Finally, after reunion after reunion of sheer boredom, Vanderpump is back.  If there is one thing I can count on it’s Lisa’s team of delinquent survers.

So it’s Lisa’s event for all the sad puppies around the world and protege Katie is really excited to learn from Lisa.  Lisa has already planned the entire event so I am not sure what she will learn, but even if she’s just picking up dog poop, she is still making $30 and hour.

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They all arrive at some weird building behind Sur and I’m hoping it’s so Lisa can murder then.  No, not true, I don’t know what I’d do without this show.  My first question is why are they all wearing those hideous dresses all the time?  And I get Lisa doesn’t like the surving aprons, but the weird side pouches are just odd.  Lisa gives us the run down for the day and alcohol is not allowed. See Jax’s reaction below.

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Side note: Lisa has a new puppy, Harrison aka Jiggy with the good hair. He is precious.

Lisa makes her first pink taco joke in front of Brittany and for someone who says she is about to lose it, kudos to looking so calm.  I mean, I assume saying “I hear Kristen is very giving” is referring to their lesbian affair, but she is about to host a charity even so maybe she really is just saying how charitable Kristen is….maybe.

Brittany needs a few minutes away from Jax before going in to work, so obviously we are going to chill in the furniture graveyard that is the alley behind Sur.  Brittany can’t seem to see that the obvious choice if Jax is making this up is to break up with him, but it’s only episode two, she has to pace herself.  And Scheana is as dumb as ever since her concerned is if Jax is going to do something like tweet about this and Brittany’s family finds out….

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Brittany decides to stay with Scheana tonight to avoid Jax, wonder what they’ll do at this slumber party….

We also visited Stassi’s first place that she hasn’t had a man pay for and she is super excited to show it off to the blob, I mean Katie.  She has a maternity pillow that she is in a relationship with and a shrine of photos that seem to have a different man in each.  There are also many signs here that point why she isn’t in a relationship.

She even spent hours picking out the paint colors for her new home and seemed to choose a different version of white for each room.

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In what would be an awkward situation, but isn’t because everything else in this show trumps it, Stassi tells Katie she assumed she was coming over to ask her to be her Maid of Honor.  And she accepts.  Nothing like a MOH who you weren’t speaking to less than a year ago.  Katie is worried she’s going to have a hunger games style battle for the honor, while Schwartz is just worried about the wedding in general.  But he’s super happy.

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Now, lets talk about Lala.  Lala’s mamma is in town and seconds after sitting down at a restaurant that I do not think is owned by Lisa, Lala is crying.  She feels like these people are turning her in to an awful person.  Also to blame is alcohol, and both mother and daughter decide it brings out the worst in Lala and needs to be cut from her life…cue basic server asking for their drink order.  Lala doesn’t even hesitate when she orders a Pino.

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If we were ever unsure if Lala was being edited poorly or just actually trash, she has now proven that edit has nothing to do with her slutty vibe.  Lala tells us her mom knows EVERYTHING about her, including that she lost her virginity using a red condom to Lil Wayne’s Lollipop….you told that on yourself.

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Lala and her mom are still talking about her aversion to alcohol and their families history with alcohol when her drink arrives.  Lala pauses to say “yum” which I don’t know if I have ever heard used when describing a wine, but I don’t hate it.   She’s given herself a two drink limit as she guzzles her wine at lunch and I am curious if the two drink limit applies to two drinks a day or two drinks a meal?

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Lisa is over at Sur chatting with Scheana, still implying that she only knows a little of what went down with Brittany and Kristen….I mean, the choice of words here is amazing.  And then Lisa makes a side comment “I know what went down…Kristen”.  Lisa, I should have known you were making a clever joke that Scheana would totally miss.

We go over to Kristen’s house and get to meet her boyfriend who supposedly isn’t a dead beat. They got out the “adult napkins” aka cloth ones for this scene so you know shit is about to get serious.  Kristen tells Carter that Jax has told everyone that she and Brittany hooked up and he does seem surprised.  Poor guy has no idea what he’s gotten himself into.  Kristen goes on to do her side interviews and give us her perspective on the night…and if you thought you were confused before, just get ready.

Kristen and Brittany did make out…ya, they made out.  I mean, Kristen was super drunk, but she knows she didn’t go down on Brittany.  But, she was really drunk so it’s all really foggy, but definitely not that.  She remembers being on the bed but….ya that’s it.  That is the extent of which Kristen remembers the evening and we still consider her a source?

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Kristen also decides at her adult meal that she’d like to have the gang over after the dog parade tomorrow for a Sunday funday.  Carter’s face is enough to make me question the story they are peddling, anyone who doesn’t like Sunday Funday cannot be trusted.

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Back at Sur, we have a slight problem.  While we knew the entire cast knew about the Kentucky muffin munching, I was not aware that it had trickled down to the no names.  First it’s Kristina telling Tierney aka wannabe actual survers that Kristen (who doesn’t work at Sur anymore btw) going down on Brittany and “apparently there was some crazy lesbian action going on”.  Hey Kristen, I am not sure you know what “going down on” means because the second half isn’t necessary.

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Then we go to the host stand were another basic server named Jesse said Carter was watching on the couch….weren’t they in the bedroom? Now we move to the kitchen where the cooks are speaking in Spanish about the ladies.  One, do all of these people know who Kristen is even though she doesn’t work there anymore?  I guess they watch the show.  But regardless of how staged this entire scene is, it is genius television and I love it.

