I have been super excited for the return of Vanderpump Rules this season, more so than usual.  Where the Housewives have finally begun to realize how their stupidity can effect their business and marriages (too late ladies) these fools still don’t see any repercussions in their actions and it’s fabulous.  The only thing more exciting than watching these fools now is going to be the “Where Are They Now?” special in ten years.

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Right off the bat I have to say that the preview for this season is more exciting than the entire season of New Jersey.  But like New Jersey we are still stuck in the past with those heinous cocktail dresses the survers are still wearing.  I wouldn’t say LVP is my style icon, but I would have thought that she could pick something better than an Ed Hardy wannabe t-shirt dress.

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We start the episode at Sur, duh, with our usual suspects and James setting the tone in the DJ booth where he will reside for 80% of the episode.  The place is bumping and Tom Sandoval seems completely confused as to how this restaurant has survived the industry turmoil for ten years. Could it possibly be that it is the setting for the most amazing/disturbing reality show of all time?

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Jax and Tom are making mojitos aka Tom is working and Jax is bitching.  Typical. Lala is a hostess still and everybody hates her. Shocking.  Scheana, who’s face has been drastically altered by some form of plastic surgery, gave her a chance but Lala was too much of a skank for her.  I’m curious what led her to that conclusion, last I heard the married Scheana and Lala were making out at a sleepover.  

It seems Brittany has finally gotten a surving job at Sur and everyone seems very impressed with her.  It’s nice to see that Sur has hired someone with experience for the first time, but then she reveals she cannot pronounce sauvignon blanc and all hope is lost.  I will admit that I had to google how to spell it, but I sure know how to pronounce it.  How the hell are you going to order it if you can’t pronounce it, dipshit.  I know the employees are trash at Sur, but the restaurant looks snazzy, who hired this idiot?  To make matters worse, Brittany the Wino might not be able to make it out tonight because she is the closer.  THE CLOSER.
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Lala shows up, but with a little more botox than last season and definitely higher aspirations–she had a small part in a Nic Cage movie this past year and is now setting her sights on “A Night In Lala Land”, a porno about Lala’s Lala. No word yet on if she came up with that one herself, but she already has ideas for the cover art which I am not going to get in to because this is a classy blog, duh. 

Lisa arrives and catches up with Lala and her summer.  When Lala tells her about that little movie roll, shocker, Lisa asks if it was in a porno.  Because we know this show and restaurant lacks all the usual boundaries we would see in a place of work, Lala goes with it and asks Lisa, her employer, if she watches porn.  Not sure if you’ll ever be promoted from hostess Lala.
Ps.  Lisa does watch porn.

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It seems all of these survers cares about is getting off early.  Who is calling the shots here? Their poor manager is fielding requests to leave and I start to wonder what they are all so antsy about and then hell freezes over and these idiots say they need to get to the OKAY! Magazine party….

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Back at the Mojito station we discover what piece of gossip is going to be the central theme of the season…..and it does not disappoint.  Jax reveals to Tom (and eventually everyone else) that he found Kristin in his bed with his girlfriend Brittany…and they were not sleeping.

 

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And people, we aren’t even 20 minutes in at this point.  Let’s dissect this for a minute here–pyscho Kristen was hanging out with Jax’s current lady.  Weird on it’s own.  Then Jax comes home after a night out to them in bed together having a taco party.  Getting weirder.  But the strangest part in all of this I think is that Jax genunily seems upset.  Doesn’t he seem like the kind of guy who would jump right in?

Luckily Sandoval is here to shed some light on the situation for us non LA residents.  Apparently, Kristen and Brittany’s little moment is like a handshake in LA and those Kentucky girls are always coming to town for a little lady action.

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Who is Tom hanging out with?  I’m going to need a few more sources on this before I believe this.  He also decided to let Lisa know about Kristen and Brittany’s little pow-wow the minute she sits down where he still seems to be making the same mojito and it’s just another shinning example of HR violations at it’s finest.

Lisa is flabbergasted, not surprising, and grimaces during her one-on-one saying  “Krsiten chowing down on Brittany’s Kentucky muffin?” Quote of the season.

