Finally, the end is in sight. I feel proud and also disappointed in myself that I stayed with this through the entire season. I blame my dedication to Andy Cohen and his cause as well as Bravo’s clever way of making previews look like something is going to happen on next week’s episode. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice….
We arrive at another guady location Andy has picked in New Jersey to host this years reunion and I suddenly realize why this is such a boring season. Too few housewives. Seriously, five women, have we ever had such a low number sitting on those sofas? Usually it is crowded as hell at these things but Teresa got to wear a ballgown this year because of the open space.
And then they give me another crazy trailer for these reunion episodes and hooked again. Dammit.
Andy Cohen seems absolutely thrilled to be here–not. I mean, he’s not blatantly rolling his eyes and he still see’s the money rolling in, but he does not seem to have high expectations for this bunch. He only gave them two reunion episodes, that just shows you how little has happened this season and how quickly everyone wants it to be over.
Andy greets all the ladies, as is custom, and tells them all how fabulous they look, trying to distract them with flattery. It’s not going to work, but nice try. He also let’s us know that Delores has had butt implants since we left her. I honestly think that is a first for this show, at least the first to admit to it. Seems she took fat from her thighs and inserted it in to her butt and I need to know how much this cost. I have found Delores too normal for this show, but it seems she wants back next season and I am all for it. Woman is a pioneer for all of us.
Melissa seems to have grown out her hair for the reunion and Andy asks how much of it is hers. I mean, obviously, it’s not all her natural hair, we can all laugh about this. Even Melissa who let’s us know probably 75% of it is her actually hair. To which Jacqueline rolls her eyes. Jacqueline. Who somehow can still roll her eyes after all the plastic surgery she’s done.
Then Andy moved on to the entire reason this show even exists in the first place and why it was put on pause for an entire year, Teresa Giudice. If any of those ladies on the couch (cough cough Jacqueline) thought they were at all why this show is still on, they need to wake the f-up. Andy knows what sells and it’s convicted felons and emotional montages.
Right off the bat, we discuss Teresa’s homecoming and her purchase of a new Lexus. Super cut, but kind of red flag for someone who just got out of prison for money laundering. All of the ladies seemed to have been talking shit, even ol’ faithful Delores and Teresa does not seem to understand what the big deal is. Andy suggests a Ford would have been a less conspicuous car, to which Teresa asks if Andy would ever consider driving a Ford?
Then we talk about what I consider the weirdest obsession/friendship in the history of the world: Teresa and Jacqueline. I don’t care what Siggy says, Jacqueline is crazy. It’s not because she “loves so much”, she is obsessed with Teresa, most likely because without her she has no place on this show. Please recall that Teresa returned from prison and texted Jacq about mending fences, which goes over well. The message and the reuniting of old “friends” isn’t what’s important, it’s the voice Jacqueline feels is necessary to use every time she reads Teresa’s text, which then we have to replay on the reunion.
Then we discussed Glam-ma Jacqueline and her growing family. Yawn, but I’ll humor it. Jacqueline and sweet, misguided Chris are very excited that Ashlee and Pete are adding a “little kernel” of their own to the family. Since filming, he has been born and Jacq is ecstatic and very proud of her daughter and her maternal ways. I have to say I’m shocked that Ashlee turned out normal and settled down. While Andy and Jaqueline chat about grandma land, Teresa and Melissa whisper about Ashlee tweeting pictures of apes to Teresa…not as matured as we thought. I guess Ashlee was defending all the shit Teresa said about her mom’s face which it’s great to support your family, but your mom’s face is completely plastic.
Then we brought out misogynistic Joe Gorga. I really don’t think any good is going to come of showing him all the sexist things he said this season, but Andy gives it a shot anyway so we all can cringe together. Melissa now knows her worth it seems and says she didn’t appreciate the comments about her crumbs. Andy, always up for a feminist movement, asked Joe to admit how sexist he sounded. Joe replied “define sexist”.
And then Joe reveals at what age he lost his virginity, nine……I have lost all hope for the youth of New Jersey.
Then we circle back to the basis of this show, Teresa and her relationships with all the women and how valuable they are to her. Jacqueline knows Melissa was threatened by her resurrecting her relationship with Teresa, which probably true. But Jacq was totally threatened by Melissa and Teresa’s relationship too. Why, I have no idea, but they all want to make sure they are on Teresa’s good side so they stay relevant. Or bad side, this is the Real Housewives. It’s pretty clear that whatever happened, Teresa and Melissa do not trust Jacqueline as far as they can throw her and Delores and Siggy should watch their backs.
Then Teresa lets us in on the biggest secret of all time–Caroline and Jacqueline are the reason she went to jail.
Yes, Teresa believes that Jacqueline and possibly Caroline, but definitely Jacqueline were calling the FBion her every day, trying to set her up.
This is what we are dealing with people. A convicted felon, blaming her nosy neighbors on get her in trouble by calling the FBI. I don’t even think you can call the FBI, but if anyone can do it, I would guess it’s the Manzo’s.
Until next week when Teresa further expands about Jacqueline’s insanity and I find myself agreeing with her.