In this insane back and forth Bravo has laid on us, don’t think I didn’t notice the most revealing statement of all time.  That Brittany, who was a closer last episode and is a surver genius according to these fools….SHE HAS ONLY BEEN WORKING HERE A WEEK.

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Brittany has discovered that everyone and their mother now knows about the rumor Jax started, though she shouldn’t be upset.  If Lala’s mom knows, she can’t judge considering her daughters history.  Jax though is not too sympathetic to Brittany feeling uncomfortable at her job of one week, proving that even if he didn’t make this story up he is still an asshat and she is better off without him.  And probably back in Kentucky.

Storming away, she goes to set the table for a private dinner that will be starting at 10pm. #beverlyhills. Lisa is in the room and all I can hope is that Brittany can try and hold on to some of her self respect and not talk about this with her boss.  But, not so surprisingly, we have another inappropriate conversation on our hands.

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So Brittany cries to Lisa about how Jax is ruining her life, all the while never denying the story.  Lisa has to ask her as she’s leaving and then she remembers to deny.  Something fishy here…

Brittany stays at Scheana and it seems like her husband was home so no funny business here.  Brittany wakes up and walks right in to Scheana’s room where she is laying in bed with her husband who I can’t begin to remember his name.  Also, Scheana’s room looks like a teenagers.  How old are these people? I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a diary laying around, but that’s also because she’s a narsacist.

Brittany goes home to Jax asleep in the button down I’m pretty sure he worked in last night, but who am I to judge?  Brittany I think was expecting to have him on his knees begging for her forgiveness, which is actually hilarious.  She must have never watched the show before she arrived on it. And Jax isn’t going to bother waking up, let alone apologize. And he is standing his ground on this.  So much so that he is having side convos with himself and having a fit. I don’t see this getting resolved any time soon.

Now, in the show that never ends, we head over to Katie and Schwartz’s apartment to talk wedding.  Katie is making gifts to give to her tributes/ bridesmaids and they look like a pinterest board gone wrong.  She is going to put ugly paper flowers on an ugly hat box and put a balloon inside with the note inside the balloon.

It also becomes very apparent that Schwartz had zero idea how much a wedding would cost and as we learned earlier, they dont seem to be on the same page.  When Katie mentions that a photographer will probably be “four to six” he assumes she means hundred…no boo, it’s thousand.

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The wedding venue is pretty basic, sorry not sorry.  I guess you can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the blob, I mean Katie. Not to mention, why are you having this on a Wednesday?  I mean I understand that you need to make sure all your friends can get off work, and Wednesdays are easier to request off than a Saturdays in this industry, but between Schwartz not wanting a cake and this, I’m guessing you all are just looking to have a big party and no vows will be exchanged.

Schwartz thinks it’d probably be best to just leave him in the dark on all the costs of this shindig which prompts Katie to tell us all what a cheapskate and scrooge he is and how he should want to splurge on their big day.   He just told you he doesn’t want to hear a number until the end, he didn’t say one thing about scaling back you shrew.

During Katie swiping Schwartz’s card for a 5K down payment on their venue (so scroogy of him), he decides it’s a good time for him to bring up a prenup.  His car salesman like approach is hysterical to watch, he wills say anything to get her to sign it.

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But Katie actually seems pretty okay with the idea and Tom will never love her more than he does right now.  Being reasonable turns him on, especially when Katie has a history of being emotional and erratic.  He said it not me.
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Side note: Katie’s wedding (it’s her wedding only it sounds like) happened in August.  The urge to see if it actually happened is so tempting.  We will see if I make it through the season.

Finally, we are at the puppy parade and Katie is very excited for her first day of work.  Who wouldn’t be when they are making $30 an hour and you get to bring you puppy to work?  How did she get this gig? She is going to take her job very seriously though and help pass out raffle tickets like all the other survers, but, again, she is getting paid $30 and hour on top of the money she gets for filming.

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Here’s how everyone is feeling today–James is ready to make this like Cochella, Brittany and Jax aren’t getting along, Kristen and Stassi have nothing better to do and Ariana and Sandoval are having a three-way kiss with their dog.  Oh and Lisa calls out Kristen for being such a “giving person”.

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I forgot to mention earlier that James apologized to Scheana for pointing out her obvious nose job.  Scheana does not care for his apology and only cares about him apologizing for calling Katie fat, which is a good friend move on her part.  That brings us to the Doggy Day where James thought it would be a good idea to apologize to Katie in front of a bunch of actually charitable people.

Katie really doesn’t care for his delivery and doesn’t feel like it’s genuine.  We, the viewers, know it isn’t because he told us that he’s sorry he said it to her face but obviously he said it for a reason.  “If she wasn’t fat, I wouldn’t have said it.”

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We also find out that James, the Truth Teller (he gave himself that nickname) got in a fight last night while DJing.  When confronted about this, he says he was having a smoke by his friends, drinking, when he “maybe talked over his friend” and he didn’t like it so he put him in a headlock.  He did nothing wrong…and pigs can fly.

He tells Lisa and Sandoval that he thinks the “friend” was just jealous of him.  People see him doing well and DJing and they want to take him down.

Then he gets on the mic to find the owner of the car keys that were found.  Classic Bravo comedic timing.

Then we go have Sunday Funday at Kristen’s apartment and the minute we walk in, Kristen asks to speak with “Jason” on the lanai.

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The only thing I take away from this is that it’s true.  It did happen.  Just look at Carter’s face, he is silently pleading with Jason/Jax to let it go.  And I pray that he doesn’t.

To be continue….