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You would think that it would end there, right? Such a genuine moment, there really is no need to continue. But continue we do, making our way to the not at all coveted or remotely impressive Okay! Magazine party. Still can’t get over that this is where they are rushing too, but these are D list “celebs” we are talking about, they are grateful for anything.
We are joined by Kristen and Stassi who I would consider cockroaches because they never go away. Not that I want them to, I live for the drama and we are getting it from all sides here. Kristen is in a relationship and Stassi isn’t which proves to Stassi that the end of the world is near. She is still friends with Kristen though, and Kristen should be pretty damn grateful considering Stassi convinced her not to wear her fake engagement ring out tonight so people will stop thinking she’s insane.

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Lucky for this group of wannabes, they have a table reserved for their group, that’s how important they are at this party and how few of actual celebs showed up. We sit down and the party and it seems like Tom and Ariana actually had to close tonight and not Brittany since she is there and we are getting flashbacks to them changing in Surs bathroom. Or Brittany didn’t know that be closing that meant she needed to stay until the end, which seems pretty possible .

 

Then comes the arrival of Lala and James who I guess are attached at the hit and mutually hated.  I think I forgot to mention (that’s how much happens in one episode of this show) that Lala has been pretty not nice to Katie recently, calling her a blob. Nothing more than that, a blob.  Which is more insulting that she chose to invest so little into her nickname.

When Lala and James arrive we see that there may be high roads in this world but everyone who works for this company, besides Lisa is going to always choose the low road. And the most aggressive road at that. Lala and James walk up and start making themselves drinks and talking about everyones summer bods, or lack there of which offends everyone and then they are told to kindly fuck off.  James decides to take it one step further and compliment Scheana on her new nose (called it) and ask if Katie, who is holding a drink, is pregnant.

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Jax decided that he has had enough and needs to defend Katie, the one lady here he hasn’t banged I think, which I find very admirable.  Except he thinks the best solution is chasing James through the OKAY Mag party, which is so classless.  Also, not a good idea since Jax is on probation for stealing a pair of sunglasses recently….priceless.

James and Lala separate themselves from the other table…and sit at the booth right next to it.  We go back and forth repeating the drama that has just occurred and skinny Scheana and Stassi really feels the need to repeat the pregnant Katie comment 30 times. Seriously, bad enough the first time, worse when your friends can’t stop repeating it and you’re heavily drinking.

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Tom Sandaval goes over (5 steps away) to talk to James about what just happened and James proceeds to cry because his mom and dad have officially split up and his dad left today.  Sad story, yes, but this is LA…I feel like all of these people have some kind of messed up story that has propelled them to become these people.  James story is almost more tame than I expected.

It’s now the next day and Katie is starting her new job of Lisa’s assistant.  I am hoping she can maintain a certain amount of professionalism that she doesn’t’t have at the restaurant, but I won’t hold my breath.  Lisa only needs Katie a few days a weekend has offered to pay her $30 and hour, 6 hours a day.

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At this rate Katie will be making more me working 9 to 5, 5 days a week.  I realize Lisa is loaded, but she is throwing money away here.  And thank god I didn’t hold my breath earlier because Katie waited about 10 minutes into the job description to start gossiping with Lisa about the OKAY Mag party (how much did they pay for this publicity?).  I mean, this isn’t as bad as Jax and Tom telling Lisa about Brittany and Kristen at the top of the hour, but I have to wonder what would constitute as too far.

Speaking of Brittany, she’s back at chatting with Jax about the lies he needs to stop spreading as she paints their living room.  She is still maintaining her innocence and Jax is peddling his version of the evening.  They seem to be almost joking about it, but I can only imaging this is going to become a bigger deal as the season goes on….BECAUSE IT’S STILL ONLY EPISODE ONE.

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Also, Brittany’s painting techniques of taping the walls after she paints is really innovative.  Watch out for her decorating show out next year.

At this point the episode still isn’t over, but I am.  Nothing Lala or James discuss in the last few minutes make it worth me continuing what has to be the longest hour of my life.  Seriously, this episode had more going on than the entire season of New Jersey.  I can’t wait to see what will happen in the coming weeks.  If I had to guess, I’d say these fools are going to make me wish for the simpler days of Real Housewives.

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