She has never had a bill in her life.


The blob doesn’t care and walks off, hopefully to go check on her tables, but I doubt it.  Also, I think I figured out why Lala is still a host–she doesn’t want to wear those god awful dresses and had to choose taste over pay…not that she has to worry about money.


Katie and Schwartz throw themselves a house warming party and it’s just one more bill in Tom’s eyes, little does he know the price of the hideous invites…until she tells him.  Tom thinks he could through a pretty cool wedding with a $3000 budget so it seems to pain him even more that Katie spent that just on invites.  He should be happy though because Katie has assembled a fabulous charcuterie board that makes them officially adults.


Everyone starts arriving at the party and my first thought is who is working tonight, but I can’t worry about that since no one else is.  What we are worried about is Lala trying to make peace with Scheana and Katie. What nerve she has.  Ariana stands up for her which is the wrong move and Scheana is there to see it. Katie is relaying the convo she had with Lala on her bed with Stassi and Kristen and I think it’s great that no one makes a joke about Kristen being in bed with a girl for the second time this season.


Katie is telling anyone who will listen about Lala’s married man.  So much for keeping your mouth shut.  Kristen and Stassi who will not allow the other one to be alone with Katie are both nodding along and feeding the monster.  Someone, probably Lala, told Katie she was boring and needed to be mean to stay on the show and I really hope she realizes it before Tom elopes with Tom.

Scheana joins the ladies and Kristen and Stassi leave while the blob tells Scheana how she saw her standing at the bar talking to Lala last night and she needs to stop that.  Scheana is not friends with Lala and even refused to speak to her until she talked to Katie, but NEWSFLASH you work in a bar and sometimes you have to play night especially if the other girl is the host and can seat you with bad tables.


Katie who has now officially gone insane thinks Scheana is befriending Lala.  If there is one thing I know, it’s that Stassi and Kristen now know for sure Scheana won’t be sneaking in to steal made of honor.

We also now know there is a new cast member and I can’t say I am too excited.








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